The Big No-No’s to avoid when building a positive relationship with the students. Volume 4

On this last volume about the big no-no’s to avoid in class, I want to highlight one, if not the most important issue we need to take into account. We’ll discuss trust and promises as the key pillars of positive relationships.

Break their trust

TRUST itself is one of the most important words when we are building any relationship. However, it becomes even more important when we are talking about teenagers in MS or HS. At that age, students highly value those people they can trust, who they know are not going to fail them, and who they know they can be vulnerable with. This is important because, at that age, they are navigating this identity crisis where they are very conscious about themselves and what others may think about them.

Does it mean you need to be their best friend, or keep what they tell you to yourself and never share it? Of course not. We have a duty of care, and first things first, the safety of our kids. With this in mind, now you can build that trust with them. And knowing this is important, not only for you but also for them. Be extremely clear when discussing with them that you have to report and disclose any information you get from them if it involves the safety of someone.

Why is this important? Because under any circumstance, you cannot break their trust.

This means that you need to explain to them what you have to report, give them examples, and tell them how you can help them. Make sure you mention all the available resources your school has for them to address personal issues. Encouraging them to use these specialists and the staff designated for these matters will give them a more professional approach with more resources. That way, finding solutions to their issues will be easier.

However, we know that sometimes students are closer to us as teachers, mentors, or coaches, because they spend more time with us, and that helps build trust. If they insist on you being the one to be there for them, make sure you clearly explain what you have to disclose and report, and what topics are safe to discuss for both of you. Always, in the best interest of the students and yourself, keep it professional, follow school procedures, and make sure your duty of care and their safeguarding are your top priorities.

When those details are clear, and they know what to expect, then within those boundaries you should never break any promise or the trust they have placed in you. Having a trusted adult at school is huge for students, but it is also about keeping them safe. It is essential that you protect and look after that trust. That is why it matters so much that they understand where the limits are. Once that is established, trust cannot be broken under any circumstances. You cannot lie to them, you cannot make promises you cannot keep, and most importantly, you should never share any conversation or detail they have told you in confidence if they have asked you not to, except, of course, when safety is involved, as mentioned before.

If students are putting their trust in you, that’s a huge thing. Blowing that trust is worse than not having it in the first place. If you do that, that is the relationship over,  and honestly, I cannot see an easy fix (or even a difficult one) for that. Building a positive relationship with them is key. Having their trust is a treasure, but blowing it up is the worst thing you can do to a student who trusts you.

Not Greeting Students Around the School

Why are you so mean? One of the best things about being a teacher is walking around the school and saying hello! “Good morning, bananas!” “Hola caracola!” or any friendly greeting that’s your signature. But even if you’re not as quirky as I am, greeting people when you see them is just the polite thing to do.

I remember arriving at my previous school and seeing the same kids every day in the same spot. I’d pass by, dramatically saying “Good morning!” followed by every single one of their names. It became a tradition that always put a smile on my face and set me up for the day in a great mood. They loved this tradition too, and we always started the day with a good laugh and high fives.

Imagine going to work every day and the people you see daily, those you work with, don’t even say hi to you. I don’t have to imagine. I had a colleague who, every single day, wouldn’t respond to my “Good morning!” I hated it. It certainly didn’t make me want to be around him, let alone build a friendship.

That’s exactly how kids feel when they see their teachers, the ones they look up to, the ones they love, and those teachers don’t respond with a smile, a joke, or a friendly greeting. It makes them feel bad, neglected, and disappointed. It sends the message: “I don’t care about you.” And that’s the worst thing you can do when trying to build a relationship.

I know it’s common sense, but even on our busiest days, when we’re rushing from class to meetings or duty, we need to have that smile and greeting ready for them. If they’re primary schoolers or the youngest middle schoolers, you might have just made someone quite sad.

Funny enough, that colleague who never said good morning back? He’s now one of my best friends and one of the sweetest people you could meet. Don’t forget, people who put up a cold wall are often the most vulnerable. Still, not greeting people you have any relationship with is disrespectful and won’t help when trying to build a positive connection. We can’t afford to do that with our students. My friend is a rare exception, but in most cases, it’s crucial to make sure we take care of our students as we move around the school. Believe it or not, they notice.

Not Knowing Their Names

I will start by confessing that this is the most difficult for me, and it is very tricky, because you have a test every day, and a pop quiz can come any time, any minute. It does not matter how long you’ve known them, they expect you to know. Believe me, the older you get, the harder it becomes. To be honest, it makes perfect sense. Imagine if someone didn’t remember your name. How much do you think that person values you? Probably you will think that not much, won´t you?

And I agree with you, I’m sure you have a better memory than I do, and you don’t forget as easily as I do. Now, find more excuses if you please. Some of us work at international schools or overseas with languages and names completely different from the ones we’re used to. Let me tell you the bad news: they don’t care, and it does not matter. So yes, the first thing you have to do, no matter how difficult it is, is learn their names. Good luck with that, I feel you. I’ve had those rough moments where you’re caught and there’s nothing you can do. Worst feeling ever. How bad of a teacher am I?

New students seeing you not long after you met them around the school? If you’re like me, the best move is to find a way where saying their name isn't necessary just yet. If not, well, you’re cooked. My students say this all the time, and by now it sounds totally normal to me. It even makes sense. Still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, though.

Now for the real advice. Print their photos and names as soon as you can, if your school rules allow it, or use your school system. Try to spend the first couple of weeks putting in the work. It really makes a difference. What works best for me is setting up a seating plan and using it to call out their names during the first lessons. That actually helps me learn their names pretty fast, although I do forget them just as fast, too.

The trick is that at the beginning, you know the name of the place, not really the name of the student. Then you see their faces outside all together, and sweat comes in, of course, you can’t tell the difference just yet. Eventually, you will learn all of them, although one or two will be tricky to remember somehow. On the other hand, there are some names you will learn the very first day, and you will never forget them. If you know, you know.

It comes in handy, though, unfortunately, you will be using the names of those characters that you learn the very first day, several times during the years. The chosen ones. Oh yeah, you will never forget those names. And probably, you will never name one of your own kids those names either, just in case.

As difficult as it is, and as unfair as it may seem in some situations, it is a fact that if you don’t know their names, your relationship with them will take a hit. Same if you forget them or take too long to learn them, the toll on the relationship you are building will be high.

And when you think you know them, then comes October break or Christmas. When you’re back, oh oh! Where did I put that damn list? I’m telling you, this year I have four students in the class with the same name, just changing one letter in each name, all new students for me, all in the same class, and all expecting me to know who is who by the end of day one. Maybe day one is a bit much, but their demands are legit.

Forget something important that they shared with you

You’d be safer forgetting your partner’s anniversary date. Oh my God, these creatures never forget a single detail they’ve shared with you, no matter how small. And here comes a big correction: there is nothing small for them.

Here’s the thing. You are a key person in their lives. If you don’t give importance to the little things (which, for them, are actually huge), they’ll never share the big things. And that becomes a real problem, not just for you as a teacher, but also for their families.

Whether we like it or not, we do make an impact on how kids see themselves in life. If we, as their adults, listen to them, show that their voice matters, and prove that we remember what they tell us, they’ll keep sharing the things that matter to them. And the older they get, the more significant those things become.

I know what you're thinking, and I hear you. You can’t remember what you had for breakfast or where anything is at home. My wife would back you up on that one. But that’s not an excuse. When there is a will, there is a way. These days, there are so many ways to set reminders or alarms, and trust me, they help. If a little kid tells you that Thursday is his birthday and he’s going to Shake Shack to eat his favourite burger, you better remember to say happy birthday and ask him about it that day.

If a Grade 7 girl tells you she’s super excited about her horse riding competition on Sunday, then Monday morning, you ask her how it went and if she had fun. If you forget, like in a thousand similar moments you’ll face in your teaching career, you’re basically telling them: you know what, that’s not important to me, and I don’t care. And that’s a terrible thing to say, because we teachers care. We really do.

Indeed, little Timmy’s rugby game might not be as important to you as it is to Timmy. But how Timmy feels, and how you make him feel, that’s crucial if you want to build a strong relationship with him.

So yes, do the work. Set alarms, make to-do lists, stick notes on your fridge, ask your partner to remind you, or get an AI assistant to help. Whatever works for you. Just don’t forget those little things, because for them, they’re not little at all. Remembering tells them that you listen, that they matter, and most importantly, that you care. And that’s exactly what they need to know. That’s how you build a relationship.