3 Things We Learned

by Joshua White

For over 15 years, we’ve worked closely with colleges and universities to help prevent and end violence against women on campuses. 

This April, we re-launched our "Don’t Be That Guy" video PSA, adapted from a PSA released in Scotland, for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It features three men re-assessing some of their behavior toward women. “Most men won’t look in the mirror and see the problem,” they say. “But it’s staring us right in the face. It’s you. It’s me. It’s us. Sexual violence starts long before you think it does. Don’t be that guy.”

Over 500,000 people have viewed it since we first launched it last year, but we wanted more people to see it, think about it and engage with it. That’s why we launched a TikTok “Tiny Mic” Campaign to expand the ideas around the PSA. We enlisted dozens of men to roam their college campuses and interview students about what masculinity means, how it shows up and what they think their role is in ending violence against women. Additionally, we asked men everywhere to sign our “Don’t be that Guy” pledge that commits them to think deeper about how their actions toward women might be perceived as toxic or dangerous.

Here’s what we learned from over 60 interviews.

 1.  There are multiple sides to the masculinity coin

Many college-aged men see masculinity as having positive, negative, and neutral aspects. They recognize behaviors traditionally seen as masculine such as strong and in control could be both damaging or helpful depending on the context. These views suggest a growing awareness and understanding of evolving gender norms and expression. Participants acknowledged that some expectations around masculinity can be limiting or hurtful, especially when it pressures people to conform to stereotypes. Sometimes someone expresses more aggression and/or disrespect in an effort to appear “more masculine.”  They cited the pressures of performative masculinity or manhood and even shared that masculinity can push you to be emotionless or stoic.

2.  The protector-provider archetype persists 

Despite more modern views on masculinity, the archetype of the protector and provider remains strong and well. Even though responses to our question of “What are characteristics of a man you respect?” often included adjectives such as caring and nurturing, the responses also included the stereotypical ideas around men as the protectors and providers of their families.

This is not in and of itself bad but it can set men up to feel inferior, weak, and inadequate if/when those high (sometimes unattainable) ideals are not met. Because of this, the interviewees recognize the importance of peer-to-peer support and promoting a more expansive view of masculinity, one that doesn’t “call out” friends when they are displaying damaging, sexist, and abusive behavior but rather “calls them in” to a healthier understanding and way of being.

3. Change is hard but there’s hope

Though college men want a masculinity that allows them to be their authentic, multi-dimensional selves, that’s not easy in a society that often reinforces a masculinity that can be violent and degrading. We wonder: Who is benefitting from such rigidity and lack of permission for these men to be who they are without the baggage of society dictating what they can be? Throughout the “Don’t Be That Guy” campaign, many young men expressed frustration with rhetoric that may be perceived as indicting of who they are. Rightly so, men do not want to be  characterized as “toxic” or violent.

Our work continues to illuminate masculinity's complexity and young men's evolving attitudes. By amplifying their voices, we hope to continue fostering discussions and education. Healthier, safer, and more respectful communities on and off campus are in our grasp.

Visit our TikTok page @FuturesWithoutViolence to see the campaign and please pledge to be part of the solution at MenCanStopViolence.org.