What makes a good therapist?

This month marks 6 years since I launched First Session.

I’ve talked to over 1000 therapists in that time. Interviewed more than 150 for an hour each. More than 10,000 of you have used First Session to find a therapist.

In that time, I’ve also spent 2+ years in therapy, working with several therapists on different levels and in varying capacities.

Through my own experiences, and my own observations, I’ve got a few things to say about what makes a good therapist. So here it goes:

The best therapists are “grounded”

According to the dictionary, grounded means “mentally and emotionally stable”. And I like to add the word “presently” to the beginning of that.

A great therapist, in my opinion, has lived experience. I think it actually helps if they’ve suffered, if they’ve traveled to the depths and back, and have resurfaced.

The journey of hardship and hard lessons gives your therapist so much more depth and capacity. It gives them wisdom (to share), and compassion.

But it all depends on their ability to master themselves in the present moment—because when you work with a great therapist, the present moment belongs to you.

Meeting you where you’re at

Lots of therapists say “I meet my clients where they are at”, but what does that actually mean?

It means that, if you’re struggling with social anxiety, and have trouble in group settings, you’ll start there with your therapist.

If you’re feeling super down and can barely muster the motivation to have a shower and brush your teeth, you’ll start there with your therapist. If you’ve just gotten out of a multi-year relationship, your heart is aching, and you’re constantly holding back tears, you’ll start there with your therapist.

It’s that simple. A great therapist will literally come to whatever level you’re at, and hold space (which means patiently sitting with you and witnessing you in whatever form you’re in).

Not making you feel judged

The mind is a judging machine. The last thing you want to feel is shame or guilt in front your therapist.

Therapists who practice non-judgement have actively trained to quiet the judging part of the mind. It takes practice, but you can tell if your therapist is present and mindful very quickly. Instead of judging, your therapist ought to be curious and open to your possibilities—your potential. Your therapist ought not to be jumping to conclusions—rather your therapist seeks to understand.

Challenging you, when you’re ready

Therapy is for people seeking change. You’re in therapy to put an end to some sort of psychological suffering. You want break out of a pattern you’ve been stuck in, or get clarity on a challenging relationship.

If your therapist is doing their job well, they will become intimately aware of your goals and ideal destination. When they time is right, they will lift a mirror up to you—whether it be lifted gently or abruptly (whichever you need). This mirror will help you understand you, more deeply. Once you gain more understanding and awareness, change can begin to occur.

I’ve got lots more to say on the subject, but I will stop for now. If you have questions about therapy, I’d love to chat.

-Rob