This World is Only Gonna Break Your Heart

Chatting with a close fiend recently, brought back a memory of jamming at Mulligan's (Singapore) with Original Jai, as he was known at the time (https://www.linkedin.com/in/jaiwahab/).

Jai is an incredible musician, one where you call out a song, and the most beautiful version of that song immediately comes right back at yah!

Onwards with my topic for today, Imposter Syndrome. We're starting to realise how prevalent this is in our friends and colleagues.

I've come to the conclusion, but perhaps it's only true for me, that imposter syndrome arises by confusing a lack of confidence, with an overpowering sense of incompetence.

For example, you've all seen, and many expressed appreciation for, my recent tribute to Jeff Beck (RIP). You now know that I love to play guitar. But, you couldn't feel the fear rising just before posting that tribute video. Or sense my dread, as I listened back to it and heard all of the tiny mistakes.

I didn't feel competent, and therefore believed that it wasn't a fitting tribute. When it comes to sharing my music, I just don't feel good enough.

All of the reminded me of the times before I'd get up at Jai's open mic night.

Friends would spend some time building me up and calming me down. When the time came for me to join Jai on stage, I'd be a bit more comfortable. Surprisingly, to me, after my song, Jai would ask me to stay up there and keep jamming with him.

I think Jai sensed my struggle. He'd lean across and say, "It's ok, just follow along with me".

As we played, I'd look out into the room, to see that people were actually listening, singing or nodding along.

In such moments, all of the external evidence is contrary to our internal dialog of not feeling good enough. Objectively, you are good enough, because all of the signs, if you pause and observe, will show that you're doing a great job.

Here's a tip on how I have learned to win the battle...and let's put it in a professional context.

When I'm in a meeting, or presentation, I watch and listen to the responses of people working with me. Fear gives you a heightened awareness, particularly to the non-verbal cues, words and actions of others. Listen less to what's going on inside your mind, and notice what is going on around you. The simplified saying is, get out of your head.

You can use your observational skill (heightened awareness) to take note and save the positive signs and feedback. Really, take it in - when people are smiling, nodding, or looking at ease. If they say, "you're doing a great job", believe them.

If that feedback isn't apparent, prompt it. Check in to see if your contributions are on-track, is there anything else you can do, ask if there is something you need to do differently. You can ask your leader, or check in with a colleague. Either will get you some useful insights, and help to put you at ease.

What a Wicked Game to play, to make me feel this way (#ChrisIsaak)

Imposter Syndrome is not something you simply/quickly fix though. It's a truly Wicked Game.

The negative dialog resumes at various times. Gradually, I have grown to be braver in sharing my creativity, but still fearing the response, and despite that, putting stuff out there anyway.

The same applies professionally. Sometimes, I hesitate about sharing new ideas, or thoughts that something, felt to be complex, can actually be greatly simplified in my view.

It's only by practicing the sharing process (a critical part of team work) that you'll realise how often you are right, or how frequently you start a new thought process with others, and suddenly, there's a breakthrough.

Share your fears with someone you trust, and you might just find that the lifelong scaffolding that supports an internal negative story, gets torn down, and sets you free.

Realise, that the words in your mind, are not objectively true.

The demon can not resist the truth, that you are good enough, you are competent, you do contribute, and people love you and enjoy working with you.

This world is only gonna break your heart

Finally, let's continue to be logical and realistic. The worst thing that can happen sometimes does. As Chris Isaak also said in Wicked Game, "This world is only gonna break your heart".

When things do go wrong, you might tend to feel that it's catastrophic, it's easy to lose perspective. But we must calm ourselves, pause and breathe... (do it now, it's good for you)

...things are rarely as bad as we feel they are.

We survive and find a new path when things come off the rails. We gradually become more resilient. I know that I've made some bad calls in my life, but I rarely make the same mistake twice - lessons are learned.

Success hasn't taught me much. The most valuable lessons come from when I've hit the wall, been blind-sided, taken a risk that didn't work out, fallen hard but then got up, dusted off and moved one step forward on the next journey.

The demons travel with me, but they are becoming easier to manage.

Summing up in two key points

Firstly, if you feel incompetent, acknowledge evidence to the contrary and absorb the positive feedback and appreciation others provide. Turn the volume down inside and let positivity from the outside cut through the noise.

Secondly, we're not in nirvana, things will go wrong. Lessons are learned and coping can transform into thriving, given the perspective that time provides, and the lessons learned, which add to our experience, and make us increasingly valuable to others.