Holding Space for Hurting Students (and Parents)

This morning, I had one of those moments that reminds you this work is about so much more than behavior or attendance.

As a Dean of Attendance, I often interact with students who are struggling—sometimes with showing up, sometimes with choices they’re making in and out of school. Today, one of those students reminded me just how often anger is actually grief in disguise.

She was having a tough morning and made a poor choice—one of many lately. And when I called home, her mother picked up. What followed was a flood of emotion—frustration, sadness, fear. She wanted to help her daughter, but felt shut out. Her daughter was lashing out. Angry. Distant. Making impulsive choices. Her mother was desperate to understand and exhausted from trying.

I let her speak. I held space. And then I followed up with an email—not as a therapist, but as someone who’s walked with grief and who works daily with young people who often don’t yet have the language to name what they’re feeling.

Here’s some of what I shared, and I offer it here in case it helps another educator who might be navigating a similar moment:

What I Shared with the Parent:

“I work a lot in the grief space outside of school. I’m not a counselor or therapist—just an adult who struggles with the loss of my own mom—and I’ve learned that grief in teens can often look like anger, defiance, or pulling away. Much of her frustration may actually be deep sadness and a loss of control she doesn’t know how to express.”

“Grieving teens often lash out at the parent they feel safest with. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong—it means she still sees you as home, even when she’s hurting.”

Actionable Support I Offered (and You Can, Too):

Normalize the Emotional Storm

• Let both student and parent know: anger, withdrawal, and mood swings can be grief.

• When teens feel overwhelmed, they often can’t say “I’m sad” — so it comes out sideways.

Offer Non-Judgmental Conversations

• I encouraged the mom to try: “I can see you’re struggling, and I want to support you. I don’t need you to fix anything—I just want to understand what’s going on underneath.”

Share Accessible Resources

I provided the following to her:

• GriefSucks.com – a website by and for grieving teens, full of honest, relatable content.

• Get Griefy Magazine – a creative zine I help run, full of art, writing, and real stories about grief. Something teens can flip through privately, at their own pace.

Encourage Creative Expression

• Writing. Drawing. Music. Movement. Even journaling or dancing alone in a room. These are grief outlets.

• I reminded her that expression doesn’t always require words. Give the student space to feel, without needing her to explain it.

Be a Trusted, Neutral Adult

• I let the mom know I was happy to be a non-judgmental adult her daughter could check in with, without expectations.

• Many students just need to know someone is there—consistently, calmly, quietly.

Connect with School-Based Mental Health

• I also looped in the school’s counselor and social worker to help set up services through our School-Based Health Center.

Final Thought for Fellow Educators:

Sometimes what looks like “defiance” is a cry for help. Sometimes a parent just needs to be reminded they’re not failing—they’re facing something incredibly hard.

So if you're a dean, AP, or anyone in a student support role: Take the extra moment to ask what's underneath the behavior. Hold space. Offer resources. Follow up with care.

That’s how we support the whole child—and their family too.

#SchoolLeadership #GriefInTeens #EducationWithHeart #StudentSupport #DeanLife #MentalHealthAwareness #RestorativePractices #SocialEmotionalLearning #WholeChild #GriefSupportInSchools