Sally Helgesen: the Unexpected Art of Not Losing Your Cool at Work

When I sat down with Sally Helgesen, I thought I was just interviewing an expert on leadership and inclusion. What I didn’t realize was that she’d gently drag me, page by page, through every single workplace frustration I’ve ever had. And not only that—she had the nerve to offer me solutions. Actual, practical, no-nonsense ways to stop stewing in my own righteous rage and start, you know, handling things like a grown-up.

Her latest book, Rising Together, is like therapy, but cheaper. Also more useful. Instead of “tell me about your childhood,” she says, “tell me what sets you off at work.” Because let’s be honest, someone always does. Whether it’s being ignored, talked over, mistaken for someone’s assistant, or just watching Steve from accounting win praise for the same idea you pitched ten minutes ago.… we’ve all been Jane in that story.

And Sally? Sally knows.

The Classic “Steve Stole My Idea” Moment

Let’s talk about Jane (name changed, country changed, but the heartbreak is real). Jane shares a brilliant idea in a meeting. Everyone nods politely and moves on. Ten minutes later, Steve parrots the exact same thing, and suddenly—boom—genius alert! Everyone’s clapping. Jane is fuming. But does she say anything? No. She storms off to the coffee machine and complains to her friend, because what else can you do? Start a war over a brainstorming session?

Enter Sally. She doesn’t say “go yell at Steve” or “file a complaint.” She says: breathe. Notice that you’re triggered. Accept it. Then—and here’s the part I love—reclaim the moment with finesse. Go up to Steve and say, “So glad you liked my idea—maybe we can move it forward together?” Mic drop. Zero aggression, but maximum dignity. And the best part? Steve probably thinks you’re the one being generous.

“Authenticity” – A Double-Edged Buzzword

At this point in our talk, I raised a delicate question. “But Sally,” I said, “what if being gracious feels… fake? What if I’m just mad and want to be real?”

And this is where Sally introduced her concept of the Authenticity Trap. You know that feeling when you want to call someone out in the middle of the meeting but you don’t because, well, politics—and then later you tell yourself, “At least I stayed true to myself”?

Yeah. That.

According to Sally, many of us confuse “authenticity” with “my first emotional reaction.” We think, “I’m furious, therefore I’m being authentic.” But maybe—just maybe—your authentic self is also your most reactive, least strategic self. You know, the one who wants to rage-quit because someone forgot your name on an email thread.

Sally says: grow up (nicely). Being “authentic” doesn’t mean saying every thought that pops into your head. That’s not leadership, that’s just noise. Being professional doesn’t make you fake. It makes you smart.

The Mental Gymnastics We Do Every Day

Let’s talk about the exhausting internal monologue so many women (myself included) run in our heads:

• “Did I talk too much?”
• “Should I have smiled more?”
• “Will they think I’m full of myself?”
• “Maybe I should’ve ended that sentence with a question mark instead of a period?”

Sound familiar? Sally calls this trigger Managing Perceptions. It’s what happens when we twist ourselves into a human pretzel trying to make sure no one thinks we’re arrogant, too ambitious, or (gasp) self-promoting.

Meanwhile, men are out here saying things like “I crushed it” and then going golfing.

Sally’s advice? You will never control what everyone thinks of you. Not even close. So stop trying. Frame your work clearly, speak up, and let people deal with their own insecurities. You’ve got better things to do than to babysit someone else’s impression of you.

Networking Without Guilt

Here’s where things got personal. Sally and I both admitted that we’ve felt shame—actual shame—when asking someone for help or a favor. For me, it’s that little voice saying, “Oh no, now she’ll think I only talked to her because I wanted something.”

For Sally, it took her two years to ask her friend Marshall Goldsmith (you know, that guy with a million LinkedIn followers) to co-author a book with her. She thought he’d assume she was using him. Turns out, he was thrilled. Why? Because he wanted to grow his credibility with women—and working with Sally helped him do that.

Moral of the story: you are not a villain for asking. Relationships are not temples. They’re two-way streets. If you’ve been supporting others, guess what—you’re allowed to cash in a little goodwill. You’re not a user. You’re a functioning adult in a professional ecosystem.

And if someone thinks otherwise? That’s their baggage, not yours.

Women’s Networks: From Social Circles to Power Hubs

One of the most interesting parts of our conversation was around networking—specifically, how men’s old boys’ clubs work very differently than women’s circles.

Old boys’ clubs are all about power and favors: I help you, you help me, we both win (and golf later). Women’s networks? Historically more like emotional support groups. Useful, but not always strategic.

Sally told me about a group of women political operatives who leveled up by flipping that script. They stopped just sharing stories and started recommending each other for roles. Actively. Aggressively. Within a couple years, they were more powerful than the men’s group. Not because they excluded anyone, but because they turned friendship into leverage.

Imagine that: using your natural relationship-building skills to build empires instead of brunch dates. Revolutionary.

Shame, Sales, and the Magic of Eggplants

I brought up a little metaphor during our chat that seemed to stick. I said, asking someone for help is like selling eggplants. You grow them, you display them, someone comes along and says, “That looks good—I’ll buy one.” End of story. No shame. No moral hand-wringing. Just supply and demand.

Sally laughed. “Yes!” she said. “No one cries because their eggplant was sold.”

So here’s the deal. You have things people want—ideas, experience, insight, energy. And yes, sometimes, you need things from others too. You’re allowed to ask. You’re allowed to offer. Let’s normalize the eggplant economy of relationships.

What I’m Taking with Me

After talking to Sally, I realized something painfully obvious: inclusion isn't just about policies or slogans or committee meetings. It’s about the micro-moments. The half-second reactions. The internal monologues we don’t even realize we’re repeating. It’s about what you do when you feel invisible, or misjudged, or tempted to “stay true to yourself” in a way that actually just keeps you small.

Rising Together is not a manifesto. It’s a manual. A delightfully honest, occasionally funny, very real manual for how to stop being triggered and start being effective. And not just for women—for anyone who’s ever felt like an outsider, or a little too unsure to speak up, or too angry to say the right thing.

So if you’ve ever walked out of a meeting muttering to yourself, “What just happened?”—this book is for you.

And if you’re Steve from accounting? It’s for you too.

 Watch the full interview via my youtube channel https://youtu.be/_-7QXee6sZI 

I will also lead a reading club within my online Nuoyan Community in June and July. Sally Helgesen’s How Women Rise—a sharp, honest, and refreshingly practical guide for women who want to move forward in their careers without losing themselves in the process.

This isn’t your typical “lean in harder” advice. Helgesen pinpoints the 12 habits that hold women back—like overvaluing expertise, reluctance to claim credit, or the (very familiar) tendency to “do it all ourselves.” If you’ve ever felt stuck, under-recognized, or like you’re working twice as hard for half the visibility—this book will hit home.

But here’s the best part: you don’t have to read it alone. In our reading club, we’ll unpack real stories, share our own “oh no, that’s me” moments, and walk away with not just insight—but actual steps we can take. No shame. No jargon. Just honest conversation, a few laughs, and a lot of lightbulb moments.

If you are interest, please contact info@yinuoli.org to join our Nuoyan community. Looking forward to seeing you.