The Myth of the Real Man

A hidden force shapes our relationships—at home, at work, in friendships, and within ourselves.

And it starts with what we believe it means to be a man.

For years, I’ve reflected on the deep disconnect many men experience when it comes to intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional well-being. As I’ve observed more, listened more, and researched more, one pattern has become unmistakable:

Our society programs men to fail at emotional connection.

And in doing so, it sets them up to fail at romantic, platonic, and professional relationships.

The Myth of the “Real Man”

The late 20th-century sociologist Geert Hofstede studied cultural dimensions across the globe. One of his findings? In masculine cultures, men are expected to be:

• Assertive
• Competitive
• Materially successful
• Emotionally restrained

From childhood, boys are rewarded for toughness, composure, and dominance. They’re taught that to be respected, they must be strong—not just physically but emotionally impenetrable.

They’re taught that showing sadness, fear, or vulnerability makes them weak, that needing connection makes them soft, and that asking for help makes them less of a man.

And perhaps worst of all—they’re taught that manhood isn’t something you are; it’s something you must constantly earn.

The Endless Test of Masculinity

To be a “real man,” one must continuously pass a series of contradictory tests:

• Be strong, but also gentle.
• Be a provider, but not emotionally needy.
• Be a protector, but don’t ask to be protected.
• Be emotionally stable, but never too emotional.

No human being can live up to all these roles at once. But the pressure to try is real—and relentless.

Even worse, masculinity is policed.

Boys and men who deviate from the norm—who cry, who ask for support, who express fear—are shamed, ridiculed, or ostracized.

“Man up.” “Don’t be soft.” “Grow a pair.”

These aren’t just phrases. They’re messages that shape how men see themselves—and what they believe they’re allowed to feel.

The Emotional Cost of Repression

What happens when you raise generations of men to hide their feelings?

You get disconnection. You get loneliness. You get surface-level friendships, strained marriages, and broken communication.

Because while men are taught to ignore their emotions, those emotions don’t disappear.

They go underground. And what isn’t expressed, gets repressed. And what’s repressed, eventually erupts—as anger, detachment, or emotional shutdown.

The Science That Proves Emotion Comes First

Philosophers and theologians have praised rationality for making humans superior for thousands of years.

We were taught that emotion is animalistic, must be subdued by reason, and that one must live in logic to be a civilized, respectable man.

But science says otherwise.

In the past 30 years, neuroscience has revealed that humans are 98% emotional and only 2% rational. Emotions aren’t weaknesses to overcome—they are the operating system of the human brain. And when ignored or invalidated, they create chaos.

So, if we believe that masculinity requires emotional numbness, we are essentially asking men to disconnect from their humanity.

And in doing so, we’re asking them to disconnect from the very thing that makes relationships work: emotional presence.

How This Programs Us for Relationship Failure

If you can’t feel, you can’t connect. If you can’t connect, you can’t build intimacy. And if you can’t build intimacy, every relationship becomes hollow, performative, or transactional.

And yet, we wonder why men struggle to open up in relationships, why so many marriages fall apart due to “communication issues, " and why men often feel isolated, even when surrounded by people.

The answer is simple:

Emotional maturity is impossible when emotions are treated like threats.

What If Masculinity Is Just a Mask?

Here’s a hard truth:

What we call masculinity may be a cultural response to unresolved emotional wounds.

If you don’t feel, you can’t be hurt. If you can’t be hurt, you’re safe. If you’re safe, you survive.

And so, boys learn to stop feeling—not because they’re broken, but because it’s the only way to belong.

But surviving is not the same as thriving. And emotional suppression may keep you safe—but it also keeps you alone.

The Path Forward: Reclaiming Emotional Intelligence

If we want to build better relationships—at work, home, and within ourselves—we must rewrite the script.

• We must stop shaming men for their emotional experiences.
• We must teach boys that strength includes softness.
• We must help men unlearn the myth that vulnerability makes them less of a man.
• And most importantly, we must reconnect them to the language of emotion they were taught to forget.

Because intimacy, trust, collaboration, and love require emotional fluency.

And no one—no matter their gender—can have successful relationships without it.

Our culture’s fear of emotion, especially among men, is not just a social issue—it’s a relational crisis.

But there’s hope. Because what’s been learned can be unlearned. What’s been suppressed can be reclaimed. And what’s been broken can be rebuilt—once we stop asking people to hide who they are.

It’s time we taught men how to feel again, not just for their own well-being but also for the survival of every relationship they’ll ever have.