The mongoose prosecutor meets the judge of no recourse

The Mongoose
Prosecutor Meets the
Judge of No Recourse

An argument flared some
years ago, between a
chicken and an egg. The
chick claimed that he was the first one on the
scene,
and that the egg had No leg on which to stand
and boast, since all his counter-claims were
bad. “Not so!” said the egg in dudgeon high, at
such a preposterous proposition.
“The claims you so stupidly make, are quite out
of the question!”

By night and day, and from day to week, they
continued to argue and to seek For an
acceptable and agreeable solution, until the
day, both fed up to ‘here’ they decided to plead
their cases without fear to the first one to come
along. Quite impatiently they sat to wait, for
someone wise to settle the fate Of the lengthy
and bitter controversy, when suddenly, out of
nowhere came a long and distinguished-
looking snake!

“Good morning, Mr. Snake,” the chicken said,
striving to get the first word in.
“That’s not fair!” the egg declared, “you’re
trying to influence him!” “What manner of egg
are you, to make of such a simple greeting
a great and loud ‘to do’? I suspect your noise is
but a cover-up, for your arguments are so few,
that you have resorted to a ruse, just the
learned judge to confuse,” the chicken retorted
in a fit of passion.

Then to the snake slithering slowly forward
he outlined the reasons For their bitter and
heated quarrel.
“Things are getting quite out of hand, if two
such close relatives
As you happen to be, resort to a Judge of the
Lowest Court of Law.

But justice delayed is justice denied, and I have
no time to waste. In the matter of ‘Who was
first’ I shall promptly adjudicate.
I shall now use the alphabet to decide whose
plea should first be fairly entertained by me.
And I’m sure both my learned friends, will
agree that precedence plainly goes to this
learned chicken in his fancy clothes, to which
some day the other Advocate will clearly
aspire.

‘Nothing’s wrong with that!’
I always say, ‘fine feathers make fine birds, and
fine birds these days are seldom found! (in an
aside “by me!”). Approach the Bench, and
speak loudly, for my sight and hearing are not
as sound as my considered opinions and
judgment. Whereupon the chicken embarked
with poise, and legal hauteur on his lengthy
dissertation. His choice words and elegant
phrases, seemed to make the judge very
stimulated, for he coiled and unraveled, and
coiled yet again,

While taking in every legalistic word. His
eyes were intent and very fixed, his mouth
would split with a smile. His tongue forked
in and out, as though testing, at times, or
tasting or responding to some humor.

And oft he would say “Speak up! Or come
a little closer!”
Finally the chicken made his closing
remarks, and looked around to take his
seat,
So that egg could begin his address.
When in a surprise move, the judge
confessed, that the chicken had won the day.

“Come here my friend, I am so impressed, with
your skilled and persuasive presentation, I
hope you will consider a belated invitation.
We will sup with wine and liqueurs so fine,
They’ll make your feathers curl.
I loved the way you raised the points, that egg
himself would have done,
and with polished and subtle reasoning, you
knocked them down one by one.
I have another case to hear, and I’ll be glad for
your advice. Two heads are better than one, is
often said, and in this case I do agree,
For you brought out the argument’s meat, with
a passion and such heat
That you reminded me of me.”

So proud and pleased at the judge’s remarks
the learned chicken was.
He threw caution to the winds. With head held
high on neck outstretched, he gave forth with
the victor’s cry. And while chicken was loudly
crowing,
The judge like the snake that he was, made both
his play and his summation,
His coils and words revealing his intention.
“You wrapped up the case as tightly, as you
will be wrapped up by me.
And in my law books, with your looks, you will
come before egg any day.
He has no legs and can’t run away, so on him
I’ll pass judgment too.

Egg will come a very close second, as soon as
I’ve finished with you!”

“This is a travesty of justice! I want to appeal to
a higher court.”
The chicken squawked and fluttered wildly,
As he felt the coils closing in, Judge Snake said,
“It’s useless, to struggle against the Law. Look
around, you’ll see its coils, twisting and turning
in all directions, pressing in on all your sides.
It’s really quite breath-taking.

You might just as well give in. “If it’s your
desire to go any higher,

I’ll climb that tall tree with you. But you will be
in me, with egg beside you,
if not on your bloodied face!”

With the last dying breath that he was able to
muster chicken said “This foolish argument,
And my stupid pride have put me in these
fatally strangling coils. Although the judge
ruled in my favor and I won the case with my
toil, I regret I was first after all. I would have
preferred to be last, a sentence of hard labor to
pass and that the Judge should fast, instead of
my passing away.”
The judge was too busy to answer, for the
chicken got in his mouth’s way.

“That was a splendid corpus delecti1, and for
dessert I will have ovum2 in shell, for I need a
balanced diet.
Then I will recess, some sleep to get, tranquility,
and quiet to consult, all the eminent legal
luminaries, make judicial contact by fax and the
1
Meal.
2
Egg.

telephone, read my transcripts thoroughly, and
give due and careful consideration before I
transmit my determined decision, on the
outcome of this all-absorbing case.

Once again justice has prevailed, and the Law
and the Order expounded
Of which came first and which came last, to me
have all the merits redounded. I can truthfully
say, and if you insist, that I cease and desist, I
will. Of this case I have had my fill! But
somehow I have a nagging doubt that I may
have acted quite prematurely. For Rules of
Natural Justice clearly state that both sides
must be fairly heard. Thus I crave my near-late
learned friend’s pardon, for my eyes were only
on the late learned bird! Now what have you to

say in your defense before you join your friend
by sentence? Unfortunately I’m legally obliged
to listen but please be brief, for a torpid
somnolence, creeps over me, and before I sleep
I must hear and record every word.

“M’Lord, nothing I say will save the day.
Darkness has already befallen my friend, the
late great Advocate of Chicken Primacy. Any
fool can see that the same self-same fate is to be
my final destiny.” The egg replied quite calmly,
and though his exterior did not quiver, he
plainly felt the little chicken inside, his still-
whole shell shake and shiver. “You have both
come to untimely grief, appearing with such a
silly brief, I consider it really quite appalling,
for had you opened and checked The Supreme
Book, Page one, Chapter one, Versus twenty to
twenty four in the very first book, the Book of
Genesis, You would have seen no mention of
any egg before, and not a suggestion, in that
busy week of the Creation, of one that surely
came after!

I promise however, to be gentler, for from an
egg too, was I born I’ll take great care in
swallowing, that your shell remains untorn.
After I have fully digested the salient facts, I
will invite all other interested parties to come
forward and make further submissions. For not
only is my reputation at stake, but my future,
and my very survival! So chicks and eggs come
and state your case Judge Snake will be in his
chambers. If you don’t come, I’ll seek you out,
and pass judgment, without any spoken words.
My Wheels of Justice move slowly, but my coils
grind extremely fine. Some times it quite
bothers me that I treat the parties so differently,
the egg’s submissions I can swallow whole, and
take with not a grain of salt, with scarcely a

crack on the shell. But the chicken’s erudition is
greater, and he I cannot swallow very well.

Thus he was both the winner and the loser, of
this case I fear, somewhat by default. I had to
take him securely, and look, from every angle
to ensure that no facts nor feathers escaped my
close attention. It surely was much more time-
consuming but the attendant rewards I shall
not mention.

This matter is adjourned, for a date to be fixed,
till then it is sub-judice3, and held in abeyance. It
will please the Court whose opinions are now
thoroughly mixed to have some other legal
appearance, in case the plaintiff and the
3
Under consideration.

complainant, are unavoidably detained in
another forum. My judgments though always
fatal, are never final, for that will certainly end
my distinguished and for me, lucrative
profession. And I come from a long line of
lawyers that started just after The Blessed
Creation.

All of my forbears have instructed me, to listen,
and to act with great discretion.
‘The day you give a final decision, is the day we
all shall surely die!”
But my forbears were noted liars, so whom
should I trust or believe?
It sometimes hurts to eat the evidence, or the
ones putting forward the case.

But I have my appetite to consider, and the
lineage of my famous race.

So here’s to chicks, and here’s to eggs! As long
as their arguments prevail,
I shall use my wits and then my tail, to provide
me with needed sustenance.
If they can’t find another resolution, on such a
trivial matter of precedence
I shall continue to give legal admonition, with
my lethal brand of jurisprudence!
I have done my duty well today!
The fees I charged were so reasonable that no
one asked for time to pay.
I dined on chicken delight with feathers
followed by chicken au clair4 in shell!
4
Not thickened.

No one has left my court dissatisfied; I gave
absolutely nothing away,
For all the words, and every thought, I uttered,
were returned to me,
To be re-cycled in my next court. My greatest
fear is that some day,
Everyone will see eye to eye. When that sad
occurrence happens,
My kinfolk and I will surely die.

The fame of Judge Snake was spread, far and
wide, for he carefully ensured
That what he didn’t want to hide, was always
somehow leaked.
The Chicken Press, radio and television,
commented on some of his trials (Special

Edition!) He became the newest ‘go to’
sensation, and his name was a poultry-pen
word, Used by mother-hens on their chicks,
when parental wrath was incurred.
He often appeared on ‘Issues Live’5, to discuss
at length Tissues Dead.
His beady eyes and quick reflexes, inspired
respect, fear and dread.

Crowds converged on his chambers, seeking
advice on matters of great import. None,
fortunately unfortunate to be invited in, left. So
5
TV program.

absorbed with close rapport, as his head
swayed in mesmeric dance, his un-blinking
eyes, and silky tones, held them transfixed in
deadly trance, closer drawn were they to his
capricious folding robes and his stealthily
enveloping coils.

He spoke knowingly and at length, Of the Law
of Supply and Demand,
The Laws of Survival and of Diminishing
Returns,
The Laws of No Recourse and No Appeal, and
The Law of Natural Selection.
They swallowed the learned discourse, with
avid and concentrated attention, carefully
listening without even a pause, until they felt
severely constricted, by the smooth and tightly

wound up, summation, and found themselves
restricted, to provide His Lordship with a meal.

His mealtimes were many and filled with such
bounty he never had to go hunting, either for
his breakfast or his dinner. His exercises were
coil-flexing and squeezing the life from his
victims to prolong his own. He fed them advice
which he swallowed again, together with those
ensnared and in pain.
“M’Lord! You are getting besides yourself!”
Some in belated alarm would say, as coil was
stacked upon coil, their futile struggles he
would foil, sometimes to reply with mortal
relish, “Oh, you’ve finally noticed? Yes, I do
that rather well!

One does very naturally, what one is born to
do. I was born to naturally flex, to stealthily
coil, and to squeeze! Inbred talent reinforced
with diligent practice, has given me great skill if
you please! I cannot take arguments piece-meal,
to dissect, and check for any flaw. I have to
swallow the whole long story, and store it in
my capacious maw, then choose what I want to
believe.

It is not such an easy exercise as some would
make you want to think.
I readily absorb the valid opinions, for they
keep me very much alive.
I always excrete the others that stink, for on
them I cannot thrive.

At times the arguments are so pointed, as to be
potentially dangerous when they pass slowly
down. First I have to grind, then to polish away
hidden barbs and taunts that could harm the
Inner Sanctum’s passageway.

On those I spend considerable time, weighing
both the ‘pros’ and the ‘cons’, And when the
‘pros’ are fully digested, the ‘cons’ are then
finally ejected. Judging is never an easy task, for
not only do I have to consider what’s right and
wrong. I have to decide what’s right for me,
though sometimes I may need, to listen quite
long to the many sides of the story.

Some may say I’m a self-seeker, that may have
been true some time ago,

But I have got so involved with my judging
practice, that it is no longer really so. I am
sought out for consultations, advice on
mergers, and divorce.
I always prefer the last mentioned, because I get
two for the price of one.
It warms the cockles of this serpentine heart, to
bring the parties closely together, and to see
them accept my ruling, that they must see eye
to eye. It’s not just one figurative feather, but
two, for this legal cap I wear, and I mark them
‘his’ and ‘hers,’ until some other case I hear.”

Eventually the snake’s depredations were
noticed by the farmer who owned the poultry
pen. He decided with the help of his friends to
stage a trial of his own. He built his courthouse

bright and breezy, so that all invited could not
only see all of the action, but to bet on the
outcome if they wished.

He caught Judge Snake and put him in the cage
and the Judge was quite outraged. “I’ll have
you fined for Contempt of Court or even have
you thrown in jail! Release me at once, or you
will regret, that you ever tangled with me!”

Of course the farmer only heard the hissing
sound, and there was no interpreter around, so
the judge’s objections were overruled like those
of all his former victims. He took his seat and
fell silent, wondering what was coming next.

The noise of the crowd grew louder when the
prosecutor was introduced; for they liked his
agile behavior and the way he was spruced.
Immediately the stakes were raised and the
tempers quickly
followed suit. The judge
was confused and then
elated at what he
thought was a large rat.
He felt the show was
being put on because he
was fat and they wished
to watch him feed.

“Let them bloody well
wait! This is below my dignity. I prefer to dine
privately in quiet places, and this noise is

upsetting to me.” He settled down within his
coils seemingly to drift off to sleep, but his
beady eyes and his forked tongue shifted ever
so slightly, when he heard, the prosecutor utter
his first word. “This is no ordinary Rat I hear,
his language is strange to me, and if the speech
is foreign, it must mean they imported, from
far-off lands a rare delicacy, just to try and
tempt me.
Lately I was getting tired of chicken, for
breakfast, dinner, and high tea.
A change in my diet quite suits me, especially
when it is free.”
Now quite interested in the possibility, of a
welcome change in meal content
M’Lord raised his fearsome head, and some of
his coils he unbent.

He opened his beady eyes fully, and flicked out
his dreaded tongue.
He began his sinuous ‘danse macabre6’, with
his usual practiced grace,
Fully expecting the furred lawyer to freeze
before he applied his squeeze.
Remarkably! The lawyer had other thoughts,
about losing his case to the Judge.
He knew fully well what he had to serve, and it
was surely not a dish.
He started to show his fancy legal moves, his
rapid foot work and sharp white teeth.
And so they danced the dance of death, life to
the victor the prize supreme,

6
Dance of death.

Perhaps, for just a short while yet. Every time
the Judge was poised to strike the prosecutor
changed his style.

Frustrated, then angry at the flouting of his
Laws, His Lordship lost his cool, and flung his
head forward with wide-opening jaws, as he
was wont and wanted to do. Intending to hold
the upstart prosecutor, who dared to challenge
his laws of no recourse and no appeal. But
where he bit was empty space, and of the
creature he saw no trace, until quite suddenly –
he felt him! Razor-sharp teeth held him fast, at
the back near-bottom of his head, Desperate
now, and racked with pain, He flung his tail
quite recklessly this way, and that, and back

again. But the mongoose was too fast for him,
deftly avoiding his thrashing coils.

Soon the Snake Judge was in death throes, and I
thought I heard his dying words: “I could have
fared much worse, been an anonymity; rather
than an example of, The Law of Survival, the
Law of Diminishing Returns, plus the Judge of
no recourse and no appeal. “ And thus a
thriving practice was foiled. No one had heard
any charges read. He was not even called to
plead. Nor were any witnesses called. To be
instructed and carefully led, up all the paths the
Law allows. It was just Natural Summary
Justice with a real live show and quick
dispatch, and with the vanquished dead or

dying, there was no need for an Appeal. The
snake’s skin was cured and cut to make a pair
of fashionable shoes with belt to match, and
purse to clutch, for the farmer’s wife to sport.
But elsewhere the Law continues until some
day, everyone will see eye to eye. When that
glad occurrence happens, Adversarial law will
surely die.

The mongoose prosecutor meets the judge of no recourse

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The mongoose prosecutor meets the judge of no recourse