The line of responsibility between the coach and the coachee

In a world full of guidance, advice, and support systems, it’s easy to confuse the roles we turn to. Whether you're seeking clarity, growth, or direction, knowing who does what and why makes all the difference.

Broad distinctions:

• Coaching and mentoring are future-based, towards finding solutions.

• Counselling and consulting are past-based. They look at what ‘went wrong’ to create the problem and then endeavour to fix or heal it.

• Coaching and counselling assume that the client has the answers inside of them, and we ask questions to help them find them.

• Consulting and mentoring assume that the client does not have (all) the answers and therefore we tell them what they need to know, to make progress.

Further distinctions:

• Counselling focuses on helping clients process and resolve past trauma, enabling them to move forward (often toward a coaching approach).

• Coaching is based on the belief that clients already possess the inner resources they need; the role of the coach is to ask thoughtful questions that help uncover those answers.

• Mentoring involves guidance from someone who has already navigated the path the client wants to follow, offering support, advice, and occasionally elements of coaching.

• Consulting: the client has a problem, and they do not know the answers. They arrive with “I know I don’t know, and I want you to tell me because you’re the expert.”

Real-life experience

From what I’ve seen over the years, most people who come to me for coaching are actually looking for a mix of things, even if they don’t realize it yet. They want to fix what’s not working and figure out the way forward. The thing is, if they knew how to get there on their own, they would’ve done it already.

Now, coaching and counseling programs emphasize that we should hold back on giving advice, stay curious, and let the client’s inner wisdom lead the way. And while that’s a valuable approach, after nearly a decade of working with clients, and navigating plenty of my own challenges, I’ve had to seriously reflect on where that model fits and where it might fall short.

Here are my current thoughts, first from my personal experience with problems:

When I face a problem, I naturally want to find my own answers if I can. However, when I need help, it's usually because I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve tried various approaches and made no progress or gotten stuck at a plateau. So, I want (or need) someone else’s guidance and input to help me move forward, perhaps just to hear other options I haven't considered so I can choose from them. Also, often my mind is so overwhelmed by stress that I can't think clearly.

Therefore, in my own coaching business, this is what I do:

I ask the client what would be most helpful to them, sometimes in each session, especially at the beginning of the process. Then we agree on that, and I stay within those boundaries. Sometimes I notice they’re struggling with something, and I’ll ask if it’s okay to share some information. They’re usually very thankful. No one has yet said, “No thanks, I’d rather continue to struggle.”

Strengths and coaching

I have clients with talents ( on the CliftonStrengths assessment) who usually can find their own answers after we’ve cleared out the emotional charge around their issue. It’s a beautiful thing to witness every single time. They suddenly just know what to do after we’ve taken out the emotional sting, and they quickly jump in and do it.

They might have talents like Strategic Thinking, Command,  Discipline, Maximizer, Self-Assurance, and others. Keep in mind that talents don’t operate in isolation; therefore, clients with different talent mixes will respond differently.

Other clients (who have more relational and thinking talents) appreciate input, reassurance, knowledge, and my experience. Even if what I provided is not the exact right answer for them, it means they’ve heard options they didn’t know about before. Then they can go away and think it through, add their own wisdom, and make up their own mind.

Each client is unique, and fortunately, I have the talent of ‘Individualisation’, which loves customising the process according to unique needs.

Knowing my strengths has also taught me that we coach (or do any other work) from our strengths. Trying to suppress our natural strengths is very difficult (almost impossible).

My own talents naturally want to share knowledge and teach. I don’t find it natural to “just ask questions”, especially when I know there’s a piece of knowledge that can help guide.

Some coaching organisations are rigorous in their guidelines of ‘only questions, no guidance’. I understand the reason for that.

Through 9 years of coaching and attending many courses, I have landed on a unique blend of counselling (with EFT 'short for Emotional Freedom Techniques' and other tools), coaching (again, with EFT), teaching, and mentoring.

The thing I don’t do is ‘consulting’. I don’t tell clients what they should do. That does not sit well with my strengths. I want to empower people to use their own wisdom and thinking and if I’m not an expert in an area, I will refer to another coach, or bring in a collaborative colleague (eg, for strengths teamwork.)

This blend works for me and my clients.

Back to the original question about Responsibility:

So, where’s the line of responsibility between coach and coachee?

It depends on what you signed up for and what the agreement is. If you signed up for ‘coaching’, the coach’s role is to help you find your own answers, not to provide any. If you signed up for consulting, it’s the consultant’s role to provide answers. And likewise for counseling and mentoring.

And even so, the bottom line is: no one else can truly know what is best for us.

We ultimately have responsibility for our own lives. No matter whether we receive an answer from someone else, it is still our responsibility to implement that, and make sure it is the right thing for us.

If you ever feel that my blended approach could be the right fit for you, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be happy to connect.