Rewriting Draining Communication Loops
Anika S. Jones, M.Ed
✨️ Reimagining math instruction with SEL insight and AI-powered tools 🥷🏾 The Relational Sensei
Series: The Other Side of the Report Card
We’ve all been there. You ask once. You ask twice. You give “the look.” You drop the “last warning.”
And still—nothing.
It’s the parenting version of déjà vu… or maybe déjà argué.
In Week 4 of The Other Side of the Report Card, we tackled one of the biggest frustrations parents face: repeating ourselves, escalating, and feeling unheard. The truth? These loops don’t just drain us—they teach our kids how to tune us out.
Why the Loops Keep Failing
During our Decoded webinar, we shared about how communication isn’t just what we say—it’s how and when we say it. When we react from emotion, we reinforce the very patterns we want to break.
3 Common Loop Setups:
The Volume Loop: We get louder → They shut down → We get louder.
The Nag Loop: We repeat → They delay → We repeat more → They tune out.
The Shutdown Loop: They pull away → We push harder → They retreat further.
Key shift: If the communication is always reactive, we never get to the root. Rewriting the loop means leading with regulation and clarity, not exhaustion.
Tone, Timing, and Trust
Tone Instead of: “How many times do I have to tell you?!” Try: “I know you’re in your zone—let’s knock out dishes now so you can get back to your evening.”
Practice reframe phrases:
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“That didn’t land well—can I/let's try again?”
“I'm picking-up some tension and maybe frustration—let's take a moment.”
Timing Avoid mid-conflict lectures. Use the 3-Beat Pause → Pause, lower voice, offer space and plan a time to revisit.
Trust Consistency > perfection. Kids notice how we handle small moments like “good mornings” as much as big conflicts.
Scripts for Sticky Moments
Chore Refusal → “We’re a team and everyone helps out so we can win the week! Choose now or after dinner.”
Sarcasm/Talking Back → “What I heard didn't match—what’s really going on?”
Shutdown/‘I Don’t Know’ Wall → “Hard to find the words? You can draw it, text it, or write a note.”
Repeated Avoidance → “It seems like this may be overwhelming. Let’s break it into steps.”
When We Mess It Up
We all do. What matters is the repair:
“I didn’t like how I said that/how that went. Let me try again.”
Invite feedback on how it landed from their perspective.
Resist defending your intention—prioritize how it felt for them.
Every repair models how to “try again”; not only with us but our young people will learn to have grace with themselves.
Your Next Steps This Week
✅ Pause and breathe before you speak.
✅ Use one new script from above.
✅ Notice what’s working. Give a ShoutOut!
💡 Want the tools for these moments ready to go?
🟢 Grab the SEL Parent Starter Bundle — bite-sized tools for moments like this.
👥 Join the Parenting by Design Cohort — our next group starts September 7th.
🗓 Coming Up Next: Week 5 – Invisible Loads: The Mental Math Parents (and Kids) Carry
"Communication can be tough at times. But remember this—when we change the pattern, we change the connection."