Radical Authenticity & Reclaiming Your True Self

I wasn’t always this version of myself.

The purple hair, visible tattoos, new branding?

That feels pretty new.

Sometimes I feel like a snake who’s just shed her skin. Or... gone through 8 years of therapy, burnout, & multiple breakdowns.

😵💫

I still feel weird (& unqualified?) to talk about authenticity.

It's easy to say "Be yourself! Give fewer fucks!" To dye your hair & get tattoos.

But the journey of finding myself? Of accepting that person? Expressing myself openly?

That's still a work in progress.

Because for most of my life, I've been a shape-shifter.

Wearing masks, performing roles... Anything it took to be liked, to be praised, to feel NORMAL.

At the time, it didn't feel like I was faking.

The masks felt like safety. Like belonging. Like embracing a version of myself that people would LOVE.        

And that felt really, REALLY good.

🤷♀️

Mask #1: The Good Girl

Like a lot of little girls (& eldest daughters of the ‘90s), my first mask started in childhood.

I learned that to lovable you should be GOOD.

Good girls are quiet. Good girls are pretty. Good girls make straight A's & follow the rules.

😇

And at home, being good wasn't just about approval. It meant safety.

Growing up with an abusive father, I quickly learned that following the rules & staying quiet meant avoiding the worst of the abuse.

(many of us have different forms of abuse or trauma that can manifest in the same way... learning to be good at all costs to gain love or avoid abuse)

So... I became perfect. 4.3 GPA. Star student. Overachiever.        

School became my safety net. The only thing I could control when the rest of my life felt unpredictable, chaotic, too much to think about.

It's easy to look back & feel proud of those times.

Photos of me in my varsity jacket, with honors ribbons & my UF offer.

👩🎓

But there were things that I hid.

Fear so intense my ears would flush bright red when I had to speak in class. Crying when my mom forced me to join the swim team. Barely talking to people outside of my close friends bc of crippling social anxiety.

So in college, I found something new that quieted the fears:

Alcohol.

🍷

Mask #2: The Party Girl

When I first started drinking... something magical happened.

My anxiety stopped. My inner critic? Quiet.

For the first time, I felt NORMAL.

Not the shy, awkward girl who no one noticed. But confident, relaxed, COOL….?

🤩

I joined a sorority. Went platinum blonde. Splurged on spray tans. Skipped meals, lost 20 lbs.

And started a 10-year cycle of chasing acceptance from others.

I was no longer simply managing my anxiety. I was actively building a different version of myself.        

I looked like a stock image of a southern sorority girl.

But no matter how much I looked the part, I still never felt like enough.

I was spiraling.

😞

Blackouts. Anxiety. Self-hatred. Body dysmorphia. Depression.

When I looked my “best” by society’s standards was when I felt my absolute worst.

So after college, I swapped one performance for another. 

Work.

🤑

Mask #3: The High Achiever

Work became my next costume. The next way to prove I was ok.

That I wasn’t some broken girl from a broken family with a fucked up history.

But someone successful. Someone desirable. Someone lovable.

And in sales? I found the ultimate drug: achievement.        

Want to feel more worthy? Close more deals. Make more money. Get promoted.

I was really obsessed & addicted to being seen as "impressive."

Fairly easy in a culture where being a raging workaholic didn’t just go unchecked… it was celebrated!

I worked late hours & weekends. I did all of the extra projects.

I lived & breathed success. Trophies. Bonuses. Recognition. Power.        

📈

I was drunk on achievement… & blacking out at company happy hours.

But I wanted MORE.

So like any obsessive young person in their 20s, I moved to NYC.

Mask #4: The Quirky Corporate Girlie

In New York, I was surrounded by dreamers, artists, radically authentic weirdos.

And I dipped my toes in.

I went to Burning Man & danced with pasties. I did ayahuasca & started a psychedelic craft club. I wore quirky little outfits with sequins & disco ball earrings.

🪩

I told myself I was living differently… but I was still performing.        

Still caring deeply about what others thought.

Still curating the perfect version of myself.

Still chasing validation through aesthetics, novelty, productivity.

🫣

But then it all came crashing down. When burnout hit, it cracked my entire soul open.

It wasn’t a glow-up. It was a full-ass breakdown.        

The Unraveling

I had achieved everything that society told me would make me happy.

Success. Marriage. Great friends. A fat paycheck. A big house & fancy car.

It always seemed like if I could just get that ONE MORE thing…

That I’d finally feel happy, worthy, loved.

😞

But I burned out.

And had to face the fact that everything was not ok.

I stopped pretending & started radically changing my life.        

I quit the job. I ended the relationship. I left the city. I abandoned my 5-year plan.

But in doing so, I created space to explore what I really wanted.

I moved to Mexico City. I started my own business. I adopted a cat. I started a healthy relationship.

And I learned how to love myself versus seeking validation from others.

❤️🩹

But living without the masks? That’s been really hard.        

There are still days I feel terrified & wish I could go back. Because in a lot of ways, it was easier to blend in.

Hit the goal. Get the praise. Repeat.

We’re taught to feel comfort in the simplicity of internalized patriarchy & capitalistic definitions of success.

Sometimes I miss how easy it was to feel “normal” when I was drinking heavily. How easy it was to feel wanted when I looked like someone else’s idea of beautiful. How easy it was to feel valuable when I was over-delivering. 

😖

But I can’t unsee the truth.

Authenticity isn’t dyeing your hair or showing your tattoos or going to music festivals.

It’s about no longer performing. No longer shrinking. No longer chasing someone’s definition of “good.”

True authenticity is a reclamation.

It won’t make everyone like you. But it will help you like yourself.        

PS... a lil quote that inspired this post:

“Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you.” - Paulo Coelho

🔮

Thanks for reading

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