What to Do When Vulnerability Goes Wrong

Have you ever taken the risk of making yourself vulnerable to another only to have this person walk out of your life, use what was shared against you, or even worst, completely violate your trust by sharing with others what you told them in confidence and now you face significant consequences as a result.

Everyone these days talks about the power of vulnerability, how you should speak your truth, and let others in, but what happens when vulnerability goes wrong? How do you recover from the hurt, grief and loss of this violation of trust?

Here are few guidelines that can help you recover when being vulnerable goes sideways.

1. First things first. Get fully present to the experience and begin to shore up areas where vulnerable exposure might threatened your reputation, career, business, or your personal safety and security. You will most likely want to get help from those you can trust (Yes, I know, another vulnerability yet likely necessary). They can help you see past your emotions, brainstorm and put strong strategies into action.

2. Go within. What emotions are you feeling and what support do you need to process them? It is normal to feel shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, hurt and a range of other emotions when experiencing loss. Opening yourself to someone and having that opening violated may create a sense of loss (loss of trust, safety, connection, acceptance, companionship, etc). It's imporant to acknowledge the sense of loss you are experiencing.

3. Go deeper? What boundaries did you not make clear or allow to be crossed in this situation consciously or unconsciously? What needs were unmet in your life such that you were less judicious in your decision-making than you would have liked to be? What would it take to ensure these needs are met going forward? Contemplate, journal or speak with a counselor or coach about what you discover.

4. Take 100% responsibility for your contribution to the situation (and no more) but without judging, shaming or blaming yourself or others? It is painful enough that this event happened. Offer grace and compassion to yourself. Also, try to understand the unmet needs of others involved. Don't make the situation worse by beating yourself up or give up your power by not owning up to your participation in the situation.

5. Forgive yourself. Then those involved (at your own pace). We all make mistakes but harboring rage or resentment towards ourselves or others is a recipe for stress, illness and dis-ease. Learn from your lesson, choose with greater wisdom in the future but give yourself permission to release toxic emotions. Remember, forgiveness or releasing one's right for revenge is a process. Do your inner work but allow it to run its course.

Finally, just because you experienced a challenge to your vulnerability doesn't mean you can never trust others again. It just means you must be more present and intentional about how you move into relationships where vulnerability is an important part of a strong relationship.