The seven lessons I never learned in a book

“Experience is not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you.” — Aldous Huxley

THE QUESTION

What lessons has leadership taught you that no book ever could?

Some lessons don’t come from frameworks. They come from fumbling your way through conflict. From watching a high-performer suddenly disengage, and realizing you missed something. From stepping back when every instinct told you to take control.

No matter how many books you read or courses you take, nothing prepares you for the lived experience of leadership. It humbles you. It changes you. It forces you to see people and yourself differently.

The more I coach leaders, the more I see that growth doesn’t come from knowing the “right” answer. It comes from asking better questions. From noticing the patterns you used to ignore. From realizing that leadership isn’t about being followed. It’s about creating the conditions where people can thrive, whether you’re in the room or not.

And that kind of growth doesn’t happen in theory. It happens in practice.

THE RESEARCH

Leadership development is most effective when it’s experiential. According to research by the Center for Creative Leadership, 70% of leadership growth comes from on-the-job experiences, 20% from coaching and feedback, and only 10% from formal training.

Effective leaders are also fluid leaders. They empower teams, foster psychological safety, and adapt their style to meet the team’s evolving needs. This echoes the core of Situational Leadership Theory, which emphasizes adjusting your leadership approach based on the readiness and context of those you lead, rather than sticking to a rigid model.

What you believe about leadership shapes how you lead. And that belief shifts through real, sometimes uncomfortable experiences.

SOME ADVICE

When I look back at the leaders I’ve coached, the biggest breakthroughs rarely come from mastering a tool or learning a new model.

They come from moments that feel small, but shift everything.

Like the leader who realized they gave feedback like a drill sergeant, then saw how much more effective they were when they asked questions instead.

Or the manager who believed her team lacked initiative, until she saw how often she shut down ideas with her urgency. Or the founder who thought he had a “culture problem” when really, it was a trust issue with one senior leader.

These moments don’t always feel profound in the moment. But they open the door to a different kind of leadership, one rooted in reflection, not reaction.

If you’re serious about becoming a better leader, don’t just ask, “What should I do?”

Ask: “What am I reinforcing?”, “What story am I telling?” and “What permission am I giving people, through my actions?”

Because leadership is rarely only about what you say. It’s about what you signal, through how you show up when things are hard, unclear, or uncomfortable.

You don’t need to have all the answers. But you do need the courage to listen, to shift, and to keep learning.

YOUR HACK

Here are 7 unspoken lessons every leader needs to learn by doing:

1. Empowerment means letting go.

If your team always chooses what you would have picked, you haven’t empowered them. Real leadership is giving others the space to decide, even when it diverges from your way. But letting go doesn’t mean stepping back into chaos. Empowerment only works when the scaffolding is solid: clear goals, roles, and decision-making guardrails give your team the freedom to lead without falling off the edge.

2. Toxicity isn’t always loud.

It’s not just yelling or micromanagement. Sometimes it’s subtle, passive aggression, silence, or exclusion. The absence of safety can be just as damaging as active harm. The quiet erosion of trust often happens in unnoticed moments, not explosive ones.

3. “Team over individual” is a muscle.

Saying it is easy. But living it means giving up credit, supporting others’ ideas, and confronting egos, including your own. It’s a choice you make in meetings, in recognition, in how you share the spotlight, or don’t.

4. Leaders shape the narrative.

Whether through your handling of failure or your celebration of wins, you constantly define your team's emotional reality. Every decision you make tells your team what matters most, even when you don't say it out loud.

5. Failure must be safe.

Psychological safety doesn’t mean perfection; it means letting people trip without being punished, so they learn faster and return stronger. Without safety, your team will play small and avoid risk, not because they can’t do more, but because it’s not worth the cost.

6. Feedback is a suggestion, not a sentence.

When leaders prescribe instead of suggest, they kill ownership. Invite ideas, offer insights, and let them own the path forward. Otherwise, you're not leading, you're puppeteering.

7. It’s not always the whole team.

If dysfunction persists, look closer. Sometimes, one toxic player is shaping the culture more than you realize. Avoiding that truth can cost you your best people and the culture you’ve worked hard to build.

PARTING THOUGHTS

Leadership reveals who you are more than who you want to be.

You’ll learn through hard decisions, quiet feedback, failed attempts, and surprising breakthroughs. Not all lessons will feel good, but they’ll shape you into the kind of leader people remember.

So ask yourself: What has leadership taught you that no book ever did? And who are you becoming because of it?

The next chapter of your leadership will be written by the choices you make today. Make them count.

The Unicorn Leaders Podcast

Back for Season 2!

Looking for some great inspirational stories to help overcome the competition?

The Unicorn Labs Podcast is back with a new season of episodes!

This season will be focused on exploring why small, agile teams often outperform larger, resource-rich competitors.

Fahd will dive into fascinating underdog success stories and interview CEOs, Founders, and HR professionals who will share their actionable tips on overcoming challenges and building unstoppable teams.

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Sincerely,

The Unicorn Labs Team

(P.S. We have a podcast! Check out our conversations with fellow leaders on Apple Podcasts & Spotify)

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!