The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

Feeling More, Not Less

Emotional intelligence is often held up as a modern ideal in leadership and personal development. It is praised in boardrooms, celebrated in schools, and expected in anyone hoping to influence others or navigate conflict. But in popular conversation, its meaning has drifted. Too often, emotional intelligence is confused with emotional suppression, or worse, with emotional performance. That distortion is not just misleading. It undermines the very purpose of what emotional intelligence is meant to achieve.

Feeling emotion is not a failure of self-control. It is not a sign of immaturity or instability. In fact, the ability to feel deeply, to recognise and name emotional responses, and to integrate those responses into thoughtful behaviour is exactly what distinguishes emotional intelligence from emotional avoidance or emotional manipulation.

Emotional Intelligence Is Not About Suppressing Emotion

Contrary to how it is sometimes portrayed, emotional intelligence is not about silencing emotion or pretending to be calm in every situation. It is not about detaching yourself from how you feel. Nor is it about masking your emotional reality in order to appear composed or professional.

A person with high emotional intelligence is not someone who simply stays quiet during conflict, avoids showing frustration, or wears a fixed smile in every meeting. That may be social conditioning, people-pleasing, or fear of conflict. It is not necessarily emotional maturity.

True emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of your feelings, understand what causes them, and respond in a way that serves both your values and the context you are in. That often includes expressing emotion, not hiding it.

Strong Emotions Do Not Equal Low EQ

There is a false idea that people who express strong emotion must lack control. This idea is especially common in workplaces where composure is rewarded and vulnerability is viewed with suspicion.

In reality, someone who becomes visibly upset in response to unethical behaviour may be showing strength, not weakness. Someone who tears up when discussing a loss or a breakthrough may be expressing clarity, not chaos. A strong emotional response may reflect a deep understanding of what is at stake. Dismissing that as a lack of emotional intelligence is not only wrong, it reinforces damaging cultural norms about emotional expression.

The key is not whether emotion is felt or shown. The key is whether the emotion is owned, understood, and channelled appropriately.

The Real Components of Emotional Intelligence

The concept was popularised by Daniel Goleman in the 1990s. His framework remains the foundation for how emotional intelligence is assessed today:

Self-awareness: Recognising your emotions as they occur and understanding their impact.

Self-regulation: Managing emotional impulses and expressing them in a thoughtful and measured way.

Motivation: Using emotional energy to pursue goals and remain resilient in the face of setbacks.

Empathy: Understanding and acknowledging the emotions of others.

Social skill: Building rapport, resolving conflict, and navigating interpersonal situations with emotional sensitivity.

What is clear from this list is that emotional intelligence is not about having fewer emotions. It is about having a better relationship with them.

The Danger of Misunderstanding EQ

Part of the confusion arises because emotional intelligence is often observed from the outside. People assume that calmness means composure, that smiling means friendliness, and that silence means control. But these behaviours can also be signs of suppression, avoidance, or manipulation.

Workplaces that reward professionalism at all costs may unintentionally punish emotional honesty. People learn to mimic the emotional tone expected of them. Over time, authenticity is replaced with affect. Emotional intelligence becomes a script, not a skill.

This leads to a deeper concern. Emotional intelligence can be faked. High-functioning narcissists, political operators, and skilled manipulators may appear emotionally intelligent because they know how to read people and adjust their tone accordingly. But without integrity, these behaviours become tools of control, not connection.

The Role of Emotion in Reasoning

Another common misconception is that emotion interferes with logic. This idea has been debunked by neuroscience. Antonio Damasio’s research into patients with brain injuries that affected their emotional processing revealed something unexpected. These individuals could process facts and data. But they could not make even basic decisions. Without emotional input, their reasoning stalled.

Emotion does not block logic. It informs it. Emotional intelligence, then, is not a soft skill. It is a strategic asset. It allows people to navigate complexity, understand social dynamics, and act with greater awareness of the human dimension.

The Ethical Core of Emotional Intelligence

Importantly, emotional intelligence is neutral. It is a capacity, not a character trait. It can be used to motivate and support. But it can also be used to deceive and control. A high EQ can be a tool of empathy or a mask for manipulation.

This is why emotional intelligence must be grounded in ethics. It should be coupled with honesty, responsibility, and a commitment to the wellbeing of others. Otherwise, it becomes little more than performance.

A Better Definition

Emotional intelligence is not about staying calm at all costs. It is not about hiding how you feel or playing to what others want to see. And it is not about gaining favour through charm or restraint.

It is about recognising emotion as valid information, not a threat to logic or professionalism. It is about learning how to notice what you feel, understand why you feel it, and respond in a way that respects both yourself and the situation. And it is about developing the maturity to pause, reflect, and act with intention.

True emotional intelligence is the ability to think and feel at the same time. To stay open without being overwhelmed. To bring insight and integrity into moments that call for both strength and sensitivity.

It is not about feeling less. It is about feeling wisely. And knowing what to do with what you feel.