Dwarf
- 2. Dwarves, originally invented by J.R.R Tolkien to scare his children have flourished in fantasy society. The dwarven mythos is somewhat similar to Russian society, burrowing deep into mountainsides to achieve goals unbeknownst to the rest of the world. Dwarves have beards. (But no pubic hair due to the Chernobyl disaster). Disney Entertainment later used Dwarves to scare the rest of the children of the world. The seven dwarves, a rapacious band of hoodlums were cast in the the first movie to shock the world and request banning by it’s original owner (Clockwork Orange).
- 3. John Rhys Davies was actually the first person to ‘cross dress’ into dwarven attire. He acted in multiple movies while in this attire, such as The Shawshank Redemption and Schindlers List. He was rejected from the set of Apocalypse Now for being too ‘gook-like’, according to the director. John Rhys Davies died of a broken heart at the age of 107. His beard was real.
- 4. Garden Gnomes are referred to as ‘faggot dwarves’ by their full- blooded dwarven peers. The first garden gnomes were a product of a promiscuous dwarf having sexual relations with David Attenborough. (To the right you can see a ‘Child Of Attenborough’) Not to be confused for their dwarven counterparts, garden gnomes are incapable of growing beards and must instead buy their beards from specialty stores. 86% of the garden gnome population consists of homosexual males. The left over 14% is slowly being wasted away due to self-loathing, the ‘Children of Attenborough’ are slowly dying out.
- 5. A rare condition, known as ‘Stainpantsmiyosis’ sometimes occurs in members of the human race. This condition is incurable. Approximately forty people around the globe are affected by this illness, they have created a LARPing group. (RIGHT): A victim of Stainpantsmiyosis. Notice the small dark stain at his nether region.
- 6. Dwarves have taken on a new role in the ‘World of Warcraft’ (WoW) mythos. Instead of communist mountaindigging ruffians, the WoW creators have turned dwarves into the prostitutes of Azeroth. Any player who chooses dwarf from the beginning of the game has to take it repeatedly in the anus or mouth from any other player who sees fit. Night Elves, as labeled by the WoW development team to be the ‘supreme’ race, have, with their intentionally drawn ‘giant phalluses’ nearly fucked dwarves into extinction. (RIGHT) A dwarf noting the appearance of a player in the distance.
- 7. Dwarven representation in the Wizards of the Coast games is strong. Khelgar Ironfist (right), given his name for his exploits at the cow-fist competition many decades ago. Although there are dwarves in these games, it should be noted that Neverwinter Nights sucks, and should never be played under any circumstance. Shield Dwarves are generic. The other Dwarves are just Shield Dwarves with darker skin.
- 8. Also known as midgets, half-dwarves are ostracized by both human and dwarf races. Devoid of both a soul and any bodily hair, a midget must procure both through means of trickery. Due to their small hands, midgets make horrible tennis players. Midgets also make horrible table tennis players. (RIGHT): A midget who got what was coming to him courtesy of James Bond.
- 9. At its essence, dwarven culture is essentially like an episode of Melrose Place. Shannon Doherty is the Queen of the dwarves (right). Even though she was in Beverly Hills 90210. Melrose Place is a good show. Shannon Doherty was also in Charmed. Charmed was a good show.
- 10. As ancient and mystical as the Spice Girls, dwarven music is a highly prized specialty. The most famous dwarven musician ever was Kid Rock. Kid Rock, whilst writing very bad music was applauded for being a dwarf. Kid Rock also had a dwarven girlfriend, Pamela Anderson. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson both died of Hepatitis C, aged 56.
- 11. Dwarves, as a whole attend the Scientology religion. They are huge Tom Cruise fans. Scientology, as shown to the right is fond of building bridges. Dwarves have built many bridges for scientology. The most famous bridge ever built by dwarves for scientology was the golden gate bridge.
- 12. The main enemies of the dwarven race are known as trolls. These critters often make their homes under dwarven built bridges, causing nuisance. Trolls have no genitalia, and so must reproduce by pollen contained in their hair. Trolls were in charge of assassinating JFK. (RIGHT) Hans Killfield, a troll Colonel responsible for approximately eight million dwarven casualties.
- 13. A game about Dwarves, Dwarf Fortress is created by a toad. With impressive artwork and color scheme, Dwarf Fortress has won many awards for its art design. Dwarf Fortress is a must- see for anybody who can spend 20 hours learning how to play The Dwarven Hammerer is a good character. (RIGHT) A mess of ASCII.
- 14. The word ‘Dorf’, equated to the word ‘Nigger’ by dwarven society is a horrible racial slur. Dorf, in short referrs to a dwarf with a disfiguring disability, such as mental retardation. A notable Dorf is Ben Stiller, suffering from severe cranial dysfunction. Dorfs have been around since the middle ages. (RIGHT) A classical Dorf suffering upon a rock.
- 15. Married to Shannon Doherty, Jack Black is the King of dwarven society. Fabled for his folk tale entitled ‘tribute’ Jack Black is known to have slain at least two demons. Jack Black, like all dwarves enjoys the hoarding of gems and other valuable merchandise. Jack Black has no heir, this is a problem for dwarven society. (RIGHT) Jack assessing a situation closely at court.
- 16. The ram, often ridden by dwarves for pasttime is the backbone of dwarven infrastructure. Rams are used for food, labor and milking. The dwarven garbage collection system is run entirely by rams. Ram horns are a valuable commodity in dwarven society. (RIGHT) A ram chilling after a hard days work before he heads to the slaughterhouse.
- 17. This map is the last remaining fragment of the dwarven origin. Found in Hitler’s own bed after his fall in Berlin. The map, according to world-renowned proctologists leads to a certain point inside of Rosie O’Donnel’s rectum. The mystery of the dwarven origin has never been uncovered. Nobody can read those letters, Tolkien knew how to but nobody has bothered to read enough of his crap to decipher them.
- 18. Porn utilized by the dwarven race is peculiar indeed. Dwarf porn often comes in cartoon variety, as dwarves have an innate disgust at their own bodies. The dwarven female is always overweight and sprouting excess pubic hair. Dwarven female breasts are often hairy. A dwarven mating ritual is called ‘digging the tunnel’
- 19. The dwarf pornography industry thrives even to today. Male dwarves have a normal size-body ratio for penis size (small). Dwarves are innately distrustful of breasts, and seek to climb them instead of fondling. A dwarf with shaven pubic hair is often ridiculed by his peers. Dwarves are known to have children in litters.
- 20. By Dargron.