The Leadership Skill No One Talks About
Marlene Chism
We build confident leaders, collaborative teams, and accountable cultures. | Keynote Speaking | Executive Retreats | Advising | Online course: The Performance Coaching Model
We’ve heard the term “emotional intelligence” so often, it’s easy to assume we understand it. But there’s a deeper, more courageous layer of emotional maturity that leaders rarely develop—because it’s rarely discussed. That layer is emotional integrity, and I discuss it in my book, From Conflict to Courage. (Listen to a book review here.)
If emotional intelligence is about understanding and managing emotions, emotional integrity is about owning your feelings, telling the truth about them, and acting in alignment with your values—even in the heat of the moment.
This is the leadership skill no one talks about. And yet, it’s the one that changes everything.
Why Self-Awareness Isn’t Enough
Self-awareness is foundational—but it’s not the finish line.
Most leaders I coach are aware of their triggers. They know when they’re frustrated. They know when they’re angry. They even know that they’re reacting in ways that aren’t helpful.
But knowing isn’t doing.
Emotional integrity is the bridge between self-awareness and self-regulation. It’s the difference between saying “I’m angry” and weaponizing that anger—or choosing to communicate from a centered, intentional place.
The Three Courageous Components of Emotional Integrity
If you want to grow your emotional integrity, start with these three skills:
1. The Courage to Take Responsibility for Your Experience
This means no blaming. Not even when someone else clearly made a mistake. Blame is a shortcut that keeps us stuck. Emotional integrity says: “I am responsible for how I respond—even if I didn’t cause the situation.”
2. The Courage to Face Your Dark Side
You don’t have to act on every impulse, but you do need to be honest with yourself. That includes acknowledging jealousy, resentment, anger, or disappointment—without shame or self-judgment.
3. The Courage to Represent Yourself
Instead of hiding, withdrawing, or pretending everything is fine, emotional integrity invites you to name what’s happening inside. You might say:
What Happens When You Don’t Build This Skill
Without emotional integrity:
Sound familiar?
What’s worse is that most leaders don’t realize these patterns stem from mismanaged emotions, not poor strategy.
Why Emotional Integrity Is the Game-Changer
Emotional integrity changes the conversation. It shifts the tone of a tough meeting. It rebuilds trust in relationships. And most importantly, it allows you to stay you—even in moments when the old version of you would’ve reacted poorly.
One Way We Teach Emotional Integrity
In the Performance Coaching Model, where I teach a framework for difficult conversations, it's not just about using the script, or learning the nine skills. Gaining emotional integrity is about the preparation, which is foundational to success. In preparing properly for the conversation I guarantee you'll find your blind spots, your resentments, and your stories. In the preparation phase you learn how to use the pre-frontal cortex to talk about the behavior or performance issue without all the drama and story-telling that happens when you don't know how to prepare. It's in the preparation phase that you gain enough clarity to stay centered and focused on the issue at hand.
Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via LinkedIn, or at MarleneChism.com
Co-CEO CargoTrans & Co-Founder of De Fili Solutions | Innovation, Purpose & Strategy | Enriching People’s Lives by Making the World Smaller
3moThis really resonates. It seems like emotional integrity is what separates being nice from being kind. Kindness, to me, includes honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. That might mean offering feedback that’s hard to hear or saying something you’d rather avoid out of fear it’ll bruise an ego or cause tension. But I’ve found that when difficult conversations are approached with curiosity rather than blame, more about discovery than declaring a truth, they can actually strengthen relationships. You’re not saying “this is what you did,” you’re saying “this is what I experienced.” That said, it does rely on the other person having a similar level of emotional integrity. And often, their immediate response tells you a lot. Curious to hear how others navigate this, especially when the other person may not be ready for that kind of dialogue.
Creating modern leaders. Speaker I Coach I Author I Consultant I Facilitator - Leadership, Organizational Development, Management, Human Resources, Soft Skills, Emotional Intelligence, Mindfulness
3moLove this!
International Construction & Heavy Equipment Industry | Global Sourcing & Procurement | Product Value Stream Optimization | Digital Transformation
3moKey is most of the time, people do not like honesty if they do not want to face the reality.
Transforming Operation-Focused Leaders to People-First Mindset✨| People-First Leadership Expert | Intl Speaker | Helping Newly Promoted/Mid-level Leaders to Manage Burnout🔥& Turnover | Boost Performance & Productivity🚀
3moYou nailed it. Everyone talks about the behaviour but not the root cause. You cannot solve the issue without changing the root cause. It’s easy to say you need to understand your emotions so you can manage them. But what is activating those emotions is what needs to be addressed. (The triggers). Great post Marlene.