Reframing your approach

There are some days when you've just had it as a family caregiver. Particularly if the source of your stress has to do with your relative. The cause of their sharp words, outbursts, or resistance may not be something that can be changed (for instance, due to advancing dementia). The best strategy then is to make changes in your own approach or responses. For instance:

• Take a break. This might mean physically leaving the room and going for a walk. If that's not possible, suggest you talk later. Or count to ten with deep slow breaths so your reaction can be a bit more thought out.
• Distraction. There are times when the best way to interrupt a tense dynamic is to shift attention to something else. There's no point in arguing. Especially in the case of dementia, you can often suggest another activity in another room. Changing the environment can help disengage the source of frustration.
• Focus on purpose. For instance, for many people, providing care is how they give back to their relative for the care received in earlier years. Caregiving might be a tough job, but you do it with love to the best of your ability. This is what gives it meaning, even when it's hard.
• Don't take it personally. In the case of dementia, for instance, it's not your dad criticizing you as a daughter, even if his words sound like that. It's his disease that's doing the talking. Even if there's no dementia, your relative may simply be frustrated at all that they can no longer do, and unfortunately, they are taking it out on the safest person—you. Try not to take it personally.
• Be flexible when you can be. If they want to do something a certain way and if you have the option, go ahead and do it that way. Going with the flow can ease a lot of tension.
• Humor. Interjecting a joke can often lighten the mood. Be sure the joke doesn't put your relative in a bad light. Just add some whimsy if you see the chance.
• Plan ahead to avoid triggers. If you know there are issues or situations that spark strain between you, do what you can to avoid them.
• Ask your relative for help. Depending on their level of awareness, you may be able to interrupt the feeling of being criticized or of not doing enough by explaining that you could use some help. Maybe there are ways they can pitch in so you are working as a team.
• Respond with love. If a situation is tense, sometimes you can interrupt it by giving them a hug and validating that this is hard for all of you. That you are all on the same team.
• Repeat affirmations to yourself. Like a mantra, when things get hard, remind yourself about all that you are doing. That you are doing your best and that's all that can be asked of you.

Is caregiving stressing you out?

Contact the experts in eldercare:

LionHeart Eldercare & Consulting

703-677-8319