What is coercive control and why is it so harmful?

Coercive control is a strategic form of psychological abuse where one partner gradually exerts dominance over the other through manipulation, threats, and restrictions. It is persistent, methodical, and designed to make a woman feel dependent, fearful, and powerless. The effects of coercive control can linger well beyond the end of the relationship.

Compared to physical violence, coercive control is manipulative and pervasive. It doesn’t leave visible bruises but instead tightens an invisible grip on a woman’s life. It is a calculated pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, isolate, and strip away a woman's autonomy.

A survivor of domestic abuse once said to me:

“At first, he was charming. He checked in to ensure I got home safely, and he told me he loved spending all his time with me. But then, his checking in became monitoring and his love turned into control, and before I knew it, I was no longer living my own life.”

This is a powerful reminder of how easily manipulative behaviors can infiltrate a relationship, no matter how new or well-established.

Relationships must be built on trust, mutual respect, and love, but what happens when trust, respect, and love is replaced by control? Too many of us still believe abuse begins with a slap, a punch, or a shove. However, in reality, for countless survivors, it starts long before that, with coercive control.

What exactly is coercive control, and does the law recognise it as a crime?

Dr Evan Stark, a forensic social worker and criminologist, introduced the concept of coercive control, with his work gaining extensive recognition following the publication of his book “Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life” in 2007. He argued that domestic abuse is not just physical violence but about systematically stripping a victim of independence.  He describes it as:

"...a pattern of domination that includes tactics to isolate, exploit, and regulate the everyday behaviour of victims. Coercive control is more effective than physical violence in entrapment because it attacks a person’s autonomy and ability to make decisions for themselves."

In the UK, coercive control has been legally recognised as a form of domestic abuse since 2015. Recent amendments under the Victims and Prisoners Act have strengthened laws to improve offender management. The Australian Institute of Family Studies showed that between 7.5% and 28% of individuals in general population samples have experienced coercive control, with significantly higher rates among women who have seeked support from domestic violence services.

One of the UK's leading support organisations for domestc abuse survivors, Women's Aid, submitted written evidence to the UK Parliament's Justice Select Committee, and stated that coercive control is at the heart of domestic abuse with 95 out of 100 domestic abuse survivors in one study reported experiencing coercive control. This is further supported by research from the Femicide Census, which analyses UK killings of women by men. It showed that in a vast majority of cases, coercive control had been a preceding factor before the murder.

However, precise or reliable data is hard to come by. They simply vary too much due to differences in legal definitions and research methods, and many studies focus on women already at increased risk, those accessing domestic violence services, living in shelters, or engaged in custody disputes.

A 2022 study by the Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse (CRiVA) found that coercive control is vastly underreported, with many victims unaware that what they are experiencing is a form of domestic abuse punishable by law.

The Psychological Impact of Coercive Control

'Emma', a victim-survivor of domestic abuse, and now an advocate and empowerment coach for others who have experienced abuse, recalls how the control crept into her life gradually:

“People ask me why I didn’t leave when the abuse started. But the truth is that the love-bombing distracts you and pulls you in, so the insults and degradation can creep up without you noticing it. He was slowly breaking down my self-esteem and self-worth in ways I was unable to identify at first. I would second guess myself constantly. The gaslighting and the manipulation, it’s the most insidious part of coercive control, because you don’t trust yourself and you don’t trust anyone else. I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.”

Professor Sandra Walklate, a criminologist, explains that coercive control thrives on a lack of awareness, with many victims only realising they are being controlled once they have lost their independence.

Women who endure coercive control frequently describe feeling like a shadow of their former selves, doubting their own judgment, losing confidence, and living in a constant state of anxiety. Research published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence confirms that it leads to severe mental health consequences, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

Recognising the Warning Signs

The subtle beginnings of coercive control make it often difficult to recognise. However, certain warning signs indicate a relationship may be turning abusive:

• Isolation – Discouraging or preventing contact with friends and family, cutting you off from your support network. There is a good reason you are forbidden to discuss the relationship with your friends and family. It is because the abuser understands that their own behaviour is wrong and is afraid you will leave them if you get feedback and support.
• Monitoring – Checking your phone, social media, or tracking your whereabouts to control your movements.
• Financial Control – Restricting access to money, forcing you to justify every expense, or taking over your finances entirely.
• Micromanaging Your Life – Dictating what you wear, what you eat, how you spend your time, or where you work.
• Gaslighting – Distorting reality to make you question your memory, perception, or sanity.
• Degradation & Humiliation – Repeatedly putting you down, making you feel worthless, or subjecting you to verbal abuse.
• Threats & Intimidation – Using fear to control you, including threats to harm you, your loved ones, pets, or even themselves.
• Sexual Coercion – Pressuring or dictating when, how, or where sexual activity takes place.
• Threats to Publicly Disclose Personal Information – Using sensitive, private, or embarrassing details to manipulate or silence you.

This list is certainly not exhaustive, but recognising these behaviours is the first step towards breaking free from coercive control. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, please be assured that unconditional help and professional support is available.

The warning signs of an abusive relationship become even clearer when your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions, denies wrongdoing, belittles your experiences, or shifts the blame onto you. If this is the case, you need to trust your intuition and admit to yourself that what you are experiencing is what you are experiencing! Otherwise, you’re in danger of making one excuse after another for your partner’s emotional cruelty and violation of trust. You’re in danger of staying in a relationship in which his behaviours get worse and worse over time, and the long-term effects on you will get worse and worse too. Stories from thousands of women all over the world show this to be true.

If you recognise these alarming warning signs, or so-called red flags, and begin to see the correspondence between your partner’s behaviour and the hallmarks of psychological abuse, you will have taken the first and the most important step towards stopping the abuse. It is at this particular point that friends, family and healthcare or legal professionals can offer you the help and support you need and deserve.

The Lasting Impacts

As previously stated, the devastating reality of coercive control is that it thrives in silence, isolation, and self-doubt. But knowledge is power. Recognising the signs, understanding these manipulative tactics, and trusting your instincts are critical steps towards reclaiming your autonomy.

This is exactly why I wrote NEVER A VICTIM – The Definitive Guide to Women’s Safety, a thought-provoking, survivor-led, and trauma-informed book on women’s safety, empowering readers to trust their intuition, recognise danger, and protect themselves effectively. It provides clear, comprehensive answers to some of the most serious and complex questions women have about their personal safety.

Please read all Goodreads Book Reviews.

Alternatively, for ongoing insights into the psychological and physical aspects of women's safety, I invite you to explore my regularly updated blog dedicated to personal safety for women.