The unspoken struggle of mothers (part 2)

Are women and men prepared for the challenges and responsibilities that come with being a parent?

In my humble opinion, we are not doing a great job of preparing our young parents-to-be, and we are doing even worse for working moms.

If I had the opportunity to talk to young women, I would tell them the dream we were told, that women can hold senior positions and be moms at the same time, is true, but it may have a toll. I’d like to tell them that they may see themselves in the dilemma of having to choose (if they can choose. Some won’t have this luxury). And that, unfortunately, if they choose to quit, they may see a colossal gap between their salary and that of their husband. And the more children they have, the more significant the gap will be. Check the below graph.

I also would advise these young women that although their partners will not consciously view child-rearing as primarily mother’s responsibility, when children get sick, moms are more likely to pick the children up from school, take them to the Dr and stay home with them. They may also witness that their partner has gotten a promotion, and as dads get more stressed out, moms can find themselves solo-parenting their children too often. I’d tell this young parents-to-be that it's important to have open and honest conversations, when planning to have babies, about sharing parenting responsibilities and setting realistic expectations to avoid burnout and resentment.

We need to warn the parents-to-be of the current situation, as this is not just affecting women but entire families. A study done by Professor Susan Harkness at the University of Bristol in 2018 found that in the UK:

Mothers who leave employment completely are three times more likely to return to a lower-paid or lower-responsibility role than those who do not take a break.

For new mothers – but not fathers – staying with the same employer is associated with a lower risk of downward occupational mobility but also with lower chances of progression.

Bearing children affects the well-being of fathers too. Paternal postpartum depression is prevalent in 4–25% of new fathers during the first 12 months after birth (Stadtlander L. Paternal postpartum depression. Int J Childbirth Educ. 2015;30(2):11–3.). If this is related to the pressure of bringing the bread home or if it is due to a history of depression, anxiety or trauma, we don’t know, but it is quite prevalent that as a society, we need to support parents-to-be and new parents, better than we do.  

The studies around the topic of the pay gap between women and men suggest that women suffer from peer and or family pressure to stay at home, but in my opinion, in western countries, there is a tendency to urge women back to work because: “mom, the baby doesn't need you”. I feel there is this increasing tendency to make the baby grow alone, although that goes against all maternal instincts.  

Are mothers leaving the workforce because motherhood is simply not compatible with how we work in these times? Are mothers paying the toll for the prevalent work environment and ethics?

My most significant learning in these last five years is that children need it slow. And we go far too fast. Children need it slow, and if we work and live at this super high pace, we are doing no favor to our children, nor to us. The burnout rates we have are too high, we are not able to follow this pace, but we ask our children to do so. We rush them from one place to another so that we can keep up with the demands of those so-called great places to work.

What I think we do know is that we need to address the wellbeing of mothers and fathers so that they can raise healthy, emotionally stable children that will become the adults that will thrive in the future. And addressing this well-being means respecting the needs of the babies and children, mothers and fathers.

According to a research of the World Health Organization: Globally, one in seven 10-19-year-olds experiences a mental disorder, accounting for 13% of the global burden of disease in this age group. Depression, anxiety and behavioural disorders are among the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-29 year-olds. 

As we know, there are numerous factors that may contribute to depression and anxiety in children and adolescents. I think as parents we should also be asking if we are honoring them with the compassion and time they need from us.

As the article turned out to be quite long, I shortened it into several parts. If you want to read it all today, click here: https://www.bareandbrave.com/post/the-unspoken-struggle-of-mothers