Resent Much? How to Let Go of a Grudge.

It was driving me crazy.  

I was on a hamster wheel in my own mind: obsessing over a person who was (in my opinion) making my life miserable.   Thinking about it was making me mad.  In fact, the more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  

I was nursing a grudge like nobody’s business.  And it was making me feel like hell.

A grudge is a feeling of ill will or resentment.  It’s unexpressed, and ultimately repressed emotional energy.  You may think that if you ignore your emotions, they’ll go away.

They will not go away.

They’ll hook you, and throw you into a vortex of negativity.  You’ll start to have imaginary conversations about the situation.  In your imagination, you’ll tell so-and-so just what you think about them.  You’ll vent to close friends, making your case against your transgressor.  (And oh what a case you’ll build!)

You’re busted, right?  I’m willing to bet you’ve done this and you’re nodding your head in agreement.  Finding yourself in grudge land is nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s a sucky place to be. I’ve been working as a life coach focused on women’s empowerment for more than a decade now, and I’ve never worked with a person who didn’t have a grudge to heal.  Never.

You’ll know you are in the grudge zone if the mere mention of a person’s name sparks irritation, or if the thought of running into them sends you into a panic.  If the thought of a person sets you spinning, you’re square in the grudge.

Why does it matter?  

A grudge will hi-jack you.  It will make you act like your worst self.  When you’re in grudge mode you’re a ticking time bomb. You’re uber-sensitive, and ready to be offended.  You’re angry and put upon.  You’re also reactive and resentful-as-hell.  Translation: when you’re in grudge mode you’re miserable - and miserable to be around.

I know that hurts.  Remember, I’ve hung out in grudge city plenty of times myself.  There’s no judgment here.  Just truth.  I want to help!

In this week’s video coaching session I will.  We’re going to walk through a 3-step process to get rid of your grudge. (Press PLAY already, and set yourself free.)

Step 1: Name your obsession

Grudges are about unfinished business.  

Unfinished business steals your life force.  

Unfinished business is anything left unsaid or undone.  It’s an experience that’s incomplete and still requires a piece of your energy or attention to stay alive.  In other words, it’s a circumstance that’s literally feeding off of you. (Super gross, right?)

A note, by mid-life, it is normal for you to have a lot of crap feeding off of you.  You were probably taught to be agreeable, not to rock the boat, and to keep “not nice” comments to yourself.  If you were taught to repress, it’s highly likely you have a grudge (or 10) hanging out in your emotional inventory, pissing you off and distracting you.  

Let’s clean this up already.

The first step is easy.  Describe your hamster wheel.  

Seriously.  What are you obsessing over?  Tell the story.  Write it down on a piece of paper.  If you’re in grudge mode your story should be pretty well rehearsed by now.  It will usually involve you as the innocent victim and the other person as Darth Vader offspring.

(Side note, if you have more than one grudge vying for your attention, as a pre-step make a list of every grudge.  Then pick one at a time to walk through the rest of this process.)

Way to get started.  Next…

Step 2: Hate all over it

You know how if you get a cut, you have to clean it out before you bandage it up and expect it to heal?  Well your emotions are like that too.  You may think you can put stuff like anger, resentment, sadness, or frustration away, but you never really do.  It’s always there.  Like an emotional infection.  (I know, super gross - again).

You need to get that stuff out.  It’s scary to feel strong negative emotions.  You could be surprised by their intensity, or fear that you must be a horrible person to be able to have such ugly feelings.  

You’re not a bad person because you have a bad feeling.

You must walk through whatever you’re feeling to get rid of your grudge.  In this step, return to your piece of paper, and write down how the situation makes you feel.  What do you really think about the other person?  What would you really like to say to them? How have they hurt you? Let it all out.

As you write, allow yourself to feel whatever arises.  Do no tamp down on your emotions.  This whole process rarely lasts more than a moment or two once you give in to it.  (It’s resisting the feeling that creates tremendous suffering).  Breathe.  Allow.  You can do it.  

Good job.

Now burn your paper.  (Not kidding.  I’ve witnessed the unfortunate aftermath of a client paper being found and read.  Apocalypse.)  Burn or shred.

Finally…

Step 3: Practice Disconnection

I want you to stop giving your energy to this person.  This situation no longer deserves your life force. It’s time to stop feeding it.

To do that we practice disconnecting.

You’ve been in a habitual thought pattern.  Your brain is getting good at thinking about this situation (a lot) and in a way that is not empowering you.  We need to change that up.  

This part is easier said than done.  You have to start paying attention.

Awareness is an underrated commodity.

From now on, when you’re around the person-in-question, or the topic is raised, pause on purpose to notice what’s going on with you.  Are you triggered?

DO NOT jump on that hamster wheel.

You have a choice.  You just have to be awake to make it.

Breathe.  Then close your eyes, and imagine unplugging your energy from the person and the situation.  (Yes – I mean literally imagine taking a cord that’s been plugged into some outside thing, and unplug that sucker.)  

I know this can feel a little woo-woo, but it works.  Your brain needs a shake-up.  It needs you to interrupt your old way of thinking on this topic.  Using a visualization does the job.  For bonus points, if you allow your imagination to kick in, you can make this part fun.  (That’s a little life-coach-geek action for you).

Once you’ve unplugged, bring your attention back to what matters.  Refocus on what is most important to you.  

Disconnection completed.

Expect to have to repeat this cycle several times.  While your emotions will lessen with each pass through the steps, it’s typical to have to repeat the process.  Don’t worry about how many tries it takes.  Focus on the process itself.

The more you practice the stronger you get.  You’re building emotional muscle.  That will serve you in all areas of your life.

While letting go of a grudge will not necessarily change the circumstances that created the grudge, doing so will give you your power back.  From that place, you can make the changes you need to.  To help, next week I’ll walk you through a process you can use to set boundaries and require real change in your life.  I want to keep you coming back! 

Thanks for checking in with me this week.  Remember to like and share this blog, and comment below.  I love hearing from you.

This week, celebrate even your smallest victories.  I’ll be walking the path right along with you.

You Got This!
Kim