How to get out of theTreadmill
- 1. How to get out of the treadmill - Taking control of your own life and work- How to get out of the treadmill Shock Look and Learn Create and Do Reflect Shock The mental treadmill is also called the ‘rat race’. But most people would say that they are not part of it. That it applies to others but not to them. This is a clear example of denial. The huge amount of symptoms (sleep deprivation, health issues, time pressures, lack of enthusiasm, divorce, hyper-consumption) tell the real story. It is part of our culture to be part of a treadmill. At least for most of us. In many (social) activities we are ‘naturally” motivated to be part of a treadmill. When we are born into our family, we are forced (by carrot and stick) to behave in line with the rules of the family. We are a good baby and a good child when we do what our parents expects us to do. When we don’t do this, we will be punished, either mentally or physically. Already at a very early age we are forced to be part of the treadmill of the family. Next we go to school. And again we are a good student when we behave in line with the teacher’s instructions. When we don’t perform or act strangely our parents are informed and we are threatened to be expelled from school. Here again you will find the punish/reward cycle to motivate us to stay on the treadmill, in this case the treadmill of school. When we continue our education exactly the same process takes place. We are good students when we behave in line with the teacher/professor’s instructions and we are ‘bad’ when we cause trouble. Then we start to take a job. Here we enter a treadmill which is very stubborn, we might even be in it until we retire! We are ‘good’ employees’ when we do what our boss expects us to do. We are laid off or get no salary increase or no promotion when we don’t move in line with the speed and the direction of the treadmill. The reward is our salary and the status which comes along with our position. If we are driven by status, the treadmill will have an even stronger impact. We then will become dependant on it for how we feel and how we behave also outside of work. Another treadmill which comes along is that of having a relationship (marriage/living together). We are a ‘good husband/wife’ when we behave in line with the significant other’s expectations. In the beginning when everything is new and exciting it is fun and very stimulating, but after a while
- 2. when the newness wears off, it becomes a routine, sometimes a nuisance, in short a treadmill. So, when we are approximately 25 years old we are running in several treadmills, all at the same time. But we are still young and everything is new, so we don’t mind. When the years proceed this is becoming less exciting and more dull. You might even start to feel less happy. Especially when you realise that you are stuck in these treadmills. Why are you stuck? Well, you have bought a house (with a mortgage) and you have children. So, you need the money for both. You might consider having a divorce but that means financial problems and parental issues. So, you decide to continue like all your friends are doing as well. And you have seen your parents do the same. At that time you joked about it, but now you find yourself in the same position. We are totally in the grips of the ‘tyranny of expectations’. We think, act and behave constantly to meet the expectations of others. And in the process we totally forget who we are and what we want! Seth Godin calls this process that we want to belong to the tribe. And when we are part of the tribe, we are forced to apply the rules of the tribe. The longer we run in these treadmills, the bigger the distance from our own authenticity. It is only when we are facing difficulties in one (or more) of these treadmills (family, financial, career) that we are driven to have a serious look at what is happening. In my case it started with being kicked out of my work-treadmill. Then my wife left me and I had to sell the house as well. At the same time my father died and my mother became depressed. So, there I was, all treadmills came to a stand still, or they continued but I was kicked out. That was a huge challenge and it was a blessing in disguise at the same time. Now I had to start thinking about who I was and what I wanted to do in life. I did know very well what others expected me to do and I was really good in meeting those expectations of others. But now I was out there, literally on my own and I felt really tired, Running in all these treadmills for such a long time takes its toll on all levels. This is were the shift took place. The shift to look inward, rather then outward. It felt like I had to start from scratch with my life. What do I want to do, what do I like, where do I want to live, what is my passion, how can I contribute to others, what is meaningful and brings in some cash? All these questions were popping up in my mind and keeping me very busy. Answering these questions requires a major mindset shift. A shift from being focused at others towards being focused on myself. Tony Robbins call this the difference between external locus of control ( I feel good if others like me/reward me etc) and internal locus of control (I can only feel really good with and inside myself). I had to find an answer to all of these questions. Nobody was pushing me, but I wanted to take control of my life, I wanted to get to know myself. And I wanted to learn to be independent from the opinion of others, The only thing which matters is how I feel about myself. It is really a 180 degree shift: first it was the external world which had power over me and which determined how I did feel and now it is the other way around. I have the power inside of me and how I feel has an impact on the external world. Mike George calls this inside-out thinking vs outside-in thinking. Economists describe an emotional phenomenon as the “hedonic treadmill”: We work hard to acquire more stuff but feel unfulfilled because there is always something better, bigger, and
- 3. faster than in the present. The distance between what we have and what we want, the ‘margin of discontent’, widens as the number of things we own increases.In other words, the more we have, the more we want. You will practically understand that you were running the treadmill, when you are kicked out. For instance heart failure will force you to be out of the treadmill. When you take a distance it becomes easier to see what you were doing. And what a lot of others are doing. When you really observe and notice what you were doing, you may start to consider making a change in your life. This is challenge number two (number one is coping with the consequences of being kicked out of the treadmill):what is it that you want to change and how does it look like?! I would say that this really takes quite a lot of time and effort. Some changes are quite obvious, like stopping with smoking and/or drinking alcohol. But other changes need thorough contemplation: ● Who am I really? ● What do I want to do with the rest of my life? ● What is my passion? ● How can I do meaningful work? ● What can I contribute to society? ● How can I see my children more? ● How can I stop with unhealthy habits? If you take the time to answer these questions you will start to look at the life that you have lived and also at your unlived life. “Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. “ “How many of us have become drunks and drug addicts, developed tumors and neuroses, succumbed to painkillers, gossip, and compulsive cell-phone use, simply because we don’t do that thing that our hearts, our inner genius, is calling us to?” Steven Pressfield, The War of Art This can be shocking and revealing at the same time. You might see that your life is not really that different from the lives that your parents lived. And whom you did despise for that. It might reveal that you have suppressed your real passion for money or status. Around 75% of the people regret NOT doing something that they really wanted to do. I did have a chance to go to the Olympics with the England field hockey team ( I had to become a UK citizen then), but I declined. The reason was that my father would stop financing my study at the university. So, that would mean giving up my education. You also have to know that at that time hockey was an amateur sport only. The fear prevented me from making that move. But still I do regret this, I would have loved to have this experience. Another missed opportunity is that I would really like to travel the world for a year or so. Ten years ago I had the opportunity, but not the guts to do it, as I needed to find work. Well that is still a challenge, but now my
- 4. finances will not allow that trip. So, fear prevents us from doing what we want to do. You have to conquer that fear, as these regrets will hound you for the rest of your life! However from a ‘work’ point of view I did change my Corporate job into being an entrepreneur. As such I did do many different endeavors (coach; writer; employee engagement; gold trader; financial trader; innovation, social media, climate change). They were not very successful from a financial point of view, but I love the experience, what I learn about this business and myself as well as getting to know a whole lot of interesting people. Okay, it is an adventure, but don’t we all love to be travellers and discover new territories? The learning in itself is invaluable and fulfilling. You will find obstacles on the road of living your unlived life. But when you have an attitude of learning you will continue and grow and make progress. Your life will be much more fulfilling and surprising. That has a beneficial impact on your physical well-being as well. it is never too late to listen to your inner voice and to follow your heart! And slowly this whole other world opens up, because now you’re not just a player, or trying to play like somebody else. It isn’t just other people’s expression. I can start to express myself, I can write my own music. It’s almost like a bolt of lightning. -Keith Richards, Life Look and Learn The treadmill is a very mean tool. You don’t know that you are on it and by the time you notice it, it becomes very challenging to step out of it. When you step on any treadmill for the first time is is exciting, because it is a new experience. Then as time progresses the excitement wears off. This is a slow and gradual process, like the frog in the hot water. If you throw a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But when you put the frog in cold water and heat it slowly, the frog will get boiled in the end! This happens to us as well. These are some questions to test whether you are getting boiled: ● am I making any progress? ● am I learning, continuously? ● am I enjoying myself? ● is my enthusiasm still there? ● are the results as planned? ● am I easily bored? ● am I easily frustrated?
- 5. ● am I easily distracted? ● am I lacking energy? Also it is crucial to bring in outsiders on a regular basis. Outsiders are people with (complete) different experiences, knowledge, and education. They will help you to have a good market-in view and they will challenge you on what you are doing: is it really disruptive or just only a small improvement? To get the most out of these meetings you need to be open-minded and willing to step out of your comfort zone. For instance, I had a meeting with a Human Resources start-up and the founders have worked in that industry for most of their careers. What they are offering is a relatively small improvement to what others are offering. But, they do think that it is a big deal. Only when you bring in outsiders (which preferably also encompasses your customers), you can start to have a better look, a detached look. Another example was a coaching organization which planned to attend a fair. They wanted to hand out flyers with nice texts. They thought that this was really differentiating. Only an outsider can point to the fact that all participants give away cards and flyers. Again, you have to face up to your own resilience, as you will be shown that there might be a better way of looking a than you thought. Of course you can train yourself to play this role as a detached observer. I always explain that you can’t have the whole overview when you are playing on the field. You will have a better view high up in the stadium. That is why many sports teams have their observers sitting there (football, field-hockey). It is even better to be in a helicopter flying above the field. So, imagine that you are flying above your own life, your own job, your own start-up..... your own treadmill. What do you see? Do you like it? What would you like to change? Learning applies to new ideas, topics, people, situations and other newness. Expose yourself to newness on a regular basis. You can read about art when you never did that before, buy a magazine about flowers, even when you don’t have green fingers, visit a new town, take the train when you always travel by car. In other words, surprise yourself! The best way to do that is all around the corner. There is no need for big investments. Just open the blinders and see that there is more to see and experience it in your own environment. Create and Do Start your own journey. One step at the time. I would suggest to try out different things at the same time. In that way the journey is faster and more interesting. You will be surprised at how many things that you can do in a day when you are not disrupted by other people. For example: early in the morning start with practising meditation, after that go for a run, then have a shower and breakfast and you will be immensely empowered to start your work. Work on that idea, give it water, nurture it, be kind to it. Only by working on it, you can get to know whether it is a good idea, whether it will work, whether you really love to do that work or whether it is attractive for others.
- 6. Here you have to make the switch from thinking into action. Otherwise the idea is just hot air. Only when you gain real life experience you will see what is needed to make it work. Many start- ups have written a business plan in the beginning and then they started the journey. Most of them have (successfully) taken a complete different direction after that. That is fine. The outside world changes and you change as well, so inevitably your plan and direction will change as well. Daniel Pink even says “There is no plan”. Just get started. it is good to think what you want and to think what would be nice and meaningful to do. That prepares your mind and intellect for the journey. And also here the proof of the pudding is in the eating. I did start with a coaching practice. And then I did find out that some of my talents were idle and I didn’t like that. So, I did design a new offering for employee engagement. While I was focusing on coaching and employee engagement I discovered that my real passion was service innovation. That passion has been there for many years (it was the common denominator of the great many jobs that I have done) and now that passion became visible to me. It was only through gaining that (other) experience that it emerged. It is only in the doing where you can find out what you like and what you don’t like. If you are thinking that you would love to do horse riding, (which you have never done before), the only way to find out is actually doing it. Then your experience will tell you to stop (because you are afraid) or to continue (because you love it!). You could have never thought this only. It is in the doing that you will discover what fits and what doesn’t. However it is key to take these new initiatives very seriously. I call this: Give it a serious try! Seriously try to make them successful and enjoyable, see whether the new idea suits and fits you. You can only get the right experience when you try seriously AND when you try to be your best. Put in all your talents, capabilities and energy. Then you will find out whether it works. Otherwise the ‘not-serious’ try is a waste of your time. It is no coincidence that many start-ups are initiated by young people. Why? Young people don’t have so many limited beliefs ( “I can’t do this’; I don’t have enough knowledge/experience’) as older people. Their neural pathways are not so deep and fixed into their system. Also the comfort level is not so high yet. Young people don’t own big houses (and mortgages) and they are not ‘chained’ by relational commitments (spouse, children) either. That makes it easier to dive into the deep without a safety belt on. Nevertheless, you can also make the jump when you are at an older age. The main key is to make sure that your thinking, your mind remains young, or becomes young again. If you really are fed up with your current treadmill, than you can escape it and create your own life, consciously and sustainably. Downshifting provides the means and the space to start up something new. This sustainable behavior is the joint outcome of the three pillars of the Triple G model: money (geld), eco-friendliness (groen), health/well-being (gezondheid/welzijn). Living with Less - Jeanine Schreurs
- 7. it is crucial to keep your mind young, to keep it focused on newness and not on the past. To do that you have to ongoing feed the mind with positive, new information and also meet positive, new people. New information is not reading the traditional newspapers and consuming all the negative news they report (wars, accidents, gossip etc). You have to carefully curate the information which you will allow to entry your system. Social media is ideal for this purpose. You can read blogs, listen to podcasts and connect with interesting, challenging and like-minded people. it is also very fulfilling to collaborate with young people. In that way you stimulate each other and you can learn from each other. So, be young again! Reflect As most people are running in treadmills, it is very important to notice whether you have just created a new treadmill for yourself. It is quite a strong habit. Therefor you can set up a new habit, to check whether you are in a new treadmill or that you are really doing what you LOVE to do! Here is a set of questions that you can ask yourself. Checklist: ● Am I still enjoying the trip? ● What have I learned? ● What was the best experience? ● Who did I meet? And who do I like as companions? ● What do I like about the environment? ● Am I still moving in the right direction? ● Is there a better, more promising track to take? ● What do I need to be fulfilled? ● What resources are working well and which are lacking? This checklist is only effective when you use it once every quarter. This is a good frequency to seriously try out new activities and it is an early indicator whether you are getting boiled. It is crucial to regularly have a look at yourself in this mirror of life and reflect on how you are doing. In the doing you can only gain the experience and get to know what you like and what you don’t like. Try it out and based upon your experience you can continue or take another direction. These are actions which you take while you are out there playing on the field. It is the same thing when you are driving in your car and there is an accident and the road is blocked. At that point you either have to wait or follow the deviation, or decide to go somewhere else.
- 8. Regularly (once per quarter) it is recommended to detach completely and and check whether you are still moving in the right direction. You can check how you feel about your journey, are you enjoying it, are you meeting new friends, are you getting energized or just tired? These quarterly reflections help you to make sure that you are not ending up in a new treadmill, with the same problems as you have just escaped. How can you be that detached observer of your own life? Here are some tips from Mike George Here are seven ways that may help you to ‘detach’, if not a lot at first, then a little at least, in a variety of situations. 1 Change your relationship from possessor to trustee Use when you get too attached to your possessions. Remind yourself nothing actually belongs to you. From the highest perspective, which is the spiritual perspective, you cannot own anything. However, you are a ‘trustee’ of every ‘thing’ in your life until the time comes for someone else to have it in their life! Often we have little or no say when that will be. 2 Let go Use when you are holding to a specific opinion/position. Next time you find yourself in an argument disarm the other by simply saying, “I don’t agree with you but I accept that is your point of view. Tell me more so that I may understand why you see it that way” Remind your self that everyone has a different point of view because everyone is viewing from a different point. So no one is right. Trying to be right and prove ourselves right is one of our most popular happiness killers! 3 Practice giving Use when you recognise yourself to be always wanting/desiring something from others. When you want something you are already attached to the object of your desire (including certain behaviours that we ‘want’ from others). Where? In your mind. Almost all of us learn this habit from the moment we are born. It often sounds like, “Gimme gimme gimme!” This habit can be weakened and eventually broken by consciously practicing ‘giving’ free of any desire for anything in return. 4 Mentally rehearse different outcomes Use when you are fearful of change in and you are ‘attached to’ and ‘comfortable with’ the way things are. Or when you are holding on to some form of self-limitation (I can’t). All the top performers in most sports now realise the power that comes from mental rehearsal or visualisation. Take a few minutes to visualise future changes as a preparation to accept and embrace those changes if and when they do arrive. ‘See’ yourself doing what you previously thought you couldn’t. As you practice you will find that you naturally start to ‘let go’
- 9. of the ‘image’ of the way things are and the ‘idea’ that ‘I can’t cope’. 5 Don’t identify with the situation/outcome Use in any process, anytime and anywhere in life. This simply means don’t make your happiness dependent on something outside your self, especially the results of yours or others actions. Don’t wait to achieve some goal before you give your self permission to be happy (content). Be contented whatever the outcome of anything. Happiness can be a choice and a decision, not a random experience or a dependency. Do something good, and in the ‘process’ of the doing of the good, you will notice happiness arising naturally ‘during’ the process and not just at the end. If it doesn’t then you probably need to review your definition of goodness. 6 Imagine someone else dealing with the situation – how would they deal with it? Use when your attachment to something or someone is obviously influencing your ability to interact calmly and clearly with others. Take a moment to imagine how someone whose wisdom you respect would handle the situation. This loosens your mental grip on ‘your way’ and weakens your habits of reaction. If they are nearby ask them how they would respond. The conversation alone will allow a more detached perspective to crystalise within your consciousness. 7 Look at the situation through the eyes of the other party Appropriate in all conflict situations – this forces you to mentally release your attachment to one point of view and to generate understanding and empathy. Ask, listen, ask, listen, ask, listen, is the secret to understanding the others point of view. As you do you will see though the eyes of another and free yourself in the process. They too are then more likely to realise their fixation on ‘my way’ and become more amenable to ‘other’ ways. It’s no accident that the aspiration towards this kind of mutual understanding underpins most conflict resolution processes. If you do decide to practice and experiment with any of the above it’s perhaps best to mention that you are doing so! Until the ‘other’ clearly understands the true meaning of detachment i.e. that it does not mean you do not care or that you are avoiding, there is a good chance they will find your intention either threatening or confusing. Mums the word…as they say in some parts! If you regularly check your experience as well as your direction, you will feel and be the master of your own life. You are really living your own life and no longer living the life of others. Then you don’t have to be fearful to be pulled into the treadmill again. You can ' t go back as the chicken cannot return to the egg. Now I am a threat to those people in the treadmill as I show them their own unlived lives. And that is scary! They also know that they cannot influence or manipulate me as my self esteem
- 10. would not let them. The critic hates most that which he would have done himself if he had the guts. Don’t mind what others are doing. focus on who you are and what you love to do. It is your life which counts!! This checklist helps you to reflect on your progress and whether you are getting boiled or whether you still feel fresh and alive. On a daily basis, you can instill the habit of setting one hour aside to create and to be inspired. This will increase your motivation as well as your productivity. It is recommended that you set aside one hour a week to generate new ideas. "one hour, predictably scheduled, no exceptions and no violations. This is not time to do work. This is time to think about work." Todd Henry So, instead of running in treadmills, you can be a traveller and discover your world! Enjoy the journey!