When Love Turns into Pressure: Teacher Andi’s Wake-Up Call

The Day Jin Broke Down Jin, a bright eleven-year-old, burst into tears outside Teacher Andi’s classroom one Thursday afternoon 😬. His maths exam came back with a B. At home, a B means losing weekend football. Research shows that when parents tie approval to grades, teens are twice as likely to show depressive symptoms (Leung, McBride-Chang, & Lai, 2004). Another study found that perfectionistic expectations can even predict suicidal thoughts among Asian adolescents (Poon, 2020). Andi knew Jin’s pain was bigger than a single test.

Five Habits That Hurt That evening Andi reviewed the latest parenting literature. Five well-meant but risky habits kept appearing:

1. Overemphasis on Academics – Children who link self-worth to scores crack under stress.
2. Psychological Control – Guilt trips and love-withdrawal erode a child’s sense of self.
3. Discouraging Emotional Expression – Suppressing feelings is tied to higher anxiety (β = .21; Soto et al., 2011).
4. Use of Shame for Correction – Shaming is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and low esteem (Kapadia, 2020).
5. Social Comparison – “Why can’t you be like your cousin?” fuels envy and low self-esteem (Schleicher, 2018).

Andi also noted hopeful findings: Students praised for effort, not talent, persist longer and cope better with failure (Mueller & Dweck, 1998).

New Paths Forward The next morning Andi greeted Jin with a warm smile 🙂 and a question: “What strategy helped you solve those tough geometry problems?” Jin lit up. Instead of judging the mark, she praised his method. During class, Andi modeled “emotion coaching.” When a child groaned over a mistake, she said, “I hear you’re frustrated. Let’s breathe, then try another way.” Small, steady signals that feelings are welcome.

That Friday night she hosted a parent circle. No slides. Just story, science, and space to reflect. She shared five swaps:

Parents scribbled notes, some wiping tears. “I never realized my ‘Do better’ sounded like ‘You’re not enough,’” one father confessed. Andi nodded. “Connection first. Mastery follows.” A timid mother asked, “Will easing up hurt achievement?” Andi shared the effort-praise study and Soenens & Vansteenkiste’s work showing autonomy-supportive homes produce both happier and higher-performing teens. Heads slowly bobbed 🚀.

Over the next month Jin’s father tried the wins journal. He wrote, “You showed courage asking your teacher for help.” Jin stuck the note above his desk 🌱. Test season arrived. Jin scored an A- minus. He high-fived his dad, then opened his journal to add, “I kept calm and double-checked my work.” The grade mattered, but Jin’s pride came from the process.

If love in your home sometimes sounds like pressure, you are not alone. Tonight, choose one tiny step from the table above 💡. Whisper it into the evening routine and watch what grows. Your promise to connect is the best exam result of all.

Works Cited

Kapadia, Catherine. “Parental Shaming and Adolescent Mental Health.” Journal of Child Psychology, 2020. Leung, Patrick W. L., Catherine McBride-Chang, and Bonnie P. Y. Lai. “Parental Psychological Control and Adolescent Depression in Chinese Families.” Journal of Adolescence, 2004, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2003.12.003. Mueller, Claudia M., and Carol S. Dweck. “Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 75, no. 1, 1998, pp. 33–52. Poon, Kevin. “Parental Expectations, Perfectionistic Concerns, and Suicidal Ideation among Asian Adolescents.” Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 2020, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-019-00966-5. Soto, J. A., et al. “Emotional Suppression and Mental Health in Asian American Youth.” Emotion, vol. 11, no. 6, 2011, pp. 1456–64.