Q&A with Doug and Darla web
- 1. LOVE LIKE Alzheimer’s Interview With A Caregiver Q: What was the hardest part of taking care of your father-in-law when you had a young family? A: Teaching my children that Grandpa was a part of us. So we included him as much as possible and taught our kids to have respect and compassion for him. We tried to maintain Dad’s dignity by making sure he was well groomed. I think it helped the kids to see that. Q: How did you and the other care givers cope with the personality changes and aggression that often accompanies Alzheimer’s disease? A: You have to separate what has been from what is. Identify it as behavior, but not who they are. We did not see a lot of aggression. Fear? Yes. Frustration? Very much so. You have to realize the stress level is high for them, so you have to be calm. Try to stay peaceful. Practice patience, over and over again. Q: What was your support group like when you took care of your father-in-law and what is it like now? A: We lived next door, so we were there on a daily basis, if needed. Mom was able to get away, and had someone to depend on. Once we got past the denial stage, we realized that dad can still do things, but sometimes the connections don’t fire correctly. So we tried to do things with him. We wouldn’t give instructions and walk away, or he would forget. His thoughts and feelings do matter. He can still contribute and we wanted to let him contribute as long as possible. Q: What is the biggest difference between taking care of your father-in-law more than 30-years ago and taking care of your husband now? A: I think with dad it came as a shock. Time and experience are useful tools. My husband realized early on that his memory was starting to fail so he started preparing me by making suggestions regarding financial, physical and mental issues. When he becomes frustrated, I give him “time,” knowing he is not mad at me but circumstances. Practice patience. We talk to each other a lot. We’re going through this as a team. Q: If someone came to you and said he/she just learned that a loved one was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and this person would be taking care of that loved one, what advice would you give them? A: They will come to know that a Higher Power is needed to help them through—Trust it. Rely on it. Take it one day at a time. Look for positives. Look into your loved one’s eyes and “see” the person. Take time for self, so you don’t overload. This person is counting on you, so don’t ever go to “empty.” Hold their hands and be there when you do! Keep your chin up. This is just a new adventure. Q: What was the greatest lesson learned while taking care of your father-in-law? A: I came to appreciate and learn about the man. There are things you hear about someone but there is a level of understanding that you come to feel as you care for them, as if you have connected soul to soul. With understanding comes love. Q: How do you focus on living with the disease rather than dying from the disease? (How do you find hope rather than giving up?) A: We all die from something. Today he remembers me. Tomorrow I will remember him as the man who swept me off my feet. We have each other’s back, so to speak. This is the part where “for better or worse” comes. You have already had better—for a short time it will become “rough.” The storm will blow over, but will take away the hands you now hold. Darla Cutler helped to take care of her father-in-law in the late 1970’s when she had a young family. Recently, her husband has been diagnosed with early stage dementia. Darla has a unique perspective about care giving since she has faced it twice in her family and at different stages in life. The following is a short Q&A with her and how she has learned to cope with this difficult disease affecting more than 5 million Americans. ©2016 by RyanCurtisBooks