Institutionalized
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The document narrates the experiences of a young person and their brother as they navigate their time in a mental hospital, including reflections on their family dynamics, struggles with identity, and interactions with other teens in the facility. It portrays the chaotic environment of the hospital, the relationships formed, and the challenges faced by the characters as they grapple with their circumstances. The story highlights themes of mental health, camaraderie, and the search for understanding amidst personal turmoil.
Institutionalized
- 2. ©2103 Kelly Dessaint Piltdownlad Publishing PO BOX 86714 Los Angeles, CA 90086 www.kellydessaint.com
- 3. INTRODUCTION my little brother was eleven, we Fort McClellan, outside a place - - - ting into trouble at school with my outlandish wardrobe and FUCK YOU attitude. And then there was Rick… Not like a sore thumb in small town Alabama, he was always out in the yard trying to get all buddy-buddy with the local like Anniston. was in a Christian group home and I was in a mental hospital. For me, things were looking up.
- 4. THIS IS A TRUE STORY but you should never believe everything you read
- 5. 1. HILLCREST SUNRISE HOSPITAL was there. It was an innocent enough question. During the three months I was on the adolescent ward, I would ask the same question to all the admissions that arrived But on the day I showed up, I didn’t know what to say. I’d Joey and me to a mental hospital. dumped us when we were originally taken into custody, were going to a new place in Birmingham, where we’d be with other kids our age. Birmingham! 3
- 6. Resources, where Clorise told us the old man and had been arrested. some stupid reason, that nothing really bad would happen to you’re healthy.” cool.” Neither did Joey. In the waiting room, he looked at me like a newspaper and said, “Put this on.” 4
- 7. want any more needles stuck in me. chrome disk on my chest, no popsicle stick on my tongue, “Just go ahead and roll over on your side,” the doctor that’s all.” pain that was about to shoot through my entire body. But just as I thought he was taking his sweet time about it, the dressed now.” From the medical center, we went to a drugstore where the ladies told us to get whatever we needed. Joey and I each grabbed a basket and ran wildly through the store collecting items. I ended up with two spiral 5
- 8. increased with each mile between us and Anniston. I listened to Black Flag on my headphone and stared out the a neighborhood with brick houses and manicured lawns processed. Joey was assigned to the youth ward and I was getting split up, Joey started crying. “You said we were gonna stay together!” he bellowed in to calm him down. 6
- 9. just temporary. It won’t be so bad.” I didn’t know what else “You’ll see your brother all the time,” Clorise said as she led him away. “Don’t worry.” I was led into a room where a woman separated my belongings into two piles: the things I could keep and the bright side, I got to keep my notebooks. But not the pens. second pile and I couldn’t hold back anymore. level.” the bandana.” I pulled out the loops and studs that ran up the side 7
- 10. “Yeah.” “I’m going to need your shoelaces as well.” I heaved a sigh. I really tried to hate this lady. But she one on the right was congested with toiletries and books, so I set my bag on the unoccupied bed. I pulled the heavy luck. “Everybody is in the common area right now,” Rosie said. “Follow me.” multiple voices getting louder with each step. Rosie pushed open another double door and we entered a large room with about thirty teenagers gathered in clusters on chairs I noticed a guy with long hair wearing a Rush t-shirt at the pool table. My homemade Anarchy shirt trumped his a 8
- 11. “Everybody, can I have your attention,” Rosie said acknowledgments and raised my hand, the guilty one. conversations. I casually wandered over the pool table. Besides the dude in the Rush shirt, there were two other guys watching the game. roommates. I got the vacancy.” From a distance he looked “LA.” “You must be military.” 9
- 12. and a tank top stood silently. asked me. “Not really.” I shook his hand. at some teenagers sat playing Risk and Monopoly. “Oh that’s game.” victor said as he approached smiling. “But not that bad.” him at pool.” nobility,” Ryan proclaimed grandiosely. 10
- 13. thought, I was terrible at pool. It took me several attempts announced in a roar that transcended all the other noise, moge.” player. but never strait ahead. and everybody gathered around them. On the carts were metal pans containing salisbury steaks in a thick brown “Only the people on second level get desert.” 11
- 14. a game. But with all these twists. Just when you think you I had no idea what he was talking about, but I nodded at me. a cigarette.” “I made it to the second level already, but now I’m back “Ah, you know, accusations were made… Lies, mostly… time I try to do something good, it messes up. But it’s not redhead walked by the table and looked in our direction. 12
- 15. and Ryan joined us at the pool table. Ryan grabbed the cue. “Rack ‘em!” could smell cigarette smoke on his clothes. maybe somebody would eventually just hand me one. the second level, you collected points and when you had since I hadn’t actually done anything to warrant being here, I’d be on the second level in no time. “Evaluation, they say.” just a word. It don’t mean shit. All that matters is your diagnosis.” that guy Paul, Muriel, Fred and Caroline… and I think depressed.” 13
- 16. it’s like they’ve been cured. And then they go home and the problems start all over again.” Ryan.” Brook so he could attend a good school with the rich kids. and made spaghetti dinner with his wrists.” the scars. they’re dressed like they’re going to prom night in Ethiopia. about how many times they’ve shoved them down to be around.” 14
- 17. couch. like she’s got a rake in her butt.” added. “All she ever talks about is designer clothes, going around, but she’s not even old enough to drive yet.” how she made it to the second level.” “Must be nice.” I was emotionally disturbed, which is why I was selling pot 15
- 18. sailing.” the screw up.” messed up.” “Oh yeah, that’s just what a screw up would say.” Ryan dad to jail.” I laughed nervously. evaluation doesn’t take as long as mine.” up roommates. 16
- 19. know who you’re gonna get.” “No, not really. Just lamers.” I pointed at the portable stereo on the table between our showed me a tape with a black cover. I leaned in close to read the title. “Motorhead. Oh, man, I’ve been wanting to check them out!” some major tunage. For sure.” From the hallway came a bellowing command: “Lights “No shit.” 17
- 20. 2. GROUP THERAPY I laughed and then coughed. “Man, I need a cigarette.” It was torture.” with so many words that they think all you want to do is talk is group.” 18
- 21. it’s always good to have something to talk about. Otherwise you have to make something up on the spot, which seems bacon, grits and biscuits. Arranged on the table were jugs “I know, they’re all runny and gross. Bacon’s alright though.” 19
- 22. a lot better when I’m on the second level though. I’m gonna get the bump any day now. All my ducks are in a row.” and techs watching our every move... But yeah, as long as was obvious without laughter, but he let out a snort to prove his point. “I’m a Jew. In Alabama. Do the math.” Larry glanced at me knowingly. “Not that being a Jew is reason enough to get locked up anymore. I’m here cause I beat somebody up. Actually, I almost killed this guy who used to always him I was bashing his head into a metal door. I didn’t even let me know he was joking. Or so I thought. 20
- 23. conversations went quiet. Ron sat down in the empty A boy with brown curly hair perked up. Jasper sighed. “Yeah. I’ve learned that I’m partly people, and I never give anybody a chance.” Jasper talked don’t you tell us how things are going.” 21
- 24. black she’d have a cow. But she not only had a cow, she had a sheep, a pig, a chicken and a goat. And then she sent “I love my mother, but I think she’s wrong about black as I leave here, I’m gonna get right back together with “Let’s hope that you and your mother can both learn ground.” chortled loudly. 22
- 25. “It ain’t. I’m just telling you what they say. I don’t care. I got a list.” “Least I’m not a skank.” “I just don’t like these girls who think they’re so high and mighty, putting on airs like she’s better’n everybody make her nothing special.” “Yeah, you’re not being very assertive,” Cindy said with a snicker as she leaned back in her chair. asking you to please take your seat.” a picture and mail it to your grandma.” “In your dreams, potty mouth.” 23
- 26. resonance, she didn’t even have to yell. courteous in your approach. Maybe you can help each “Now, does anybody have something constructive they’d Everybody cracked up. all the time we have today.” was group. Best way to spend an hour when you got nothing else to keep you entertained.” 24
- 27. 3. MR. NICE GUY middle-aged man with a blonde beard. Dave. My therapist. mind,” he said. “You can ask questions that you think are something, a beard or a moustache. Maybe a goatee. Dave “Just when I’m getting to the second level.” program.” 25
- 28. “You must have some idea.” “Oh, you mean what happened with Eric, my dad and “Okay. Let’s talk about that.” wouldn’t let me smoke so I had to take matters into my in its cap.” Dave continued making notes as I blabbered on, almost against my will. “I was just trying to do the right thing, you know… Now something wrong.” 26
- 29. worry about here.” I smiled. Dave said sat there looking at me without making a sound. to get him to believe me. three spiral notebooks on the table with band names and logos scrawled into the covers. get out the door when the social workers picked us up. “Yes, I see you have that written underneath. You have a “I wanna be a songwriter, so I write out lyrics as practice. I study how the verses, bridges and choruses work together. 27
- 30. “It just, you know, sounded cool.” “I mean, yeah, sure… they have some meaning. But you’re reading them all wrong. I’m just trying to come up show how good-natured I was. “Look, you’re totally judging are just words on paper, so you have to imagine the rest out air rapidly through parsed lips. “Dun dundun! Dun 28
- 31. building to the chorus where the guitars go, Chuga chuga pantomimed playing a guitar. “Right, and then it’s like, in my mind!’ And then it just goes totally insane: the drum be negative or anything.” enthusiastic about your music.” Just when I thought we were getting somewhere and Dave would see that I wouldn’t be needing his help, he pushed the notebook with the plain green cover across the needed to remember them later. But there were also death away, as well as my short autobiography, in case anybody As Dave stared at me, I didn’t know what to say. I just “I think we need to start talking about why you’re here,” 29
- 32. hold me to that.” out the door. “You can join the others now.” “Fine.” “Yeah.” making things up, you know, writing out loud, so to speak. “Nah, I’m cool like that.” 30
- 33. pills on the bottom and the other was water. “Your medication.” “I’m not sick.” “Doctor’s orders.” “Just take the pills.” I dropped the two pills into my mouth and drank the water. I’m never gonna make it to the second level.” pills!” “Man, they just don’t get it.” everything is a misunderstanding.” www.kellydessaint.com 31
- 34. - new kids usually kept quiet - recycled air. I the meds were at home, the bur- kicking in yet, - but the days had coalesced into a parents. Others - discussed prob- lems at school, the pressures one therapeutic in, going with the - evolved around - a tight schedule. - in general, con- gathered in the necting their common room own malaise - with the issues - that plagued our - generation: the ties in the circle changed con- - stantly as the clear holocaust… participants cy- It wasn’t easy to cled through the make it in the ward. It seemed world. It was like there were enough to drive - you insane.