Difficult conversations
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This document discusses having difficult conversations in the workplace. It outlines that people dislike difficult conversations because they take time, involve emotions, and can cause conflict. However, having the conversations (action) is better than no action, as problems will escalate without action. The document provides a 3-step process for handling difficult conversations: 1) gain clarity on the issue by separating facts from feelings, 2) overcome the instinct to avoid the conversation, and 3) deliver the message in a direct but sensitive way using "I" statements. The goal is to have productive discussions to improve relationships and work productivity.
Difficult conversations
- 1. Difficult Conversations Difficult Conversations: April 2012 1
- 2. Domestics Difficult Conversations: April 2012 2
- 3. Objectives • Why we don’t like difficult conversations • No action Vs. Action • 3 steps to handling difficult conversations Difficult Conversations: April 2012 3
- 4. Why we don’t like difficult conversations • Takes time • Emotions (ours and theirs) • Conflict • Protection… Difficult Conversations: April 2012 4
- 5. No action Vs. action (1/2) No Action • Problems escalate • More people get involved • Legal complications • Cost of time, money, resources Difficult Conversations: April 2012 5
- 6. No action Vs. action (2/2) Action • Improved working relationships, reputation • More productive, efficient, collab oration • Feel – fair process, listened to - valued • Develops your skills, increased confidence Difficult Conversations: April 2012 6
- 7. 3 Steps to handling difficult conversations Step 1: Gain clarity Difficult Conversations: April 2012 7
- 8. Separate feelings from the situation I feel like saying… (negative) I should say… (positive) I’m sick and tired of working 70 hours a I could use more support from my co-workers as I week while you guys are playing golf every am unable to keep up with this challenging other day. workload. I should have been put on that project. That ? person is completely incompetent. You are not doing your work for this project ? on purpose because you dislike me. You think that this project is impossible and ? that it can’t succeed. You just want me to fail. You need to start working harder. You are ? lazy and I am going to have to fire you if you don’t start producing. Difficult Conversations: April 2012 8
- 9. Separate feelings from the situation I feel like saying… (negative) I should say… (positive) I’m sick and tired of working 70 hours a I could use more support from my co-workers as I week while you guys are playing golf every am unable to keep up with this challenging other day. workload. I should have been put on that project. That I feel like I could contribute to that project in a person is completely incompetent. meaningful way and would welcome the opportunity to do so. You are not doing your work for this project I need this project to get finished and your on purpose because you dislike me. participation is crucial, can I count on you? You think that this project is impossible and I recognize that I am taking some risks with this that it can’t succeed. You just want me to new project. This is necessary if we want to try fail. something new. I am hoping you can support me with this initiative. You need to start working harder. You are I have noticed your production is not meeting lazy and I am going to have to fire you if you expectations. I need you to improve, your don’t start producing. performance is affecting our overall team goal. Difficult Conversations: April 2012 9
- 10. Make your message clear Not clear Clear You didn’t present that topic well. I would have found more detail to be helpful. You need to improve your ? communication skills. You have a poor attitude. ? Your work is not professional. ? You’re not being strategic, and you’re ? missing the mark. Are you crazy? That’s a half baked ? idea if I ever heard one. Difficult Conversations: April 2012 10
- 11. Make your message clear Not clear Clear You didn’t present that topic well. I would have found more detail to be helpful. You need to improve your Spend a little more time listening and paraphrasing the communication skills. client’s needs. You have a poor attitude. Try showing a little more enthusiasm towards this project. Your work is not professional. I think if your work was proof read and reviewed more carefully before being presented to your clients, it would be more effective. You’re not being strategic, and you’re I think this project requires a more long term approach. missing the mark. It would be better if your plan included a forecast of the project over time. Are you crazy? That’s a half baked I think this idea requires a little more thought. Have you idea if I ever heard one. considered how this would work at our company? Difficult Conversations: April 2012 11
- 12. Step 2 Overrule avoidance Difficult Conversations: April 2012 12
- 13. Step 3 Deliver the message Difficult Conversations: April 2012 13
- 14. Direct or Indirect Vs. Sensitive or Insensitive Sensitive 4. It’s part of my job to point out problems and ensure we’re 3. Is there any chance as effective as possible. Lets there’s something here work together to figure out you’re not seeing? how to do that effectively. Direct Indirect 2. You’re passing the 1. There is a problem with buck, and you have to the way you work. change. Insensitive Difficult Conversations: April 2012 14
- 15. Your turn Match statements to the relevant box Difficult Conversations: April 2012 15
- 16. Direct or Indirect Vs. Sensitive or Insensitive Sensitive 4. I received feedback that 3. Have you thought at all others are having difficulties about how you interact working with you. Lets with others? explore how to change that. Direct Indirect 2. People don’t like you, you 1. We have poor working have to get better at relationships with each working with others or else. other. Insensitive Difficult Conversations: April 2012 16
- 17. Techniques to avoid • Ordering, directing: ‘you have to…’ • Warning, threatening: ‘you’d better not…’ • Preaching, moralizing: ‘you ought to…’ • Advising, giving solutions: ‘why don’t you…’ • Evaluating, blaming: ‘you’re wrong…’ • Interpreting, diagnosing: ‘you need to…’ Difficult Conversations: April 2012 17
- 18. You Vs. I ‘You’ language (ineffective) ‘I’ language (effective) You are constantly asking for I see the documentation procedures being exceptions when it comes to sidestepped, and I want to explore with you how to proper documentation. make it better. I would like to begin meeting with you once a week to look at specific tension spots and brainstorm solutions… You are continually late and I have noticed that your meetings aren’t as effective you show up unprepared for as the rest of the team’s, and I want to discuss how we your meetings. can improve them. What do you think is important for an effective meeting? You aren’t collaborating with I received feedback that team projects aren’t getting the rest of the team and much of everyone’s full attention and I would like to you’ve managed to make change that so that every team member is helping them all dislike you. them. Let’s talk about how we should be contributing to these projects. Difficult Conversations: April 2012 18
- 19. Overview • Step 1: Gain clarity • Step 2: Overrule Avoidance • Step 3: Deliver the message Difficult Conversations: April 2012 19
- 20. Objectives • Why we don’t like difficult conversations • No action Vs. Action • 3 steps to handling difficult conversations Difficult Conversations: April 2012 20
- 21. Questions? Difficult Conversations: April 2012 21
Editor's Notes
- #2: Do: IntroductionsVery informal learning session today. We are restricted by time but would like all to openly discuss and ask questions when they need to. "The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes." --Tony BlairHandouts: n/aDuration: 2-3 mins http://www.bananaparkconsulting.com/Ideas/PARTNERing_for_Success.asp – go here for statistics“The art of communication is the language of leadership.“ – James Humes author and former presidential speechwriter.“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Anthony Robbins – American writer“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” ― Henry Winkler - American actor, director, producer, author
- #3: Do:Talk through.Duration: 30 sec
- #4: Read through the slide. Say: this session will provide you with some tools and techniques to help you with handling the difficult conversations.Duration: 30 sec
- #5: Ask: Why we don’t like difficult conversations Activity: facilitate group discussion. Flipchart responses.Find out what is the key driver for them that makes them avoid having difficult conversations.Duration: 2-5 min
- #6: …what happens when we don’t deal with them and when we do - repercussionsDuration: 2 min
- #7: Say: Now we are looking at the effects of managing and not managing performance.Read through slide.Duration: 1-2 min
- #8: Refer to slides 3, 4, 5 – so far we have talked about barriers or things that stop us dealing with difficult conversations. Now we’re going to talk through practical tools to help you deal with difficult conversations in a more positive and proactive way.Many of the barriers are related to emotions – negative emotions. To gain clarity we need to remove these emotions and the hold they have over us. Duration: 1-2 min
- #9: Activity:what is the positiveyou would say? Ask group to work in pairs and discuss.Handout: slide copy.Duration: 5-10 min
- #10: Note: What are the key differences between the 2 columns? Keep feedback objective and away from being personal. Ensure you’re stating what you would like to happen not what the problem is. I.E. be solution focused not problem focused. Enthuse and motivate people towards your goal when you can e.g. no. 3.Duration: 4 min
- #11: Say:Do you ever feel like you’re giving feedback to help someone and you feel they don’t understand what you’ve said? Could it be that your communication wasn’t clear to them? Activity – How would you phrase the statement in a more clear way? Ask group to work in pairs and discuss.Handout: slide copy.Duration: 5-10 min
- #12: Note: What are the key differences between the 2 columns? Be factual and not personal. Focus on what you see/hear/smell etc. Your belief will be different from another’s. Be specific e.g. ‘your work is not professional’ means different things to different people and therefore your comment will mean nothing to the recipient. Be solution focused not problem focused. Ask the other person for their thought on the subject e.g. no. 6 or, this is what I think, what do you think? Duration: 5 min (30 min)
- #13: Say: All the emotions and barriers we talked about at the beginning. Those are the things we have to overcome in order to transform that difficult conversation into an easier conversation. Some conversations will be difficult but that doesn’t mean we shy away from them. In fact, they are generally the conversations that will make a difference to your work relationships, and add the most value.Duration: 1-2 min
- #14: Duration: 1-3 min
- #15: Talk through slide. Vague, cant be certain who its directed to.2. threatening, most negative / aggressive method.Passive.Honest and assertive, gives an explanation as to why the change is needed and opens up involvement from the other person.Duration: 5 min
- #16: Activity: Give group example and let them decide which section the responses go in.Handout: statements from next slide required.Next slide for correct response.Duration: 5-10 min
- #17: Talk through slide. Vague, cant be certain who its directed to.2. threatening, most negative / aggressive method.Passive.Honest and assertive, gives an explanation as to why the change is needed and opens up involvement from the other person.It will take time and practice.Duration: 5 min
- #18: Duration: 2 min
- #19: 1. The issue 2. Whatoutcome do I want3. How will we do itActivity: Ask group to think of an issue they have with their team, work in pairs to practice giving the feedback and having the conversation with that person. Handout: Copy of slide Duration: 10-15 min
- #20: Duration: 2 min
- #21: Duration: 2 min
- #22: Handout: Training evaluation formAll relevant handouts will be sent to them via email.Duration: 5-10 min Total Duration: 1hr, 10min