Some things I’ve learned about setting boundaries without guilt (and saying “no” without feeling sorry about it)
For most of my life, I was a people pleaser—the kind of person who genuinely didn’t know how to say no. Maybe deep down, I believed that saying yes would make people love me. Perhaps I thought keeping everyone happy meant I was worthy. Or maybe I was just afraid—afraid that saying no would push people away.
And this wasn’t limited to just one part of my life. It was everywhere: friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, and even at work. I’d find myself struggling to say no even to people who didn’t matter much to me. It was just really hard to say no.
Alongside this chronic people-pleasing was an overwhelming sense of guilt. If I even considered the possibility of disappointing someone, guilt would immediately creep in. Even now, after years of therapy, self-reflection, and working on my self-awareness (all incredibly important, by the way!), guilt is still something I need to consciously keep an eye on. It's a lifelong practice.
There was one moment that really shifted something inside me, though. Something wonderful had just happened in my life, and I shared this good news with a "friend" whom I had consistently bent over backwards for, always saying yes, even when it cost me. But at that moment, I saw it clearly—he wasn’t genuinely happy for me. In fact, he almost seemed resentful. It hit me deeply. Why was I always saying yes to someone who wasn’t even happy for my happiness? That question stayed with me. It made me start reading, reflecting, and learning about boundaries, about the power of saying “no,” about how much I had been giving away pieces of myself just to avoid discomfort. I realised that this habit had been deeply ingrained in me for far too long, and it was high time I started making changes.
Of course, at the start, it wasn’t easy. Some people around me kept telling me I’d changed. And they were right! I had changed! I was finally prioritising myself and my well being instead of pleasing others just to keep the peace.
At first, saying no felt uncomfortable, sometimes painful. But gradually, it got easier. And that process revealed something important: who truly loved me and wanted what was best for me, and who only loved the convenience of my endless yeses. I remember reading something that deeply resonated: "If you say yes to everything, your yes means nothing." That hit me hard. Think about it—if I constantly say yes, then what’s special about it? But if I say no when it feels right, when I choose to say yes, it becomes a conscious, intentional act. It means I'm genuinely investing my time and energy into that person or experience.
Brené Brown also speaks beautifully about this. She shares how she used to say yes automatically and ended up exhausted and resentful. Now, she has a ring she spins three times before answering any request, forcing herself to pause and respond intentionally. She talks about choosing discomfort over resentment, a phrase that has become a personal mantra for me. I'd rather embrace the temporary discomfort of a difficult "no" than carry the long-lasting bitterness of a reluctant "yes."
Learning to set boundaries didn’t just improve my personal relationships—it transformed my work life, too. I’m naturally someone who loves helping others, a genuine team player. But now, I know my limits. I’ve learned how to respectfully communicate when something isn’t feasible or when priorities need shifting. It isn’t selfish—it’s responsible. Sometimes that means saying no to new tasks, or having open conversations with managers about priorities. It means respecting my own limits so I can deliver better, healthier, more sustainable results. Because at the end of the day, time is our most valuable asset. Every "yes" we give is a gift—a little piece of our life, our energy, our heart, which should be shared intentionally. So if there’s one thing I hope you take from this reflection, it’s this: Learning to say no without guilt and setting healthy boundaries isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about creating space for authenticity, joy, and genuine connections in your life. Each conscious "no" you give is a gentle act of kindness towards yourself, allowing your "yes" to carry deeper meaning.
So perhaps today, take a moment and ask yourself: What have you been saying yes to? And are you acting from a place of authenticity or out of fear or guilt? How would your relationships, your work, your life feel different if your yes became a thoughtful choice rather than an automatic response?
After all, honouring your boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect. And the more you practice it, the clearer your path becomes, leading you towards relationships and experiences filled with meaning, intention, and genuine fulfilment. Because when your "no" is rooted in authenticity, every "yes" becomes a true celebration of who you really are.
Senior Manager, Premium Support @ LinkedIn
3moLove this Mah Marra! Thanks for sharing.