The power of myth.... (Or, what do you believe about yourself, part 2?)

How much of what you tell yourself is (objectively) true? No, really: how much of your self-talk - that non-stop conversation that goes on in your head involuntarily - is actually true (as in an objective, verifiable reflection of what is) versus your perception of the truth (as in how you'd like to see the world/like the world to be)?

My intuition is that your reflexive answer to my question is either "everything" or "almost everything" ... but is this true? Do you process the world and your experience of it objectively or subjectively?

Let's be honest, we all know the 'right' or better answer is the former, but the reality/truth is that it's the latter, as it must be. As much as we may want to be objective, we live subjectively, perceiving life and everything that happens to us in it via our own idiosyncratic lens. Unfortunately, we forget - or choose to forget - this reality far too often and to our detriment....

I believe that our lack of awareness or tendency towards purposeful forgetting is one of the reasons that Don Miguel Ruiz and his son Don Jose Ruiz wrote The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery: to help us maintain our commitment to or recapture the objective truth so that we can live more authentically and successfully.

Of course, given the runaway success of its predecessor (written by the senior Mr. Ruiz), The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, one could argue the inevitability of a follow-up volume, but, unlike with many sequels, the authors do break appreciable new ground. For example, consider The Four Agreements:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best

To be honest, at first blush, they sound a little too simple or trite to be particularly impactful ... but, upon reflection, if you consider how well you actually live them, you'll realize their power to help you transform your life. For instance, don't you actually make assumptions virtually all of the time? (Hint: yes, I'm aware of the assumption in this question.) And how good are you, really, at not taking things personally, whether at work or at home? And have you done your absolute best/given your absolute most every single day of your life?

Of course not … and, yet, how different would your life be if you could answer all of them in the affirmative? Therein lies the power of The Four Agreements.

So why do we need a fifth one and what is it?

It's this:

Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen

Yeah, right, another simplistic bromide … and yet it means far more than what it may appear to at first glance. The authors urge you to be skeptical "because most of what you hear isn't true." And they encourage you to listen so that "you can understand the meaning of the symbols that people are using; you understand their story, and the communication improves a lot."

In other words, don't assume that what you hear - from yourself or anyone else - is the objective truth, but it is your or someone else's subjective truth and thus should be considered carefully so that you understand (as much as may be possible) what's going on in any given situation. Hmmm.…

Throughout The Fifth Agreement, the Ruizes emphasize this difference between what they call the truth - reality as it is, objectively accepted rather than interpreted - versus "virtual reality" - what we and others tell ourselves is the truth (or, put differently, our subjective truth).

Which brings us back to the question that began this missive: how much of what you tell yourself is objectively/literally true versus your perception/interpretation of reality? In other words, how much of what we experience in life is real versus our interpretation - and purposeful distortion - of it?

At first blush, the proceeding may sound a bit sinister: who among us wants to admit that we purposely distort our perceptions of reality on a regular basis? No one … and yet we all do. Like it or not, with few exceptions, we live subjectively, which means that our life is not an experience of what happens to us but actually is an experience of how we interpret what happens to us.

Think about this: have you ever assessed a situation incorrectly, perceived it initially in one way only to find out later that the reality was meaningfully different? Of course you have, as have we all … and that's the point: our experience of life is filtered through a lens - a unique way of seeing and assigning value to our experiences based on our history and present circumstances - of which we are most often unaware.

Another way to conceive of this is to realize that our experience of life is a series of stories that we tell ourselves, some of which are closer to objective reality/more true than others. A trivial but nonetheless incisive example:

If you're a true New York Jets fan, the New England Patriots will always be cheaters no matter how many super Bowls they win, even though, objectively, the likelihood of their cheating enough and for so long is so remote that this cannot possibly be a determinative reason for their long-term success. The reason that we Jets fans cling so inextricably to this unreality is very simple: it keeps us from having to admit that the Patriots have been and likely will continue to be far superior to our beloved but beleaguered team.

Or let's use a different, more personal example:

Are you a person who could stand to lose a few pounds (whether this is just a couple or a couple dozen)? If so, how do you react when you see those "skinny-mini" people, you know, the ladies who wear a size 0 and the men who can actually pull off skinny jeans? Chances are that you've told yourself that they're genetically predisposed not to gain weight like you do so it's not your fault that you have, right? And, yet, even in these moments you realize that you're probably lying to yourself (or, at least, making a huge assumption), right? Exactly. Deliberately mis-perceiving reality can comfort us.

And if you're one of those skinny people, do you see the rest of us and assume that we don't have your level of self-control? Oh, right, sure you don't! But I digress....

The point is that we are quite likely not only to interpret our experience of life subjectively but to do so in a way that aligns with our self-conception … which is why it can be so hard to get along with ourselves and others at times.

For example, how many times have you argued a point or perspective in which you really didn't believe that much but to which you held fast just on principle so as not to lose the debate or argument? Oh, I see, it's just me.…

And how many times have you been annoyed by or angry at yourself or a colleague, friend or loved one who called you out on something that you knew you were wrong about? Oh, again, apparently it's just me.…

OK, so even if you're willing to concede the point that we live subjectively, why does this matter?

Because our best life, objectively speaking, is out beyond this self-imposed subjective boundary.

How so, you may ask skeptically? It's real simple, actually: what argument can you make that living subjectively - or, alternatively stated, lying to yourself consistently - is better than learning to perceive, accept and live into a more objective truth?

Think about it: are we really better off for all of the 'little white lies' that we tell ourselves? That our boss is an a@#hole or that our spouse/significant other is too often unreasonable or that our kids just don't listen and aren't as respectful of their elders as we used to be or that it's really too cold to work out this morning or.…

While some or all of these things may be objectively true, most likely they are not … and therein lies the opportunity to live a better/our best life.

As radical as it may be to conceptualize, what would your life look like if you didn't allow yourself excuses or self-limiting thoughts and beliefs?

What if, as a defining personal practice, you choose to embrace reality consistently/always and ground your choices to react in it? What if you decide to be skeptical about what you hear from yourself and others and commit to searching for deeper/more objective truths?

This, I'm certain, is a very different life from the one you lead today … as it is for virtually all of us. And yet, it's certainly a worthy aspiration and goal for which to sacrifice.

A personal example:

As I've written previously, for virtually my entire adult life, I've struggled with my weight. Two months ago, I weighed exactly double what I did when I was an all-state track athlete in high school. In fact, those I've come to know only in my adult life don't even realize that this pudgy middle-aged man was actually once a lithe and swift gazelle whose waist size was over a full foot smaller than it is today. So people who've met me as an adult see this fat me as normal even though I am tormented every day by the reality that I could be appreciably thinner and more healthy but for the choices that I've made.

Along the way to this portly state, I have consistently made excuses that have kept me in a comfort zone that has accrued over the long term to a problem with obesity … but, of course, I wouldn't and didn't admit to myself that they were excuses (and therefore change my choices) in those many, many moments.

And now that I have a far more objective understanding of the health consequences of these decades of poor choices - thanks to my doctor, who is, to put it nicely, impactfully blunt - I find myself with yet another challenge: having to live with the reality that the warnings that I received in my youth about it being much harder to stay fit in middle age have proven true, which means that the weight goes on easy - I'm a great/accomplished eater - and comes off with great difficulty.

I got fat because I was willing to indulge my knowingly subjective 'truths' - my personal myths, if you will - that were, in fact, self-soothing lies … and now to get reasonably-sized - as I can't even process emotionally the level of sacrifice necessary to get skinny again - is a daily struggle with objective reality. I abhor having to be so careful with what I eat, but I am far more aware of the impact of these choices (the wisdom of which, sadly, has come very late in life). And I am still struggling to change my decades-long adult habit of not working out almost every day into its complete contrast. The wages of sin are greatly costly indeed.…

So my best life involves taking full responsibility for every choice that I make in life, including those that affect my health. If I'm going to be all that I can be in whatever time I have in this earthly life, I'm going to have to confront some difficult truths along the way … which means that I'm going to have to push myself beyond my subjective comfort level to the often challenging if not downright painful at times objective reality of (middle-aged) life as it is rather than as I want it to be.

The beautiful thing is that the more I accept objective reality the more my life becomes as I truly want it to be. Embracing this truth is hard right now, but will become less so over time as I establish better habits, the first and foremost of which is the unflinching embrace of objective reality.

God, it sucks to be an adult! Actually, it doesn't: it's just that adulting is a lot harder than it appeared to be when we were younger … and, yet, it's still better than the alternative (as far as we know). So as challenging and painful (at times) as it may be, will you join me in committing to being ever more consistently open to objective reality and, in so doing, positioning ourselves to live our best lives?

Accordingly, I look forward to our sharing our experiences of living all five agreements more successfully, including to be constructively skeptical and learning to listen for and to objective truth.

A few months ago, before I recommitted to achieving better health, I would have been so skeptical as to doubt my/our ability to live into this commitment. Many miles and 15 pounds lighter later, I'm clear that I and we can do this. So let's enjoy the journey together by keepin' it real/100 today and every day.…

(Photo credits: https://www.azquotes.com/quote/625823; https://emilysquotes.com/you-see-the-truth-so-many-people-seem-to-miss-is-that-happiness-doesnt-start/; https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwj32LiPub_kAhWkiOAKHaAaCVQQjRx6BAgBEAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fpicclick.co.uk%2FThe-Four-Agreements-Practical-Guide-to-Personal-Freedom-352682417096.html&psig=AOvVaw2J-LPrDD5NQkPSvbfSuzQ1&ust=1567970741337777; https://www.slideserve.com/shirin/goals; https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-lies-we-tell-ourselves_b_11056142; https://me.me/i/between-stimulus-and-response-there-is-a-space-in-that-7547123; https://i.pinimg.com/originals/01/7e/31/017e31b99cef62389adeaaee9cfd455a.jpg; https://www.quora.com/Do-you-ever-look-in-the-mirror-and-see-a-skinny-person-but-in-reality-your-overweight; https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/charles_r_swindoll_388332?src=t_life; https://www.freecodecamp.org/news/why-feeling-uncomfortable-is-the-key-to-success-1f308a2ba7b5/; http://www.rgmichaelandassociates.com/2017/12/05/the-lies-we-tell-ourselves/; https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/neale_donald_walsch_452086; https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1125968633927559/visual-search/?x=7&y=8&w=237&h=301; https://inspiration.susangilbert.com/post/142424294608/fate-whispers-to-the-warrior-you-cannot)