When We Say “Should,” “Have To” and “Must,” What Actually “Could” Be Can Slip Away From Us

As we pass summer’s midpoint, and you start thinking about all those plans you had for the sunshine back in March… how often do the words “should” and “must” show up in your internal dialogue? How often do your aspirations become burdens when the rubber hits the road?

Emma Hanks McAdam , featured on episode 243 of the Disrupt Yourself podcast, introduced me to the work of Albert Ellis – and it’s his theories that I want to focus on this week. Ellis was a famous American psychologist who developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), a framework that I found both enlightening and useful for anyone trying to accelerate their growth journey. 

In his research, Ellis identified three ‘musts’ – rigid, absolute beliefs that people hold internally, contributing to emotional distress:

1. “I must do well and be approved of by everyone I meet, or I’m not good.”
2. “Others must treat me fairly and kindly and always consider my feelings. If they do not treat me this way, they are not good people and deserve to be punished.”
3. “I must always get what I want, when I want it. If I don’t, I’m miserable.”

At the center of each of these is the internal belief that life ‘shouldn’t’ be as it is. Reevaluating what ‘must’ happen and pushing back against our own ‘shoulds’ are key to successfully navigating our own S Curves. When we say ‘should,’ it is a clear indicator we need to Examine Expectations, one of our Seven Accelerants of Growth.

Examining our Expectations means acknowledging that we grow when we intentionally analyze our beliefs, ensuring that our internal assumptions are healthy. 

So, how can we learn to examine our expectations about what ‘should’ or ‘must’ be and, as a result, not only grow faster but feel happier and healthier? Here, Ellis’ five-step system guides us away from the mental trap of only dealing in absolutes. 

1. Identify the belief. For example, take a colleague who feels pressured to have perfect deliverables and must always exceed everyone’s expectations. The internal belief there sounds like, “I have to perform perfectly whenever asked in order to be accepted, and I have to be accepted to be a good human being.”
2. Challenge the belief. Ask yourself, “Is it really true that everyone will think poorly of me just because I didn’t have the capacity to take on a new project? Could it be possible that they are not judging me as harshly as I think?”
3. Replace the belief. Choose something that is more realistic and conducive to what you want for yourself. “It’s not my responsibility to control how others think or feel about me. I can only be true to myself and trust that others will respect and appreciate me for who I am.”
4. Practice new behaviors. Don’t be the first to volunteer when a coworker needs help. Stop yourself from ruminating when you realize you turned in a deliverable with a typo. Try turning in a rough draft of a project with one round of edits before you would have in the past. 
5. Track – and celebrate – progress. Continue to monitor yourself for any signs of success. Looking for the outcome increases dopamine and motivation. Celebrating helps cement your growth as a part of your identity. 

When we learn to examine the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ that are present in our internal dialogues and replace them with realistic and helpful beliefs, we change the trajectory of both our growth curves and our happiness. In the words of writer Joan Didion, “Every day is all there is.” Take today to be a little kinder to yourself.

Where is saying “I should” and “I must” actually holding you back? 

What beliefs can you replace them with?