Why You Can’t Heal From Narcissistic Abuse Without This One Emotion ✨

Last week, I made a post about how I almost didn’t make it to a beautiful spiritual retreat in Costa Rica — and honestly, the reason is rooted in my history of narcissistic abuse.

Here’s what happened.

Growing up, I was constantly chastised by my mother for wanting to travel — even though, from high school through college, I had earned five separate travel scholarships thanks to my high grades and leadership.

Still, the narrative was clear:

“Good girls stay close to home.”

“Traveling is irresponsible.”

“Who do you think you are?”

But I didn't stop dreaming or traveling.

At 20 years old, during my sophomore year of college, I became a private tutor for a sweet little girl named Leah who was struggling with reading. She was about to be left back in the third grade — for the third time. After six months of working with her, her literacy improved so much that she was accepted into a respected language school in Brooklyn, NY. One thing a traumatic upbringing helped me to develop is an unstoppable work ethic and a desire to meet the needs of others. 

From then on, her family invited me on their summer vacations to Fort Lauderdale. I was beyond excited. It was the beginning of what felt like a new chapter.

From 2017 to 2019, and then again in 2021 through 2023, we went every summer. Seven years. It became tradition.

But this year, something strange happened.

Leah’s grandmother texted me saying she wouldn’t be able to come due to a new job. A few days later, she informed me that my payment for the trip would now be double.

I was confused. “Wait… why?” Then, almost instantly, the old voice kicked in — the one so many survivors of narcissistic abuse know well:

“Just be grateful they even invited you.”

“Don’t question it.” “Don’t be difficult.”

“This is the only way you get to travel.”

That voice was survival-based.

But something arose in me. Something stronger. Something that I always tell me coaching clients, especially the survivors of narcissistic abuse, is not only valid but essential:

Anger.

And I sat with it. Just like I teach my clients to do.

After sitting with the anger for as long as I needed to truly feel it and embody it— suppress it or let it explode out of me — I asked it what it was trying to show me. 

And my anger told me this:

“You are not being respected.”

“You are being manipulated to cover someone else’s cost.”

“This feels way too familiar.”

And it was familiar — because it was the exact dynamic I had with my mother growing up. I was often forced to take on responsibilities that weren’t mine:

a. Things she was capable of doing herself but refused to…

b. Or things she emotionally guilted me into doing to make her life easier.

That’s called parentification — when the child becomes the caretaker, the emotional regulator, the peacekeeper.

But I’m not that wounded little girl  struggling with being a parentified child  anymore. I am an empowered woman who has rights, has freedom and most importantly knows her worth. 

So I took a deep breath and texted:

“Wow, the hotel is $600 this year? In the past it’s been around $300. I wasn’t sure if I’d be covering someone else’s portion now that you’re not coming. $600 is more than I expected, and it’s not doable for me right now.”

Her response?

“You don’t have to give me the money now. You can send it little by little — even over 6 months.”

Let’s pause.

She didn’t acknowledge the concern about the doubling of the price. She didn’t offer transparency. She just kept pushing — and even implied that she was being generous by offering me a payment plan.

Here’s the truth: I had the money. It was never about the money. It was about the principle.

The standard of respect. The value of honest communication. The self-worth built after learning to say the word ‘no’ in spute of tears, a shaking voice and an aching heart. 

 So guess what came up again?

Anger.

And again, I sat with it.

It said:

“You do not deserve this treatment. Do not — I repeat — do not go on this trip.”

So I responded with what would’ve been unimaginable to the old me:

“It’s not just about the timing of the payment — it’s that I shouldn’t be paying $600. I love Leah and the tradition we’ve built, but this year the cost just doesn’t feel aligned for me.”

Her reply?

“Can you do $400?”

Whew. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 30+ years, it’s this:

People don’t treat you how they want to be treated.

They treat you how they perceive you’ll accept being treated.

(Read that again.)

So I canceled the Florida trip.

Yes, I felt disappointed. This was a long-standing relationship.

One that felt like family I never had. But I honored myself.

And guess what?

The divine, the universe, God, whatever you call the force that is good in this world sent me an even better opportunity. 

That same week, I got a text from a coaching friend, Christene Sismondo (who runs the incredible W.O.M.B. Collective mastermind), inviting me to a sacred retreat in Costa Rica at VERDESANA . Amy Lagera hosted and led the retreat with compassion and grace.

And it was everything. Sixteen powerful women. We laughed together.

We cried together. 

We moved through nature together. 

We healed together. 

We healed each other.

I went from nearly reenacting a toxic family dynamic in Florida to receiving love and respect from people I didn’t even know prior. 

That honestly brings tears to my eyes. 

So here’s the truth I want you to receive:

Don’t let the ghosts of your past — the guilt, the manipulation, the neglect — rob you of the joy, love, and opportunity waiting for your highest self.

Your anger is sacred.

Listen to it. 

Learn to ask it questions.

Let it speak.

Let it guide you.

Let it break the cycle — so you can finally receive what you’re actually worthy of.

__________________

✨ If this message speaks to your soul, comment “YES” and tell me:

What has your anger been trying to teach you lately?