Circling Back to The Man

So I visited a good friend of mine who just hit the fourth floor, and got the double whammy of job loss and divorce. And he also lost his dear sister while in the midst of doing his clearance at work. Of course, the conversation with him took me back to some dark ugly spaces that experienced me, but only this time I had a torch, a mukwaju and a mental memory of the labyrinth. It also felt good to call another grownup ‘young man’ and not receive a nasty backlash, by virtue of my experience capital. Isn’t it interesting how difficult times make philosophers of men, how darkness doesn’t faze you when you’ve learnt to feel your way around it, how the best shopping lists are made deep in the annals of brokenness and brokenness? 

Not to be biased against the ladies, but there are far too many men in pain out here who are not making a sound in their quiet throes of death. Also, what do I know about being a woman in distress? Anyway, young man… 

1. Do the dishes as you cook. 

Drink tea, wash the cup. Done with ugali? Clean the tin. Nothing is as demoralizing as bundled, dirty dishes. Clean dishes inspire one to cook. Even your resident chef appreciates this. You'll be eating twice a week and spending a fortune on outside food if you don't do dishes. Or if you can’t cook for that matter. My mother always told me, a man worthy of his salt must be able to cook and feed himself. Should be the same with nations and food security. But that's for another day.

2. Embrace general cleanliness.

It's not a dead rat. It's you; just shower! At least once a day. Spare a day to do laundry, organize your living room. Your house is your sanctuary. Get a laundry basket, throw work clothes there. Your past and present mates did you and humanity a great disservice by not pointing out your halitosis; it’s real. And its curable. Otherwise she will continue making excuses so as not to kiss you. Feet sweat rather badly, especially in the tropics; you cannot rewind socks, vests and underwear. This is not up for discussion. You can smell a goat pen from a mile away because it houses goats. Clean up as soon as you spill up. For heaven’s sake, take the trash out! It's the simple things done consistently.

3. Keep your neighbors at arm's length. 

Say hi, be courteous, but let it end out there. Familiarity breeds contempt. Few people understand the concept of boundaries. Arm’s length is a good length. Nobody has to know everything; life is not a kindergarten playground. Be private. Maintain control over your environment. Learn to enjoy the sound of your footsteps as you walk away from things not meant for you.

4. Talk to yourself.

Some of you are afraid of looking like lunatics to your neighbors. Talk to yourself! Engage your mind verbally. It eases the periodic loneliness and eases mental pressure. In my periodic visits to the village, I always hear the resident drunk from a mile away in the small of the night as he finds his way home. His self-conversations warn off potential robbers, and are a real-time tracking device for his loved ones. Throw in a bass here and there in that mancave of yours. Laugh out of nowhere. It's good for your mind. And for your breath.

5. Limit the invites.

Know who to invite, and when. Your house is your monastery and sanctuary, your safe space, your bunker. If you must invite someone, it should be because they bring value. You sacrifice something by having them there. They should know it's a privilege. You won’t go far by inviting every person you greet. Your wisdom lies in looking for and finding someone with an itchy back. And before you call them gold-diggers, own some gold.

6. Respect yourself, neighbors, and the property.  

Being brokenhearted or desolate is no reason to become a public nuisance and resident lunatic. Play music at a reasonable sound, everyone has a radio. If you have a pet, train it. If you smoke, do it in your house. It's the simple things man. At my lowest, my landlord let me stay in his house for 9 months sans rent. Respect.

7. Shop in bulk.

I spared my Friday mornings to go to the market when I could. I tried Saturdays but realized too many of us think alike. I would buy a week's worth of green tomatoes, onions and all groceries. Ask those aunties and female cousins where they buy stuff in wholesale. There is no shame in chasing good deals. Save money, save yourself. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Not now, not in future.

8. Exercise.

Join a local football team in the evenings for exercise, or join a local gym. That's where you build a local network; they will come in handy. Or run, jog, or walk. Get on the move. You will get home tired and ready to sleep. Shower, eat, sleep. Insomnia will not come near you. And your internal wellness metre will thank you into the future. Keep moving. You cannot have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage work ethic. 

9. Journal

A diary? A notebook? A voice recorder? Whatever it is, put your record on it. Even vaccines carry amounts of the disease. Your current pain would be a terrible thing to waste.

10. Perspective.

Sometimes you deserve better, so life keeps blocking the undeserving opportunities. Sometimes you need to learn more, so life keeps you in the same class for long. Sometimes you need to expand your circles, so life keeps reducing familiar faces. It is hard to understand enough when you have a lot. But it’s inevitable that sometimes you’ll be the pigeon, and other times you’ll be the stature. Find a way to manage either disposition in your stride.

Bottom line? For it to mean something and leave a mark, life was never meant to be smooth. It’s the cuts, the grooves, the attrition that engraves our presence as having been here; our scars bear distinct reminder of battles fought, of wars won and lost, of pain endured while grit forged itself in us and for us. Of what purpose is a smooth tyre, and where can it take you?

But bear in mind that mice die in mousetraps because they can’t understand why the cheese is free. And no one cares about your story until you win. So win!

We could all do with a phase in life that enables you to sieve the trash, to understand who your true friends are, to see people’s true colours. Why are you consistently the go-to person for people that you cannot go to when in need? You can still live successfully as a single man in repair. Or even healed and whole. Life cast lots, and the battle picked a rod with your name on it; own the success too when it comes. Personalize it. Welcome to the other side.