Are You SHOULDing on Someone?

Had an opportunity to share one of my favorite stories from Tongue Fu! in a recent professional develoment training in Hawaii. A participant came up during break to say, "This is one of the most important things I've leared as a teacher - to get rid of the word SHOULD."

She's right. The word SHOULD almost always makes things worse.

While reading this story from Tongue Fu!, think of someone who recently made a mistake around you, whether at work or at home. What did you say? Did it help - or hurt?

A friend called me on a Saturday morning to ask for advice. He was a high school football coach and his team had played their rival the night before. Here's what happened.

It was the fourth quarter and the score was tied. They had the ball and were driving down the field. Their quarterback threw a perfect pass. Their best receiver, his son, was racing down the sidelines, reached out for the ball, and made a BIG mistake.

He took his eyes off the ball.

He couldn't resist sneaking a peek behind him to see how much he'd beat his defender.

Guess what happened? The ball went right through his hands and fell on the ground.

He felt terrible. He trudged back to the bench, head down.

My friend, the coach, was so emotionally caught up in the game, he didn't really stop to think about what he was going to say, he just lit into his son.

"Johnny, you SHOULD have kept your eyes on the ball. I can't believe it. You had the game in your hands and you blew it. How many times have I told you ..." and he didn't stop.

His son took it for a moment, then felt so humiliated in front of his teammates, he finally spoke up for himself.

"Dad, it was a MISTAKE. I didn't mean to do it. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I never want to play for you again."

After the game, his son got a ride with a friend, and when he got home, he went right upstairs and wouldn't even talk to his dad.

My friend told me, "Sam, I know what I said just made things worse. But what are you supposed to say when someone makes a stupid mistake?!"

I asked, "Charlie, do you know anyone who can change the past?

The word SHOULD serves no good purpose because it's usually about the past and no one can undo what's already done.

The world SHOULD makes people feel bad, and we can't motivate people to do better by making them feel bad."

He said, "What am I supposed to say then?"

"How about the words, 'Next time,' 'From now on,' or 'In the future?'

These words help us SHAPE behavior instead of SHAME it because they focus on the future instead of punish the past.

These words help us come across as a COACH instead of a CRITIC.

They help peope LEARN from their mistake instead of LOSE FACE over their mistake.

They teach people how to do things BETTER instead of making them feel BAD."

How about you?

If you want to be a force for good, form now on when people make mistakes, replace the word SHOULD with words that SHAPE their behavior instead of SHAME it.

Instead of, "You SHOULD have called and let me know you were running late" try, "FROM NOW ON if you're running late, please call to let me know so I don't mark you absent."

Instead of, "You SHOULD have told me you didn't know how to do that," try, "NEXT TIME you're not sure how to handle something, please ask Sue for help. She's been here for years and knows all the systems and regulations."

Instead of, "You SHOULD have brought that up in the meeting," it's more gracious to say, "IN THE FUTURE if you have questions, please bring them up in our staff meetings."

Wouldn't those options land better?

A recent LinkedIn News post quoted a study that said COMMUNICATION SKILLS - not tech skills - are most valued by employers and hiring managers.

In fact, Rohan Rajiv, LinkedIn's Product Lead for Job Search and Jobs Marketplace said, "Soft skills have become even more important given the rise of remote work across industries.

In fact, they were featured in 78% of jobs posted globally. HARD skills can get a recruiter's attention, but SOFT skills can help you land a job."

Words matter. Every one of them.

Replacing the resentment-causing word SHOULD with words that SHAPE vs. SHAME behavior can help us treat people with the respect they want, need, and deserve.

And that's a win for everyone.

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Find more ways to communicate with respect in TALKING ON EGGSHELLS. NYT bestseller Marie Forleo says it's "packed with word-for-word scripts rooted in clarity and compassion."