Why Aren’t We Happy at Work?

There are two main reasons we’re not happy at work.

Reason no. 1: Actual issues.

Maybe we’re doing a job we don’t like for lousy pay, with a boss who doesn’t value us, under constant stress. Our free time suffers — maybe even our health, we’re burnt out.

Or maybe we’re just bored, because we don’t have any meaningful or challenging goals.

So we drag out that misery by staying in the same workplace for too long — because we’re afraid of change, because we think we’re not good enough or don’t deserve better (or we don’t even believe something better exists), or because we’re too attached to the benefits that come with the job.

Reason no. 2: Our expectations.

More and more of us are unhappy at work simply because we sense we could — and should — be happier.

And that’s where “meta-suffering” kicks in: we’re unhappy about being unhappy.

In other words, we’re upset that we’re not as happy as we think we could — or should — be.

The Imperative of Happiness

Be happy! Find your dream job! Unlock your potential!

These days, we not only have the ability — we feel the pressure to optimize every part of life, including work.

We’re not just chasing happiness — we’re chasing MAXIMUM HAPPINESS.

We don’t just think we could be happier — we believe we should be. And that’s both a luxury and a burden.

This pressure to be happy makes us constantly second-guess ourselves.

Are we in the right job? Should we be doing something else?

Why settle for “fine” if something better — something amazing — might be out there?

• We don’t just want a decent salary — we want a high salary and great benefits.

• We don’t just want a job we’re good at and enjoy — we want one that lets us fulfill our potential and live our purpose.

• We don’t just want friendly coworkers — we want a deep sense of belonging and connection.

And even “amazing” isn’t enough if it stays the same:

We want more impact than yesterday, constant learning, promotions, raises, fresh challenges, new projects.

So it’s not enough for things to be great — they have to keep getting better.

On one hand, that hunger drives us forward and improves our lives.

On the other, it throws us off balance and leaves us in a state of constant unease.

We’re chasing some holy grail of happiness and fulfillment — a dream career where we finally become everything we’re meant to be.

So when something goes wrong at work, the spiral starts:

Is this really for me? Am I making a mistake by staying? What if I’m missing out? Would I be happier somewhere else?

We get overly tuned in to every little sign that something’s wrong, and we either walk — or agonize over whether we should.

When I was going through a rough patch in my career, I literally woke up every day wondering: “Should I quit today or not?”

And having to make that decision — every single day — drained me more than the job itself.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median time people stay in a job is 4.1 years — and it’s even shorter for younger workers.

That number has been dropping for years, and I’d bet it’s going to keep dropping. Which means more job changes, more often.

What those numbers really show is this:

While plenty of people still put up with jobs that make them miserable, more and more are deciding they don’t have to.

They’re willing to search for something better — even if it means switching jobs again and again.

Are We Just Spoiled?

Where do such high expectations come from? Are we just spoiled?

That’s a popular theory today, but I think the answer is much more complex.

I believe our high expectations are shaped by several factors:

1) Number of real or perceived options

The more appealing options we have (or think we have) on the job market, like companies with better conditions — the lower our tolerance for discomfort.

If we exclude short-term fluctuations, the number of options is generally increasing, and becoming an entrepreneur or freelancer has never been easier.

The opportunity cost of loyalty to a single employer is unacceptably high.

2) Comparison with others

The more success stories we see on social media and examples of people who got rich quickly, working little and earning a lot, the more envy we feel:

“If they can make it, why wouldn’t I too?”

Just as Hollywood movies sell us a distorted picture of love, constant exposure to romanticized portrayals of success and happiness in careers distorts our expectations.

3) Our beliefs

If we believe that work must be a passion and that happiness is just a matter of finding that passion — which we deserve and which surely awaits us somewhere — then it’s hard to accept when that feeling isn’t there.

Restlessness sets in, the questioning begins, and the search for the ideal job continues; the search becomes an escape, and the escape turns into job-hopping.

Bestselling titles like Tim Ferriss’ “The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9–5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich” perpetuate this idea, just like the countless other self-help books that promise quick and easy happiness and success.

Adding fuel to the fire are motivational speakers like Simon Sinek, who claim that “loving your job is a right, not a privilege.”

The Curse of Freedom of Choice

All this begs the question: how did we even get here?

Esther Perel, the Belgian-American psychotherapist, illustrates this brilliantly in her talks and books.

Perel explains how, in the past, our fates were determined by circumstances and tradition, and we didn’t have much influence over the course of events.

All our social roles and relationships were codified: it was clear who was supposed to do what, how and when.

Gender roles were rigid, life partners were more or less chosen for us, and we lived in the same place where we were born.

Jobs usually ran in the family, and work was just a means of survival.

There wasn’t much choice, and the path we chose was the one we followed for life.

Such a life was predictable, and in a way, it offered security — but zero freedom.

We were confined within a frame that was too narrow. 

Fortunately, times have changed, and we’re no longer so confined.

Or at least, we’re no longer forced to be.

For years, our options have been expanding — and now we’re in a unique position where we not only can make every major life decision ourselves, but genuinely want to.

Where do we live, with whom and how? Do we get married or not? Do we have kids, how many, and when?

Gender roles are fluid: Who makes the first move, who cooks, who picks up the kids from daycare, whose career takes priority?

The norms around these questions are still, in places, traditional — but to a large extent, they’ve loosened, especially in urban areas, so everything now has to be negotiated.

But negotiated how? Based on what criteria?

In the realm of careers, we decide: whether or not to go to university, which university, which job to take, which company to work for, which industry to settle in — and when we want change, where to go next?

Should I move up to a management role or specialize? Should I start something of my own?

In theory, we have an endless set of options that give us freedom — but also uncertainty, which fuels anxiety.

Nothing is prescribed anymore like it used to be, and everything is an open question.

So we can — and must — decide everything, but we don’t always know how.

We are lost within a frame that’s too wide.

Moreover, in the past, when options were limited, if we were unhappy — it wasn’t our fault, and we could reasonably blame our circumstances.

Whereas today, with infinitely more options, who is responsible when we’re unhappy (at work or anywhere else)?

The responsibility now rests almost entirely with us.

(If this phenomenon interests you further, I recommend the works of psychologist Barry Schwartz, and philosophers Pascal Bruckner, Alain de Botton, and Slavoj Žižek. The latter only for the brave ;)).

Principles, Not Recipes

How can we be happier at work — without getting lost in an endless search for the ideal?

I don’t believe in simple recipes for happiness, so I won’t try to share any here.

But I do believe in PRINCIPLES.

For me, a principle is an approach to life’s challenges based on a philosophy that makes sense to us.

When you have a principle for how you see things, recipes matter less — because they naturally arise from the principle.

Some of the most powerful principles I know are our values, gratitude, and personal responsibility.

Principle #1: Values

In a world where the only constants are change and uncertainty, personal values are like a compass on the open sea.

Without this compass, we drift aimlessly, trying to reach some mythical island where everyone is supposedly happy and successful — without ever asking ourselves which direction we actually want to go.

Without a compass in our career, we chase goals we think we should want, because others want them and they seem attractive:

• We aim for a higher position and salary, even though we’re actually yearning for more free time and less stress.

• We collect certificates to stay competitive in a field we’re not even interested in.

• We pursue more challenging responsibilities and end up working weekends, while claiming that family is our top priority.

On some level, we sense that these desires and goals aren’t truly ours — but derivatives of convention and trends, which we’ve simply absorbed and then internalized — sometimes so deeply that we can barely tell them apart from our real desires.

And then, when we achieve them, we may get what we wanted — but not what we needed.

Only when we know our value system can we see how (in)compatible our career goals are with what we deeply crave.

When we know what truly matters to us — and what doesn’t — and when we have a clear hierarchy of priorities, our choices become a reflection of internal principles.

It becomes easier to leave a job that makes us deeply unhappy, despite the fear of change.

It also becomes easier to stay in a job that isn’t maximally fulfilling — because we know what truly matters to us, and what price we’re willing to pay for that.

The questions I like to ask myself to uncover what truly matters to me are:

When I reach the end of my life and look back, how will I view the choices I’m making today? Will I be proud or disappointed?

And most importantly: What do I need to do now to make my future self proud?

Principle #2: Gratitude

Gratitude, for me, is the place where I can appreciate what’s already good while still striving for something better.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive — which really matters in a world where nothing ever feels like enough, where we’re hooked on more-more-more, where success means having a lot, and it’s considered normal to always want even more and even better.

As Hyman Schachtel put it beautifully:

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.

Gratitude helps shift our focus from what we don’t have to all the good things we already do — but tend to take for granted.

And it’s not about sugarcoating things or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not.

On the contrary, a lot of what’s good — in life and at work — slips by unnoticed.

That’s why, in my view, gratitude is a practice of being realistic, not optimistic.

Principle #3: Personal Responsibility

Responsibility is a concept we often confuse with blame or fault.

Responsibility is when someone’s actions cause something — good or bad.

But fault or blame – is morally loaded, because it carries an accusation: the person who caused something bad is guilty.

Earlier, I mentioned that when we’re not as happy at work as we want to be, we usually blame ourselves for making the wrong choices...And then we feel inadequate.

But we also often blame the employer for not giving us what we need — and that turns into righteous anger.

Neither response is constructive.

That’s why it’s important to separate our fault from our responsibility, and to accept that we’re ultimately responsible for how things are — without the added weight of blame.

And that’s actually good news: if we’re responsible, we also have power.

If we’re truly unhappy at work, our employer could be responsible for the cause of the problem — but not for the fact that we still work there.

Because we have the power to stay or leave.

If something bad happens at work — we have the power to decide how we interpret it, and how we respond.

And if we don’t know what we want from our career — we have the power to figure it out through structured inner work, by discovering our strengths, passions and interests and cultivating our sense of meaning and purpose.

Personal responsibility means refusing to hand over our happiness to other people or outside forces.

It also means rejecting self-pity and passive hoping.

It means stepping away from helpless questions like:

“Does my dream career exist?” (as if it’s out there waiting for us), and from self-blaming questions like:

“Am I just being spoiled?” or “What’s wrong with me?” (as if diagnosing the problem will fix it).

Instead, what matters is answering these two questions:

“How exactly am I contributing to my dissatisfaction — what thoughts and behaviors of mine are causing, maintaining, or escalating this state?”, 

and

“What specific actions can I take to make things better?”

Career as a Tool for the Life We Truly Want to Live

Finally, what if we completely flipped how we think about happiness at work?

Instead of treating our career or job as the starting point for happiness, what if we asked:

What kind of life do I actually want to live? With what purpose? What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind?

Then happiness at work would become a way to build that life — not the goal itself. And some people might even realize their career doesn’t matter to them as much as they thought.

Seneca said:

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”

So instead of chasing the perfect job or ideal career, maybe we could just enjoy building the life we want.

Then the pursuit of happiness would become a meaningful journey — not a constant chase after something unreachable.

And instead of getting lost in the pursuit of happiness — we might actually find happiness in the pursuit.

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