How Not to be a Bender
- 1. An Educational Brand Book How NOT to be a Bender
- 2. You don’t hear much about hockey players in the media, probably because they don’t get in trouble like NBA, NFL, and MLB athletes, and let’s face it, ESPN doesn’t care about us. The truth is, hockey players are a special brand of fun loving, fowl mouthed, stick wielding, ice acrobats. And if you’re thinking about joining their ranks, there is a lot you need to know if you don’t want to look like a fool. This guide will teach you!
- 3. Vocabulary Lesson Plug - A really bad player who serves no useful function to the team. Like an ape on skates. Bananas are a tropical fruit, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- 4. The Gear You don’t want new gear. Everything else should have BATTLE SCARS, even if they’re not yours. Sticks, gloves, helmets, and skates can be new. Bad Good
- 5. If you look like a rook, this could happen to you: Earn Your Salt 1. Steal the rook’s mouth guard 2. Spray some water on it 3. Cover it in salt – be sneaky so he doesn’t wash it off 4. Watch his face
- 6. Find Your Mask Are over 18? Yes N o Did you play juniors or better? Are you a badass? Do you have dental insurance? Do You like fish? What about birds? Get a fishbowl Get a birdcage Does your insurance cover eyes? N o N o N o Yes Yes N o Get a Halfer Yes Yes No mask Yes Yes Have you ever scored? Yes N o START HERE Frequently? Yes N o Ever fought? Yes N o Are you a girl? N o Yes Do you have a celly? Yes N o Are you playing with benders? N o Yes Care about your face? Yes N o
- 7. Know Your Role Part 1 Snipers - These guys could knock the ref’s whistle out of his mouth from 50 feet and they score more goals in one season than most guys score in their lives. These guys have the softest mitts on the team and can send sweet, sweet sauce, tape to tape anywhere on the ice. They may have an extra eye or two, because they see everything. Pair one with a sniper and watch that lamp light up. Playmakers - Danglers - Basically stick wizards. Physics doesn’t apply to them and after they put the puck through your chin strap, slide between your legs, and and tuck the biscuit in the basket, you should check to see that you didn’t lose your jock.
- 8. The Locker Room A place where fowl things dwell, but are never to escape. It’s kinda like Vegas without the gambling, drugs, and hookers.
- 9. Vocabulary Lesson #2 Terms for Scoring Sniping Twine Putting the Biscuit in the basket Light the Lamp Going top Shelf Going Bar Down Going 5-hole Roofing it Bottle Knocker
- 10. Vocabulary Lesson #3 Don’t Be These – Terms for Bad Players If your teammates are calling you any of these, it means you suck… Bender Tripod Duster Pylon Sieve 4th Liner
- 11. Don’t complain about the smell, embrace it as the scent of glory.
- 12. How to Get Dressed Adopt a routine and stick to it. 1. Jock 2. Shin Pads (Left First) 3. Socks (Left First) 4. Pants 5. Skates (Left First) 6. Elbow Pads (Left First) 7. Shoulder Pads 8. Jersey 9. Helmet 10.Gloves (Left First) 11.Mouth guard It doesn’t matter how you get dressed, everyone has their routine. The key is sticking to it, no matter how bizarre; we’re a superstitious people and fear the wrath of the Hockey Gods. This is mine
- 13. Don’t break your routine, it angers the hockey gods. Right skate first! What blasphemy is this? I sentence you to a 12 game scoring drought.
- 14. Pro Tip - Pranks Skate Tape 1. Grab some clear sock tape 2. Find an unattended skate 3. Put a strip on the blade 4. Watch that sucker fall on his face
- 15. Injury Playable Notes Broken Finger Yes Tape that mini-twig up and keep playing. Cuts Yes Unless it's life threatening, stop the bleeding, then get back out there. Broken Foot Yes Get some pain killers and keep going. Broken Ribs Yes Try not to get hit there again. Punctured Lung Yes Unless it's collapsed you can play. Tooth Loss Yes Forget the Chiclets, you can get new ones later. Broken Jaw Yes Put a mask on while healing, problem solved. Broken Arm/Wrist Maybe If you can hold a stick, you can play. Separated Shoulder Yes Pop it back in and hop back in. Bruises Yes Bruises aren't injuries, this isn't soccer. Broken Leg No Finish your shift and get that checked out. Concussion No The doc won't let you, but if you don't tell him… Torn Ligaments Maybe Depends where it is, knees mean know, fingers mean yes. Broken Nose Yes Not really an injury, shove some tissues up there and keep playing. Muscle Strains Yes Play through it and stretch better next time Time for: CAN YOU STILL PLAY?
- 16. Pro Tip - Pranks The Mummy 1. Get a couple teammates 2. Grab a role of saran wrap 3. Have your teammate immobilize the victim. 4. Wrap him up good and tight Bonus: Leave him in Zamboni snow.
- 17. Style Guide - It’s not what you wear, it’s how you rock it Pants Suspenders are still cool, so wear those britches right. Saggers will be crushed and carted off.
- 18. Pro Tip - Pranks The Ego Adjuster 1.Take Mr. Ego’s helmet 2.Adjust it so that it’s on the smallest possible setting 3.Let him try to cram it onto his head 4.Pepper in phrases like: “Bucket too small for that ego, eh?”
- 19. Style Guide - It’s not what you wear, it’s how you rock it Your Jersey and You Back Tuck Says either your pants are too big or your jersey is too small and you don’t care. Full Tuck Go home. Side Tuck Tuck it top hand side, you’re a dangler. Wrong side, wrong sport. No Tuck The classic style fit for all players.
- 20. Know Your Role Part 2 Grinders - They may not have much skill, but they’ll work you to death in the corners and come up big on penalty kills. They’re the role players that don’t get the glory, but make it possible. You might think these big fisted face mashers are useless, but they’re actually important. See, without the goons, people could hurt the snipers, danglers, and playmakers. The goons keep those guys safe, they’re like hockey’s police force. Goons - Goalies - Okay, goalies are crazy. Really, they’re jumping in front of speeding projectiles and they like it. They’re a special breed, so you better protect them. A simple rule, bad guy touches goalie, bad guy dies.
- 21. Style Guide -Taping Your Stick Yes No Unless you’re a goalie, keep that knob thin and tight. It’s not a club. This is a black or white issue, no colored tape. Protect that blade, tape it heel to toe.
- 22. Unless you’re in squirts, don’t do special designs. You’re just embarrassing yourself. (if you have a hatty every game, do whatever you want)
- 23. Know all this:
- 24. 2 or more ~200 lbs objects colliding at a combined 60 MPH Hitting Believe it or not, there are rules for hitting in hockey. You can’t: • Leave your feet • Target the head • Hit a player without the puck • Hit knee to knee • Use your stick • Use your hands • Take 3 or more strides before contact • Hit from behind The simple version is: don’t be a jackass
- 25. Hitting You can still rock some worlds. Here’s how: 1. Find the puck carrier 2. Line him up 3. Build up some speed 4. Glide before contact 5. Get low 6. Lean in with your shoulder 7. Make contact at rib-height 8. Drive up and through with your legs 9. Watch the yard sale.
- 26. Kids, keep your heads up.
- 27. Danglology 101 Hockey has many sick dangles, the all time classic is the Toe Drag.
- 28. Others to see and know: Spin-O-Rama Thru-The-Legs Windmill Flip The Forsberg Anything Datsyukian
- 29. The Shots The Slapshot If you’ve got time and a clear lane, let one of these fly. aka: Clapper or Howitzer The Wristshot It’s your most accurate shot, but it takes a little time to get off. The Snapshot It’s Mr. Popular. Hard, accurate, and quick to get off. It’s all in the wrists, Chubbs, the wrists. (see: Happy Gilmore) The Backhand No, it’s not dead. Use this sneaky shot on dekes and rushes. You don’t hit the puck, you shoot it.
- 30. Pick Your Shot Do you have the puck? Yes N o Why are you thinking about shooting? Are you in the offensive zone Yes N o Don’t shoot. Where in the offensive zone? Point SlotCircles Dots Is the goalie down? Rip a wrister top 90 short side Snap it low far side. N o Yes Is it a breakaway? N o Yes Snapper over the blocker. Deke and roof a backhand. How’s your wristshot? Anybody in front of you? Ba d Good N oYes Will you hit them? N o Yes Rip a wrister top 90 far side Move… Time to wind up? Blast a slapper N o Yes Snap it over the pad Anybody in front of you? Are your guys in front? But I wanna shoot high. It’ll cause a blocked shot breakaway. Don’t shoot. Low slapper for a deflection. Your teammate doesn’t want a puck in the chops. Don’t be an idiot. N o Yes Blast that biscuit. Will you hit them? N o Yes N o Yes Get the puck . I’m pretty sure you have other things to worry about right now… Move… Start Here
- 31. LIGHTING THE LAMP – The Celly Sniping twine is one of the best feelings on earth, enjoy it with a sick celly. What’s a celly? These:
- 32. Forget the Touchdown Dance We love celly’s so much, they’re a legit part of practice Some Classics: • The Cowboy • The Kayak • The Swordsman • The Fire Hydrant • The Swimmer • The Running man
- 33. If some tripod is doing too many celly’s you gotta put him in his place It’s time for BEAKS No, not these beaks.
- 34. Beaks or Chirps Either way, you’re talking smack. Hockey rules for smack talk: 1.Nothing’s off limits 2.Be clever 3.Be personal 4.Don’t do it if you can’t back it up 5.Do it away from the refs 6.The most distracting beak is the best
- 35. Here are some other things that could land you in the cubicle of shame. The Sin Bin Fighting Roughing Slashing Hooking Holding Cross-Checking Boarding Checking from behind Spearing Butt-ending Interference Diving (hint, hint, soccer) Instigating
- 36. It’s not a fun place, you don’t want to go there. Cubicle of Shame
- 37. What’s with all the beards?
- 38. Zeus had a kick-ass beard, why shouldn’t we?
- 39. Okay, it has nothing to do with Zeus, sorry big guy. The beard is a playoff tradition. So long as your team is still fighting for the Cup (or 38 cent medals) you keep your beard growing It’s a symbol of Strength, endurance, and toughness. It says, “I will conquer all.” Or with being cold.
- 40. Post-Game Now that you’re all smelly and the game is over, what’re you supposed to do. Uh… relive it for the next 15-30 minutes as you peel off all your gear. • Bag on teammates who made bad plays • Brag about the sweet plays • Complain about the refs and the benders on the other team Things you could do:
- 41. The Shower You stink… Soap + Sandals. ‘Nough Said
- 42. At Home Air that bacteria farm out. This is hockey, not chemical warfare.
- 43. Hopefully This Helped Good Luck and Don’t Forget Your Cup