Neurodiversity 101:how much should we share about ourselves—and when does it go too far- what could the impact be?

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" said Oscar Wilde

We often hear the advice: “Be your authentic self.” But what does that really mean—especially if you’ve spent much of your life masking, adapting, or managing the perceptions of others? How much should we share in our day to day life when at work? When we hear that we can bring our 'whole self to work' we can think that we can behave in a way that we feel totally comfortable.Authenticity at work is usually described as feeling safe, accepted, and able to bring your whole self to a setting. I am not sure I fully know what is my 'whole self' as I am sure I have selves... that are different for different people and in different contexts .. I am not being duplicitous - or even multiplicitous ( if there is such as word!)

Sharing your life experience:The promise and the problem

Do you really feel need to do so? If everyone else seems to be telling their stories does it mean you need to do so too... even when you don't feel you want to.

Oversharing can sometimes be because we want to make connections with others. It can be sometimes when we are nervous and not sure how to respond so we say too much. However, when we overshare it can leave others feel uncomfortable, especially if they are not so sure how to respond.

If you have experienced trauma, details that feel uncomfortable to others may feel strangely normal or ho-hum to you. It can become a way of checking out other's reactions and seeing what they think.. but this can be a dangerous game to play and can lead us feeling even more isolated and 'othered'.

I realise that being authentic can be empowering especially when you may have spent a lifetime feeling different from the pack. I know I perform my best when I am comfortable with others and they 'get me' some of my 'quirkiness'. When you feel comfortable with others it can also strengthen trust, build team connections, and increase our well-being.

But here’s the caveat: authenticity and vulnerability are not the same as oversharing. And for many neurodivergent people, navigating that line is complicated and is often pretty blurred. ( See Youtube mini video)

The risks of sharing too much

Sometimes, we overshare without realising it. I have told some of my 'life stories' on LinkedIn over the past few years and some have been hard for me to do but I felt they could help others. When I am doing so it has come from a place where I am being supported as well. I never made sure that what I was sharing was more than I would tell someone I didn't know. Recently I am reading experiences of people and am concerned without support this could make them feel more alone and vulnerable.Sharing inappropriately may happen because:

• We're impulsive or enthusiastic and think it may help others if we do. It can mean that others think they can tell you all their stuff.... not realising the impact it may have on you when everyone tells you their challenges...

• We may struggle to read social cues or unspoken rules - this can end up revealing l too much detail that people don't want to hear and you only know it is too much too late and you can't take it back!

• We're trying to connect, belong, or gain trust quickly - and we feel sharing with someone something personal may strength that bond. However, it may be too soon to do that.

When is the right time to share?

It’s not always easy to judge the “right” amount to share—especially in a workplace where expectations are unclear.And if we don’t get the reaction we were hoping for in work settings and especially on social media—it can feel very personal.

But remember.... others may simply not know how to respond to you, be preoccupied, or have different boundaries. Some people may have high levels of empathy and then take on the world's worries. Have you ever doom scrolled and you can't sleep that night? So when you are posting about yourself, other people may be worrying about you, but they may not feel they can do anything to help directly or even indirectly. So it can have a negative consequence for all.

Being authentic when you’ve had to mask

If you’ve always shaped your behaviour to meet others' expectations, it can be hard to know where the mask ends and the self begins.We often carry scars from rejection or misunderstanding—like the child with ADHD who was excluded, or the adult with autism labelled as ‘too direct’. These experiences don’t disappear. They shape how safe we feel being ourselves.And there’s real risk: being open in the wrong setting can lead to judgement, isolation, or even professional harm.

Is there a balance?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”― Brené Brown

1. Choose what to share and when Not everyone needs to know everything about you and your life. Ask: Is this helpful, timely, and safe to share in this setting?

2. Be mindful of power dynamics It’s much easier to be open when you’re in a leadership role. If you’re new or vulnerable, consider starting with smaller disclosures and build trust over time. You can't take it back once it is out there.

3. Prepare for different reactions Even kind people may not respond how you expect. That doesn’t mean your story isn’t valid—but you may need to find the right audience. Remember other people may be having their own challenges too and have little capacity to take on anything else.

4. Talk it through first If unsure, test your message with a trusted friend, partner, mentor, or ally before posting or disclosing publicly.

5. Find your allies An organisation may say it’s inclusive, but culture varies across teams. First build connections.

6. Know your communication style—and theirs Understanding how you prefer to share (e.g. written vs verbal, short vs deep conversations) helps reduce misunderstandings. It also helps you interpret others more accurately.

Bonds are built through trust

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”― Friedrich Nietzsche

For workplaces to be truly inclusive, they must recognise that sharing about yourself requires safety. Bonds are not made in five minutes but can be broken in that time.

It means as organisations and the people working in them that we consider the words and phrases we use and their meaning and how they could potentially be misconstrued. They can be hugely helpful or alternatively damage those we are trying to include.

“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly – they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Being authentic doesn’t mean having to bare your soul. It means not having to hide who you are to survive.That’s something we all deserve.

Author:

I am a parent, a grandparent and a daughter sitting in a very neurodivergent family.

I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 30+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.

I am a medical doctor, Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity;

I have written 10 books so far.Theo Smith and I wrote the UK award-winning book Neurodiversity at Work Drive Innovation, Performance, and Productivity with a Neurodiverse Workforce. My 11th book came out in 2023 Neurodiversity and Education and Theo and I have a new book coming out quite soon!

I am CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers consultancy and guidance, consultancy, training and web-based screening tools that have helped 10s of 1000s of people. Contact us and we can discuss how we can help.We strive to deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.

*Ideas are all my own