A Sentence You Should Completely Avoid When Seeking Advice

Before we jump into the main point of this newsletter, let's have a little fun. Try this. Go somewhere off the beaten path at your office, or at least shut the door. You know, where people won't stare at you. If you do this, it will 10x improve the learning in this newsletter.

I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are an evil scientist hovering over a captured, frightened patient. The patient is strapped to a chair with nowhere to go, looking up at you with terrified eyes. Can you see the scene? Are you in character? 

Okay, now...In your best evil scientist voice and while wiggling your fingers in front of you to physicalize your evil intent, I want you to say these words to your victim er, uh...patient...and say them slowly. 

"I - want - to - pick - your - brain." 

Now, do your best maniacal laugh. 

Go ahead, try it. I'll wait.

Now, that's pretty much what your listener imagines in their mind every time they hear someone say those words to them. This statement is usually made in the most innocent, well-intended fashion, by folks who truly want to learn something.

Yet, the desire to learn, seek mentorship, or gain insights is sabotaged by terrible inner imagery that evokes an avoidance response in the person whose counsel you're seeking.

The reason is simple. And it's very primal. It's part and parcel of our Human Operating System. Your brain and the brain of the person you're asking for advice has a mandate to make sense of the world. To do that, according to Dr. Ivan Tyrrell, the brain is a metaphorical pattern-matching organ. 

When we do this, we transfer imagery from the teller to the listener. Our brain forms images of these words which draw deeply from metaphor.  So, let's go back to our phrase. When you unpack the words, "I'd like to pick your brain," what metaphors emerge? For me, it’s buzzards tearing at a dead carcass of roadkill. Every time. Not exactly a helpful metaphor when you're asking for advice. 

Picking someone else's brain is predatory, creepy, and invasive.

At first, I thought maybe this was just me that had this visceral reaction to it, but I do a lot of coaching with high performers like D1 coaches, actors, and corporate C-suites. I've asked them how they feel about this term, and I've never found someone who likes it. "Yeah, every time I hear that, I want to run for the exits," one finance CEO told me. "Because it means someone's going to co-opt my time with no reciprocity to extract what I know. It always makes me think of vampires or aliens" 

Again, it doesn't necessarily represent ill intent. But what it does represent is a thinly sliced, non-intentional way of taking other people's time. What people want is a thoughtful engagement that demonstrates from the outset that you value their perspective and their advice. 

So why do we do it? Because we are in a trancelike state of Churn, with our heads down in our phones, blindly stumbling from one transaction to the other. "Sure, I'll pick a brain. It's easier than showing up for a conversation where I have to be present."

Get below the waterline of the modern world and into the space of old-school human engagement. Try something like, "Hey Jerry, if you have some time, I'd love to get your advice on what you learned when you transitioned out of the Marine Corps" or "You've run a lot of these miles already, Susan. Do you think I could buy you a cup of coffee and get your perspective on how I should onboard with this new team?" 

Your goal is still the same, but the metaphors and the framing represent a value of the other party and not a predatory approach. I think you'll find that people are far more comfortable in sharing things that really matter.

Leadership in this time of Churn is subtle. Words matter. Intention matters even more. Oftentimes a better understanding of our human operating system can help us get bigger stuff done. My book, Nobody is Coming To Save You, can help with that. 

And...If you like these tips, I'd love for you to be part of our Scott Mann Leadership Academy on Skool. It's a completely free community with awesome folks who value human connection - just like you. We are a community who want to get a little bit better each day at the social capital we build in this world. I hope to see you there. And for the love of God, don't pick any brains this week. 

I'll see you on the Rooftop.

Scott Mann