Who sets your tempo?

“Girl, you put the bar VERY high!”

That’s the reply I got from one of my good friends and a former colleague after I shared with her a short clip of me drumming. It was of the first time I ever played with people and in front of people.

Was it an event that was going to shape the course of world history?

For sure not.

But was it a big deal for me?

Yes, it was HUGE and I wanted to share it with the people I care about, people who care about me. I shared it with the kind of people who know what it is to struggle, the kind of people who are healthy strivers.

Those people are my people.

Her words gave me pause for some deep reflection. The reason was because I don’t think about things I do in terms of placing a bar anywhere, be it high or low. And I was a little sad that she had that perception of me.

I truly don't measure myself in relation to any kind of outward standard or benchmark.

I’m not trying to impress anyone.

Neither am I concerned with out-doing or out-performing anyone.

None of the motivation for any of what I do is extrinsic. It definitely used to be, but not now.

From my youngest years as a child in school in Ireland to the earlier stages of my career, I used to yearn for external praise and validation. I hankered after the gold star, the teacher's commendation, the accolade of excellence.

And with that I equated my sense of self-worth.

The thing is, when we depend on other people to tell us what we’re worth, we’re always going to risk feeling inadequate, less-than and not enough.

We're always going to be susceptible and vulnerable to the variability of other people's appraisal.

I know that to be true. I lived through it. And I fell down hard because of it.

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” - Dita Von Teese

For me, the change came when I was faced with a choice between the futile struggle of trying to satisfy what other people thought I should be and the discomfort of upsetting them by rejecting their expectations. I made a decision that I was done, once and for all, with letting other people curate the boundaries of my worthiness and self-esteem.

It’s a hard move to make.

And yet it’s hands-down the best decision I ever took.

I enjoy challenges. I enjoy doing hard things. I enjoy learning. I enjoy contributing. I enjoy finding that I can belong in places and activities and conversations where nobody ever expected to find me.

Least of all myself.

I have done it in the realm of prudential supervision with central bankers in financial services. I have done it in academia. I have done it in cybersecurity and in the context of hybrid warfare. And now I have done it at drum camps and live band rehearsals.

I'm not looking for anyone to say, "Wow, aren't you awesome for doing all of that".

My point is exactly the opposite in fact.

I am not exceptional. I just made a decision that a lot of people don’t make. What makes the difference is that I chose to be me, to live on my terms and to pursue activities that put joy into my life and give it meaning.

I conduct my life according to two unarguable principles which are  “do no harm” and “don’t be a dick”.

After that, it’s carpe diem all the way.

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Carl Jung

The decision to buck habit and convention and be ourselves does come with a price-tag. It comes with a social cost in terms of relationships that can go a little sour or sometimes even die on the vine. It comes with the cost of learning to brush off the weight of judgment and criticism from people who cannot stand the light of someone else shining in their power because they haven’t yet managed to make peace with their own shadow.

I'm not going to sugar-coat things here. It’s can be difficult to step into the full integrity of our aliveness. Some days it can feel very alienating. But for me, the alternative of living a half-life is infinitely worse. And so, I decided that if someone is going to be disappointed with me for how I show up in life, that person sure as hell isn’t going to be me.

My friend, my wish for you today is to realise that you are enough as you are. The world needs the fullness of you in all your magnificent abundance - so be brave and dare to make space for it.

The only comparison ever worth making is between who we are today compared to yesterday and who we could be tomorrow.

"I never decide if an idea is good or bad until I try it. So much of what gets in the way of things being good is thinking that we know. And the more that we can remove any baggage we're carrying with us, and just be in the moment, use our ears, and pay attention to what's happening, and just listen to the inner voice that directs us, the better." - Rick Rubin

In a world where so many of us chase external validation by seeking “more” and “faster” according to someone else's metrics, allow yourself, dear friend, to slow down and feel the drumbeat of your inner universe.

When you start to feel that pulse, it won’t matter what anybody else thinks of the rhythm because you will have found your groove.

Feel it. Vibrate to it. Live it.

It is truly the best gift any of us can give ourselves.

©AJ