20 Jokes & Lessons From The Professions

20 Jokes and Lessons From The Professions Click on one of the 20 Pics shown

The Lawyer Silly Cross-examination By a lawyer "Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" "Were you alone, or by yourself?" "Were you present when your picture was taken?" "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?" "Did he kill you?" "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" "How many times have you committed suicide?" Reflection When one speaks unmindfully, one can utter ridiculous speech. CLICK

The Teacher The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)" Reflection Dishonesty does not pay. The consequences of cheating will show out sooner or later. CLICK

The Pharmacist A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!" Reflection How often have we made unwise presumtions and got ourselves into embarrassing situations? CLICK

The Accountant Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." Reflection: The cunning person thinks of ways to protect his own self-interests … little does he think of others’ welfare. CLICK

The Farmer An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples." "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree". Reflection : The ignorant person shows his stupidity through the silly speech he makes. Keeping silent is wiser when one does not really know. CLICK

The Cook Ali : My father is a teacher. He teaches in a Primary School. Lee : My father is a preacher. He preaches at the local Church. Samy : My father is a singer. He sings at the town pub. Ali : Hey, Fattie , what about you? What is your father? Fattie : At a Chinese Restaurant, my father works as a cooker! Lee : Ha! Ha! Is he a Sanyo, Panasonic or Hitachi? Reflection: Sometimes answers to questions cannot be just logically deduced. CLICK

The Policeman A policeman stopped a motorist, Ah Beng, for not having his headlights on although it was already quite dark in the street. Ah Beng, defiant, told the policeman rudely, “It’s stupid to switch on my car headlights … there is light everywhere … streetlights, moonlight, starlight …” The policeman was angry. He kept quiet but proceeded to release all the air from the 4 tyres of Ah Beng’s car. Ah Beng yelled, “Hey, what are you doing?” The policeman calmly said, “It’s stupid to have air inside the car tyres …there is air all over … here, there, everywhere!” Reflection: Today, so many have little respect for the law and act with defiance having little regard for the safety and good of others. CLICK

The Preacher A preacher was once giving a long sermon in the church. The congregation members were getting very bored and restless but none dared say anything. After a few others, the preacher noticed so many of the audience members were virtually asleep. He remarked, “Oh gosh, I must have been speaking for a number of hours. Isn’t there any wall clock in this building? From the back of the church, a teenage boy yelled out, “Father, there is a calendar right behind you!” Reflection Mindfulness is so important in whatever we do. We can cause others suffering through our lack of awareness. CLICK

The Doctor A man telephoned his doctor . “Doctor, my son has an infectious disease.” “ Then you have to keep him away from others in the house”, the doctor said. “ But you don’t understand. He kissed the maid.” “ Well, that’s too bad. We’ll have to quarantine the maid too,” said the doctor. “ And doctor, I kissed her too,” said the guilty father. “ This is getting complicated,” the doctor commented. “It means that you may also have got it.” “ Yes, doctor, and unfortunately, I also kissed my wife.” “ Damn it,” the doctor sighed, “now I will get it too !” Reflection Can a person escape the consequences of his wrong doing? CLICK

The Businessman A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it lavishly furnished. One day, while he was sitting at his office desk, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to impress the stranger, he picked up his phone and pretended he had a big deal working. After some time, he hung up and asked the visitor, “ Can I help you?” “ Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines,” the man replied. Reflection One who pretends or is dishonest will eventually be found out. CLICK

The Politician During the election campaign, two candidates for the office of mayor were engaged in a knock-down, drag-out debate. Finally one candidate jumped to his feet, pointed a finger at the other and challenged, “I dare you, Sir, to tell us about the powerful interest that controls you.” “ Now, wait a minute,” roared the second candidate. “you leave my wife out of this.” Reflection When the mind reacts negatively to something said by another, it loses its clarity and words which should not be said are blurted out. CLICK

The Bus Driver An elderly lady boarded a bus and asked the bus driver to excuse her as she had forgotten to bring along her pensioner’s pass. “ I am sorry, ma’am,” the bus driver said, “but you will have to pay the full fare without your pass.” The lady got extremely angry and she shouted, “You go to Hell !” A rather timid man at the back of the bus pleaded, “Lady, is it okay if I get off first at the next stop before the driver takes you to your destination?” Reflection: The words a person utters in anger or fury can frighten the wits out of innocent people. The words can bring about unpleasant consequences. CLICK

The Housemaid The woman was having an argument with her maid. Before leaving the room, the maid decided to say several things to the woman’s discredit. “ You might like to know,” she said, “that your husband told me only last week that I am a far better housekeeper and cook than you are. He also said that I am far more beautiful than you. And that is not all,” the maid continued. “I’m far better than you in bed.” “ I suppose my husband told you that as well,” the woman snapped. “ No,” the maid replied. “The gardener did.” Reflection: Beware! It does not pay to quarrel. The ‘dirty secrets’ of the quarrelling parties may be revealed in public. CLICK

The Journalist A Western female journalist had done a study and story on gender roles in a particular kingdom several years before a major war engulfed the kingdom. She was not happy to note that the women in this kingdom, by custom or tradition, would walk about ten feet behind their husbands. Recently, this same Western journalist returned to the same kingdom and she was pleased to observe that now the men would walk several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women and said to her, “Why, this is real progress … marvelous! What has caused women here to achieve this reversal of gender roles?” “Land mines,” the woman softly replied. Reflection How often have we changed our stand, view or principle to suit our selfish ends? CLICK

The Writer The famous author attended a party in her honour after her successful book made it to the bestsellers list. A jealous film actress struck up a conversation with the author. “I enjoyed your book very much. Who wrote it for you?” she asked sarcastically. “ Oh, I’m so glad you liked my book,” the author replied. “May I ask who read the book to you?” Reflection: When we utter sarcastic words out of jealousy, we may get a ‘dose of our own bitter medicine.’ CLICK

The Salesman A door-to-door salesman of vacuum cleaners went to the first house in a new housing estate. He knocked at the door, and a lady opened the door. Before the lady could say anything, the salesman ran inside the living room and dumped cow dung all over the carpet. “ Madam,” he said, “if this fantastic appliance can’t clean all that dung, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” “ You want tomato sauce to go with your dung?” the lady asked. “We’ve just moved into this house – no electricity yet. Reflection: Be careful of what one says or claims. Do not make presumptions. CLICK

The Librarian A middle-aged man who always regarded women as inferior creatures went to a library. He approached a lady librarian at the information counter. Man : Have you got a book titled, “Man, the Master of Women” ? Librarian : Sir, the Fiction Department is on the first floor of the Library. Reflection: We hold on to our conditioned thinking, views and prejudices very strongly…we need great effort to change such mental attitudes. CLICK

The Magistrate A woman was charged in court for traffic violation. She was brought before the magistrate. When asked for her occupation, the woman said she was a schoolteacher. The magistrate rose from the bench. He smiled at the woman and said, “ for years I have been waiting for a lady teacher to appear before me in this court. Now, you sit down at that table and write : ‘I will not break the traffic rules’ five hundred times’!” Reflection: There are people who bury in their hearts thoughts of revenge or of getting even with one for whom he harbours ill will or hatred. CLICK

The Shopkeeper A shopkeeper felt rather upset when a new shop selling things much like his own, opened up next door. The owner of the new shop put up a huge sign which read ‘Best Bargains’. Not long later, another competitor opened up for business on his right. The first shopkeeper was worried when this competitor put up an even larger sign reading ‘Lowest Prices’. The worried shopkeeper thought deeply until he came up with an idea. He put up the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’. Reflection Clever creative thinking goes a long way to helping a person solve a problem that is bugging him. CLICK

The Psychologist A distraught man went to see a psychologist. “How can I help you?” the doctor asked. The man said, “Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen of women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have sex with me. “And then what do you do?” the doctor asked. “ I push all the women away,” the man said. “ Then what do you want me to do?” the doctor asked. “ Break my arms,” the man replied. Reflection Some foolish people are willing to sacrifice an important thing for the sake of fun and pleasure. CLICK

The end CLICK May we GROW learning life lessons with humor With Metta, Bro. Oh Teik Bin

20 Jokes & Lessons From The Professions

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20 Jokes & Lessons From The Professions