The Hidden Cost of Snap Judgments (And How to Fix It)

For several years, I taught an intensive five-day, fifty-hour course on “Interpersonal Communication.” It ran from Wednesday to Sunday, 2 to 12 pm each day. It was a demanding and powerful program that changed people’s lives – personally and professionally.  

It was also extremely popular, with a three-year waiting list to get into the class. Which made it all the more frustrating when someone showed up who clearly didn’t want to be there.

That’s how I felt about Steve.

He was in his 20’s, built like a linebacker, and seemed to fit every stereotype I had of an arrogant jock. He sat back with his arms crossed, didn’t engage in this highly interactive experience, and looked like he thought the whole class was beneath him.

In my head, I was thinking: Come on, Steve. I’m giving everything I’ve got to this course. Either get involved or give your seat to someone who actually wants to be here.

But on day four, everything changed.

Steve finally spoke. He shared how, as a kid, he had been the weakest, puniest boy in school—suffering from a disease that stunted his growth and atrophied his muscles. He was bullied relentlessly. So he started lifting weights. Two hours a day. Every day. For years.

He got strong. He got big. But in the process, he had very little time to build relationships or confidence in social settings. He wasn’t aloof. He was shy. And he came to my class hoping to learn how to connect with people—he just didn’t know how.

I was stunned. I had completely misread him and dismissed him. 

And what was the hidden cost of my snap judgment? The potential loss of one of my best friends. Steve and I became friends and colleagues, a personal and professional relationship that has lasted more than 20 years.

That day I learned a lesson I’ve had to learn more than once: We seldom know the whole story. So we must exercise caution when judging others.

► Takeaway #1: Judgment is easy. Understanding takes effort.

It’s so tempting to make snap judgments. They’re quick, they’re tidy, and they don’t require much of us. But they’re often wrong—or at least incomplete. And they can quickly derail any connection.

Understanding, on the other hand, takes skill. It requires skills in communication, listening, and question asking.  Skills that you may have never been taught. It requires curiosity and humility. It takes a willingness to admit you don’t know everything. And it takes the discipline to learn before labeling.

Patrick Skowron learned those understanding skills at my Journey-to-the- Extraordinary experience and sent me this follow-up note. He wrote:  

“Over the years of I’ve attended many motivational seminars by some well-known and not-so-well-known speakers.  But your ‘Journey’ pulled it all together and took me to a much higher level of understanding.  This has enabled me to really go after my goals … in a successful, well-planned way … using a methodology I never knew existed.

“I am amazed and impressed with all the tools I acquired at the ‘Journey’ and somewhat saddened by all the details left out of all the other programs I’ve attended. But those little details on how the mind works and how you can guarantee your goal achievement have made a Significant Difference in my life and work.

“I am so glad and thankful I met Dr. Zimmerman.  Everyone in the ‘Journey’ left with a higher level of understanding … a level which few people ever experience in their lifetime!  Even though times are difficult, it makes more sense to attend the ‘Journey’ now than ever before.  In addition to being a lot of fun, mentally stimulating and very real, this program will change your LIFE!”

My next Journey program will be October 9-10, 2025, live and virtual so you can attend from anywhere. Or even anytime, because I will send you the recordings of both full days of training.

Register in August and save hundreds of dollars.

► Takeaway #2: When you get the full story, respect can grow.

Just when I thought I had learned my lesson with Steve, along came Norma.

She walked into my class, about 5 foot 2 and obviously obese. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my brain went straight to judgment: Take care of yourself. Get some exercise.

Then Norma spoke up in one of our class exercises on self-esteem. She said, “I feel so good about myself. Last year I weighed 298, and now I’m down to 249.”

Boom. My shallow judgment was shattered. My understanding grew. Instead of seeing a problem, I saw progress. Instead of frustration, I felt respect.

► Takeaway #3: Understanding opens the door to better relationships and less stress.

Over the years, I’ve discovered something simple but profound: The more I understand people, the less frustrated I feel. The more I dig into someone’s story, the more compassion and connection I experience.

That doesn’t mean I always agree with everyone. But I don’t have to. Understanding isn’t the same as agreement. It’s about creating space for others to be fully human—flawed, complex, and worthy of grace.

And when I do that, I show up better as a teacher, a leader, a spouse, a parent, a friend. And frankly, I sleep better too.

► Your Challenge This Week:

Let’s make this personal. I invite you to do something simple but powerful.

1. Think of two people you tend to judge negatively—maybe someone at work, in your family, or even on the news.
2. Spend 5 minutes trying to understand each of them better. You can talk to them directly, ask a question, or reflect on what might be driving their behavior.
3. Hold back judgment and just observe how you feel when you approach them with understanding instead of assumptions.

You don’t have to like what you learn. You don’t have to agree. Just understand.

Then see what happens—to your attitude, your stress levels, and your relationships. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Bottom line: The best relationships—and the most peaceful lives—are built on understanding, not judgment. So this week, exercise caution in your judgment… but never in your understanding.

Warmly, Dr. Alan Zimmerman Author, Speaker, Encourager www.DrZimmerman.com

Dr. Zimmerman's Tuesday Tip Issue 1307 [Tuesday Tip] The Hidden Cost of Snap Judgments (And How to Fix It)

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