Revising your Paragraph (The Hunger Games Way)

Here’s my original paragraph that I need to
revise
The Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring Jennifer Lawrence and
based on the book written by Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is
because it is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about people who
have to fight for their lives under an oppressive government. The reason
people like it is because it is a good depiction of how people feel oppressed
by the government. An interesting part is when Katniss is told to kill Peeta
and she decides not to and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of
the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc. The reason teenagers
like this movie is because it is because it is about challenging authority. For
instance, Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating a pig. When
she does this, she show that she is stronger than they are and will not put up
with their crap. In conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction of
people who have to fight back against a government who controls them.

What’s wrong with this paragraph?
• The opening sentence is a description more than an
argument.
• There’s too many ideas for this one paragraph.
• There’s a lot of repetition
• The examples really don’t prove anything.
• A lot of broad words like “good” “people”
“amazing” and “interesting”
• The conclusion just repeats.
The Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring
Jennifer Lawrence and based on the book written by
Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is because it
is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about
people who have to fight for their lives under an
oppressive government. The reason people like it is
because it is a good depiction of how people feel
oppressed by the government. An interesting part is
when Katniss is told to kill Peeta and she decides not to
and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of
the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc.
The reason teenagers like this movie is because it is
because it is about challenging authority. For instance,
Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating
a pig. When she does this, she show that she is stronger
than they are and will not put up with their crap. In
conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction
of people who have to fight back against a government
who controls them.

What could work about this paragraph
• A few ideas:
“resilience of the human spirit”
“oppressive government”
“challenging authority”
“fighting back”
• The examples:
Katniss refusing to kill Peeta
Katniss shooting an arrow
These are going to be the core of my rewrite
The Hunger Games is a movie made in 2012 starring
Jennifer Lawrence and based on the book written by
Suzanne Collins. The reason people like it is because it
is about the resilience of the human spirit. It is about
people who have to fight for their lives under an
oppressive government. The reason people like it is
because it is a good depiction of how people feel
oppressed by the government. An interesting part is
when Katniss is told to kill Peeta and she decides not to
and they threaten to commit suicide instead. Some of
the other big issues are gender, poverty, bullying, etc.
The reason teenagers like this movie is because it is
because it is about challenging authority. For instance,
Katniss shoots an arrow at people while they are eating
a pig. When she does this, she show that she is stronger
than they are and will not put up with their crap. In
conclusion, The Hunger Games is an amazing depiction
of people who have to fight back against a government
who controls them.

First, I’m going to start with a strong claim.
As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The
Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit.
This works as a claim because it sets up the key ideas I am going to
explore – the “oppressive government,” the rebellion, and the
“resilience of the human spirit.”

Now I’m going to begin moving into specifics
from the book
Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though
they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show
bravery when they fight back against authority.
Now I’ve got another sentence that’s going to lead from my claim into
the evidence that I’m going to explore. Also it backs up some key ideas
from the first sentence: the resilience and the fighting back.

Evidence:
As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger
Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are
teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when
they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told
that they must fight each other to the death. Rather than surrender, they
threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this, they show they are
unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their
own death.
Now I’m moving into evidence: I’ve got a specific example of resilience,
bravery, and fighting back. Notice the way the evidence and example from
the book is clearly defined and described.

unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own
death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they
remember you.”
Here’s what I’ve done – I went to quotes page here:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1392170/quotes?ref_=tt_ql_3
And I found a quote that exemplifies the themes of resilience and rebellion and the
“unwillingness to live by the unfair rules”

Hunger Games shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though
they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta show
bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger
Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death.
Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By
doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of
their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin,
Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone
watches Katniss show her bravery in the games, she becomes a
symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that is supposed to
remind the people of their powerlessness, into an opportunity to
show them their potential.
Now I’m still dealing with evidence, but I’m moving into analysis as well
by writing about what Katniss has done, and how it’s working, and why
her resilience means something more. Also, it ties into the quote.

As the characters fight back against an oppressive government, The Hunger Games
shows the resilience of the human spirit. Even though they are teenagers from a
poor community, Katniss and Peeta show bravery when they fight back against
authority. At the end of Hunger Games, they are told that they must fight each
other to the death. Rather than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries
instead. By doing this, they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of
their society, even if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch
tells Katniss, “Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show
her bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns
an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an
opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books might
be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant.
Now it’s time for analysis: I’m moving from the specifics to commentary about the
specifics. I’m saying something about it – I’m connecting the popularity of the
books to the way its audience would feel about them.
Analysis

unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even if it means their own
death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss, “Make sure they
remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her bravery in the
games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She turns an event that
is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness, into an
opportunity to show them their potential. The huge popularity of the books
might be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or
insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she
shows the value of being yourself and standing up to unfairness.
Now I’m saying something more about what those teenagers respond to, and
what Katniss experiences, and how they’re connected.

be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because
Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself
and standing up to unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a
generation of teenagers as a powerful role model.
And here’s the conclusion sentence: notice the way it ties things back to the
beginning. Is it perfect? No, but it does work to connect the “resilience” with Katniss
as a “strong young woman” who is a “powerful role model.” I’ve show that the
resilience of the human spirit has meaning to readers, and that works together with
the popularity of the books.

Games shows the resilience of the human spirit
Even though they are teenagers from a poor community, Katniss and Peeta
show bravery when they fight back against authority. At the end of Hunger
Games, they are told that they must fight each other to the death. Rather
than surrender, they threaten to eat poison berries instead. By doing this,
they show they are unwilling to live by the unfair rules of their society, even
if it means their own death. Before the games begin, Haymitch tells Katniss,
“Make sure they remember you.” As everyone watches Katniss show her
bravery in the games, she becomes a symbol of hope and rebellion. She
turns an event that is supposed to remind the people of their powerlessness,
into an opportunity to show them their potential.
The huge popularity of the books might be because teenagers can respond
to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because Katniss begins as a poor citizen
of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself and standing up to
unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a generation of
teenagers as a powerful role model.
CLAIM
EVIDENCE
ANALYSIS
Notice how this works.

BUT . . .
You don’t have to your evidence and analysis in this order. Here’s an example of a
paragraph that mixes evidence and analysis thoughtfully. I’ve underlined the claim,
bolded the analysis, and italicized the evidence.
The Hunger Games shows the ways teenagers rebel due to their need to feel free and in control
of their own lives. The primary demonstration of this is when Katniss and Gale go hunting in the
woods outside the fence. Although they hunt for a good reason, to keep their families fed, they
also do it for their own satisfaction . When they cross the boundary they feel free from all the
rules and authority that is present in their district. This is how all teenagers feel when they
break the rules or rebel in some way against the authority in their own lives. Everybody
wants to feel like they are free to make their own decisions and do anything they choose to
do and this becomes very apparent during an individual’s teenage years. Katniss also shows
rebellion when she places flowers on Rue after she dies. This shows the capitol that people
from different districts do not have to hate each other and strikes fear in the heart of the
president who does not want the districts to ever unite again. Her deliberate decision to not
allow the capitol the single victor that they want is a smack in the face of the president and all
the leaders of Panem. Katniss shows rebellion in another way when she encourages Peeta to
eat the berries and starts to eat them herself at the end of The Games. As she rebels more and
more, Katniss starts to find her voice and develop her own opinion about things. This is true
for all teenagers and in a way makes rebellion an important part of a person’s life. Katniss’
rebellion is a motivation for the teens reading the book to rebel in their own lives and, in
some way, truly find out who they are.

be because teenagers can respond to feeling oppressed or insignificant. Because
Katniss begins as a poor citizen of District 12, she shows the value of being yourself
and standing up to unfairness. As a strong young woman, Katniss has inspired a
generation of teenagers as a powerful role model.
Here’s the overall paragraph:

Revising your Paragraph (The Hunger Games Way)

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