"We Have a Communication Problem," ( Or do we?)

When leaders tell me, “We have a communication problem,” I know there's a conflict somewhere. The reason people aren’t communicating isn't because they don't know how to talk. The reason they aren't talking, is relational. There’s a lack of trust. There’s hurt feelings. There’s fear of being misunderstood, of making waves of not getting support.

Which came first: The communication problem or the conflict?

What seems like a communication problem could actually be an inner conflict. Could it be that our inner conflicts turn into communication problems? For example, if someone is disrespectful, or rough around the edges, do they need a new technique, or do they have some sort of hidden or unconscious conflict? If someone misinterprets another, it's likely they'll seek understanding if the relationships is solid, and likely they'll read something into it if not. In both instances, the issues here may be based on faulty faulty narrative, but that's another subject. The bottom line is that our internal conflicts drive our communication with each other.

Typical communication skills training won't fix an inner conflict.

When relationships are strong and collaborative, we clarify, adjust, and move forward. There are no hard feelings, at least not for long.  But when trust is shaky, when there’s hidden resentments, unfulfilled wishes, lack of collaboration, that’s when poor communication becomes the scapegoat.

So, it's not that people don’t know how to talk, it’s that their lack of talking or their way of talking is a snapshot of what lies beneath: inner conflict in the form of resentment, anger, fear of being misunderstood, worrying about lack of support.

There is no communication problem without an unresolved conflict, and there’s no conflict without an inner conflict first.

When the C-Suite Cares about Conflict

When conflict hits the executive radar, it’s because it’s affecting business outcomes: Customers are leaving, projects are stalled, mistakes are made, quality is compromised, and OSHA is knocking at the corporate door due to a safety violation. At this point, conflict is no longer a tactical issue—it’s a strategic one.

It's unfortunate when executives push conflict down to HR. (I’ve even heard C-Suite leaders refer to culture as the problem for HR.) They mistakenly believe a new policy, or a reorganization should make everyone play nice again. But policies, workshops and moving the chess pieces on the board won’t address the root problem. Policies only work when managers know how to enforce them and if mid-managers knew how to have difficult conversations the top layer wouldn’t know conflict existed in the first place. There would be a culture of accountability instead of a culture of avoidance.

Myth About Conflict at the Top

There’s a myth that the only conflict that exists is between front line employees and supervisors where the evidence is petty gossip, negativity and blame. That's simply not true. Dysfunction between senior leadership teams just show up differently: Silos, turf wars, undermining, secret alliances and public unity with private division. These issues indicate a lack of clarity and alignment. The Leadership Clarity Solution can solve the most important issue here: Leadership clarity.

I’ve talked with senior leaders about their own executive teams and this is what I hear, even at the top:  "But they just don't do conflict..." So, if senior leaders don’t do conflict, why do they expect their mid-level managers and supervisors to excel at it? Or why do they think a new policy is going to change anything if managers won’t have conversations? Because avoidance is the path of least resistance.

To be clear, most avoiders at the senior level know they avoid. Their avoiding is intentional based on a belief that the conflict will blow over in time. They say, “We’re all adults here," and "I'm not here to babysit."

Unfortunately, it's rare for conflict to just blow over. Unresolved conflict leaks out in sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, undermining, and turnover, and that’s why it looks on the surface like a communication problem. It’s easier to say “we have a communication problem” than to admit, we have some unresolved conflict but we don’t know how to fix it.

And this is going to sting: It’s easier to hire a coach to do a 360 feedback on a senior leader than it is for the executive to have an honest conversation about how the behavior affects team collaboration.  

If you’re a leader who intentionally avoids conflict, you’re unintentionally delaying your own growth.

The Courageous Leader Ecosystem addresses this challenge by creating support at every level of the organization. It equips leaders with a clear framework for having difficult conversations and shifts the way they think about conflict. With the right framework and a new perspective, anxiety decreases, confidence grows, and leaders have a clear path forward—even in the toughest situations. Let’s talk if you’d like to see how it works.

Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of   From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via LinkedIn, or at MarleneChism.com