Is It All About You?

I was travelling on a train a few days ago. It was crowded and I noticed a woman standing up to the left of me. She looked a little on the plump side and somewhat uncomfortable. But as she was not facing me, I couldn't see if she was pregnant or just... naturally rotund.

I recall that she looked, at one stage in my general direction, and in hindsight now I realise she was probably looking at me because I had looked at her and she was hoping that I was trying to get her attention to enquire if she wanted my seat.

Unfortunately, our eyes never met, and it wasn't until several stops later when she sat down opposite but slightly to the left of me (immediately someone vacated the seat) that I saw the badge on her coat signifying that she was indeed pregnant.

I could have kicked myself because I hadn't made sufficient effort to ascertain if my initial thoughts were correct.

Partly I guess it was because I was on a very busy train and I was occupying a seat nearest to the window and would have had to have drawn attention to myself, which I was a bit reluctant to do at the time.

I can still be a bit shy sometimes, preferring not to do or say anything which elicits the attention of others unless it's necessary.

...Unless it's necessary!

I thought about that for a bit.

A woman was pregnant and needed to sit down, probably quite desperately.

Okay, it's true that I wasn't sure she was pregnant, and I didn't want to make an assumption that could have turned out to be a little embarrassing.

Had I done so though, what harm would have ensued? I would simply have asked her if she wanted a seat. I wouldn't have had to go into whether she was pregnant or not.

Why then would it have been in any way embarrassing, and why was I so hesitant to ask the question?

And okay, it wasn't a necessary for me I could have happily remained sitting down (in fact that's what I did) but it was evidently very necessary for her, given her pregnant state.

So, my failure to ask her if she wanted a seat, was really much more about my discomfort in going out of my way to attract her attention, and by default the attention of other people, than anything else.

Why was I so worried or uncomfortable about going a little bit out of my way to help another person in or at their time of need?

In truth I am still processing exactly what that was about, but in doing so I have to acknowledge it's something to do with discomfort and fear.

My comfort and or fear of discomfort in those moments on the train, meant more to me than going out of my way to alleviate the discomfort of someone else, who clearly needed a seat more than I did.

That realisation didn't leave me with good feelings about myself. My reasons for not going a little out of my way to get her attention were really excuses, nothing more and nothing less!

Alright, so sure I know I was being a bit selfish, aren't most people like that every day and most of their lives?

So, what was the big deal?

For me the big deal is although most people are selfish, that's their decision and their standard.

I wanted to see myself living to a higher standard that was not driven by my selfishness, fears or discomfort. Because I know that selfishness has consequences that most people never wish to consider, but which frequently impacts negatively on their lives and the lives of others.

If you're observant you will see selfishness all around you by drivers on the road, or people hogging seats on a bus or a train as though no one else exists but them. The issue is that this same selfishness tends to show up in all areas of our lives with disastrous consequences.

It shows up very much in the important relationships in our lives, with our partners, our children, siblings, friends and work colleagues and of course if you take the time to think about it, it will show up in the written and verbal evidence you give at court.

Briefly stated if you are lacking in empathy, you are likely to experience difficulty seeing things from other points of view and of seeing the whole picture and this jeopardises your chances of doing well at court.

Seeing things from only one angle, or through a specific lens that does not take into account how other's think, feel or experience events is never really going to be helpful to you in court or anywhere else.

The inability to show or act empathically frequently results in conflict and in blaming or criticising others, rather than seeking to understand them. Censuring others is never a tactic that either helps to improve the conflict or presents you in a favourable light.

Any and every person can criticise and blame others, it takes patience, care and a willingness to listen to, understand and see things from another's viewpoint that sets you up as being a credible witness and miles ahead of others who give evidence at court.

In addition, having the capacity to think about others and not about your own comfort continually is what establishes you as a better person, who thinks better thoughts, develops better relationships, has a better life and helps to make the world a better, less selfish place.

If you think about it all the problems in the world really stem from a lack of empathy. My thoughts about my experience on the train I think have taught me a valuable lesson. If I want the world to be a better place, I have to be better and not value my comfort so highly.