When Escape becomes Expansion

How often do you feel penned in or constrained? It could be something as big as realising you’re in completely the wrong career or something as small as a room that’s a bit too noisy. With both of those scenarios comes the desire to escape, get out, seek happier surroundings. And, up until very recently, I’d pretty much thought that ‘escape’ was central to my story when it turns out it’s actually about e x p a n s i o n.

In a change from my usual speaking events, I was given the opportunity to participate in a ‘fireside chat’ with Guy Cohen where I offered the audience a very brief overview of my social mobility experience before Guy led our conversation via a series of questions.

As a member of the British Psychological Society, I’d anticipated that Guy would ask me some interesting questions. What I hadn’t expected was a revelation.

Overcoming constraints

My early life was characterised by having to get out. I strained against the chaos and expectations of my household. Slept on friends’ sofas. Pulled against the demands from my mum to “come home NOW” like a World’s Strongest Woman pulling a truck (fun fact: I LOVE World’s Strongest events and am now following some amazing Strong Women on Insta – check out Chloe Brennan and Lucy Underdown if you’re looking for inspiration).

I also:

• Left my first job as you don’t make a fortune being on a till in a green grocers
• Left my second job as I wasn’t going to make Permanent Consultant quickly enough
• Left my first IT job because the sales director made it clear he wouldn’t put a woman in a field sales role
• Left Microsoft because when two of your friends have cancer (and kids the same age as yours) you realise pretty quickly that you value other things above “lighting up” instances of Azure

So wasn’t this simply escaping from situations that I didn’t like? No.

Finding the right words

In the way that possibly only psychologists can do, Guy took a pause after I’d contrasted the sensory overload of growing up in a house where the TV and thermostat are on full blast and everyone’s shouting to be heard with the relative quiet of my household now, and said “I notice that a lot of what you share speaks to expansion.” And I have been thinking about what he said ever since.

In the same way that therapy was useful in providing me with a more comprehensive language for some of the things I have experienced, hearing Guy use the word ‘expansion’ was like a lightbulb going off.

Reframing running away

Reframing ‘escape’ as ‘expansion’ is an incredibly powerful thing to do. I did not “run away” from my background (full disclosure: I have written about running away from home like my pants were on fire 😉) – instead, I was (still am!) looking for expansion beyond what it felt like my life was 'supposed' to be.

Some people may characterise a person’s desire to break out and climb a career ladder as ambition but if I consider my non-linear progress of corporate career to freelance alliance manager before becoming a ghost-writer, author, stand up and now professional speaker and podcaster it really is about expanding my skills and future options.

Seeking and social mobility

Processing what Guy said reminded me of a conversation with Julie Genney where she talked about my actions being consistent with that of a ‘seeker’ - something which I also love.

Combining this characteristic of seeking new opportunities and experiences with ‘expansion’ has helped me to come to a form of understanding about myself which doesn’t at the same time cast those who have not pursued social mobility in a less favourable light - some of us actively seek expansion whereas others are content. Some of us are held in place by systems that create and maintain structural inequality where others are compelled to wiggle their way out – even if it does mean leaving their culture behind.

It is incumbent on those of us who overcome these barriers to shine a light on the truth of just how hard it is to enact social mobility and how it is often a solo journey – in doing so we promote understanding and empathy and show the way to those who are also seeking to expand.

Growing pains

Growing can be painful, hard, and it does leave its marks. In a very recent session as part of an EDI strategy day I talked about how my own expansion and growth evidences itself in a deep sense of guilt. This ranges from the ridiculousness of experiencing paralysis in the cheese aisle of a supermarket because I can afford to spend a tenner on cheddar (I know, such a show off!), right through to seeking therapy to help me feel comfortable with accepting and celebrating the growth I have achieved.

Ever expanding horizons

So, if you’re looking to expand your horizons, what can you do? I’ve listed five quick tips below:

1. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. "How did you do that?", "What steps do I need to take?", "What resources can you recommend?", "Who can I speak to about?" will all stand you in good stead.
2. Show an interest in the stories of others – you will often be amazed by what you find out and the common ground you share.
3. Share your gifts with the world
4. Ask for opportunities
5. Don't be afraid to try!

How can I help you?

Looking for someone to help your organisation explore themes around social mobility, belonging and expansion? Drop me a DM or chat to the team at Champions Speakers via this link: https://champions-speakers.co.uk/speaker-agent/toni-kent