Epic Fail
- 1. 3 0 F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 1 6 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M F ive years into our adoption when a friend of mine made passing reference to a book chapter she had recently read,the title,“People I Have Failed to Help,” stuck with me because two faces instantly came to mind.I have certainly failed to help more than two people,but these specific fail- ures remain deeply imbedded in my heart. First came the distorted face of a beggar,a burn victim and amputee who sat outside a shopping center inYinchuan,a city where I lived and taught in China after college. Curling his streaked,twisted limbs around himself on a scrap of dirty cardboard,he would look up at me curiously from half- melted features every time I entered the store, too surprised at my foreign appearance to motion for cash. Having grown up in the church singing an old Sunday School song about two men who healed a lame beggar,I used to long for this man’s healing.My internal sound track would beat the lyrics into my brain as I pounded the pavement.“Silver and gold have I none/but such as I have give I thee/In the name of Jesus Christ/of Nazareth,rise up and walk!”Only my own uselessness would rise up,burning into my throat; being short on healing powers,I’d offer him lunch instead. Silver and gold wouldn’t buy him a miracle, but there was a KFC around the corner. THE SECOND FACE WAS MORE PERSONAL. While everyone’s adoptive decision comes with a backstory,my own pull toward adop- tion arose from that deep,fierce longing to do something about human pain.Too squea- mish for medical work,I studied psychology instead and joined college clubs that worked with disadvantaged youth,finally settling on a teaching career and a family plan of sibling group foster care adoption.I had discovered that most of the boys we visited at a nearby group home had spent their lives in and out of foster care,and that few of the older ones had a chance of being adopted; all the thera- py in the world could do little to address the root cause of their antisocial behavior — the daily pain of neglect,disruption,and lack of belonging. When we eventually finalized an adoptive placement of four siblings,each of the chil- dren began to make strides.Personal hygiene improved,IQs rose,antisocial behaviors modified,anxiety dropped.Throughout featureBYLAURAH.WILKINSON Parenting With Hope in Hopeless SituationsParenting With Hope Epic Fail?Epic Fail?
- 2. F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 1 6 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M 3 1 the years,we watched our children begin to thrive in their communities — birthday par- ties,mainstream classrooms,sports teams, play dates — as“normal”kids. ALL EXCEPT ONE. All of our children struggled with difficult behaviors and various diagnoses,but in one of them the old behaviors persisted beyond reason over the course of years,and some- thing even worse always came to replace the occasional extinguished behaviors.Not only that,old behaviors resurfaced whenever my husband and I relaxed our vigilance.Rewards failed to motivate,consequences failed to deter,attachments failed to form.So when I heard the phrase,“People I Have Failed to Help,”I saw the face of my own son. Many adoptive parents have similar stories that drip with the frustration of watching every gut-wrenching effort on behalf of a hurting child fall impotently to the ground — or be pushed violently aside.People naturally feel uncomfortable about the idea of true parenting failure,because of the success-driven nature of our society,and they may spend a lot of time trying to tell you that your“negativity”is the real culprit in your view of your child.While outside perspectives can help parents notice good things that they might otherwise overlook, don’t feel guilty if your daily interactions lead you to believe that things aren’t going well. Although we kept our eyes open for positive signs and continued to seek various forms of professional help for our son,the difficulties increased in scale and complexity over time, and we just couldn’t seem to find any strat- egy that led him to lasting internal (or even external) changes past a certain point. Truthfully,there will always be people who seem to defy rehabilitation,because the ability to reach meaningfully and healingly into the life of another person requires a complex set of cooperating factors,most of which elude outside control.Adoptive parents should grieve those failures in the lives of their children,but also embrace real oppor- tunities to live out their calling in the lives of those they cannot seem to help. CELEBRATE TINY THINGS. Our daughter used to pick things apart all day,from favorite toys to her own skin.We celebrated her progress toward less destruc- tiveness by rewarding her each time she went even a few hours without picking anything apart,and eventually these small victories led her to bigger ones.When it came to our son,however,we had to look for tiny victo- ries,not just small ones — so I thanked him the time he stole my swimsuit but returned it to the laundry basket when he was done with it instead of hiding it in his closet,and took a few minutes to breathe a sigh of relief on the rare occasions when he rolled his eyes at us for pointing out that he hadn’t done his homework,instead of pretending we were all crazy and the teacher must be lying.Even the tiny things can be blessings,so take the time to notice them,laugh and be genuinely thankful. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE (AND WHO YOU AREN’T). Whenever we worked to help him develop simple functional habits for home,school or play,my son would go around for hours in senseless argument,no matter what evidence pointed to the contrary,no matter what con- sequences he incurred,and no matter how the wasted time thwarted his own personal desires.When the crazy-making became too intense,I’d pull back for a moment to remind myself where he stopped and I began.We were not the same person. You are not your child.Remember that you may feel frustrated by your child’s desire to reframe reality in the face of overwhelming evidence,but she does not have the power to turn that reality into her own version of it.Remember that whatever decisions your child ends up making with her life,you have already made your own decisions,and have the power to continue doing so.You will live with the results of your own decisions,and not with the consequences of hers.Think of this mental separation exercise as a deep breath of fresh air,clearing jumbled thoughts enough to re-enter the interaction with a less panicked response,or to see the warning signs and end it when meaningful progress stalls. KEEP TRYING BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE. As we came to know and understand each of the other children,we began to develop par- enting methods that worked with each child’s strengths and weaknesses to help him or her reach new goals and exciting achievements. feature BYLAURAH.WILKINSON
- 3. 3 2 F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 1 6 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M featureBYLAURAH.WILKINSON When it came to our son,however,his child- hood trauma seemed to have left him devoid of any driving passions beyond the pleasures of the next five minutes.No direction seemed right.We tried trauma therapy,psychotherapy, equine therapy,physical therapy,multiple assessments,so many interventions,rewards, and love/logic-based consequences,and not one got through.Even amid those feelings of futility,however,parents should remember that each day truly provides new opportunities for every child.If you keep trying,something might get through — at least the message of your love for him.You could never promise to solve your child’s problems,but you did promise to be your child’s parents,and you can follow through on that promise to parent him no matter what.You may lack the power to change your child (since we cannot change others),but don’t give your child the power to change you. GIVE HER WHAT YOU CAN. Although we felt grief and frustration that our son could not accept the most valuable gifts we offered him — a sense of belonging,a hope for the future,opportunities to build relationships and develop character qualities,and skills for a functional adulthood — we decided to be thankful for the things he could accept,while continuing to hold out the other gifts as well. Although it may be tempting,don’t withhold the things your child is willing to receive just because she turns down the more important things you want for her.She may refuse train- ing in life skills,but be willing to eat an ice cream cone or watch a movie with you instead. Smile at her when you catch her eye.Scratch her back if she can’t reach an itch,pass her a tissue when her nose runs,and celebrate your similarities when she likes the same flavor of yogurt as you.It won’t solve her problems,but remember she will enter a harsh world — give her some kind memories to hold onto when you can’t be there to catch her anymore. CREATE POSITIVE INTERACTIONS. We have a regular schedule of taking our kids out for relationship-building,one-on- one activities that happen regardless of their behaviors at home in order to help them feel our unconditional interest in them as people. The never-ending stream of uncompleted homework and chores,irrational arguments, food refusals,explicit drawings,stolen per- sonal items,and general“creepy”behavior around the house put spending one-on-one time with our son quite low on my list of desired activities,but that also meant we both needed it more,not less.Even the most difficult children have positive qualities that their antisocial behaviors can sweep out of memory.He may use his imagination to find new self-destructive practices,but an imagi- nation is a good thing to be celebrated.She might scowl and frown,but her face lights up when the sullen behavior breaks for a few minutes.Taking your child to do something special that he likes will help you discover or rediscover the positive things that contribute to his individuality.If necessary,make a list of those things as you discover them.Point them out to your child whenever you find a chance to do so,because everyone needs to feel good about him/herself. LOVE HIM ANYWAY. In the worst moments,I fell back on the truth that I couldn’t control whether or not I liked my son,but I could decide to love him.Give yourself permission to feel however you feel about your child.When every interaction results in continued frustration and heart- break,when she tears all your trust to shreds day after day,when he violates your boundar- ies repeatedly with no sign of understanding or remorse,positive feelings toward your child would be crazier than negative feel- ings.Fortunately,the old concept of love as an action holds true.You can love your child — give her what she needs inasmuch as you understand it — whether you like her or not. Remember the story has not ended. This is a short chapter in your child’s life, and you are only one of many characters. For this child,maybe you aren’t even a main character.Your child probably has many more years in which to learn the lessons he seems unable to accept from you,and to receive the love he has rejected for now.Sometimes amid fears of parenting failure,parents forget all the people and situations that had powerful impacts on their own lives.Your child will experience a lot of life between now and the end,and some of it will get through,even though that seems impossible right now. Failure to help someone for whom we would have given our lives can cause great distress and sadness,but after acknowledging those feelings,a new perspective might bring real hope to parents of challenging children.Our children,like many adoptees,came from an emotionally and physically impoverished environment where their constant trauma and anxiety never gave them a chance to thrive.On the worst days,it helped to just go and stand in my son’s room.I saw a cozy space just for him,a soft bed with a quilt,toys and books on his shelf,smiling photos on the bulletin board,participation certificates from archery and self-defense classes on the walls — I saw a place where no one abused him,where he could hear music instead of screaming,where he went to bed with a full stomach every night. Sometimes I still think about that injured beggar in China.Compared to his need for new arms and legs,fried chicken seemed a poor substitute,but it was a kind interaction that filled his belly for a moment.For that moment,he had a better life.When all we can do seems tiny — momentary — in compari- son to what we wish to do,adoptive parents can cling to the reality that their loving deci- sion to bring the child into a place of safety and plenty has already helped in concrete, practical ways.❁ ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Laura H.Wilkinson is a Midwestern freelance writer,former teacher,and the parent of six children,four of whom joined her family through foster care adoption.Names have been changed.