Why being nice at work is overrated, and how kindness matters

I was asked to write a blog for work and I have had positive feedback on it that made me think my network here might appreciate it too. So here goes... Why kindness matters Over my 25 years in the civil service, I have been grateful for all sorts of support I have received from colleagues, and I have learned that empathy at work is essential, and that it starts with something simple: kindness. Our days at work are filled with deadlines, deliverables and outcomes as we strive to deliver for ministers and our customers. We show up to work each day, in person or through a screen, and we smile, we answer emails and we attend meetings.  But every action, task and product completed has required effort from a human; a person with a life, a story and possibly a struggle you probably know nothing about. Life can be hard at times. We might be exhausted from caring for a parent/child, experiencing health issues, navigating a relationship break up, struggling financially or grieving a loss, but when asked how we are, we often politely answer, 'I'm fine'. Whilst everyone is working their socks off, often in back-to-back meetings and being inundated with emails/Teams messages, it is unsurprising that many feel under pressure with a mountain of actions. I would therefore wager that at times we have all rushed out a piece of work to a quality lower than we would have liked, missed a deadline or replied in haste to a colleague's message. It can be easy to jump to conclusions, especially when under pressure ourselves - missing a deadline or lower quality work could be considered an issue with performance, and what was sent as a short, efficient message could be perceived by the recipient as abrupt or conveying a tone that was not intended. I am absolutely not saying that we should ignore long-term underperformance, but where something is out of character or a blip, showing empathy could mean a pause before reacting or assuming someone's best intentions. Perhaps the other person has something else significant going on. Maybe they are feeling unwell or overwhelmed. Maybe they are doing the best they can right now. We simply couldn't know for sure. Empathy creates a place where people feel seen, heard and supported - safe - and when people feel safe, they are more engaged and more productive. Plus, they are then more likely to extend that same empathy to others, creating a ripple effect throughout the team.  If something seems awry, I hope that colleagues and managers would check-in with the other person in case support is needed - doing to our colleagues and staff what we would appreciate being done for us. Empathy doesn’t just make you a better human, it makes you a better leader and colleague.  So, the next time you feel irritated, disappointed or confused by someone at work - take a breath. Remember, you never know what someone is carrying and could be fighting a battle that you can't see. Choose empathy, assume the best, be kind - always.

5 reasons why you should avoid being too nice 5 reasons why you should avoid being too nice especially at the expense of your own well-being and identity 1. People Will Take Advantage of You Being overly nice often sends the message that you’re a people-pleaser. Some individuals, especially manipulators, will see this as an opportunity to exploit your kindness. You may find yourself constantly doing favors, tolerating disrespect, or shouldering responsibilities that aren’t yours simply because you don’t know how to say “no.” 2. You will end up suppressing Your true feelings Too nice people tend to hide their real thoughts to avoid conflict or disapproval. Over time, this emotional suppression leads to resentment, burnout, and even identity loss. You may smile outside but feel miserable inside, all because you’ve made yourself small to keep others comfortable. 3. You Become Easy to Ignore or Overlook When you’re always agreeable, others may stop taking you seriously. Your opinions might not be valued, and your presence might be taken for granted. Assertiveness earns respect but excessive niceness can make you invisible in relationships, in the workplace, and life in general. 4. It Damages Your Self-Respect Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” chips away at your confidence and personal boundaries. You begin to feel powerless, like your needs don’t matter. Over time, your self-worth becomes tied to people’s approval rather than your own standards and values. Thus without others validating whatever you want to do, there is no execution. 5. Not Everyone Deserves Your Niceness Being kind is a virtue, but not everyone is worthy of your energy. Some people will see your kindness as weakness and use it to control, deceive, or disrespect you. You owe it to yourself to protect your peace and sometimes that means being firm, setting boundaries, or even walking away.

I thought my lack of ideas meant I wasn’t creative. But the truth was simpler: I wasn’t happy. When I’m down, I can’t even think straight or solve problems. Psychologist Alice Isen proved it: Happiness fuels creativity. A simple gift. A small act of kindness. A few words of encouragement. That’s all it takes for our brains to light up again. Creativity doesn’t come from pressure. It comes from feeling safe, supported, and seen. So here’s a reminder: → Tell someone they did a great job. → Offer kindness instead of criticism. → Be the reason someone feels a little lighter today. Because happy people don’t just smile more, they create more. P.S. Has kindness ever sparked your creativity? (♻️ Repost if it resonated with you.)

I recently came across a post that said: “Stop being the nice girl.” And I couldn’t help but agree. Because what does being nice really do for you? From a young age, many of us are taught that being “nice” is the right thing to do. Saying yes feels natural, while saying no feels like we’ve disappointed someone. But here’s the catch: niceness and kindness aren’t the same. Niceness is about avoiding discomfort Kindness is about creating genuine connection, even when it’s uncomfortable. In the workplace, being “nice” often looks like: over-accommodating avoiding conflict staying quiet when you should speak up We’ve been conditioned to see “niceness” as a virtue, but more often than not, it’s just compliance. Kindness, on the other hand, is intentional. It’s firm, authentic, and sometimes uncomfortable. But it builds trust and respect. And that’s where the real power lies: empathetic yet firm approachable yet confident kind yet assertive Because real strength isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about being kind and assertive! ✌ #KindnessAtWork #MindsetShift #Empowerment #PersonalGrowth

Stop Letting Others Hijack Your Emotions (9 ways to take nothing personally) Many of us allow words to cut deeper than they should. Draining us emotionally and causing: ❌ Stress and negative emotions ❌ Strained relationships ❌ Bad decisions With the right mindset in place, this will stop. Here are 9 ways to take control of your responses (amazing deck from my friend Mike Leber) 1. Assume Positive Intentions ↳ Read it again, but in a kind voice ↳ Assume they don't want to hurt your feelings 2. Reframe ↳ Tell yourself the story from a different perspective ↳ Aim for more positive and constructive 3. Double Down on Empathy ↳ Guess what they might be feeling ↳ Match their tone to that feeling 4. Know Your Triggers ↳ Know exactly what triggers you ↳ Respond mindfully 5. Detach from the Outcome ↳ Let go of the need for a specific outcome ↳ Optimise for your own peace of mind 6. Stay Grounded ↳ Let the emotions cool off ↳ Go back to the facts of the present moment 7. Exercise Self-Compassion ↳ Start by being kind to yourself ↳ Especially when emotions run high 8. Communicate Honestly ↳ Avoid extra damage by communicating openly ↳ Clear communication opens doors 9. Surround Yourself with Support ↳ You have a choice of the people you surround yourself with ↳ Choose people who uplift you, not drain you Words are just vibrations of the air. They only mean things because you allow them to. Use these strategies to take none personally. What's your trick to take nothing personally? Share in the comments below ⬇️ ♻️ Repost to help others regain their freedom. ➕ Follow Miko Pawlikowski 🎙️ for more.

People often tow the part of silence just to maintain peace and not ruffle feathers at home or in the workplace. Many years ago when I was a child, I watched my friend’s family eat dinner in total silence. No one dared speak. His father’s word was final, and his mother pretended everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. Years later, I walked into a workplace that felt exactly the same. People smiled in meetings, nodded at bad ideas, and whispered their frustrations only in corridors. Outwardly, everything looked fine. Inside, everyone was suffocating. That is the cost of silence. It doesn’t shout, it eats away quietly. It destroys trust, kills innovation, and weakens love. Whether at home or at work, silence makes relationships brittle, like glass that can shatter at the slightest touch. Why Do We Pretend Like All Is Well? We pretend because it feels safer. - Safer to agree than to be labeled “difficult, disloyal or rebel.” - Safer to smile than to risk rejection, sidelining or alienated. - Safer to stay quiet than to confront the truth. But silence is never neutral. In families, it breeds resentment. In workplaces, it breeds disengagement. Slowly, people stop caring. Leaders, Listen Up A wise person once said: Leaders who don’t listen will soon be surrounded by people who have nothing to say. Think about it. If every idea is shut down, meanings are read to every comment or action, every concern dismissed, every voice ignored, why would anyone keep speaking up? What you will get is not loyalty, but compliance. Not creativity, but silence. The same happens at home. When children are shut down for asking questions, or spouses are mocked for expressing feelings, love doesn’t disappear instantly, it just goes underground, until one day, it’s gone. Breaking the Silence So how do we fight this culture of pretence? 1. Create safe spaces: At work, ask for honest feedback and mean it. At home, welcome tough conversations without exploding. 2. Model vulnerability: Leaders and parents who admit mistakes make it easier for others to be real. 3. Reward honesty: Celebrate the courage it takes to speak up, even when you don’t agree with the message. 4. Listen actively: Don’t just hear. Show people their voice made an impact. 5. Ask for clarity: Don't assume or read different meaning to people's comments and actions Every time you choose silence over truth, you are teaching others to do the same. Every time you ignore someone’s voice, you are building a culture where voices die. So speak. Listen. Ask. Care. Because in the end, silence doesn’t protect us, it destroys us. But honesty, however uncomfortable, is what keeps both families and workplaces alive.

🔥 Feelings at work aren’t the problem, how we express them can be. Sharing emotions builds trust. Dumping them breaks it. There’s a big difference between being open and offloading on others. When we genuinely share our emotions, we put ourselves in a position to receive both support and suggestions. When we vent our feelings without consideration, we push people away and get stuck with our emotions. Sharing builds trust because people see our human side. This creates connection and commitment to help each other succeed. Offloading our emotions can overwhelm others, blur boundaries, and leave them carrying stress that isn’t theirs. Here’s how this shows up at work: ✅ Sharing emotions is saying, “I need a bit of time today just to regroup.” ❌ Dumping emotions is unloading frustrations and simply complaining. ✅ Sharing is naming how a setback affected you and what you need. ❌ Dumping is venting at length with no space for others to respond. ✅ Sharing allows others to feel like they can do something to help us. ❌ Dumping on others feels like attributing blame and resentment. 💡 The goal is not to hide our feelings, but to express them in ways that mobilise, not paralyse those around us. This week, ask yourself, am I sharing, or am I offloading my emotions? #EmotionalIntelligence #empathy #MentalHealth

Being empathetic as a leader is essential to building trust and loyalty, Your People need know and to Feel like you Care. Therefore we need to dedicate ourselves ti learn how to be better people , so we can be better, more effective leaders. Managers manage money and tasks ; leaders lead people.

45-second guide to get her to respect you again (when she’s cold, shut down, and won’t even look at you): 1)Watch what makes her shut down: her voice goes flat, she won’t look at you, she gives you nothing 2)Pay attention to what you do next: talk more, apologize fast, start explaining your “intentions” 3)Cut all of it. She’s not listening because you’re still trying to be liked 4)Say one clear sentence. Then shut up. Don’t fill the space just to feel in control 5)Stop asking if she’s okay. She’s not. She’s watching if you are. 6)When she throws the attitude, don’t react. Don’t retreat. Don’t break frame 7)Stay like that for 10 days. No chasing. No proving. Just calm, steady pressure This is how her walls drop Not because she feels heard. Because she finally sees the man who doesn’t need her mood to validate his worth. These 5 habits build her wall higher every time: 1)Apologizing just to escape tension 2)Explaining like she’s your boss doing a performance review 3)Asking her to “talk about it” when she clearly doesn’t want to 4)Trying to be the nice guy while resenting her the whole time 5)Needing her warmth to feel like a man How you turn tension into traction, fast: -Open with the wake-up moment: “I used to chase her down every time she got quiet. All it did was push her further.” -Call out the weak dynamic: “She didn’t trust me to lead. She barely trusted me to hold a conversation.” -Show the shift: “I stopped reacting. I stayed calm. I made silence uncomfortable for her, not me.” -Highlight the result: “She came to me. Not with a fight—but with actual softness.” -Deliver the gut punch: “She didn’t need more words. She needed to feel I wasn’t scared of her anymore.” When you make this shift, you unlock all 3 at once: 1-The respect that doesn’t vanish when things get tense 2-The presence she actually responds to (not the performance she tunes out) 3-The attraction that returns without needing to chase, fix, or explain yourself Miss just one of these? You stay stuck in a loop where your effort looks weak, your silence feels like rejection, and nothing actually changes. P.S. If this made something click, my newsletter will do more than that. Join now and I’ll send you a 🎁:https://lnkd.in/eRkjs4VK

Building Self-Confidence (Beyond Duty) My turning point with confidence began with something as simple as wearing spects. Because of my sight issues, I told myself: “I will start from here, people won’t be able to look me straight in the eye, so I can talk more easily.” That tiny anchor gave me the courage to start. And here’s what I’ve realized since: building self-confidence isn’t about waiting to feel 100% ready. It’s about finding starting points and using practical tools daily. Some tools that have helped me (and can help other firstborns) build confidence beyond duty: 1. Find an Anchor. Your anchor is something tangible that gives you courage. For me, it was spects. For you, it could be: 📍Journaling before a presentation to collect your thoughts. 📍A short affirmation whispered before entering a room: “I belong here.” 📍A symbolic item like a pen, a bracelet, or even a notebook that reminds you to show up. 👉🏽 Anchors create a sense of grounding in moments where fear wants to take over. 2. Develop Emotional Intelligence. Confidence isn’t about speaking the loudest—it’s about showing up with awareness. 📍Self-awareness: Notice your triggers. Do you shrink when eyes are on you? Or when you fear mistakes? Naming it helps tame it. 📍Self-regulation: Pause, breathe, and choose your response instead of reacting to fear. 📍Empathy: Listening actively can boost confidence. It shifts focus from “Am I enough?” to “How can I serve in this moment?” 3. Reframe Mistakes. Firstborns often fear mistakes because we are used to being the example. But here’s the truth: 📍A mistake is not failure—it’s feedback. 📍A stumble in public doesn’t erase your ability, it sharpens it. 📍Every confident person you admire has a history of “getting it wrong” first. 👉🏽 Start asking: “What did this teach me?” instead of “What will they think of me?” 4. Practice Choice, Not Just Duty. At home, we often had no choice—we had to show up. But to build real self-confidence, practice stepping up voluntarily: 📍Offer to lead a prayer, even if someone else could. 📍Ask a question in a meeting, not because you must, but because you want clarity. 📍Share a post online—not because you’re obligated, but because you choose to express yourself. 👉🏽 Confidence grows in moments when you show up by choice, not by compulsion. For me, some mantras keep me moving: “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” "How you show up matters." They remind me that opportunities often come to those who dare to ask, speak, and show up—even imperfectly. So start with an anchor, grow emotional intelligence, reframe your mistakes, and practice choice. Confidence is not built in one day—it’s built in everyday moments of daring. Over to you, What has been your “anchor” in moments when confidence felt far away? Care for a conversation, Whatsapp 0779100156. #FirstbornDiaries #ConfidenceJourney #EmotionalIntelligence #Authenticity