The Courage of Vulnerability

When people hear the word courage, they usually think of extreme acts. Charging into battle. Running into burning buildings. Stepping into a ring with someone who looks like they could crush concrete with their bare hands. I’ve done that last one—and yeah, people called me courageous for it.

But let’s be honest: that wasn’t always the hardest thing I’ve done. Not by a long shot.

For me, one of the toughest things has been allowing myself to be vulnerable. Not in the ring—but in life. Being open. Admitting pain. Expressing doubt. Sharing personal truths in my writing and in my relationships. That kind of exposure? That’s a different level of risk.

And here’s the paradox: we talk about courage like it’s about confronting external threats, but some of the most powerful acts of courage are internal. Quiet. Unseen. The kind that demands you lean into discomfort rather than dodge it.

Vulnerability scares people. And for good reason. If you’ve been hurt before—if trust has ever been weaponized against you—then putting your thoughts, needs, or feelings out there can feel like walking into gunfire without armor. That fear is real. It lives in the body and the brain.

But here’s the thing: courage only exists where there’s risk. If there’s no threat, there’s no need to be brave. And for many of us, vulnerability is the threat. So, when you show up anyway? That’s courage.

And when you don’t? When you let fear steer the wheel?

That’s not judgment. That’s just data.

Let’s walk through this using the Behavior Alignment Compass, with Courage as our core value.

Private Events

Vulnerability often begins here—with private events. The thoughts, feelings, and memories that say: “They won’t understand.” “What if they leave?” “I’ll look weak.” “Last time I opened up, it backfired.”

These internal signals activate powerful escape behaviors.

Escape Behaviors

• Avoiding difficult conversations
• Withholding your truth
• Changing the subject
• Keeping people at a distance
• Leading with control instead of connection

These behaviors aren’t random—they serve a function. They reduce discomfort. But they also reinforce disconnection. They keep you stuck.

And they’re the opposite of courage.

As famed boxing trainer Cus D’Amato put it:

“The hero and the coward both feel the same. But it’s what the hero does that makes him different.”

Feel the fear. Take the shot anyway. That’s courage.

Pinpointed Replacement Behaviors

Here’s what courage looks like in behavior:

• Saying “I need to talk about something”
• Naming your feelings out loud—even if they tremble
• Telling the truth when lying would be easier
• Owning your mistakes without hiding behind defensiveness
• Asking for feedback before you're ready to hear it

These are behaviors that move you toward your values-driven goals.

Goals & Accomplishments

If your goal is to lead authentically, vulnerability builds trust. If your goal is to deepen a relationship, vulnerability builds intimacy. If your goal is to grow as a human being, vulnerability builds capacity.

The rewards of vulnerability? Real connection Mutual respect Psychological safety Relief from the exhausting performance of perfection

Of course, this isn’t just theory. The science is real—but so are the people behind it. Let me show you what this looks like in the real world.

Story 1: A Leader’s Vulnerability

Take Melissa, a school principal I coached. She had strong systems in place, high test scores, and a reputation for being tough but effective. But something was off—staff turnover was high, and her leadership team felt disengaged.

In one session, I asked her, “Have you ever let your staff see who you really are—not just as their boss, but as a human being?”

She paused. Then said, “I don’t think they’d respect me if I showed weakness.”

We practiced. She didn’t have to overshare—just be real.

That Friday, she stood in front of her staff and said:

“I know I come across as having it all together, but I want to be honest. This year has been hard for me. Personally and professionally. I don’t always have the answers. I need this to be a space where we can all support each other—including me.”

The room went silent. Then came the nods. Then the tears. That moment became a turning point. Staff said they felt seen for the first time. People stepped up—not out of compliance, but commitment. Turnover dropped. Collaboration increased. Her vulnerability didn’t erode her authority—it strengthened her credibility.

Courage created connection. And that connection built trust—the currency of leadership.

Now let’s take it out of the workplace and into something even more personal: relationships.

Story 2: Vulnerability in a Struggling Relationship

Marcus had been with his partner for years, but the relationship had grown strained. Every conversation felt like a landmine. They danced around issues, hoping they'd just go away. He reached out for coaching, convinced he needed to “do more” to fix things—plan more dates, say the right words, be more agreeable.

But something was missing. Authenticity.

Eventually, I asked him, “Have you told her what’s really going on inside? Not just what you think she wants to hear?”

He looked down. “I’m scared she’ll leave.”

But the truth? Avoiding vulnerability was already pushing them apart.

He decided to take the risk. He sat her down and said:

“I’ve been trying to protect this relationship by not bringing things up. But I realize I’ve been hiding. The truth is, I feel distant from you. And it hurts. I miss feeling like we’re a team. I don’t know what the next step is—but I want to figure it out together.”

That cracked something open. She admitted she felt the same. That conversation didn’t fix everything, but it disrupted the avoidance loop. It marked the beginning of honest, if sometimes messy, repair.

And that’s the thing about courageous vulnerability—it doesn’t guarantee comfort, but it does create movement.

The Real Risk

Yes, vulnerability carries risk. People might misunderstand. They might not respond the way you hope. But the greater risk is what happens if you don’t.

You risk becoming a version of yourself no one really knows. You risk leading without being followed. You risk relationships that feel safe but shallow.

And maybe the biggest risk? You drift further from who you say you want to be.

So, What Are You Really Risking… If You Stay True to Your Values?

Values aren’t just abstract ideals. They’re directional. They guide how we show up, how we lead, how we love, how we live. If courage is one of your core values—like it is for me—then the question isn’t whether to be vulnerable.

The question is: Will I behave in a way that aligns with who I want to be?

That’s the only way you become your own hero.

Specializing in human performance, coaching, and organizational leadership, Dr. Paul "Paulie" Gavoni is a behavior scientist and educator who has worked across education and human services for almost three decades. In this capacity, he has served the needs of children and adults through various positions, including COO, Vice President, Director of School Improvement, Leadership Director, Professor, Assistant Principal, School Turnaround Manager, Clinical Coordinator, Therapist, District Behavior Analyst, and Director of Progam Development and Public Relations at PCMA. As founder of Heart & Science International and Co-founder of The Behavioral Toolbox, Dr. Gavoni is passionate about applying Organizational Behavior Management (OBM), or the science of human behavior, to make a positive difference in establishing safe, productive, and engaging environments that bring out the best in faculty and staff so they can bring out the best in the learners they serve. He is an active board member of the Opioid Awareness Foundation and World Behavior Analysis Day Alliance.

Known for his authenticity and practical approaches, Dr. Gavoni is the host of the Top 1.5% globally ranked Crisis in Education Podcast and a sought-out speaker at various Educational and Behavior Analytic Conferences Internationally. He a the Wall Street Journal and USA Today best-selling co-author of The Scientific Laws of Life & Leadership: Behavioral Karma; Quick Wins! Accelerating School Transformation through Science, Engagement, and Leadership; Deliberate Coaching: A Toolbox for Accelerating Teacher Performance; and MMA Science: A Training, Coaching, and Belt Ranking Guide. Dr. Gavoni is proud to introduce OBM and Applied Behavior Analysis to worldwide audiences through his numerous publications and his work with PCMA to create productive, safe, and positive cultures.

Beyond his work in education and human services, Dr. Gavoni is also a former Golden Gloves Heavyweight Champion and a highly respected striking coach in combat sports. Coach “Paulie Gloves,” as he is known in the Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) community, has trained world champions and UFC vets using technologies rooted in the behavioral sciences. Coach Paulie has been featured in the books Beast: Blood, Struggle, and Dreams a the Heart of Mixed Martial Arts, A Fighter’s Way, and the featured article Ring to Cage: How four former boxers help mold MMA’s finest. He is also an author who has written extensively for various online magazines such as Scifighting, Last Word on Sports, and Bloody Elbow, where his Fight Science series continues to bring behavioral science to MMA. Finally, Paulie was also a featured fighter in FX’s highest-rated show at the time, The Toughman, and as an MMA coach in the Lifetime reality series Leave it to Geege.

Disclaimer: All ideas presented are original to the author. ChatGPT has been used solely to enhance the reading experience.