Assertiveness, Art Of Winning 090418
- 1. 2008 Assertiveness, Art of Winning 果断力 , 双赢的艺术 Peiking University· April 18, 2009
- 2. Assertiveness as a Basic Skill Behavior Analysis Leary’s Rose Assertiveness Becoming assertive 2
- 3. Assertiveness as a Basic Skill Ultimate excellence lies not in winning every battle, but in defeating the enemy without ever fighting. Art of War “ 是故百战百胜 , 非善之善者也 ; 不战而屈人之兵 , 善之善者也 .” 3
- 4. Facing difficult situation, animals have two reactions: FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior 4
- 5. Facing difficult situation, human beings have more responses: FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior Assertive 果断 Assertive behavior 5
- 6. Assertive behavior : Aggressive and sub-assertive behavior are natural, but assertive behavior is not automatic natural behavior. It is a learnt skill. 6
- 7. Three types of most common behaviors Sub-assertive Assertive Aggressive Take care of others’ Take care of self Take care of self interest, without respect for interest with interest without self respect for others respect for others Be good (polite and Speak up what is Manipulating helpful) for others, doing inside you. people others a favor Willingness to Dominant, Avoid conflict, make a have dialogue ignorance, arrogant “nice” world …… …… Do extra work Do not speak up what is inside …… 7
- 8. 1. I’m OK - You’re OK. Assertive/creative I win - You win Thoughts/beliefs: Self-respect, and respect of others Positive thoughts and beliefs about self and others Believes that she/he is responsible for thoughts, feelings and behaviors Conflict is seen as an opportunity for transformation and change Behaviors: Feelings: Use “I” statements Self-confident Make eye contact Positive self-esteem Comfortable and secure within selfListen to people directly Aware of feelings Engage with others Trusting of self and others Ask open questions Connected to self and others Open body posture Ask for feedback from others Give positive and constructive feedba 8
- 9. 2. I’m not OK - You’re OK. Sub-assertive /passive I lose - You win Thoughts/beliefs: Lack self-confidence Lack self-respect Feelings: Behaviors: Feel insecure in self Hide from others Feel miserable Avoid eye contact Feel not worthy Close body posture Feel insignificant Do not hear positive feedback or give it 9
- 10. 4. I’m OK - You’re not OK. Aggressive/defensive I win - You lose Tho ug hts / b e lie fs : Lack self-respect and respect for others Negative thoughts and beliefs about self and others Believe others are to blame Conflict is seen as something to win and others to lose Fe e lin g s : Be ha vio rs : Lack self-confidence Blame others (language) Negative self-esteem Avoid eye contact Feel insecure in self Close body posture Lack of awareness Interrupts, talk over or shout sometimes Distrust of self and others Make statements rather than asking question Disconnected from self and others Give negative feedback Is overly critical and judging of others 10
- 11. 3. I’m not OK - You’re not OK. Manipulative/divisive: I lose - You lose Thoughts/beliefs: Lack self-confidence Lack self-respect and respect of others Negative thoughts/beliefs about self and others Suspicious and wary of others See conflict as something destructive Feelings: Behaviors: Feel insecure in self Avoid eye contact Feel resentful towards others Use negative language to talk about feel undeserving of praise Self and others Feel hopeless and depressed Do not hear positive feedback or give it 11
- 12. By effects, behavior: Effective behavior 有效行为 Non-effective behavior 无效行为 12
- 13. Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior “Think for yourself and question authority.” ---Timothy Leary (1920.10.22---1996.5.31.) 13
- 14. Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior Above （强大） Aggressive Leading 攻击型 领导型 Ⅵ Ⅰ Against(I) Together(We) 人之生也柔弱 , 其死也坚 强 ; 万物草木之生也柔脆 , 其死也枯槁 . 故坚强者 死之徒 , 柔弱者生之徒 . 是以兵强则不胜 , 木强则 折 ; 强大处下 , 柔弱处上 Ⅳ Ⅲ . 防御型 Bellow （柔弱） 依赖型 14 Defensive
- 15. Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior Above Ⅳ-2 Ⅰ -1 competing leading 竞争型 领导型 Ⅳ-1 Ⅰ -2 I aggressive We (Against) helping (Together) 攻击型 帮助型 defiant cooperating 反抗型 合作型 Ⅲ-2 Ⅱ -1 回避型 依赖型 Bellow withdrawing depending 15 Ⅲ-1 Ⅱ -2
- 16. Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior 16
- 17. Behavior incites behavior 行为引发行为 “I-oriented behavior” “I-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior” “Up behavior” “Bellow behavior” “Bellow ” “Up” “Non-activity leads to action by itself.” ---Tao “ 无为而无不为”—道德经 “ A good leader is the servant of his people.”---Tao “ 善用人者为之下” 17
- 18. Assertive behavior is: Choosing your behavior, not merely acting automatically on your feelings; Balancing between your own interest and the other’s interest. Effective, problem solving “ 故其有使失利 , 其有使离害者 , 此事之失 .” < 鬼谷子 : 决篇 > 果断行为作出 , 如果使自己失去利益 , 使他人遭受损害 , 这都是失败的行 为 18
- 19. Organization effects of Assertive behavior: Contribute to the wellbeing of organization Make corporate culture richer Save time, improve effectiveness and profit Make clear organizational communication More inventive and open to new procedures Can judge easier because of open mind Point out to the new global world in which China and its organizations play a prominent role, boosted by Olympic Games Make the West and East meet each other with a completely new vision and understanding for each other’s cultures Not challenge the leaders but challenging the competitive environment in which they work 19
- 20. Personal Results of Assertive Behavior: you feel good about yourself other people know how to deal with you reduce the level of interpersonal conflicts reduce a major source of stress feel free to express your feelings, thoughts and desires know your rights have a good understanding of the feelings of the other person with whom you are communicating have control over you anger 20
- 21. What is assertiveness? 21
- 22. Low status Not taking space No eye contact Concentration on the other No matching (non-verbal) Restless and unnecessary movements Touching the face all the time Stammering and low voice Shrinking yourself so that others won’t feel insecure around you 22
- 23. High status Lot of space Long lasting eye contact Concentration on the self No matching (non-verbal) No movements Poker-face Loud and steady voice Acting important so that others will feel insecure around you 23
- 24. Behavior Expert Has great skill in raising and lowering status Can cope easily with any situation by changing status Can choose behavior assertively Status is not what you are; It is something that you do. 24
- 25. ASSERTIVENESS 果断力 Assertiveness is the competency to choose effective behavior according to one’s own situation; during the process, one must sustain his/her own interest and same time respecting other’s interest, in order to reach a win-win situation. Assertiveness is a way of life, and a way of doing business, based on mutual respect and benefit. It is all about winning without war. 25
- 26. ASSERTIVENESS( 果断力 ) is a general science, which includes lots relevant competencies. Confronting ( 应对矛盾的能力 ) Daring/Taking risks( 敢于承担风险的能力 Initiative: operating autonomously/proactively( 主动性 ) Autonomy ( 自主力 ) Authority, influence ( 影响力 ) Resistance to stress ( 压力管理的能力 ) Self Steering ( 自我驾驭能力 ) 26
- 27. Assertiveness has three phases: Speaking up ( 敢于表达 ) Opening up ( 开诚布公 ) Standing firm ( 坚持立场 ) 27
- 28. Speaking up 敢于表达 The first basic phase is Being there . Communication starts with non- verbal behavior, which goes through all phases: Clothing/body: clean, without bad smell Sit/stand/walk, body remains straight Keep eye contact Speak loud enough, change intonation 28
- 29. Opening up 开诚布公 Put down mask after on the stage. “ 唯天下至诚 , 为能尽其性 . 能尽其 性 , 则能尽人之性 .” saying yes or no, when we want to ask favors and make requests communicate our feelings and thoughts in an open and direct way 29
- 30. S ta n d in g firm 坚持立场 The highest stage: “Standing up for yourself without needlessly offending other people” You have the right doing anything as long as it does not hurt someone You have the right to maintain your dignity by being assertive –even if it hurts someone else (provided you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e. being aggressive. You have the right to make a request from someone, as long as you recognize that the other person has the rights to say no. 30
- 31. Us in g “I” s ta te m e n ts The word “I” is your personal visiting card for all different kinds of relational situations. I statement can be used to voice one’s own feelings and wishes without expressing a judgment or blaming Standing up for yourself starts by using the word “I” Dispute resolution; conversation opener; constructive criticism State how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language 31
- 32. You Statements show a lack of respect for the other person put the blame on the other person can feel insulting or judgmental trigger defensive behavior undermine the other person’s self-confidence create resistance to change instead of cooperation can be interpreted as a disciplinary action
- 33. I-I-You feedback by Marieta Koopmans I I see/hear/read… I I feel You Involve the other person and ask: Do you recognize/understand…? Request what to be improved/changed.
- 34. Behavior Change( 行为改变 ) It is a complicated process, which takes long time. Unfreezing Changing Freezing （ old （ new （ new habit ） behavior ） habit ）固化 软化 形成 Through three ways: through thinking ( 通过思考 ) through feeling ( 通过感受 ) through doing ( 通过行动 ) 34
- 35. Assertive or Not ? It is all up to you. 35
- 36. Thank you ！ Wish you success and happiness! 董焱 (Jessica Dong) jessicady@163.com 13426347019 36