Gep 2016 #4 Connection and Acceptance part 2
- 1. Class #4 Greg and Theresa Jackson CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE Part 2 notes. You will need to download it to see notes.
- 2. “Good Enough Parenting” Model
- 6. T H E C O R E E M O T I O N A L N E E D F O R C O N N E C T I O N A N D A C C E P TA N C E
- 8. D E F I N I T I O N The Core Emotional Need for Connection and Acceptance can be defined as the state a child lives in when he feels completely attached to his parent in a healthy way, that he belongs, and that he is accepted and loved unconditionally.
- 9. AT M O S P H E R E In order for the Core Emotional Need for Connection & Acceptance to be met, children need to consistently and at an emotional level hear and believe the following messages from and/or about their parents:
- 10. T H E Y T H I N K I A M S P E C I A L .
- 11. They are truthful and honest with me. They talk to me in a respectful way.
- 12. T H E Y A R E P L AY F U L A N D S P E N D T I M E W I T H M E .
- 13. They believe and guide me. They are proud of me even with my flaws. They miss me when I am not around They care about deep feelings, both mine and theirs.
- 14. O U T L I N E F O R C O N N E C T I O N A N D A C C E P TA N C E •Identify exasperation interactions •Define Lifetraps •Preventing Lifetraps and Roadblocks •6 Lifetraps highlighted by some great cartoons •How each Lifetrap has characteristics of exasperation interactions at the core that prevent core emotional need for connection and acceptance being met.
- 15. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S •What are they? •“That really pushes my buttons”! •Trigger points •Certain interactions that cause exasperation in our children and ourselves. •This exasperation eventually leads to the children experiencing a frustration of their core emotional needs not being met.
- 16. N E W T E S TA M E N T E P H E S I A N S 6 : 4 Paul admonished parents: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
- 17. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S •1. Belittling •2. Perfectionistic & Conditional •3. Controlling •4. Punitive •5. Emotionally Depriving & Inhibiting •6. Dependent & Selfish •7. Overprotective •8. Pessimistic •9. Overly Permissive
- 19. L I F E T R A P S •1. Mistrust and Abuse •2. Defectiveness and Shame •3. Emotional Deprivation •4. Social Isolation / Alienation •5. Emotional Inhibition •6. Failure
- 20. 1 . M I S T R U S T / A B U S E •The core message of the mistrust/abuse lifetrap is, “I cannot expect others to treat me in a fair, considerate or just manner. I should expect to be hurt (emotionally or even physically), lied to, manipulated, and taken advantage of. Others always have their own agenda.”
- 23. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S •Belittling “brat” •Perfectionist and conditional •Punitive •Maybe Controlling •Emotionally depriving and inhibiting •Pessimistic
- 24. E F F E C T S O F M I S T R U S T A N D A B U S E •Alistar as a grown man is dealing with mistrust. It permeates his life and relationships. •He is skeptical and may impugn others motives.
- 25. D A N G E R S O F M I S T R U S T & A B U S E •Struggle trusting others •Choose abusive partners…and allow to be abused. •Become “savior” of others and express outrage against perceived “abusers”. •Twist people’s behavior and motives constantly. •Sometimes even become abusers.
- 26. M I S T R U S T / A B U S E • There are different kinds of abuse: Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Abuse, along with the Abuse of Neglect.
- 27. E M O T I O N A L A B U S E C O M E S B Y S E V E R A L M E A N S H O W PA R E N T S , S I B L I N G S A N D T H O S E I N A U T H O R I T Y S P E A K T O C H I L D R E N I S O N E F O R M . •Things that are really minor mistakes are handled as if it’s a major disaster. •Tend to over react to things in general •Home becomes a place of “walking on eggshells” instead of a safe place. •Unpredictable reactions are anticipated.(Never quite know what you’ll get.)
- 28. E P H E S I A N S 4 : 2 9 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
- 29. E M O T I O N A L A B U S E •How would you define emotional abuse? •From the cartoon Alistar’s father reacts with anger, belittling, berating words like “brat”, sarcasm- “you don’t work”.
- 30. S A R C A S M •Sarcasm- does not go without effect on others. You may see it as harmless but it is not always harmless or “just kidding”. Words go down deep and it may be what stifles heart communication and prevents connection and acceptance to be felt by your child. It becomes hard to trust what’s said by the hearer.
- 31. S A R C A S M •the use of irony to mock or convey contempt. •synonyms: derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing; irony; cynicism
- 33. Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:32 The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
- 34. Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:23 A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly. Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- 35. S E X U A L A N D P H Y S I C A L A B U S E I S A N O T H E R F O R M O F A B U S E T H AT W I L L C A U S E T H E L I F E T R A P O F M I S T R U S T A N D A B U S E . We have to take an active role in protecting our children and their innocence. Matt. 18:6…but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.
- 36. WAY S T O E D U C AT E Y O U R S E L F A N D Y O U R C H I L D A G A I N S T A B U S E . Your in charge of protecting your child’s innocence. Watch your children in other peoples homes. Be involved -don’t check out! Even when your in the same home.
- 37. WAY S T O E D U C AT E Y O U R S E L F A N D Y O U R C H I L D A G A I N S T A B U S E . •When your children are in others homes with out you make sure you know whats going on who is in the home, what movies are being watched who is supervising play. • Some parents have come up with a “no spending the night policy”. •Don’t be naive, educate yourself -commit to learning. Strive to be one step ahead of your children when it comes to being in the “know”.
- 38. WAY S T O E D U C AT E Y O U R S E L F A N D Y O U R C H I L D A G A I N S T A B U S E . •Kids are much more technological savvy than parents. •On-line predators come in every sex and age just like they do face to face. •There are entire task forces to deal with internet crimes against children. There are detectives that still say they are “one step behind the bad guys.”
- 40. Unless your child is independently wealthy your paying for the cell phone. It is yours, you set the perimeters. Know apps, accounts and passwords.
- 41. It is comforting to know that forgiveness and healing are available when abuse does occur, however, if possible, let’s prevent abuse from happening in the first place!
- 42. 2 . D E F E C T I V E N E S S / S H A M E The core message of the defectiveness lifetrap is, “I am not good enough. I am inherently flawed. Anyone who truly knows me could not love me.”
- 45. T H E E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S C A U S E D E F E C T I V E N E S S , F R O M PA R E N T S A N D T E A C H E R S . •When parents use words like “useless”, “idiot”, “stupid”, and “good for nothing” (or “waste of space”), it leaves devastating scars. • Parents or siblings may chalk it up to “good-natured teasing”, but it is completely opposite to building connection.
- 46. E X A S P E R AT I O N S A N D R O A D B L O C K S •Our little girl here shuts down and shuts out her dad’s words. She is thinking about what she is going to do next. She is being shamed as a way to motivate. •Perfectionist and conditional •controlling parent •As an adult she carries this inherent feeling of “I am not good enough, never have and never will be good enough.
- 47. 3 . E M O T I O N A L D E P R I VAT I O N The core message of the emotional deprivation lifetrap is, “I cannot expect others to be supportive of me and care about what I need.” Emotional deprivation is about insufficient empathy, nurturing, and/or not receiving guidance and direction.
- 50. E X A S P E R AT I O N S A N D R O A D B L O C K S •Parents overly permissive are not available just too busy doing their own thing day in and day out. •They are not there to talk thru the difficult issues their child is facing. They begin to think that it is wrong to talk about their emotions. •When children are deprived of love and are left to themselves they become angry and lonely.
- 51. E X A S P E R AT I O N S A N D R O A D B L O C K S •As adults they fear they will never be loved enough. •Even when the child does open up the parents not listening. Parents did not adequately empathize with her. When the child was ready to open up parents were unavailable or rushed. •When the child was ready to open up parents were unavailable or rushed.
- 52. E X A S P E R AT I O N S A N D R O A D B L O C K S •May Lee is acting out her feelings of not receiving the emotional connection with her parents. They are busy with their own lives. •She becomes disrespectful to others in authority in her life and will hide her true feelings and act out. •As an adult May Lee is thinking that what she feels and thinks aren’t important. Her husband is probably lost trying to figure her out.
- 53. 4 . S O C I A L I S O L AT I O N O F T E N H A S R O O T S I N D E F E C T I V E N E S S Social isolation – the outside is different, therefore can’t fit in. They feel out of place because of external factors. Defectiveness – inside voice says that something is wrong with the person or that the person is unlovable. Something is wrong with me.
- 54. 4 . S O C I A L I S O L AT I O N O F T E N H A S R O O T S I N D E F E C T I V E N E S S The core message of the social isolation lifetrap is, “I am different from other people and do not fit in.” The feelings of isolation and being alone stem from feeling apart from any group or community, and too different to belong.
- 57. D I F F E R E N C E S T H AT C A N M A K E C H I L D F E E L I S O L AT E D A N D N O T B E L O N G . •Different race, nationality, ethnic group, religion, •Being behind in school, being way ahead! •Being “rich” or being “poor”. •Parents are divorced or not raised by parents.
- 58. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S O R R O A D B L O C K S •Belittling that it is a concern the child has that they are different. •Emotionally Depriving and inhibiting by exaggerating of the problem child feels or by minimizing the problem the child feels. •Parents can be overprotective by not being actively aware of situation and don’t know what to do
- 59. 5 . E M O T I O N A L I N H I B I T I O N The core message of the emotional inhibition lifetrap is, “I should not express myself or show my emotions. I should always be in control.”
- 62. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S O R R O A D B L O C K S •Children are not allowed to be themselves, their emotions are not right or should be expressed, belittled by their parents or others for their thoughts and feelings. Overprotecting and Controlling. •Not free to make a lot of noise, one parent wants things quiet. Excited behavior has a place but not here. This boys parents would hardly talk. •Some societies believe emotions should be contained. •This family may walk on “eggshells”.
- 63. T H E E F F E C T S O F E M O T I O N A L I N H I B I T I O N A S A N A D U LT. •Inhibited to share opinions •He/she lacks confidence •Very task oriented by not “feeling” •Will give the proper response but not really in touch with how he/she feels. •These children can become adults that have low emotional IQ called EQ.
- 64. 6 . F A I L U R E The core message of the failure lifetrap is, “I am fundamentally incompetent and have failed, am failing, and will fail again in the future. I am less talented and successful than other people.” The focus of this lifetrap is on achievement and external status symbols of success, rather than on the internal feeling of shame and inferiority that is present in the case of the defectiveness lifetrap.
- 67. E X A S P E R AT I O N I N T E R A C T I O N S O R R O A D B L O C K S •Some kids have a harder time in school than others and they can feel like a failure. Perhaps they have a harder time with the form of teaching techniques. •Perhaps they excel at things that their parents don’t value as much. •Gunther was definitely being compared to others with what his dad valued. •Pessimistic outlook •Perfectionist and conditional