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Introduction and Sociological Perspective (1 paragraph)
In a paragraph, introduce your chosen topic. Briefly discuss
your chosen sociological perspective and describe how your
topic exemplifies this perspective. Be sure to reference your
textbook when defining your chosen sociological perspective.
End the paragraph with a sentence that previews the remainder
of the paper.
Body of the paper (2-3 paragraphs)
For this part of the paper, you will describe how your chosen
topic relates to EACH of the following concepts. Your body
paragraphs should be divided based on topics that go well
together. To receive full credit, you must mention all 8 concepts
below. Be sure to cite your textbook or outside sources where
needed.
Culture
Socialization
Social Structures
Deviance
Social Inequality
Race/Ethnicity
Gender/Sexuality
Economics/Politics
Conclusion (1 paragraph)
In a paragraph, conclude your paper by describing how your
paper relates to social change. What types of social change
related to your topic should occur? How do you view this
change happening?
Committed Romantic Relationship

Committed Romantic Relationships
Relationships between individuals who assume they will be
primary and continuing parts of each other’s lives.
They are voluntary.
Dimensions of Romantic Relationships
Three dimensions:
Passion
Commitment
Intimacy
Passion
Intense, positive feelings and desire
May involve powerful emotional, spiritual, and intellectual
excitement.
“Butterflies in our stomach”
NOT the principal foundation (comes and goes)

Commitment
More durable than passion
Intention/ decision to remain in the relationship
Main reasons to commit in relationship:
Comfortable and pleasing
Avoid negative consequences
Westerners want passion and commitment
Willingness to sacrifice for and invest in
Intimacy
Closeness, connection, and tenderness
Underlies both passion and commitment
Enjoy being around each other even when there’s no fireworks
Honesty, respect, trust, etc.
Styles of Loving
People experience and express love differently
Primary styles of love
Secondary styles of love
Eros
Powerful, passionate style

Intense love
Spontaneous and fast moving
Fall in love fast
Men more likely to be erotic lovers
Storge
Comfortable, based on friendship/ compatibility
Ends up being peaceful and stable
Grows out of common interests, values, life goals
Ludus
Playful love
Not taken seriously
Suitable to those who like being involved in romance but not
ready to settle down
Pragma
Pragmatic love
Blends the planning of ludus and a stable security from storge
Clear criteria for what they want in their partners

Mania
Passion of eros and play by ludic rules
Unsure if their partner really loves them
Experience extremes in emotions
Agape
Storge + eros
Intense passion of eros and loyalty of storge
Generous and selfless
Giving love is awarding for them
**Most of us are a mixture of these styles of loving**
The Development of Romantic Relationships
Social Penetration Theory: Explains how romantic intimacy
progresses in Western Culture.
Intimacy grows as interaction between people penetrates from
the outer to inner layer of each person’s personality.
Meaning we assign to behaviors in romantic relationships are
not entirely individualistic.
Growth, Navigation, Deterioration

In other words, we have to move beyond the surface of another
person to know them better, such as getting to know who they
truly are instead of the surface level.
They reflect broad cultural views, which we learn and often
internalize. There are strong consistencies in how people
socialize in the same culture and social groups attribute
meanings to communication in romantic relationships.
Investigations show that westerners typically perceive romantic
relationships as evolving through three broad phases: growth,
navigation and deterioration.
Growth
Invitational
Communication
Individuality
Explorational Communication
Intensifying Communication
Revising Communication
Commitment
Growth can be defined in six stages:
. How we determine who to be romantically involved with
would depend on our individual histories and attachment styles
Individuality: How we determine who to be romantically
involved with would depend on our individual histories and

attachment styles
Invitational Communication: People signal that they are
interested in interacting
Explorational Communication: Focuses on learning about each
other and it’s also the stage in which we start asking questions,
find common interests to reduce our uncertainty about the
person
Types of Growth
Individuality: Each of us is an individual with particular needs,
goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies and qualities that affect
what we look for in relationships
Invitational: during this stage they respond to invitations from
others. The most important meaning of this type of growth is
found on the relationship level and not the content level.
Explorational: What we tell each other during the early stages
of a relationship isn’t necessarily true. We may assert aspects
about ourselves to better position us to be more desirable.
Examples would be claiming the salary we make, false traits we
have and so forth.

Intensifying Communication: Partners spend more time
together, and they rely less on external structures such as films
or parties.
Revising Communication: This stage would allow the partners
to recognize the problems in their relationships and work
towards solving it.
Commitment: The relationship becomes a given, around which
they arrange other aspects of their lives
Types of Growth (continue)
Intensifying: During this stage, couples usually agree to make
their relationship exclusive, meaning having complete faith to
one another. They may immerse themselves in the relationship
and may feel that they can’t be together enough.
Revising: Not technically a stage in the development of all
romantic relationships. But it’s still important to note.
Partners come out of the clouds to look at their relationship
more realistically. It’s past the ‘love craze’ phase of a
relationship and usually occurs past a longer time span of being
together.
Commitment: Which is the decision to stay with the
relationship. Leads partners to invest more in a relationship to
maintain satisfaction.
Navigation
Ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together
despite individual disagreements.
In an established relationship, couples will continue to adjust
and work through the problems encountered and accommodate
the needs of their partner.

You would need to adjust and work through the problems,
revisit old ones and accommodate the changes in each of your
individual and relational lives to prevent conflicts
Relational Culture
Nucleus of Intimacy
Develop over time
Evolves and changes throughout the life of the relationship
I.e: Commemorating a special event such as birthdays or a
memorable day within the relationship.
a private world of rules, understandings, meanings and patterns
of acting and interpreting that partners create for their
relationship.
Includes the ways in which a couple manages their relational
dialectics. This type of relationship would include different
rules and rituals. Couples would set out rules that are typically
unspoken but known on both sides of the relationships. An
example would be commemorating special times such as
birthdays and holidays in a relationship
Placemaking
Process of creating a comfortable personal environment that
reflects the values, experiences and tastes of the couple.

They are typically filled with personal items that relate to the
individual within a relationship
Deterioration
Intrapsychic
Dyadic
Social support
Grave-dressing
Resurrection processes.
Relationship can end, and sometimes, it might’ve been because
someone was cheating, or the significant other moves away for
work or military service. There can be multiple reasons for a
relationship to deteriorate. However, deterioration happens in
series of stages
Intrapsychic Processes
One or both partners begin to feel dissatisfied with the
relationship and focuses on their own thoughts in regards to the
problems and shortcomings of the relationship.
Dyadic Processes
Involves the breakdown of established patterns, rules and rituals
set in the relational culture.
Intrapsychic: Instead of aiming to solve the problem, the
solution would be to think of an alternative to the relationship

Dyadic: Partners may stop talking to each other, no longer
texting or calling or mention even the slightest thing such as
updating each other when either one of them are running late.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2km4ye
Social Support
Grave-Dressing
Partners look to friends and family as to how they feel about the
relationship.
Burying the relationship itself and accepting that it’s the end.
Resurrection Processes
Moving on with life without viewing the other person as an
intimate.
Social Support: This would allow the partner to secure
sympathy and support of others in regards to their side of the
relationship. It’s not typically constructive as it would include
furthering the breakup and push regrettable thoughts of actions.
Grave Dressing: We would work to make sense of the breakup
and mentally process why it has failed and how it has affected
us. It would include describing to others why the breakup
occurred and why it was inevitable.
Resurrection Processes: We would view ourselves as being
single again and we reorganize aspects of our lives in which we
originally changed in order to accommodate the initial
relationship.

Social Media and Romantic Relationships
Before social media, we were restricted
Long distance relationships made easy
Social media= easier to from and maintain relationships
New challenges
Misinterpretations
Giving false info about physical attractiveness
Cyberstalking
Cheating
Guidelines for Romantic Relationships
Engagement in Dual Perspective
Understanding of our own perspective as well as others
When you love someone, you want to be known by that person
You want to feel like the other partner takes your perspective
into account
This requires us to get to know the other person really well and
use that knowledge to guide out communicative choices

Practice Safe Sex
Reduce risk for getting STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases:
Like: chlamydia, herpes, HPV)
Committing to communication about safer sex is a matter of
health and survival
Effective interpersonal communication can help ease the
discomfort of negotiating safer sex.
Manage Conflict Effectively
Romantic bonds are important
Lack of skills of handling conflict can ruin a relationship
Many romantic relationships are not just loving
Arguments can turn violent
It is best to use verbal communication
Adapt Communication in Long-Distance Relationships
Majority of students are or have been in distance relationships
Problems or tensions can be resolved using communication
Greatest problem: lack of daily sharing of small events, and
trust
Unrealistic expectations about time together
Unequal effort invested by both partners

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SELF QUIZZING & PRACTICE

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Interpersonal Communication
Everyday Encounters
Julia T. Wood
Lineberger Distinguished Professor of Humanities Emerita
Caroline H. and Thomas S. Royster Distinguished
Professor of Graduate Education Emerita
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

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Julia T. Wood
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Printed in Canada Print Number: 01
Print Year: 2014

For my niece, Michelle, whose wit, imagination, and daring
inspire me

vi
Brief Contents
BRIEF CONTENTS
vii xvi xvii
1
103
133
Contents
Communication in Everyday Life Preface
Introduction
PARt OnE The Fabric of Interpersonal Communication
chap t er ONE
A FIRSt LOOK At IntERPERSOnAL COMMUnICAtIOn
chap t er T wO
COMMUnICAtIOn AnD PERSOnAL IDEntItY
chap t er T HREE
PERCEPtIOn AnD COMMUnICAtIOn
chap t er F OUR
THE wORLD OF wORDS
chap t er F IvE
THE wORLD BEYOnD wORDS
chap t er S IX
MInDFUL LIStEnInG
161

PARt TwO Weaving Communication into Relationships
chap t er S E vEN
EMOtIOnS AnD
189
217
246
281
307
9 COMMUnICAtIOn
chap t er E IgHT
COMMUnICAtIOn CLIMAtE: THE
44 FOUnDAtIOn OF PERSOnAL RELAtIOnSHIPS
chap t er N INE
73 MAnAGInG COnFLICt In RELAtIOnSHIPS
chap t er T EN
FRIEnDSHIPS In OUR LIVES
chap t er EL E vEN
COMMIttED ROMAntIC RELAtIOnSHIPS
chap t er T wE LvE
COMMUnICAtIOn In
FAMILIES 334
Epilogue: Continuing the Conversation 361 Glossary 365
References 371
Index 397
vii
Contents
CONTENTS

Communication in Everyday Life Preface
Introduction
xvi xvii
1
PART ONE The Fabric of Interpersonal Communication
chap t er ONE
A FIRSt LOOK At
IntERPERSOnAL COMMUnICAtIOn 9
DEFInInG IntERPERSOnAL
11
12
COMMUnICAtIOn
A Communication Continuum
Communication in Everyday Life— Workplace: Diagnosis:
Cultural Miscommunication
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Poor Interpersonal
Communication as the Number One Cause of Divorce
Features of Interpersonal Communication
MODELS OF IntERPERSOnAL COMMUnICAtIOn
Linear Models Interactive Models Transactional Models
The Interpersonal Imperative Physical Needs
Safety Needs Belonging Needs
Communication in Everyday Life— Social Media: Social
Networking on the Job
Self-Esteem Needs
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Missing
Socialization
Self-Actualization Needs
12
13
14

19
20
21
21
22
22
23
24
24
25
25
26
28
28
29
29
30
30
32
33
33
33
Participating Effectively in a Diverse Society 27
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Communicating
in a Multicultural World 28
PRInCIPLES OF IntERPERSOnAL COMMUnICAtIOn
Principle 1: We Cannot Not Communicate Principle 2:
Is Irreversible
Principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical
Choices
Principle 4: People Construct Meanings in Interpersonal
Communication
Principle 5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings
Principle 6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and
Sustains Relationships

Principle 7: Interpersonal Communication Is Not a Panacea
Principle 8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can
Be Learned
SOCIAL MEDIA In EVERYDAY LIFE
gUIDELInES FOR IntERPERSOnAL COMMUnICAtIOn
COMPEtEnCE
Develop a Range of Skills
Adapt Communication Appropriately Engage in Dual
Perspective
Monitor Your Communication Commit to Ethical
Communication
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
Continuing the Conversation Assessing Yourself
Everyday Skills Engaging with Ideas Thinking Critically
35
35
35
36
38
38
39
40
40
40
41
43
43
viii
Contents
chap t er T wO
COMMUnICAtIOn
AnD PERSOnAL IDEntItY

Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media:
Wonderful Me 46
wHAt IS tHE SELF? 46
chap t er T HREE
PERCEPtIOn AnD
44 COMMUnICAtIOn 73
THE PROCESS OF HUMAn PERCEPtIOn 75
Selection 75
The Self Arises in Communication with Others 46
47
49
54
55
57
62
62
64
65
Particular Others
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: A New Job for
Dad
The Generalized Other
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: What Does
Learning Mean?
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: David and
Brenda
PRESEntInG AnD NEGOtIAtInG
IDEntItY 59

SOCIAL MEDIA AnD PERSOnAL IDEntItY 61
gUIDELInES FOR EnRICHInG tHE SELF 62
Make a Firm Commitment to Personal Growth
Gain and Use Knowledge
to Support Personal Growth
Self-Disclose when Appropriate
Set Goals That Are Realistic and Fair Seek Contexts That
Support
Personal Change
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
Your Form
Form for Person Who Knows You Well Everyday Skills
Engaging with Ideas Thinking Critically
67
68
69
69
70
70
70
71
72
72
76
77
77
80
81
81
91
Inattention Blindness
Organization
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Which Line is

Longer?
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Racial
Stereotypes in the Workplace
Communication in Everyday Life— Diversity: “I Can’t
Understand the Teacher’s Accent.”
Interpretation
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Thinking Your Way
to a Good Relationship 84
InFLUEnCES On PERCEPtIOn 84
Physiology 84
Expectations 85
Age 85
Culture 86
Cognitive Abilities 88
Self 90
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD PERCEPtIOn 90 gUIDELInES FOR
IMPROVInG
PERCEPtIOn AnD COMMUnICAtIOn
Recognize That All Perceptions Are
Partial and Subjective 92
Avoid Mind Reading 92
Check Perceptions with Others 93 Distinguish between Facts
and Inferences 94 Guard against the Self-Serving Bias 94
Guard against the Fundamental
Attribution Error
Monitor Labels
95
95
ix
Contents
97

Communication in Everyday Life—Insight:
The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
Continuing the Conversation Everyday Skills
98
99
99
99
101
102
103
108
chap t er F OUR
THE wORLD OF wORDS
THE SYMBOLIC NAtURE
OF LAnGUAGE 105
Symbols Are Arbitrary 105
Symbols Are Ambiguous 106
Symbols Are Abstract 107
PRInCIPLES OF vERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn 107
Language and Culture Reflect Each Other 108
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: Google ‘R’
Us
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity:
Our Multicultural Language 109
The Meanings of Language Are Subjective 109 Language
Use Is Rule-Guided 110
Punctuation Shapes Meaning 111

SYMBOLIC ABILItIES 112
Language Defines Phenomena 112
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Everything Has a
Name!
Language Evaluates
Language Organizes Perceptions Language Allows
Hypothetical Thought
113
114
116
117
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Police Have
New Tool for Detecting Lies 118
Language Allows Self-Reflection 118
SPEECH COMMUnItIES
Gendered Speech Communities
Social Media and Verbal Communication
gUIDELInES FOR IMPROVInG vERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn
Engage in Dual Perspective
119
120
123
123
123
Communication in Everyday Life—Social
Media: Urban Dictionary in the Courtroom 123
Own Your Feelings and Thoughts Respect What Others Say
about Their
Feelings and Thoughts
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Respecting
Others’ Experiences
Strive for Accuracy and Clarity
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts

124
126
126
127
128
129
129
130
130
132
132
chap t er F IvE
THE wORLD BEYOnD wORDS 133
DEFInInG NOnVERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn 135
Similarities between Verbal and
135
137
138
138
138
Nonverbal Communication
Differences between Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
PRInCIPLES OF NOnVERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn
Nonverbal Communication May Supplement or Replace Verbal
Communication
Nonverbal Communication May Regulate Interaction
Nonverbal Communication Often
Establishes Relationship-Level Meanings 139
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: FoMO
Nonverbal Communication Reflects and Expresses Cultural
Values

139
141
TYPES OF NOnVERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn 143
Kinesics
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Cultural
Differences in Workplace Nonverbal Communication
Haptics
Physical Appearance
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Kiss 5 6.4 Calories
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Beauty for Sale
Artifacts
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Kwanzaa
Environmental Factors Proxemics and Personal Space
Chronemics
Paralanguage Silence
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD NOnVERBAL COMMUnICAtIOn
gUIDELInES FOR IMPROVInG NOnVERBAL
COMMUnICAtIOn
Monitor Your Nonverbal Communication Interpret Others’
Nonverbal
Communication Tentatively
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Policing a
Multicultural Society
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
x
Contents
143

143
144
145
145
146
147
148
148
149
150
150
151
152
153
153
153
154
156
156
157
157
158
159
160
chap t er S IX
MInDFUL LIStEnInG
THE LIStEnInG PROCESS
Communication in Everyday Life— Workplace: Good Listening
5 Career Advancement
Mindfulness
Physically Receiving Messages
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: The Illusion
of Competence
Selecting and Organizing Material Interpreting Communication
Responding
Remembering

OBStACLES tO MInDFUL LIStEnInG
External Obstacles
Technological Overload
Internal Obstacles
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Cookbook
Medicine
FORMS OF NOnLIStEnInG
Pseudolistening Monopolizing Selective Listening Defensive
Listening Ambushing
Literal Listening
ADAPtInG LIStEnInG tO COMMUnICAtIOn gOALS
Listening for Pleasure Listening for Information Listening to
Support Others
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD LIStEnInG
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Listener of the
Year
161
163
163
164
164
165
166
166
167
167
168
168
169
170
171
173
173
174
175

175
176
176
177
177
177
179
181
181
xi
Contents
gUIDELInES FOR EFFECtIVE LIStEnInG 182
Be Mindful 182
Adapt Listening Appropriately 182
Listen Actively 183
Chapter Summary 183
Key Concepts 184
Continuing the Conversation 184
Everyday Skills 185
Engaging with Ideas 187
Thinking Critically 187
PARt TwO Weaving Communication into Relationships
chap t er S E vEN
EMOtIOnS AnD
189

191
COMMUnICAtIOn
EMOtIOnAL IntELLIGEnCE
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: EQ and Career
Advancement
UnDERStAnDInG EMOtIOnS
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: The
Dragonfly Effect
Physiological Influences on Emotions Perceptual Influences on
Emotions Cultural Influences on Emotions Communication in
Everyday Life—Diversity:
The Social Shaping of Grief
OBStACLES tO COMMUnICAtInG EMOtIOnS EFFECtIVELY
Reasons We May Not Express Emotions
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Sugar and Spice
and Bullying!
The Ineffective Expression of Emotions
192
193
194
194
194
196
197
200
201
202
204
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: EQ on the Job
204
205
206
207
207
208
209

209
210
211
212
212
213
214
215
216
216
217
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: What the
###!!***! Is Going On at This
**@@#!!! Company?
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD EMOtIOnS
gUIDELInES FOR COMMUnICAtInG EMOtIOnS
EFFECtIVELY
Identify Your Emotions
Choose Whether and How to Express Emotions
Own Your Feelings Monitor Your Self-Talk
Adopt a Rational–Emotive Approach to Feelings
Respond Sensitively When Others Communicate Emotions
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
chap t er EIgHT
COMMUnICAtIOn CLIMAtE: THE FOUnDAtIOn OF
PERSOnAL RELAtIOnSHIPS
FEAtURES OF SAtISFYInG RELAtIOnSHIPS
Investment Commitment Trust
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: What Keeps
Relationships Together?
Comfort with Relational Dialectics
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Dialogue and
Doing: Alternate Paths to Closeness

219
220
220
221
221
223
225
xii
Contents
229
COnFIRMInG AnD DISCOnFIRMInG CLIMAtES 226
Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation 227 Confirming
and Disconfirming
Communication
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Guidelines for
Confirming Communication with People with Disabilities
230
231
232
234
235
236
Online Support
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Scolding

Doesn’t Motivate
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Mentoring
Relationships
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD COMMUnICAtIOn CLIMAtE
gUIDELInES FOR CREAtInG AnD SUStAInInG COnFIRMInG
CLIMAtES
Actively Use Communication
to Build Confirming Climates
Accept and Confirm Others Affirm and Assert Yourself
Respect Diversity in Relationships
Respond Constructively to Criticism
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
Continuing the Conversation Everyday Skills
236
236
237
238
239
240
241
241
242
245
245
chap t er NINE
MAnAGInG COnFLICt In RELAtIOnSHIPS 246
DEFInInG IntERPERSOnAL COnFLICt 250
Expressed Tension 250
Interdependence 250
251
251
251
251
252

254
256
256
257
257
258
259
259
260
260
261
261
261
262
262
264
267
269
270
Perceived Incompatible Goals The Felt Need for Resolution
PRInCIPLES OF COnFLICt
Principle 1: Conflict Is Natural in Most Western Relationships
Principle 2: Conflict May Be Expressed Overtly or Covertly
Principle 3: Social Groups Shape the Meaning of Conflict
Behaviors
Principle 4: Conflict Can Be Managed Well or Poorly
Principle 5: Conflict Can Be Good for Individuals and
Relationships
ORIEntAtIOnS tO COnFLICt
Lose–Lose Win–Lose Win–Win
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Japanese and
American Styles of Negotiation
RESPOnSES tO COnFLICt
The Exit Response The Neglect Response The Loyalty
Response The Voice Response
COMMUnICAtIOn PAttERnS DURInG COnFLICt

Unproductive Conflict Communication Constructive Conflict
Communication Conflict Management Skills Communication
in Everyday
Life—Workplace: Conflict in the
Workplace
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD COnFLICt
gUIDELInES FOR EFFECtIVE COMMUnICAtIOn DURInG
COnFLICt
Focus on the Overall Communication System
271
271
Contents
318
xiii
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: Using Social
Media to Reduce Conflict
Time Conflict Purposefully Aim for Win–Win Conflict Honor
Yourself, Your Partner,
and the Relationship
Show Grace When Appropriate
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: The
Communication of Forgiveness
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts

271
272
273
274
274
275
276
276
277
278
279
280
280
281
283
283
283
286
286
287
289
289
290
292
292
293
293
chap t er TEN
FRIEnDSHIPS In OUR LIVES
THE NAtURE OF FRIEnDSHIP
Willingness to Invest Emotional Closeness Acceptance
Trust Support
THE DEVELOPMEnt OF FRIEnDSHIP
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Workplace
Friendships

Growth Stages
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Friendships
around the World
Deterioration Stages
PRESSURES On FRIEnDSHIPS
Internal Tensions
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Just Friends?
294
External Pressures
295
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Friendships
across the Life Span
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD FRIEnDSHIPS
Cyberbullying
gUIDELInES FOR COMMUnICAtIOn BEtwEEn FRIEnDS
Engage in Dual Perspective Communicate Honestly Grow from
Differences Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: “I’ve held you in
my heart”
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
295
297
298
298
299
299
300
301
301
302
302
302

303
304
305
306
chap t er EL E v E N
Dimensions of Romantic Relationships Styles of Loving
THE DEVELOPMEnt OF ROMAntIC RELAtIOnSHIPS
Growth
Communication in Everyday Life— Diversity: Development of
Interracial Relationships
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Valentine’s Day
307
309
309
311
314
315
316
xiv
Contents
319
320
321

321
322
323
324
324
325
Navigation
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Workplace
Romance
Deterioration
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Ambiguous Loss
Cybermemorials
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD ROMAntIC RELAtIOnSHIPS
gUIDELInES FOR COMMUnICAtInG In ROMAntIC
RELAtIOnSHIPS
Engage in Dual Perspective Practice Safe Sex
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Facts about
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Manage Conflict Constructively Adapt Communication to
Maintain
Long-Distance Relationships
Chapter Summary
Key Concepts
325
327
329
330
330
330
331
332
333
333

chap t er T wE LvE
COMMUnICAtIOn In FAMILIES 334
DIVERSItY In FAMILY LIFE 336
Diverse Forms of Families 337 Diverse Goals
for Families
339
339
341
341
341
342
342
343
344
345
345
346
346
347
348
348
349
350
350
351
352
352
Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Voluntary Kin
Cultural Diversity of Family Forms Diverse Family Types
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: Breadwinning—
Increasingly a Shared Responsibility
COMMUnICAtIOn In FAMILIES
Elements in Family Communication
Communication in Everyday Life—Diversity: Love Languages
Communication Patterns
THE FAMILY LIFE CYCLE

Communication in Everyday Life—Insight: Difficult Dialogues
Stage 1: Establishing a Family Stage 2: Enlarging a Family
Stage 3: Developing a Family
Stage 4: Encouraging Independence Stage 5: Launching
Children
Stage 6: Postlaunching of Children Stage 7: Retirement
Communication in Everyday Life—Social Media: Connecting
Generations
SOCIAL MEDIA AnD FAMILY COMMUnICAtIOn
gUIDELInES FOR EFFECtIVE COMMUnICAtIOn In
FAMILIES
Maintain Equity in Family Relationships
Communication in Everyday Life—Workplace: The Second
Shift
Make Daily Choices That Enhance Intimacy
Show Respect and Consideration Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
353
354
355
355
xv
Contents
Chapter Summary356Thinking Critically360Key
Concepts357Epilogue: Continuing the
Conversation361Continuing the
Conversation357Glossary365Everyday
Skills359References371Engaging with Ideas359Index397

xvi
Communication in Everyday Life
COMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE
DGuidelines for Confirming Communication
with People with Disabilities (Ch. 8)230Friendships around the
World (Ch. 10)292Friendships across the Life Span (Ch.
10)295“I’ve held you in my heart” (Ch. 10)301Development of
Interracial Relationships (Ch. 11)316Love Languages (Ch.
12)343IVERSITY Voluntary Kin (Ch. 12) 339Missing
Socialization (Ch. 1)25Difficult Dialogues (Ch.
12)345Communicating in a Multicultural World (Ch. 1) What
Does Learning Mean? (Ch. 2)28
55SOCIAL MEDIADavid and Brenda (Ch. 2)57Social
Networking on the Job (Ch. 1)24Which Line is Longer? (Ch.
3)77Wonderful Me (Ch. 2)46“I Can’t Understand the
Teacher’sInattention Blindness (Ch. 3)76Accent.” (Ch.
3)81Google ‘R’ Us (Ch. 4)108Our Multicultural Language (Ch.
4)109Urban Dictionary in the Courtroom (Ch. 4)123Everything
Has a Name! (Ch. 4)113FoMO (Ch. 5)139Respecting Others’
Experiences (Ch. 4)126The Illusion of Competence (Ch.
6)165Kwanzaa (Ch. 5)148Technological Overload (Ch.
6)169Policing a Multicultural Society (Ch. 5)154The Dragonfly

Effect (Ch. 7)194The Social Shaping of Grief (Ch. 7)197Online
Support (Ch. 8)231Sugar and Spice and Bullying! (Ch.
7)202Using Social Media to Reduce Conflict (Ch.
9)271Dialogue and Doing: Alternate PathsCyberbullying (Ch.
10)298to Closeness (Ch. 8)225Cybermemorials (Ch. 11)322
Connecting Generations (Ch. 12)
350
WORKPLACEDiagnosis: Cultural Miscommunication (Ch.
1)12A New Job for Dad (Ch. 2)49Racial Stereotypes in the
Workplace (Ch. 3)80Police Have New Tool for Detecting Lies
(Ch. 4)118Cultural Differences in Workplace Nonverbal
Communication (Ch. 5)143INSIGHTGood Listening 5 Career
Advancement (Ch. 6)163Poor Interpersonal Communication as
theCookbook Medicine (Ch. 6)171Number One Cause of
Divorce (Ch. 1)13EQ and Career Advancement (Ch.
7)192Thinking Your Way to a Good Relationship (Ch. 3)84EQ
on the Job (Ch. 7)204The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing
but the Truth (Ch. 3)97What the ###!!***! Is Going on at This
**@@#!!! Company? (Ch. 7)205Kiss 5 6.4 Calories (Ch.
5)145Scolding Doesn’t Motivate (Ch. 8)232Beauty for Sale (Ch.
5)146Mentoring Relationships (Ch. 8)234Listener of the Year
(Ch. 6)181Japanese and American Styles ofWhat Keeps
Relationships Together? (Ch. 8)221Negotiation (Ch. 9)259The
Communication of Forgiveness (Ch. 9)275Conflict in the
Workplace (Ch. 9)269Just Friends? (Ch. 10)294Workplace
Friendships (Ch. 10)289Valentine’s Day (Ch. 11)318Workplace
Romance (Ch. 11)320Ambiguous Loss (Ch.
11)321Breadwinning—Increasingly a SharedFacts about
Sexually Transmitted DiseasesResponsibility (Ch. 12)341(Ch.
11)325The Second Shift (Ch. 12)353

Encounters incorporates research from other fields. For
example, research in psychology deepens our understanding
of the role of attributions in interpersonal perception. Ongoing
work in anthropology, sociology, philosophy, psychology,
and other disciplines enriches insight into differences in com-
munication that are influenced by gender, economic class,
sexual orientation, ethnicity, and race.
Attention to Significant Social Trends
Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters speaks to
the context of students’ lives today. I have given attention to
the social trends, issues, and concerns that characterize the
21st century in Western culture.
Social Diversity The United States, like many other
countries, is enriched by a cornucopia of people, heritages,
customs, and ways of interacting. Interpersonal
Communication: Everyday Encounters reflects and addresses
social diversity by weaving it into the basic fabric of
interpersonal communication. Truly incorporating diversity
into this book entails more than adding an isolated chapter on
the topic or tacking paragraphs about gender or race onto
conventional coverage of topics. To achieve a more organic
approach to diversity, I weave discussion of race, ethnicity,
economic class, gender, age, religion, and sexual orientation
into the book as a whole. This approach allows students to
appreciate the relevance of diversity to all aspects of
interpersonal communication. For example, in exploring
personal identity, I examine race, gender, socioeconomic class,
and sexual orientation as the core facets of identity. You’ll also
find numerous examples of ways in which diversity affects
communication in the contemporary workplace, which is
populated by people from different cultures and social
communities. Chapters 4 and 5, which cover verbal and
nonverbal communication, respectively, feature examples of
communication in non-Western cultures. Chapter 11, on
romantic relationships, discusses research on

xvii
Preface
PREFACE
I wrote this book to introduce students to knowledge and
skills that will allow them to live fuller, more satisfying lives
than they could without competence in interpersonal
communication. To achieve that goal, Interpersonal
Communication: Everyday Encounters is distinct in three ways.
First, it gives prominence to theories, research, and practical
skills from the field of communication and supplements these
with scholarship from other fields. Second, this book gives
strong attention to three issues that are vital in the 21st
century: social diversity, social media, and workplace contexts.
Finally, this book offers unique pedagogical features that
encourage personal learning. Throughout the book, I
encourage students to engage theory and concepts personally
and to apply theoretical and practical information to their lives.
In writing this book, I’ve focused on communication research
and theory and complemented them with work from other
fields. Interpersonal communication is a well-established
intellectual area, complete with a base of knowledge, theories,
and research developed by communication scholars. The
maturation of interpersonal communication as an intellectual
discipline is evident in the substantial original research
published in academic journals and scholarly books. Consistent
with this scholarly growth, Interpersonal Communication:
Everyday Encounters features current research on communi-

cation. For example, Chapter 2 discusses communication
strategies that we use to present our face and, if it’s threatened,
to protect it. Chapter 6, which focuses on listening, invites
students to consider research showing that social media
increasingly interfere with mindful, attentive listening; Chapter
11 discusses ways that social media facilitate and sometimes
constrain interpersonal communication and offers information
on long-distance romantic relationships, which are increasingly
common. And Chapter 12 highlights family communication
patterns that influence how parents and children interact and
what they can talk about.
Scholarship in other fields can enhance understanding of
communication. For this reason, Interpersonal
Communication: Everyday
xviii
Preface
interracial, gay, and lesbian romance; and Chapter 12, on
family communication, includes research on a range of
families, including ones that are not white, middle-class, and
heterosexual.
To discourage stereotyped thinking about groups of people, I
rely on qualifying adjectives. For instance, when citing
research about differences between Hispanic and European
American communication patterns, I refer to “most
Hispanics” and what is “typical of European Americans.” My

intent is to remind students that generalizations are limited
and may not apply to every member of a group.
To further weave diversity into this book, I include
“Communication in Everyday Life” features that emphasize
connections between communication and diversity.
Social Media Another defining feature of our era is the
pervasive presence of social media in our lives. We use e-mail
and texting to stay in touch with friends and family. We join
online support groups. We blog, check Facebook, Skype, text,
and instant message (IM). We participate in online religious
and political discussions. We meet people, make friends,
network, flirt, and date—all online. As with social diversity,
this topic is better covered by integrating it organically into all
chapters rather than by relegat- ing it to a separate chapter.
Every chapter in this edition includes a main section,
immediately before the chapter’s summary “Guidelines for”
section, in which I discuss how social media pertain to the
chapter’s content. In addition, this edition includes
“Communication in Everyday Life” features that highlight
social media. Finally, I have integrated technology into the text
itself. I suggest a number of websites and online sources for
students who want to learn more about particular topics in
“Communication in Everyday Life.”
Ethics Ethical issues are much in the news. We hear reports
about insider trading in the stock mar- ket, politicians who take
bribes, and public officials who have affairs and engage in
sexting. Yet, ethical issues are not confined to the public
realm. They also surface in interpersonal life; in fact, they
infuse interpersonal interaction. We are frequently confronted
with ethical choices: Do we tell a “white lie” when a friend
asks us how we like a very expensive new hair- style she has or
do we tell her that we don’t think it’s flattering? Do we
exaggerate our attractiveness when
creating our profile for an online dating site? Do we pretend to
be listening when we are really not? Do we judge people from
other cultures by the norms and standards of our own culture?

These are just a few of the ethical considerations that arise in
our everyday encounters. To underline the ethical character of
interpersonal communication, I call attention to such issues
both in the chapter content and in the “Thinking Critically”
exercises at the end of each chapter.
Coverage of Timely Topics
Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters provides
coverage of topics and issues that have increased importance in
this era. There is a full chapter on friendships, because so many
of my students tell me that friendships are essential to them in
the face of the growing number of broken marriages and
geographically dispersed families. Social media make it
possible for friends to stay in touch with each other across
distances that separate them. The chapter on romantic
relationships addresses some of the “dark side” issues in
intimate relationships such as abuse and violence between
intimates. This chapter also discusses using communication to
negotiate safer sex in an era where hooking up is not
uncommon and sexually transmitted diseases are a danger.
Students are also increasingly career-focused. They want to
know how what they are studying per- tains to the world of
work and how it will help them succeed in that world. This
edition of Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters
gives prominence to connections between interpersonal com-
munication concepts and skills and the workplace in four ways.
First, I include research about on-the- job communication
within each chapter. Second, I call attention to particularly
interesting connections between interpersonal communication
and careers by highlighting them in “Communication in
Everyday Life—Workplace” boxes. Third, at the end of each
chapter, I include a workplace application. Finally, for
instructors who want fuller coverage of on-the- job
communication, I have prepared a chapter on organizational
communication that can be bundled with this text as a part of
our customization program; contact your sales representative
for details.

xix
Preface
Changes in the Eighth Edition
Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters has
evolved in response to feedback from instructors and students
as well as new research in communication and kindred
disciplines.
I have made several significant content changes in this edition:
Thiseditionweavesculturaldiversitymore thor- oughly into the
book. Specifically, Chapter 2, which covers identity, discusses
cultural influences on self-presentation. Chapter 3, which
focuses on perception, highlights research showing that people
from different cultures actually perceive visual phenomena
differently—Westerners are more likely to be de- ceived by
optical illusions than are people whose physical environments
have fewer box shapes (for instance, rooms in homes). My dis -
cussion of conflict (Chapter 9) now includes information about
cultural influences, on how people manage conflict and the
extent to which they help one another maintain or save face in
conflict situations.
As noted earlier, this edition provides stronger and more
integrated attention to social media. Every chapter includes a
section that discusses connections between chapter themes and
social media. In addition, every chapter includes one or more
“Communication in Everyday Life” features that highlight

social media.
The text gives enhanced attention to ethics. In addition to
coverage of ethical choices woven throughout the text, a
Thinking Critically question focused specifically on ethics
appears at the end of each chapter.
Chapter 2, Communication and Personal Iden- tity, includes a
new section on how we express, or perform, our identities. In
highlighting our human ability to choose how to perform our
identities, this new material provides a useful complement to
existing coverage of ways that others and culture shape
identity.
I’ve revised Chapter 12, Communication in Families, to be
more relevant to contemporary students. I have added
discussion of family
communication patterns that reflect the de- grees of openness
and hierarchy in different families, and I have included
material on cultural influences on family interaction. I have
added material on difficult conversations, such as telling
parents of an unplanned pregnancy or the intention to drop out
of school, or helping parents transition to retirement
communities. This new material should help students think
about and manage issues that face or will face them and their
families.
I have included findings from more than 125 new sources that
reflect the latest research related to interpersonal
communication. At- tention to current research ensures that
Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters remains
grounded in strong scholarship while also being accessible to
students.
Pedagogy for Personal Learning
In addition to this book’s distinct conceptual emphases, I’ve
adopted a conversational and personal tone to encourage
students to feel they are full participants in a dialogue. I use
contractions, as people do in everyday conversations. Also, I
include examples of everyday interactions so that abstract
ideas are clarified in practical ways. In my writing, I share wi th

students some of the communication challenges and encounters
that have surfaced in my life. The conversational writing style
aims to prompt students to think of their own examples and
applications of material presented in the book. As students
do this, they interact personally with the concepts, principles,
and skills presented in this book.
My voice is not the only one that students will encounter in
this book. All chapters are enhanced by a second personal
learning feature— student commentaries that were written by
students in interpersonal communication classes at my
university and other colleges and universities around the
nation. Their experiences, insights, and concerns broaden the
conversation to include a wide range of perspectives. The
student commentaries also encourage active learning through
observation, comparison,
xx
Preface
and analysis. As students read the commentaries, they observe
others and compare and contrast others’ experiences and
perspectives with their own. If students wish to write their own
commentaries for future editions of this book, I invite them to
send those to me at Cengage.
In particular, this edition’s pedagogy is built on a strengthened
learning architecture, based on skill building, application, and
critical thinking, reflected and integrated carefully in

MindTap—a personalized teaching experience with
assignments that guide students to analyze, apply, and improve
thinking, allowing instructors to measure skills and outcomes
with ease. At MindTap students are able to use dynamic
technological resources, including interactive videos and
simulations; find high-value gradable activities; and practice in
an engaging, personalized online environment.
Each chapter now previews the chapter content for students
with an easily reviewed set of Learn- ing Objectives paired
with a chapter outline. Each Learning Objective has been
carefully matched with one or more activities that will
demonstrate its mastery.
The photo program now includes more stills from popular
media, with thought-provoking captions.
“Everyday Skills” now cover most Learning Objectives and
emphasize that they are all about skill building. They may be
answered in the book or online, in MindTap.
“Communication in Everyday Life” features— with the
subcategories “Diversity,” “Insight, “Social Media,” and
“Workplace”—highlight interesting research and examples of
interpersonal communication in real life. These items
encourage students to observe how principles and concepts
actually work in concrete situations, to witness the applica-
tion of theory and concepts to particular cases, and to compare
their own experiences and values with those presented in the
“Communication in Every- day Life” features. The features
now include a new “Social Media” subcategory; I have renamed
the “Career” subcategory “Workplace” to reflect the
fact that not all work need be considered a “career”; and I often
conclude with a suggestion for applying the boxed material via
reflection, action, or visiting an online site, to which students
can provide written responses in MindTap.
An unparalleled collection of skill-building, application, and
critical thinking activities appears at chapter’s end and online
in MindTap, beginning with the highly engaging “Continuing
the Conver- sation” video situations. Chapter-end features have

been revised and reorganized to provide a logical learning
sequence for all activities, building up to progressively more
challenging levels of practice and application. The levels move
from the simplest review (“Chapter Summary” and “Key
Concepts”) to the most challenging application (“Thinking
Critically”).
High-value, gradable versions of all activities are incorporated
in MindTap, and MindTap is cued in the text wherever
appropriate, to remind students that they may take activities
there interactively. End-of- chapter highlights:
“Continuing the Conversation,” a short case study that
continues the conversation of the chapter by allowing
students to see how the theories and principles that they just
read about show up in everyday life, appears first, as a warm-
up activity. Video is available for students in MindTap.
“Assessing Yourself” self-assessment quizzes in most chapters
allow students to apply chapter concepts at the most basic
level: themselves.
“Everyday Skills” emphasize the next level of application: skill
building with author support. “Everyday Skills” icons in the
book’s margins point students to these skill-building
application exercises at the end of the chapter. In MindTap
these exercises may be taken exactly where they are ref-
erenced in the text.
“Engaging with Ideas” reflections and “Think- ing Critically”
activities allow students to reflect and write in more depth—in
MindTap—by considering questions about personal, on-the-
job, and ethical applications.
xxi
Preface
Additional Resources for Instructors
Accompanying Interpersonal Communication: Everyday
Encounters is an Instructor Companion Website where you will

find an Instructor’s Resource Manual, Cengage Learning
Testing Powered by Cognero, and PowerPoint presentations.
The extensive Instructor’s Resource Manual, coauthored by
Narissra Punyanunt-Carter of Texas Tech University and me,
supplements the textbook. The manual discusses philosophical
and pragmatic considerations involved in teaching the introduc-
tory course in interpersonal communication. It also includes
suggestions for course emphases, sample syllabi, exercises, and
films appropriate for each chapter, journal items, and panel
ideas.
Cengage Learning Testing Powered by Cognero
is a flexible, online system that allows you to
Author, edit, and manage test bank content
from multiple Cengage Learning solutions.
•
multiple test versions in an instant.
Deliver tests from your LMS, your class- room, or wherever
you want.
The Microsoft® PowerPoint® presentations are predesigned for
use with the book and fully customizable.
Acknowledgments
Although my name is the only one that appears as the author of
this book, many people have contributed to it. I am especially
indebted to my product manager at Cengage, Nicole Morinon.
From the start, she was a full partner in this project. Her in-
terest and insights greatly enhanced the content of this book,
and her amazing sense of humor and fun made working on it a
joy.
Also essential to this book were members of the publishing
team who transformed my manu- script into the final book you
are holding. Spe- cifically, I thank Sue Gleason Wade, my
awesome
senior content developer; Karolina Kiwak, associate content
developer; Stacey Purviance, marketing director; Dan Saabye,
content project manager; Jessica Badiner, senior media
developer; Colin Solan, product assistant; Daniel Nighting,

copyedi- tor; Linda May, art director; Ann Hoffman, IP
analyst; and Sumathy Kumaran, project manager.
In addition to the editorial and production teams at Cengage, I
am grateful to the survey respondents and reviewers who gave
me valuable feedback that I used in preparing this edition:
Erica Cooper, Roanoke College; Karen Daas, University of
Texas at San Antonio; Tina Harris, University of Georgia;
Stacy Kuntzman, University of North Carolina at Charlotte;
Dianna Laurent, Southeastern Louisiana University; Matt
Sanders, Utah State University; Kristi Schaller, University of
Georgia; Neeley Silberman, Saint Mary’s College; Brent
Sleasman, Gannon University; Jason Stone, Oklahoma State
University, Oklahoma City; and Judith Vogel, Des Moines Area
Community College.
Finally, I am indebted to family and friends who enrich my
life. At the top of that list is Robbie (Robert) Cox, my partner
in love, life, adventure, and dreams for 40 years. He cheers
with me when writing is going well and bolsters my
confidence when it isn’t. He provides a critical ear when I want
a sound- ing board and privacy when I am immersed in a proj-
ect. And he is an ongoing source of experience in interpersonal
communication. Along with Robbie, I am fortunate to have the
love and support of my sister Carolyn and my close friends,
Todd, Sue, and LindaBecker. And, of course, always, I
appreciate the love and patience of the four-footed members of
my family: our dog, Cassidy, and our cats, Rigby and Rowdy.
Unlike my two-footed friends, these three keep me company
when I am writing at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
October 2014

xxii
About the Author
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Julia Wood joined the faculty at the University of North
Carolina at Chapel Hill when she was 24. During her 37 years
on the faculty, she taught classes and conducted research on
personal relationships and on gender, communication, and
culture. She was named the Lineberger Distinguished Professor
of Humanities and the Caroline H. and Thomas S. Royster
Distinguished Professor of Graduate Education.
She has published 25 books and 100 articles and book chapters.
In addition, she has presented more than 100 papers at
professional conferences and campuses around the United
States. She has
received 14 awards honoring her teaching and 16 awards
recognizing her scholarship.
Professor Wood lives with her partner, Robert Cox, who is a
Professor Emeritus of Communication Studies at the University
of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Sharing their home are their
dog, Cassidy, and two cats, Rigby and Rowdy.
Professor Wood continues to write and conduct research. In

addition, she tutors ESL students in reading, volunteers at her
local animal shelter, and enjoys travel and conversation with
friends, family members, and former students.
INTRODUCTION
© wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock.com
2
Introduction
STARTING THE CONVERSATION
When I was 20 years old, something happened that changed the
rest of my life: I took my first interpersonal communication
class. A new world of meaning opened up for me as I learned
about the power of communication to enhance or harm our
relationships. The more courses I took, the more fascinated I
became, so I decided to make a career of studying and teaching
interpersonal communication. I wrote Interpersonal
Communication: Everyday Encounters because I wanted to
awaken you, as my first course awakened me, to the power of
interpersonal communication to enrich us and the relationships
in our lives.

In the opening pages of this book, I’ll introduce you to the field
of interpersonal communication, to myself, to the features of
this book, and to some of the special concerns and issues that
surround interpersonal communication in this era.
THE FIELD OF COMMUNICATION
The field of communication has a long and distinguished
intellectual history. It dates back to ancient Greece, where
great philosophers such as Aristotle and Plato taught rhetoric,
or public speaking, as a necessary skill for participation in civic
life. In the 2,000 years since the communication field
originated, it has expanded to encompass many kinds of
interaction, including group discussion, family commu-
nication, health communication, oral traditions, organizational
communication, and interpersonal communication.
Interpersonal communication is one of the most popular and
vibrant areas in the discipline. Student demand for courses in
interpersonal communication is consistently strong. Faculty
respond by offering more classes, including advanced ones,
that help students learn to interact effectively in their everyday
interpersonal encounters.
Reflecting the intellectual maturity of the field, communication
theory and research offer rich insight into the impact of
interpersonal communication on individual identity and on
personal, social, and professional relationships. Because
interpersonal communication is central to our lives, it naturally
intersects with other disciplines that are concerned with human
behavior. Thus, research in communication contributes to and
draws from work in such fields as psychology, business,
sociology, anthropology, and coun- seling. The
interdisciplinary mingling of ideas enriches the overall per spec-
tive on human interaction that you will find in Interpersonal
Communication: Everyday Encounters.
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3
Introduction
A PERSONAL INTRODUCTION
When I was an undergraduate, most of the books I read seemed
distant and impersonal. I never had the feeling a real human
being had written them, and authors never introduced
themselves except by stating their titles. Certainly, that’s no
way to begin a book about interpersonal communication! I’d
like to introduce myself personally to you and explain my
reasons for writing this book.
As I’ve already mentioned, I became fascinated by interpersonal
communication when I was an undergraduate student. Today,
I’m more excited than ever about the study and practice of
interpersonal communication. It has been exciting to watch and
participate in the growth of research on interpersonal
communication and to observe how strong scholarship has
facilitated applications to people’s everyday lives. Although
research and writing occupy a great deal of my time, I have
other interests as well. For instance, I tutor English as a second
language (ESL) citizens in English, and I invest in caring for
animals that have been abused or abandoned.
I also cherish my relationships with my partner, Robbie, and
close friends and family. My interaction with these people
continuously enlarges my appreciation of the vital role of
interpersonal communication in our everyday lives.
In describing myself to you, I can also tell you that I am

European American, southern, middle class, middle aged, and
heterosexual and that I strive to live in ways that are consistent
with
my spiritual values. Each facet
of my identity shapes how I communicate, just as your age,
race, class, gender, spirituality, and sexual orientation shape
your communication. For instance, I don’t know what it is
like to be a man, to be in a same-sex romantic relationship, or
to live in poverty. However, that doesn’t mean that I, or you,
can’t learn to understand and respect the experiences of people
who differ—sometimes radically—from us.
All of us are limited by our own identities and the experi -
ences and understandings they have—and have not—given us.
Yet this doesn’t mean we have to be completely uninformed
about those who differ from us. In fact, the more we interact
with a range of people, the more we discover important
DivERsitY
A Kaleidoscopic Culture
The face of America is changing. We have always been a
country of many races and ethnicities, and it’s only going to
become more so in years ahead. By 2043, the Census predicts
that there will be no majority racial
or ethnic group in the United States; by 2018, there will be no
single racial or ethnic majority group of people under 18 years
old (Cooper, 2013). Between 2005 and 2050, demographics in
the United States are projected to change substantially (Yen,

2012).20052050African
American13%13%Asian5%9%Caucasian67%47%Hispanic14%2
9%
The Census also predicts that there will be more older
Americans in the years to come. Currently 1 in 7 Americans is
65 or older; by 2060, that should grow to 1 in 5 (Cooper,
2013).
To learn more about changing demographics in the United
States, go to http://www.census.gov.Read information in the
“People” category under “Estimates and Projections.”
4
Introduction
similarities as well as interesting differences. Learning about
both is essential for ethical, effective participation in our
pluralistic world.
Living and Learning in a Diverse World
In our era, it is essential to learn about and respect perspectives
that differ from our own and from those of the communities in
which we were raised. It’s very likely that you will have
friends and neighbors of different ethnic backgrounds from
your own. It’s even more likely—almost guaranteed—that you
will work with people of diverse ages, races, ethnicities, sexual
orientations, and spiritual commitments. You may date people
of many races and religious backgrounds, and if you have
children, it’s very likely they will do the same. Personal
effectiveness in our era requires skill in communicating well
with a range of people.
Interacting with people who differ from us not only teaches us
about them; it also prompts insights about ourselves.
Westerners can see their competitive
attitude toward athletics in a
new light if they consider the Japanese preference for tied or
very close scores in sport- ing events so that neither side loses

face. It is difficult to understand what whiteness is if you
interact only with whites; it’s hard to recognize the character
of heterosexuality if you know only straight people. Thus,
learning about people in other cultures and people who are
outside of what the culture defines as mainstream inevitably
teaches us about the mainstream as well.
The diversity of our society offers both opportunities and
challenges. Exploring varia- tions in gender, race, class,
cultural heritage, sexual orientation, age, physical and
mental ability, and spiritual belief can enhance our appr e-
ciation of the range of human behavior and the options open to
us as people and as communicators. At the same time,
diversity can complicate interaction because people may
About Vocabulary in this Book
Because social diversity is woven into this book, it’s important
to think carefully about the language used to refer to social
groups. Drawing on research, I present generalizations about
various groups. Whenever possible, I cite research done by
members of the groups we are discussing so we understand
groups from the perspectives of insiders. But the gener-
alizations are only that: generalizations. They are not universal
truths that apply to all members of a group. There are always
exceptions to generalizations. As you read, you may discover
that you are a living exception to some of the generalizations
about groups to which you belong. If so, you may want to
reflect on the reasons you depart from group tendencies.
Generalizations should not be used to stereotype members of
particular groups. For instance, in Chapter 4 you will read
about gendered speech communities. You will learn how
women and men typically—but not always, not in every case—
differ in their communication styles. You will also learn about
communication patterns in some traditional African American
communities. The general patterns you read about don’t de-
scribe every woman, man, or African American. Any of us may
depart from the usual patterns of our groups, because of
individual differences and because we belong to multiple

groups.
The key point to keep in mind as you read is this:
Generalizations are both important and limited. They are
important because they inform us of broad patterns that can be
useful starting points in our efforts to understand and interact
with others. At the same time, generalizations are limited
because they do not necessarily tell us about any single
individual who belongs to a group. Thus, it’s important to
qualify generalizations. You’ll notice that I use words such as
usually, typically, and in general. These are to remind us that
there are exceptions to generalizations, so we can never assume
that a generalization applies to a specific person.
DivERsitY
5
Introduction
communicate in dissimilar ways and misunderstand one another,
as Yih-Tang Lin notes in her commentary.
When I first came here to school, I was amazed at how big the
rooms in dormitories are, so I remarked on this. All of the
Americans had a laugh at that and thought I was joking. In my
country, individuals have very little space, and houses are
tight together. The first time an American disagreed with me,
I felt angry that he would make me lose face. We don’t ever

contradict another person directly. I have had many
miscommunica- tions in this country.
Students today recognize the importance of understanding a
range of cultures. A survey of students who entered colleges
and universities in the fall of 2009 showed that 49.4% believe
that it is essential or very important to improve their
understanding of other countries and cultures. That’s an
increase from the 42.7% who believed this in 2004 (“This
Year’s Freshmen,” 2010).
Students are correct in thinking that contact with diversity
enriches them. Re- cent studies show that students who
encounter diversity score higher on critical thinking than
students who do not, and white students show the most benefit
(Berrett, 2012).
In this book, we will consider many ways in which diversity
intersects with communication. For instance, we’ll see how the
same gestures mean very different things in different cultures,
and we’ll discover that women and men, in general, rely on
both similar and distinct types of communication to create
closeness. We’ll also learn that race and ethnicity influence
how people interact. And, as the Communication in Everyday
Life: Social Media feature shows, we will learn how
Yih-Tang Lin
Dougal Waters/Digital Vision/Getty Images

6
Introduction
age differences affect interpersonal communication. Weaving
diversity into how we think about interpersonal communication
enlarges understandings of communication and the range of
people and perspectives it involves. Cherrie, a student in one of
my courses, makes this point effectively in her commentary.
sOCiAL MEDiA
What’s Digitally Polite?
Is it polite to leave a voice message when someone doesn’t
answer the phone? How about sending an email to tell
someone you left a voice mail—is that polite? Should you open
emails with “hello” and close with “bye”? It turns out that
whether you think those are polite courtesies or not may
depend on your age.
Younger people are rewriting the rules of etiquette to fit an era
saturated by social media. When you are sending dozens or
even hundreds of messages a day, “hello” and “goodbye”
become superfluous. So do emails or texts that say “thank
you”—no need for those. If you call someone who doesn’t
answer their cell phone, they’ll see that you called and should
call or text you back to talk, so there’s no need to leave a voice
message (Bilton, 2013).
People who aren’t digital natives, however, often operate by the
rules that regulated communication as they were growing up.
To them, it is polite to start messages with “hello” and end them
with “goodbye“; in fact, it’s impolite not to do so. And, to
them, you should leave a message if the person you called
doesn’t answer—it’s only polite to let her or him know why you
called.
Communicating via social media, like communicating face to
face, is most effective when we adapt our communication to the

people with whom we are interacting. If you’re calling a 60-
year- old, it’s probably fine to leave a voice message that you
wouldn’t leave when calling a 20-year-old. This isn’t the first
time that new technologies have presented etiquette puzzles.
When the telephone was invented in the 1870s, people weren’t
sure how to answer the phone. Many picked up the phone and
said nothing, waiting for the caller to start the conversation.
Alexander Graham
Bell, who had invented the phone, proposed “Ahoy” as the
proper greeting (Bilton, 2013).
© Blend Images/Shutterstock.com
7
Introduction
I am Hispanic, and I am tired of classes and books that ignore
my people. Last year, I took a course in family life, and all we
talked about was West- ern, middle-class white families. Their
ways are not my ways. A course on family should be about
many kinds of families. I took a course in great literature, and
there was only one author who was not Western and only three
who were women. It’s not true that only white men write great
literature.
Cherrie and others who were not born and raised in the United
States also have much to teach students who are native citizens
of the United States, as Carl’s commentary reveals.

At first, I was really put off by the two students in our class
who were from China. Like when we talked about conflict and
they just didn’t get it—I mean, that’s the way it seemed to me
when they said they tried to avoid it. But the more I listened to
them, the more I saw that they were really saying there are
ways for people to work around differences without having to
attack each other or make the other person look bad. It’s really
different than how I was brought up—you know, stand your
ground, muster your arguments, win! I’m still not sure I really
get their perspective, but it does make me think about whether
I always need to be so fast to try to beat the next guy.
Like many of us, Carl’s first inclination is to view ways other
than his own as inferior. But Carl moved beyond that starting
point. He worked to consider his Chinese classmates’
perspectives on conflict on their terms, in the context of their
culture. In turn, they enlarged Carl’s perspective on ways to
deal with conflict. Like Carl, most of us will not always find it
easy to appreciate or respect ways that are different from our
own. Yet the struggle is worthwhile because it can enrich us
personally and enable us to participate more effectively in a
world characterized by many perspectives on life and
communication.
INTRODUCTION TO FEATURES OF THIS BOOK
Woven into this book are four features that I think will make it
more interesting to you and more helpful as a resource for
understanding and improving your own interpersonal
communication.
First, I’ve written this book in a conversational tone so that you
can connect with the ideas in the pages that follow. Like you, I
am interested in interpersonal communication, and I am
continually trying to figure out how to be more effective in my
everyday encounters with others. In this book, I share some of
my experiences and some of the perspectives and skills that
enhance my interactions.

Cherrie
Carl
8
Introduction
Second, in each chapter I feature comments from students such
as Cherrie, Carl, and Yih-Tang Lin. Because students teach me
so much, I’ve included many of their comments in the chapters
that follow. These are taken from journals they’ve kept in
interpersonal communication classes taught by me and by
instructors at other schools. In reading their commentaries,
you’ll discover that some of these students seem much like you
and that others seem quite different. It’s likely that you’ll agree
with some of the students’ comments, disagree with others, and
want to think still further about others. However you respond
to their ideas, I suspect that, like me, you will find them
interesting, insightful, and often challenging.
Third, each chapter includes several “Communication in
Everyday Life” features that extend chapter coverage by
spotlighting interesting research and news items about
interpersonal communication. When this information is
particularly relevant to cultural diversity, social media, or the
workplace, I call that to your attention with special titles for
each of those themes.

Fourth, this book emphasizes personal learning. Most of us,
especially students, are familiar with impersonal learning,
which occurs when someone else tells or shows us something.
In other words, we receive knowledge passively.
Personal learning, in contrast, occurs when we interact with
subject matter. Rather than just receiving information, we do
something active—we reflect, observe, assess ourselves,
discuss, debate, engage in action, or reflect on and write about
ideas; we experiment with principles and skills; we contrast,
compare, and analyze. All of these activities involve us in
generating and testing knowledge rather than just receiving it.
The personal learning approach assumes that effective learning
involves some kind of experience and some dialogue with the
self (reflection, application) or others.
Several specific end-of-chapter and online features in this book
foster personal learning. First is a feature titled “Continuing
the Conversation.” These are short case studies that allow you
to see, on the web, how concepts, theories, and principles
discussed in the chapter show up in real-life interactions.
Second, in most chapters you will find an “Assessing Yourself
” quiz whose answers will be revealed if you take it online.
Third, you’ll find several “Everyday Skills” that give you an
oppor- tunity to extend and apply material discussed in the text
to your own life by doing something or engaging in dialogue
with yourself or others. Some of the “Everyday Skills” show
you how to develop a particular communication skill; others ask
you to reflect on ideas we’ve discussed to observe
communication principles and patterns in your everyday
encounters. Fourth, there are “Engaging with Ideas” features
that ask you to reflect on one question that requires personal
learning, as well as two other questions that focus on the
workplace and ethics. Finally, there are “Thinki ng Critically”
questions for you to reflect on and write about in more depth.
I hope this book will enhance your appreciation of the power of
interpersonal communication in our relationships. I also hope it
will motivate you to apply the principles and skills presented

here in your everyday life.
chap t er
ONE
A FIRST LOOK AT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
© bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock.com
10
Chapter 1
Topics covered in this chapter
Define Interpersonal Communication Models of Interpersonal
Communication Principles of Interpersonal Communication

Social Media in Everyday Life
Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication Competence
After studying this chapter, you should be able to . . .
Give examples of the three types of relationships in Buber’s
view of communication.
Identify the key features that define interpersonal
communication. Distinguish content and relationship levels of
meaning.
Apply the transactional model of interpersonal communication
to a specific interaction.
List the range of needs that people try to meet in a particular
interaction.
Recognize eight principles behind effective interpersonal
communication.
Explain how the definition of interpersonal communication and
its features apply to social media.
Apply the guidelines discussed in this chapter to assess
communication competence in a particular interaction.
You’ve been interviewing for 2 months, and so far you haven’t
gotten a single job offer. After another interview that didn’t go
well, you text a friend. Instead of a terse response, your friend
texts back to suggest getting together for lunch. Over pizza,
you disclose that you’re starting to worry that you won’t ever
get hired because the economy is so bad. Your friend listens
closely and lets you know he understands how you feel and he
isn’t judging you. Then he tells you about other people he
knows who also haven’t yet gotten job offers. All of a sudden,
you don’t feel so alone. Your friend reminds you how worried
you felt last term when you were struggling with your physics
course and then made a B on the final. As you listen to him,
your sagging confidence begins to recover.
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11
A First Look at Interpersonal Communication
Before leaving, he tells you about a virtual interview website
that allows you to practice interviewing skills, and he works
with you to communicate more effectively in interviews. By
the time you leave, you feel hopeful again.
Interpersonal communication is central to our everyday lives.
We count on others to care about what is happening in our lives
and to help us celebrate good moments and deal with
problems and disappointments. In addition, we need others to
encourage our personal and professional growth. Friends and
romantic partners who believe in us enable us to overcome self-
defeating patterns and help us become the people we want to be.
Coworkers who give us advice and feedback help us increase
our effectiveness on the job. And sometimes we just want to
hang out with people we like, trust, and have fun with.
In the workplace, interpersonal communication is critically
important. A 2010 national survey of employers reported that
89% of employers consider that college students should focus
on learning to communicate effectively orally and in writing in
order to be successful professionally (Rhodes, 2010). Similarly,
in 2012 employers said that key qualities for job applicants

were interpersonal skill, oral communication skill, and
adaptability (Selingo, 2012). A very recent poll (Hart Research,
2013) found that 93% of employers think a job candidate’s
demonstrated capacity to think critically and communicate
clearly is more important than their undergraduate major.
Leaders of organizations such as FedEx and GlaxoSmithKline
list communication as a vital skill for their employees
(O’Hair & Eadie, 2009). The pivotal role of communication in
health care (see first Communication in Everyday Life:
Workplace) makes it unsurprising that an increasing number
of medical schools base admissions, in part, on applicants’
communication skills, especially their ability to communicate
empathy to patients (Rosenbaum, 2011).
In this chapter, we take a first look at interpersonal
communication. We start by defining interpersonal
communication and providing a model of how it works. Then
we consider how interpersonal communication meets important
human needs. Next, we discuss principles of effective interper -
sonal communication and consider how social media affect
interpersonal communication. To close the chapter, we identify
guidelines for achieving competence in interpersonal
communication.
DEFININg INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
When asked to distinguish interpersonal communication from
communication in general, many people say that interpersonal
communication involves fewer people, often just two.
According to this definition, an exchange between a homeowner
and a plumber would be interpersonal, but a conversation
involving parents and four children would not. Although
interpersonal communication often involves only two or three
people, this isn’t a useful definition.

12
Chapter 1
Perhaps you are thinking that intimate contexts define
interpersonal communication. Using this standard, we would
say that a couple on a first date in a romantic restaurant
engages in more interpersonal communication than an
established couple in a shopping mall. Again, this context is
not the key.
The best way to define interpersonal communication is by
focusing on what happens between people, not where they are
or how many are present. For starters, then, we can say that
interpersonal communication is a distinct type of interaction
between people.
We can begin to understand the unique character of
interpersonal communication by tracing the meaning of the
word interpersonal. It is derived from the prefix inter -,
meaning “between,” and the word person; interpersonal
communication literally occurs between people. In one sense,
all communication happens between people, yet many
interactions don’t involve us personally. Communication exists
on a continuum from impersonal to interpersonal (see Figure
1.1).
Much of our communication is not really personal. Sometimes
we don’t acknowledge others as people at all but treat them as
objects; they bag our grocer- ies, direct us around highway
construction, and so forth. In other instances, we
do acknowledge people, yet we
interact with them on a surface level and often in terms of their

social roles rather than personally. For instance, I often run
into neighbors when I’m walking my dog, Cassie. We engage
in small talk about weather and home projects. Through this
kind of interaction, we acknowledge each other as people, but
we don’t get really personal. With a select few people, we
communicate in deeply intimate ways. These dis- tinctions are
captured in poetic terms by the philosopher Martin Buber
(1970), who distinguished among three levels of communi -
cation: I–It, I–You, and I–Thou.
I–It Communication In an I–It relationship, we treat others
very impersonally, almost as objects. In I–It communication,
we do not acknowledge the hu- manity of other people; we may
not even affirm their existence. Sometimes we do not treat
sales- people, servers in restaurants, and
Diagnosis: Cultural Miscommunication
If you plan a career in the field of health, learn all you can
about different cultures. Patients’ cultural beliefs and values
affect how they perceive medical practitioners and how they
can be most effectively treated. Con- sider a few examples of
cultural misunderstandings (Galanti, 2000).
Some Asian cultures practice coining, in which a coin (often
heated) is rubbed vigorously over a sick person’s back to draw
out the illness. The resulting red welts are perceived as
evidence that the illness came out. However, on seeing red
welts on children’s backs, some American health professionals
have had Asian parents investigated for child abuse.
American culture emphasizes autonomy and each person’s right
to information about herself or himself. As a result,
physicians routinely share a poor prognosis directly with
patients before discussing it with other family members.
However in places such as Mexico, China, Iran, and the
Philippines it is considered extremely insensitive to burden a
person, particularly a sick person, with bad news. Instead,
family members should be told, and they, not the physician,
decide when and how to tell the patient.

One hospital got a lesson in cultural values when it tried to
assign a patient to Room 4. In the patient’s home country,
China, the character for 4 is pronounced almost identically to
the character for the word death. The Chinese patient did not
want to be in a room called “Death”!
WORkpLACE

Do you think training in intercultural communication should
be
required as part of medical school?
13
clerical staff as people but only as instruments to take our
orders and deliver what we want. In the extreme form of I–It
relationships, others are not even acknowledged. When a
homeless person asks for money for food, some people look
away as if the person weren’t there. In dysfunctional families,
parents may ignore children and refuse to speak to them,
thereby treating the children as
things—as “its”—not as unique individuals. Students on large
campuses may also feel they are treated as “its,” not as people.
Jason, a sophomore in one of my classes, makes this point.
At this school, I get treated like a number a lot of the time.
When I go to see my adviser, he asks what my identification

number is—not what my name is. Most of my professors don’t
know my name. In high school, all the teachers called on us by
name. It felt more human there. Sometimes I feel like an “it”
on this campus.
I–You Communication The second level Buber identified is I–
You communication, which accounts for the majority of our
interactions. People acknowledge one another as more than
objects, but they don’t fully engage each other as unique
individuals. For example, suppose you go shopping, and a
salesclerk asks, “May I help you?” It’s unlikely you will have a
deep conversation with the clerk, but you might treat him or
her as more than an object (Wood, 2006a). Perhaps you say,
“I’m just browsing today. You know how it is at the end of the
month—no money.” The clerk might laugh and commiserate
about how money gets tight by the end of the month. In this
interaction, the clerk doesn’t treat you as a faceless shopper,
and you don’t treat the clerk as just an agent of the store.
I–You relationships may also be more personal than interactions
with salesclerks. For instance, we talk with others in classes,
on the job, and on sports teams in ways that are somewhat
personal. The same is true of interaction in Internet forums,
where people meet to share ideas and common interests.
Interaction is still guided by our roles as peers, as members of
a class or team, and as people who have common interests.
Yet we do affirm the existence of others and recognize them as
individuals within those roles. Teachers and students
often have I–You relationships. In the workplace, most of us
have many I–You relationships that are pleasant and
functional.
I–Thou Communication The rarest kind of relationship
involves I–Thou communication. Buber regarded this as the
highest form of human dialogue because each person affirms
the other as cherished and unique. When we interact on an I–
Thou level, we meet others in their wholeness and
individuality. Instead of dealing with them as occupants of

JASON
Impersonal
Interpersonal

It
You
Thou
Figure 1.1
The Communication Continuum
Cengage Learning
InSIgHT
Poor Interpersonal Communication as the Number One Cause
of Divorce
According to a nationwide poll, a majority of people perceive
communication problems as the number one reason marriages
fail (Roper poll, 1999). Poll results showed that, regardl ess of
age, race, sex, or income level, Americans reported that
communication problems are the most common cause of
divorce; 53% of those who were polled said that ineffective
communication was the principal reason for divorce. Compare
this with the frequency with which people named other causes
of divorce: money problems, 29%; interference from family
members, 7%; sexual problems, 5%; previous relationships,
3%; and children, 3%. This finding is consistent with the
long-standing insight of marital therapists that good com-
munication is essential to satisfying marriages (Scarf, 2008).

14
Chapter 1
social roles, we see them as unique human beings whom we
know and accept in their totality. In I–Thou communication, we
open ourselves fully, trusting others to accept us as we are,
with our virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and strengths and
weaknesses. Buber believed that only in I–Thou relationships
do we become fully human, which for him meant that we
discard the guises and defenses we use most of the time and
allow ourselves to be completely genuine (Stewart, 1986). Much
of our communication involves what Buber called “seeming,”
in which we’re preoccupied with our image and careful to
manage how we present ourselves. In I–Thou relationships,
however, we engage in “being,” through which we reveal who
we really are and how we really feel. I–Thou relationships are
not common because we can’t afford to reveal ourselves totally
to everyone all the time. Thus, I–Thou relation-
ships and the communication in them are rare and special.
Building on Buber’s poetic description, we can define
interpersonal communication as a selective, systemic process
that allows people to reflect and build personal knowledge of
one another and create shared meanings. We’ll discuss the key
terms in this definition.
Selective First, as we noted earlier, we don’t communicate
intimately with the majority of people we encounter. In some
cases, we neither want nor need to communicate with others
even at the I–You level. For instance, if we get a phone call
from a pollster, we may only respond to the questions and not
engage the caller in any personal way. We invest the effort and
take the risks of opening ourselves fully with only a few
people. As Buber realized, most of our communication occurs
on I–It or I–You levels. This is fine because I–Thou

relationships take more time, energy, and courage than we are
willing to offer to everyone.
Systemic Interpersonal communication is also systemic, which
means that it takes place within various systems, or contexts,
that influence what happens and the meanings we attribute to
interaction. The communication between you and me right now
is embedded in multiple systems, including the interpersonal
communication course you are taking, our academic
institutions, and American society. Each of these systems
influences what we expect of each other, what I write, and how
you interpret what you read. Communication between me and
Chinese students taking a class in interpersonal communication
would reflect the context of Chinese culture.
Consider an example of the systemic character of
communication. Suppose Ian gives Mia a solid gold pendant
and says, “I wanted to show how much I care about you.” What
do his words mean? That depends in large part on the systems
within which he and Mia interact. If Ian and Mia have just
started dating, an expensive gift means one thing; if they have
been married for 20 years, it means something different. On
the other hand, if they don’t have an established relationship,
and Mia is engaged to Manuel, Ian’s gift may have yet
another meaning. What if Ian argued with Mia the previous
day? Then, perhaps, the gift is to apologize more than to show
love. If Ian is rich, a solid gold pendant may be less impressive
than if he is short on cash. Systems that affect what this
communication means include Mia’s and Ian’s relationship,
their socioeconomic classes, cultural norms for gift giving, and
Mia’s and Ian’s personal histories. All these contexts affect
their interaction and its meaning.

Everyday Skills To practice identifying types of
relationships, complete the activity “Communi- cating in Your
Relation- ships” at the end of the chapter or online.

15
Because interpersonal communication is systemic, situation,
time, people, culture, personal histories, and so forth interact
to affect meanings. We can’t just add up the various parts of a
system to understand their impact on communication. Instead,
we have to recognize that all parts of a system interact; each
part affects all others. In other words, elements of
communication systems are interdependent; each element is
tied to all the other elements.
All systems include noise, which is anything that distorts
communication or interferes with people’s understandings of
one another. Noise in communication systems is inevitable, but
we can be aware that it exists and try to compensate for the
difficulties it causes.
There are four kinds of noise. Physiological noise is distraction
caused by hunger, fatigue, headaches, medications, and other
factors that affect how we feel and think. Physical noise is
interference in our environments, such as noises made by
others, overly dim or bright lights, spam and pop-up ads,
extreme temperatures, and crowded conditions. Psychological
noise refers to qualities in us that affect how we communicate
and how we interpret others. For instance, if you are
preoccupied with a problem, you may be inattentive at a team
meeting. Likewise, prejudice and defensive feelings can
interfere with communication. Our needs may also affect how

we interpret others. For example, if we really need affirmation
of our professional competence, we may be predisposed to
perceive others as communicating more praise for our work than
they really do. Finally, semantic noise exists when words
themselves are not mutually understood. Authors sometimes
create semantic noise by using jargon or unnecessarily
technical language. For instance, to discuss noise, I could
write,“Communication can be egregiously obstructed by
phenomena extrinsic to an exchange that actuate mis-
representations and symbolic incongruities.” Although that
sentence may be accurate, it’s filled with semantic noise.
Similarly, the abbreviations typical in texts and tweets may not
be understood by people who use social media infrequently.
I wish professors would learn about semantic noise. I really try
to pay attention in class and to learn, but the way some faculty
talk makes it im- possible to understand what they mean,
especially if English is a second language. I wish they would
remember that we’re not specialists like they are, so we don’t
know all the technical words.
Some noise is more than one type. Listening to your favorite
music on your iPod while walking across campus creates both
physical noise and psychological noise. Social media can be so
distracting that people have accidents. One survey found that
1,000 people visited emergency rooms in a single year because
they tripped, fell, or walked into something while using a cell
phone to talk or text (Richtel, 2010). This is particularly
worrisome when we realize that people between the ages of 8
and 18 spend more than 7 hours a day using electronic devices
(Lewin, 2010a). In summary, when we say that communication
is systemic, we mean three things. First, all communication
occurs within multiple systems that affect meanings. Second,
all parts and all systems of communication are interdependent,
so they affect one another. Finally, all communication systems
have noise, which can
be physiological, physical, psychological, or semantic.
process Interpersonal communication is an ongoing, continuous

process. This means, first, that communication evolves over
time, becoming more personal as people interact. Friendships
and romantic relationships gain depth and significance
CArMELLA
16
Chapter 1
over the course of time, and they may also decline in quality
over time. Relationships on the job also evolve over time. Ellen
may mentor Craig when he starts working at her firm, but over
time they may become equal colleagues. Because relationships
are dynamic, they don’t stay the same but continually change
just as we do.
My daughter is my best friend, but it wasn’t always that way.
As a child, she was very shy and dependent. She was a sullen
teenager who resented everything I said and did. Now that
she’s 22, we’ve become really good friends. But even now, our
relationship has all of the echoes of who we were with each
other at different times in our lives.
An ongoing process also has no discrete beginnings and
endings. Suppose a friend stops by and confides in you about a
troubling personal problem. When did that communication
begin? Although it may seem to have started when the friend
came by, earlier interactions may have led the friend to feel
that it was safe to talk to you and that you would care about the

problem. We can’t be sure, then, when this communication
began. Similarly, we don’t know where it will end. Perhaps it
ends when the friend leaves, but perhaps it doesn’t. Maybe
your response to the problem helps your friend see new
options. Maybe what you learn changes how you feel toward
your friend. Because communication is ongoing, we can never
be sure when it begins or ends.
Because interpersonal interaction is a process, what happens
between people is linked to both past and future. In our earlier
example, the meaning of Ian’s gift reflects prior interactions
between him and Cheryl, and their interaction about the gift
will affect future interactions. All our communication occurs in
three temporal dimensions: past, which affects what happens
now; present, which reflects the past and sets the stage for the
future; and future, which is molded by what occurs in this
moment and past ones (Dixson & Duck, 1993; Wood, 2006a).
How couples handle early arguments affects how they deal with
later ones. Yesterday’s email response from a friend influences
what we write today and, in turn, what our friend may write
back tomorrow. In communication, past, present, and future are
always interwoven.
The ongoing quality of interpersonal communication also
suggests that we can’t stop the process, nor can we edit or
unsay what has been said. In this sense, com-
munication is irreversible: We can’t take it back. This implies
that we have an ethical responsibility to recognize the
irreversibility of communication and to communicate
carefully.
personal knowledge Interpersonal communication fosters
personal knowledge and insights. To connect as unique
individuals, we have to get to know others personally and
understand their thoughts and feelings. With family members
whom you have known all of your life, you understand some of
their worries, concerns, and personal issues in ways that new
acquaintances cannot. Longtime friends have a history of
shared experiences and knowledge that allows them to interact

more deeply than casual friends can.
JANA
AMC/Photofest
Walt (Bryan Cranston) and Jesse’s (Aaron Paul) relationship
during the course of Emmy award–winning drama Breaking
Bad changed dramatically from teacher–student to feuding
partners in crime.
Sharing personal information and experiences means that
interpersonal communication involves ethical choices. We can
use our knowledge to protect people we care about. We can
also use it to hurt those people, for example by attacking vul -
nerabilities others have revealed to us. Ethical communicators
choose not to exploit or treat casually personal information
about others.
Meaning Creating The heart of interpersonal communication is
shared meanings between people. We don’t merely exchange
words when we communicate. Instead, we create meanings as
we figure out what each other’s words and behaviors stand
for, represent, or imply. Meanings grow out of histories of
interaction between unique persons. For example, my partner,
Robbie, and I are both continually overcommitted, and we
each worry about the pace of the other’s life. Often, one of us

says to the other, “bistari, bistari.” This phrase will mean
nothing to you unless you know enough Nepalese to translate it
as meaning, “Go slowly, go gradually.” When one of us says,
“bistari, bistari,” we not only suggest slowing down but also
remind each other of our special time living and trekking in
Nepal.
Like Robbie and me, most close friends and romantic partners
develop vocab- ularies that have meaning only to them. People
who work together also develop meanings that grow out of
their interactions over time and the shared field in which they
work.
You may have noticed that I refer to meanings, not just one
meaning. This is because interpersonal communication involves
two levels of meaning (Rogers, 2008; Watzlawick, Beavin, &
Jackson, 1967). The first level, called the
17
Just as every person is unique, so is every interpersonal
relationship. Each develops its own distinctive patterns and
rhythms and even special vocabulary that are not part of other
interpersonal relationships (Nicholson, 2006). In the process of
becoming close, people work out personal roles and rules for
interaction, and these may deviate from general social rules
and roles (Duck, 2006; Dain- ton, 2006; Wood, 2006a). With
one friend, you might play pickup basketball and get together
for films. With a different, equally close friend, you might talk
openly about feelings.
As our relationships with others deepen, we build trust and
learn how to communicate in ways that make each other feel
comfortable and safe. The personal knowledge we gain over
time in relationships encourages us to know and be known: We
share secrets, fears, and experiences that we don’t tell to just
anyone. This is part of what Buber meant by “being” with
others. Personal knowledge is a process, one that grows and

builds on itself over time as people communicate interperson-
ally. Sometimes, we may even feel that our closest friends know
us better than we know ourselves, as Lizelle explains.
What I like best about long-term relationships is all the layers
that develop. I know the friends I’ve had since high school in
so many ways. I know what they did and felt and dreamed in
high school, and I know them as they are now. They have the
same kind of in-depth knowledge of me. We tell each other
everything, so it sometimes seems that my deep- est friends
know me better than I know myself.
LIZELLE
18
Chapter 1
content meaning, deals with literal, or denotative, meaning. If a
parent says to a 5-year-old child,“Clean your room now,” the
content meaning is that the room is to be cleaned immediately.
The second level is the relationship meaning. This refers to
what communication expresses about relationships between
communicators. The relationship meaning of “Clean your room
now” is that the parent has the right to order the child; the
parent and child have an unequal power relationship. If the
parent says, “Would you mind cleaning your room?” the
relationship meaning reflects a more equal relationship.
Suppose a friend says,“You’re the only person I can talk to

about this,” and then discloses something that is worrying him.
The content level includes the actual issue itself and the
information that you’re the only one with whom he will discuss
this issue. But what has he told you on the relationship level?
He has communicated that he trusts you, he considers you
special, and he probably expects you to care about his troubles.
My father needs to learn about relationship meanings. Whenever
I call home, he asks me if anything’s wrong. Then he asks what
the news is. If I don’t have news to report, he can’t understand
why I’m calling. Then Mom gets on the phone, and we talk for
a while about stuff—nothing important, just stuff. I don’t call
to tell them big news. I just want to touch base and feel
connected.
Cultures vary in how much they emphasize content- and
relationship-level meanings. In high-context cultures, great
emphasis is put on holistic understanding of meanings based
on a collective understanding of context. Words themselves
have little meaning until placed in the context of culture,
relationships, and people. Some cultures are low-context,
which means that communicators do not assume a great deal of
shared, collective knowledge. Because a high level of collective
knowledge is not assumed, the content level of meaning is
given great priority. Words and literal meaning are emphasized
and specifics are provided in conversation. The United States is
a low-context culture, whereas many Asian cultures are high-
context, which means that collective knowledge is assumed.
In high-context cultures, less emphasis is given to content-level
meaning and to providing specifics because communicators can
assume that others share their collective knowledge. For exam-
ple, in a low-context culture, a person might say to a
coworker,“Let’s get together to talk about our project. We can
meet in my office at 2 today and you can bring the draft. I’ll
order some coffee for us.” In a high-context culture, the
message might be “Let’s meet at 2 to discuss our project.” In
the high-context culture, the communicator assumes that the
coworker will share cultural understandings about where to

meet, what to bring, and whether there will be a beverage (Lim,
2002).
Scholars have identified three general dimensions of
relationship-level meanings. The first dimension is
responsiveness, and it refers to how aware of others and
involved with them we are. Perhaps you can remember a
conversation you had with someone who shuffled papers and
glanced at a clock or kept looking at a computer screen while
you were talking. If so, you probably felt she wasn’t interested
in you or what you were saying. In Western culture, low
responsiveness is communicated on the relationship level of
meaning when people don’t look at us, or when they are
preoccupied with something other than talking with us. Higher
responsiveness is communicated
ANI
PERCEPTION AND COMMUNICATION

WARM UP OF PERCEPTION
Connect the dots using only 4 lines
1.
THE PROCESS OF HUMAN PERCEPTION
Who can define perception?
WHAT IS PERCEPTION?
Active process of creating meaning by selecting, organizing and
interpreting people, objects, events, situations and other
phenomena
Note its defined as an ACTIVE PROCESS
We don’t passively receive what is out there in the external
world, instead we actively work to make sense of everything
around us.
1. SELECTION
2. ORGANIZATION

3. INTERPRETATION
PERCEPTION
PROCESS
These three are continuous and interactive so they blend into
one another and each of them affects the other two
For example: if we select to focus our perception in a particular
situation, it affects how we organize and interpret the situation.
1.SELECTION
2. ORGANIZATION
3. INTERPRETATION
SELECTION EXERCISE
Narrowing attention to what you define as important
1. Stand Out
2. Change
3. Cultures
1.SELECTION

Selection exercise
(we focus on what we decide is relevant to us in any given
moment)
1. Stand Out- draws attention bc larger, more intense, or more
unusual than other phenomena, flashy ads and neon billboards
2. Change-teacher had a habit of letting you out of class early
but then ...-take things for granted
3. Cultures - clothing culture
2.ORGANIZATION
SELECTION
3. INTERPRETATION
Organize what we’ve noticed and attribute meaning to it
Constructivism-we organize and interpret experience by
applying cognitive structures called schemata
We rely on 4 schemata to make sense of interpersonal
phenomena:
1. Prototypes
2. Personal Constructs
3. Stereotypes
4. Scripts
2.ORGANIZATION

A theory that explains how we organize experience
Mental Cabinet
1. Prototypes-
Organize our perceptions by allowing us to place people and
other phenomena in broad categories
Ex: Nick is the best friend you’ve ever known,
Nick= prototype of a friend
3. Stereotypes
4. Scripts
Clearest or most representative example of some category (ideal
representative)
I might think the rock is the most ideal representative of an
actor
“mental yardstick” we use to measure a person or situation
along a bipolar dimension of judgment.
Ex: intelligent-not intelligent. Kind-not kind.
1. Prototypes

3. Stereotypes
4. Scripts
We use them to size up people/other phenomena
Helps us make more detailed assessments of particular qualities
of people/phenomena (vs. prototypes to put a broad category)
3. Stereotypes
Predictive generalization applied to a person or situation
Ex: racial stereotypes. Americans are often negatively
stereotyped in other parts of world: arrogant, ethnocentric
1. Prototypes
4. Scripts
Based on category in which we place someone/something/how
person measures up against personal constructs we apply, we
predict what he/she/it will do.
Don't necessarily reflect actual groups to which they refer.
Based on perceptions of groups/social perspectives we’ve
internalized.
4. Scripts
Guide to action. Consists of sequences of activities that are
expected of us and others in particular situations.

Based on our experiences/observations of interaction in various
contexts.
1. Prototypes
3. Stereotypes
Many of daily activities governed by scripts even though may
not be aware
Are useful through interactions but not always accurate or
constructive
DEFAULT
EXPECT
3. INTERPRETATION
SELECTION
2.ORGANIZATION
Assign meaning by interpreting what we’ve noticed/organized.
Subjective process of explaining our perceptions in ways that
make sense to us
Attributions- explanation of why something happened or why
someone acts a certain way.
Have 4 Dimensions:
1. Locus
2. Stability
3. Specificity
4. Responsibility
3.INTERPRETATION

To interpret meaning of another's actions we construct
explanations/attributions for them
1. Locus-
Attributes a person’s actions to internal factors (Ex: Mandy’s
car breaks down because she thinks she’s ignorant about cars )
or external factors (Ex: The car is really old)
2. Stability
3. Specificity
4. Responsibility
The perception that you control your own behavior
Perception that luck/chances/outside forces determine what
happens next
2. Stability
Actions as result of stable factors that wont change over time
(ex: He failed the history exam because he has naturally bad
memorization skills) or unstable factors that may or will be
different at another time (He failed the exam because he didn’t
spend that much time studying)
1. Locus

3. Specificity
4. Responsibility
Stable-inherent, unchanging factors
Unstable-Variable subject to change
Stable. He couldnt hear the girl talking because he lost his
hearing when he was young
Unstable-he couldnt hear the girl talking because he just wasnt
paying attention
3. Specificity
Whether behavior has global implications that apply in most of
all situations (ex: “I’m no good”) or specific implications that
apply in only certain situations or under certain conditions (ex:
”I’m no good at history”)
1. Locus
2. Stability
4. Responsibility

Outcome affects everything vs outcome only affects one task
The whole students life vs limited scope of just history class
4. Responsibility
We’re more likely to hold people responsible for behavior that
we think they can control.
We feel more/less positive towards others depending on our
interpretation of why they act as they do (ex: we think he’s
cranky because he failed his test vs. he’s cranky because his
family is going through a tough situation
1. Locus
2. Stability
3. Specificity
How we account for others’ actions affects our perceptions of
them and our relationships with them.
2 common errors people make in attributions:
Self-serving bias- bias towards ourselves and our interests.
People tend to construct attributions that serve our personal
interests.
Fundamental Attribution Error-involves dimension of locus. We
tend to overestimate the internal cause of others undesirable
behaviors and underestimate the external causes (vice versa)
Attributional Errors
Self Serving: Environment causes our failure, Self causes our
success.
Attribution error: Environment causes their success, self causes
their failure

Influences on Perception
2.
Physiology
Sensory capacities and physiology conditions differ in
everyone.
Medical Conditions and medication side effects alter our
perception.
Expectations
Self-fulfilling prophecy: When we internalize others
expectations and judgments about us and we behave in ways
that are consistent to them.
If you are expecting something in particular, you will focus on
finding it.

Age
60 year old vs. 20 year old
The older, the wiser.
Older people have many more complex experiences and have
faced life's challenges.
Broader perspective.
Culture
American culture is very individualistic
The identity in American culture is identified by taking personal
initiative.
Collectivist culture’s idea of identity is membership to a
family.
Individualistic vs. Collectivist
Social Location
Standpoint
High status vs. Less-privileged social groups
Women and Men Social Locations
Maintaining relationships

Racial- ethnic groups
Roles
The training we receive to fulfill a role and actual demands of a
role affect what we notice and how we interpret and evaluate
the role.
The professions people enter influence what they notice and
how they think and act.
Cognitive Abilities
How elaborately we think about situations and people, and our
personal knowledge of others.
Cognitive Complexity
Children vs. Adults
Person-Centeredness
Is this empathy?
Self

Attachment styles:
Secure
Fearful
Dismissive
Anxious/Ambivalent
Implicit personality theory: a collection of unspoken and
sometimes unconscious assumptions about how various qualities
fit together in human personalities.
Social Media and
Perception
Our choices of social media shape our perceptions of events,
issues, and people.
VS.
2. Cultural membership influences the content we post on social
media.

3. Our sense of time and space has completely changed due to
social media.
3.
GUIDELINES FOR IMPROVING PERCEPTION AND
COMMUNICATION
Perception is central to interpersonal communication
Seven guidelines exist for improving accuracy of perception
RECOGNIZE ALL PERCEPTIONS ARE PARTIAL AND
SUBJECTIVE
Partial - We cannot perceive EVERYTHING
Subjective - Shaped by who we are (culture, physiology, social
role, personal experiences, etc)
Remind ourselves that perceptions are based as much on
ourselves as outside forces.

ALL perceptions are partial and subjective.
Film example (a movie you think it funny, might not be to
someone else for personal, social, cultural, or cognitive
differences)
For example I love Arrested Development. I think its one of the
funniest series ever made and I love the characters, attention to
detail, and pretty much everything about it. A lot of the jokes
ironically deal with mis-communication or mis-interpretation.
Now, someone else who watches it might think its boring or
hard to follow. They probably just have a different frame of
reference for what they think is funny based on cultural or
personal differences.
TWO MAJOR IMPLICATIONS OF PARTIAL AND
SUBJECTIVE PERCEPTIONS
When in an argument with another person and you disagree,
neither of you are technically wrong. You more than likely have
different subjective differences (i.e. cultural) that contributed to
your perceptions.
Our perceptions are as much internal as external. For example, a
person could be seen as aggressive to you, but assertive to
themselves.

2. AVOID MIND READING
Mind Reading - assuming the thoughts and feelings of another
person
DANGER of mind reading is
misinterpreting others
Jumping to conclusions is like someone saying “I know why
you’re upset” without actually explaining why you’re actually
upset
We mind read when we tell ourselves when we think we know
how someone will react, feel, do, or even what they’re saying.
Example of mind reading is this clip from Arrested
Development. They call this character the VERY literal doctor
and you’ll find out why.
Essentially the characters are taking the doctor’s phrasing of
“alright” as in he’s fine, alive, well. In fact he means ALL
RIGHT because he lost his left hand.

3. CHECK PERCEPTIONS WITH OTHERS
Helps arrive at mutual understandings of each other
Helps someone know that you’ve noticed something and want to
clarify your perceptions of what’s happening and what it means
If you notice something or think you’re perceiving something,
its best to confirm your perception with the person.
State what you’ve noticed
Check with the other person if they perceived the same thing
Ask the other person to explain their behavior
(use a tentative tone instead of an accusatory one to minimize
the other person being defensive and lead to good discussion)
Steps to checking perceptions

This is a clip from Modern Family that demonstrates checking
perceptions. YouTube didn’t give me the full clip, but I’ll give
some background. So in this episode, the husband in this scene
notices his wife has been upset lately. He doesn’t want to ask
why as to not make her more upset, so he tries to assume the
issue. He figures their son just went off to college, she’s
probably upset that he’s gone, so he drives all the way to school
and brings her son home to make her feel better. When that
doesn’t work, he’s finally direct.
All of this to say, when you’re direct with a perception, the
results are usually better than trying to fix the issue on your
own. If he had just asked his wife what was wrong from the
start, they could have avoided a lot of miscommunication.
4. DISTINGUISH BETWEEN FACTS AND INFERENCES
Good communication distinguishes these things
fact is based on observation vs inference involves an
interpretation beyond facts
Easy to confuse them because we can treat inferences as fact
Risk misperceptions when we don’t distinguish the two
To avoid it, substitute more tentative words (i.e. instead of
saying something that sounds like a fact like suzy is lazy,
clarify it as suzy seems unmotivate d to make an inference)
5. GUARD AGAINST THE SELF-SERVING BIAS

See yourself too good and others as bad
Observe yourself to see how you attribute failures or
accomplishments
We are more likely to notice what we do and less aware what
others do
Tend to judge ourselves generously but judge others harshly
Substitute generous explanations for the behaviors of others and
notice how your perceptions change
Observe yourself to see whether you attribute your failures or
your adverse behaviors to factors beyond your control and
whether you attribute your accompaniments to your own efforts
6. GUARD AGAINST THE FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION
ERROR

Overestimate internal causes of someone’s bad behavior and
underestimate external causes
Distorts our perceptions of ourselves and others
To reduce, look for external causes of others’ behaviors that
you may not have thought of or appreciated
We tend to do the opposite (hence the self-serving bias)
Instead of assuming that the unwanted behavior reflects
another’s motives or personality, ask yourself “what factors in
this person's situation might lead to this behavior?”
For example, let’s say I perceived Suzy to be in a bad mood and
she said something to me that hurt my feelings. It could be just
quick comment that she probably said without thinking but it
showed a negative behavior. I could be committing the
fundamental attribution error if I assumed “well because of this
one instance of her being mean, she’s probably a bad person. In
actuality, every other encounter has been positive and she said
something out of her character. She could have been sleep
deprived working on another assignment or have had another
issue come up that put her in a bad mood. By looking for these
external causes and being more generous with her internal
behavior, I’d realize it probably wasn’t personal. Thus, avoiding
the Fundamental Attribution Error
Also, asking what factors in yourself may have led to this
situation
7. MONITOR LABELS

So we give names to our perceptions and use these terms to
clarify them to ourselves. Once we label these perceptions and
are able to identify them, we can implement them and choose
how to respond interpersonally.
Giving names to our perceptions can clarify them, but they can
also freeze thought
Word choice is crucial when using labels. Monitor labels to
adapt to specific people. If you know someone might respond
better to one label rather than the other you should take the
more sensitive approach.
WARM UP OF PERCEPTION?
ANSWER

Must have out of the box thinking, our of the box perceptions!
Everyday Encounters: Chapter Seven
Emotions and Communication
Emotional Intelligence . . .
What is that?
How to Define Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence: The ability to recognize feelings, to
judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to
communicate those feelings effectively
Emotional competence:
awareness of our own emotions (even multiple ones at once)
ability to recognize and empathize with others’ emotions
awareness of the impact of our expression of emotions on others
Qualities of Emotional Intelligence

Being aware of your feelings
Dealing with emotions without being overcome by them
Being able to understand how others feel without spelling it out
Not letting setbacks and disappointments derail you
Listening to your feelings and those of others so you can learn
from them
Recognizing social norms for expression of emotions
Having a strong yet realistic sense of optimism
Example of Emotional Intelligence
Video Clip
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3k7lykTWTk
Alternative video: Krystle Nicole. (2013, March 8). The Office
PDA Clip (Michael and Holly) [Video File]. Retrieved from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjudDt_9DG0.
Understanding Emotions

Well, What are Emotions?
“Emotions are our experience and interpretation of internal
sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions,
language, and social experiences.”
Nature vs. Nurture
Basic Emotions: Biological, Instinctual, Universal
Learned Emotions: Societal Constructs, Learned
Behaviors/Reactions
Some scholars argue there are two kinds of emotions: those
which are biological and universal and those which are learned
through social interaction. Others disagree and argue it is not
useful to even distinguish between them.
“Freunde von mir beim Oktoberfest am Bodensee in der stadt
Konstanz. Prost! Friends of mine at the Constance Oktoberfest
toasting”. (2005, September 23). [Image File]. Retrieved from
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Prost_oktoberfest.jpg.
RedCoat. (2007, January 20). “A Barbary Macaque (Macaca
sylvanus) by the Upper Rock Nature Reserve in Gibraltar”
[Image File]. Retrieved from
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Gibraltar_Barbary_Ma
caque.jpg.

Organismic View of Emotion
Williams James & Carl Lange
Rejected individual perception
Emotions as Reflexes
No longer widely accepted
Perceptual View of Emotions (Appraisal Theory)
subjective perceptions shape emotions/reaction
physiological reactions don't have intrinsic meaning
Interpretation varies between individuals
Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions
Similar to the Perceptual View
Incorporates language as a mechanism for interpreting our
physiological responses.
Incorporates language as a mechanism for interpreting our
physiological responses.

11
The Cognitive Labeling View of Emotions
Corrects a problem with the Perceptual view. Whereas the
perceptual view does not clearly identify the mechanism by
which we interpret emotions. The cognitive labeling view
invokes language as the mechanism by which we interpret
emotion. The view argues the labels we use for our
physiological responses shapes our interpretation of our
responses.
Emphasizes the impact of social factors on how we perceive,
label, and respond emotionally to experiences.
Acknowledges cultural differences in both feelings and the
expression of feelings.
12
The Interactive View of Emotions
The interactive view of emotions focuses on how we “perceive,
label, and respond” emotionally to our experiences. It differs
from the other views by focusing on how culture and other
social factors influence the process of emotional expression.
13

Framing Rules
Culturally defined rules governing the emotional meaning of
situations.
Framing rules are culturally defined and help us understand
their meanings.
14
Feeling Rules
Rules informing us what we have a right to feel or are expected
to feel in particular situations.
Feeling rules tell us what we are allowed to feel in given
situations.
An example of this could be a funeral. Is it appropriate to be
joyful and exuberant at a funeral? Is it appropriate to be sad?
Different cultures have different appropriate responses to death.
There is a connection as well between feeling rules and the
social order in our society. One way of seeing this is to look at
the way we respond to people with different jobs. Do we treat
people in servile positions with more hostility than we would to
those in authority?

15
Feeling Rules
Rules informing us what we have a right to feel or are expected
to feel in particular situations.
Deep Acting
Surface Acting
As children, our parents teach us how to deal with our feelings.
The textbook mentions two different kinds of control parents
teach:
Deep acting
Learning what we should and should not feel.
Surface acting
Involves learning to control the outward expression of emotions
rather than feelings.
16
Emotion Work
The effort or work we do to generate what we think are
appropriate feelings for the given situation.

Emotion work is the work we do to create or manipulate our
feelings to fit what we think is appropriate. When you are
angry, and you suppress that anger so you don’t say or do
something hurtful to someone, that is Emotion Work. When you
feign being excited for someone else’s good fortune, even
though you don’t actually feel that way, that is emotion work.
Emotion work is not always successful. The dissonance created
between what we feel and what we think we feel forces us to
engage in Emotion Work.
Obstacles to Communicating Emotions Effectively
17
Effects of Suppressing Your Emotions
18
Cause stress
Associate with depressive symptoms
Gain weights
Associate with mental illness
Associate with physical illness (digestive problems, sleeping)

Reasons
Cultural and Social Expectations
Gender
19
We learn both as children and adults that “Don’t be so
emotional!”, or “Don’t get mad, get even!”
Sometimes boys are given messages like “Don’t cry. A boy
should not cry.”
In the US, men are expected to control their feelings better than
women; however, they are allowed to express anger.
Furthermore, they should not feel or express a wide range of
emotions. Thus, some men may suppress feelings or avoid
expressing them. Over time, men may forget their feelings,
unable to recognize what they do feel.
Many Western women learn to care about others. Therefore,
many women engage in emotion work in attempt to make
themselves feel caring when they don’t want to that.
Most Western women are taught that they should support others,
they feel that they shouldn’t experience or express envy or
competitiveness.

Reasons
Self - protection
Do not want to give others information that affect how they
perceive or act toward us.
Chilling effect
Protecting others
Fear we could hurt or upset others
20
Source images:
https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/323886/what-do-
you-call-this-sitting-pose-or-position-that-sad-or-depressed-
people-adop/390511
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/selfless-healthy
We don’t want to give others information that could affect how
they perceive or act toward us.
We fear that someone will like us less if we say we feel angry
with him or her.
We fear that if we tell how deeply we feel about another person,
she or he will reject us.
We may also restrain expression of feelings, particularly the
negative ones because of chilling effect. When we know
someone, who is more powerful than us, we may hide our
complaints and dissatisfaction or anger because we fear that
person could punish us.

We might fear that our parent take away something you like, a
manager could fire us.
The third reason is protecting others.
We worry that we might hurt or upset others or cause them to
lose pride. Sometimes, we can make a choice not to express our
emotions so that we can protect them.
In this reason, it happens strongly in many Asian cultures
because it is a shame to hurt others. Moreover, Asian cultures
believe that conflict can destroy the relationship between two or
more people.
Reasons
Social and Professional Roles
Our roles make it inappropriate
21
The last one is social and professional roles.
Sometimes we cannot express our true
feeling because our roles make it inappropriate. (Doctor-Police
Officer)
Examples: A judge cries when listening to
a sad story from a witness, or a professor gets mad when
students ask too many questions.

We have identified four common reasons
that we may not express our emotions. However, there is no
simple rule for when to express feelings. We must
exercise judgment.
We have an ethical obligation to make
thoughtful choices about whether, when and how to express our
feelings. As a communicator, you should decide when it
is necessary, appropriate and constructive to express your
feelings. Always keep in mind that you, others, and
relationships will be affected by your decision.
Ineffective Expression
Speak in Generalities
“I feel bad.”
“I’m happy.”
“I’m sad.”
22
The first common is speaking in generalities. What do you think
if somebody said, “I feel bad?” You do not know their exact
feeling, right? Because the statements “I feel bad, I’m happy,
I’m sad” are so general, they don’t clearly tell what the speaker
feels.
How does she feel bad about? Is it depressed, angry, guilty,
ashamed, or anxious?
Why does she feel happy? Someone give her a gift, or she is in
love, get good grades, eat her favorite food, just go shopping
and buy a lot of clothes?

When we use general emotional language, we don’t tell
effectively about how we feel.
Besides that, our nonverbal expressing emotions may be limited.
Lowering our head and eyes may express a range of
emotions, such as reverence, shame, and thoughtfulness.
We can experience many motions; however, most of
us express only a small number.
A limited emotional vocabulary restricts our ability to
communicate clearly with others.
Not owning feelings
Stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility.
I language and you language
23
The second one is not owning feelings. Stating feelings in a way
that disowns personal responsibility. I language and you
language in chapter 4 is relevant to learning to express emotions
effectively.
“You make me angry” express a feeling; however, it
relies on you language. That suggests somebody is the source of
the angry feeling to the speaker. Others must say and do things
affect us. But we decide what their actions mean, and we are
responsible for our feelings.
We could change “You make me angry” to “I feel

angry when you said you be on time but you didn’t”.
This statement would be more effective, clearer and more
precise if the speaker said, “I feel hurt and disrespectful when
you said you be on time but you didn’t”
We can add information about what the speaker wants from the
other to make it is more effective: “I feel hurt and disrespectful
when you said you be on time but you didn’t.
Counterfeit emotional language
Seem to express emotions but does not actually describe what a
person is feeling.
24
Social Media and Emotions
25

Social Media and Emotions
The reasons in face-to-face interaction may also operate when
we use social media.
Social media may help us experience and express feelings.
Social media can become substitutes for emotional involvement
with people in our face-to-face relationships.
26
In social media, emotions in f2f interaction is relevant to digital
and online communication in several ways.
First, the reasons that we may hide our emotions in
f2f interaction may also work when using social media.
Second, social media may help us experience and
express feelings. When some event happens, either sad,
shocking or happy events, we like to connect with people to
share our feelings.
After pop star Michael Jackson died, fans went online
to grieve together
Many people find like-minded communities to
celebrate happy events (the wedding of Prince Charles and
Princess Kate) or make sense of violence (campus shootings)
Third, social media become substitutes for emotional
involvement with people in our f2f relationships.
It is easier to turn to an online acquaintance than your
real-life friends when you need emotional connection. We can
say what we want which is not always possible in f2f

conversations.
Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Effectively
27
SIX GUIDELINES FOR COMMUNICATING EMOTIONS
EFFECTIVELY
Identify Your Emotions
-Identify a primary or main feeling
-Create a feeling list or keep a journal
28

2. Choose Whether and How to Express Emotions
Four Guidelines to Help You Decide How to Express Emotions
Evaluate your current state
Decide to whom you want to express your feelings
Select an appropriate time
Select an appropriate setting
29
Debbie Downer Video
EFFECTIVELY
30
3. Own Your Feelings
Use I language
reminds us that we—not anyone else—have responsibility for
our feelings

reduces the potential for defensiveness
4. Monitor Your Self-Talk
The thoughts we communicate to ourselves affect what happens
in our lives.
Increasing awareness of your negative self-talk and replacing it
with more positive self-talk can become a useful habit with
many potential applications including:
• Improving your ability to control and change your behavior
e.g. motivate yourself to
carry out goal-directed behavior e.g. lose weight.
• Improving your ability to regulate your moods and emotional
reactions
• Increasing your understanding of yourself. For example, by
monitoring your self-talk you can become aware if you have any
worries, preoccupations, unfulfilled goals etc.
31

EFFECTIVELY
32
5. Adopt a Rational-Emotive Approach To Feelings
Monitor emotions, identify commonalities of emotional
reactions, tune into self-talk and irrational beliefs and fallacies
and use self-talk to dispute false assumptions
6. Respond Sensitively When Others Communicate Emotions
Be sensitive, show you care even if you don’t agree, validate
feelings, don’t say “I understand” exactly how you feel, you
don’t. Be sensitive to the person and the issue and what it might
mean to them.
Chapter Six
Mindful Listening

The Listening Process
The Listening Process
Hearing: Physiological activity that occurs when sound waves
hit our eardrums.
Listening:
More complex than hearing
An active, complex process that consists of being mindful;
physically receiving messages, selecting and organizing
messages; interpreting messages; responding; and remembering.
Interpret, remember, and respond to what others communicate
Hearing is a physiological activity while listening is a
psychological activity
Hearing happens automatically when soundwaves hit our
eardrums while listening is taking in what we hear and making
sense of it
Listening is an active and complex process that consists of
being mindful, physically receiving messages, selecting and
organizing messages, interpreting them, as well as responding
and remembering them
Mindfulness
Decision to be mindful
“Wide awakeness”
Trying to understand what the other person is saying
Not already having responses while people are talking

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AzNPWnzgC4
Mindfulness involves being present in the moment. This
involves being fully present and focusing on what the other
person is communicating without imposing our own ideas,
judgements or feelings
Represented physically by taking an attentive posture, eye
contact and indicating interest
It involves taking on the perspective of the other person and
encourages dual perspective. It even makes the other person a
better communicator by allowing them to elaborate more and
better express themselves
It is a choice. You wont be a better listener if you dont make the
commitment to be fully present
Receiving messages is a prerequisite for listening
Hearing impairments may have difficulty receiving oral
messages
Hearing ability tends to decline when we are fatigued from
concentrating on communication
Receiving messages is hearing noises, specifically human voice.
People with hearing impairments may receive messages through
reading lips, writing or ASL
Hearing impairments such as age, endurance, and outside noise
can interfere with this generally automatic process
Men generally focus hearing on specific content while women
are more mindful of the whole communication, taking into
account more details, tangents, and relationship level meanings

Men and women differ in their listening
Women are more attentive
Women notice details and usually have more developed right
lobes (creative & holistic thinking)
Men have more left lobe development (analytic & linear
information processing)
Selecting and Organizing Material
Selection is based on our interests, cognitive structures, and
expectations
Organizing takes into account not only content but also the
person speaking
We can monitor our selection better by recognizing the stimuli
that draws our attention. We are more likely to select and listen
to people who are loud, unusual, or stand out from normal
communication. We need to be aware of this so we dont
overlook people who are quiet or don’t draw attention to
themselves
Organizing also is about understanding the situation of the
communicator. We figure out the state of the communicator,
anxious, calm, open or closed to advice.
Selection and organizing allows us to create meaning about
what is being communicated. We need to recognize this so our
perception is open and not limited

Interpreting Communication
Person-centered
Dual perspective
Often, we impose our meanings on others, try to correct them
about what they feel
Responding
Responding is an active process throughout the interaction
Use signs of responsive listening
Eye contact
Nodding
Attentive posture
Questions and comments that elaborates
Active process
Nonverbal behaviors demonstrate engagement
When we respond, we communicate to the speaker that we are
listening and paying attention. We do this through nonverbal
communication. It lets the communicator know we care about
what they are talking about

Remembering
Remembering is about retaining the more important information
in communication
Remember less than half of a message immediately after we
hear it
Only recall 35% of a message 8 hours after hearing it
Selective about what to remember, we enhance our listening
competence
After hearing a message, we tend to remember less than half of
what was just said, going down to as low as 33% retention after
8 hours. It is important to retain the more important info and let
go of the fluff
Obstacles to Mindful Listening
External Obstacles
Message overload
Message Complexity
Noise

“The more detailed and complicated the message, the more
difficult it is to follow and retain it”
There are a lot of barriers to effective listening
One of them is message overload. If we were to pay attention in
detail to everything that is being communicated to us each day,
our brain would shut down. Even by filtering what we listen and
pay attention to, we can still become overwhelmed. This
overwhelmed feeling can hinder our ability to listen effectively
Message complexity can often overwhelm us. If a message is
too technical or has a lot of information to digest, we tend to
stop paying attention as much because it is easier. To combat
this, we have to use more energy in order to interpret and
remember these messages. Taking notes and asking questions is
a good way to break down and remember complex messages.
Grouping material is another way to organize and retain
complex information
Noise also can distract us from listening. Noise can draw our
attention away from the one who is communicating to us,
displaying a lack of interest. It is beneficial to recognize
sources of noise and take steps to minimalize the noise so we
can give more attention to the person talking to us.
Internal Obstacles
Preoccupation
Prejudgement
Reacting to Emotionally loaded language
Lack of effort
“When we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we
can’t focus on what someone else is saying”

When we are preoccupied and lost in our own thought, we aren’t
being fully present to others and we are not being mindful. We
need to make the conscious effort to not let our thoughts wander
so we can give our attention fully to the person communicating
with us
Pre-judgement is thinking we know what the person is going to
say and tuning out because we think we already know it. This
disconfirms and disvalues the communicator and takes away
their voice. It also makes us close minded and less likely to
learn things from the person speaking
Words can evoke different feelings for a lot of people. By
allowing these reactions, we can sometimes miss the meaning of
the message. This often leads to lack of interpretation of what
the person has to say as we start to not think about what they
are saying and rather think about what those words mean to us.
It is important for us to recognize in ourselves what phrases and
words evoke the reactions so we can monitor them better
Active listening is hard and draining which often leads to us not
doing it well. In cases like these, we need to call forth
additional energy or maybe ask the person to talk about this
later and explain that you are interested but are too drained to
do so well at that moment
Effective listening can be stopped if we don’t adjust how we
listen. How we listen should depending on the goal of
communication, ie getting information, supporting others, or for
pleasure. It is also important to have different listening styles
because of different cultures and speech communities.
Failure to adapt listening style
Different skills are needed for different situations
Listening should change based on culture or community
Race is also a factor in shaping how we listen

Effective listening can be stopped if we dont adjust how we
listen. How we listen should depending on the goal of
communication, ie getting information, supporting others, or for
pleasure.
It is also important to have different listening styles because
different cultures and communities expect different things.
Women use communication to develop relationships thus their
listening style tends to focus on eye contact, giving substantial
feedback, as well as using nonverbal communication to express
interest. Masculine communities dont focus on these as much
but rather offering advice to show interest. Adapting to these
listening styles serves for better communicatio n with these
communities
Race can also provide different listening styles. Caucasians tend
to not interrupt each other as a sign of respect and to show
interest. African American listening styles tend to use
interjections like “go on” or “tell me more” to show that they
are paying attention.
We shouldnt impose our own listening styles on every situation.
We should try to understand and adapt to different communities
to better understand the messages they are telling
Forms of NonListening
Pseudolistening (pretending to listen)
You might miss important information!
Usually, people can tell you are not paying attention

If they can’t tell it will be made obvious when your input is not
relevant to the conversation
Monopolizing (focusing communications on ourselves instead of
listening to the person who is talking)
Conversational Rerouting - they shift the topic back to
themselves
Interrupting - diverts attention from speaker to themselves
There are less opportunities to learn from others (we know our
own opinions, there is nothing to gain from hearing ourselves)
Not all interruptions are attempts to monopolize the
conversation. Interrupting can show interest, voice support and
ask for elaboration
Selective Listening
(Only focusing on particular parts of communications)
You screen out parts of a message that doesn’t
interest you
You reject communication that makes you uneasy
You could be missing out on valuable information

Defensive Listening (perceiving personal attacks, criticism, or
hostility in communications that is not critical or mean-spirited)
We assume others don’t like, trust or respect us and we read
these motives into whatever they say
Some people expect criticism from all sides
This outlook can distort our perceptions of others’
communications
Ambushing (listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a
speaker)
This involves careful listening in order to gather information to
attack a speaker, not to understand them
Often arouses defensiveness in others
Literal Listening
When someone only listens for content
It is insensitive to others’ feelings and to our own connection
with them
This person doesn’t make the effort to understand how others
feel

Adapting Listening to Communication Goals
Determine your reason for listening
You listen differently depending on your motive
Listening for Pleasure (Music, Podcasts, Videos, etc.)
Listening for information
Listening to Support Others
Listening for Information
(The goal is to gain, evaluate and understand information)
Be Mindful: don’t let mind wander and ask questions to better
understand
Control Obstacles: Minimize noise and psychological
distractions
Ask Questions: Deepens insight into content that you did not
comprehend
Use Aides to Recall: Repeat important details immediately to
yourself, use mnemonic devices
Organize Information: Regroup jumbled information
Listening to Support Others
Be Mindful
Be careful in expressing judgement
Understand Other’s perspective
Paraphrasing
Minimal encouragers: (“Tell me more”, “Really?”, etc.)

Ask Questions: (“How do you feel about that?”, “What do you
plan to do?”) Sometimes it is helpful to ask “Are you looking
for advice or just to vent?”
Being interested and invested in the conversation by
concentrating on what lies between and behind content
This distances us from others and their feelings. It can be
helpful if that is what the other person is looking for but
REMEMBER “judgements are harsher than honesty requires”
Focus on words and nonverbal behaviors that gives us clues
about how others feel and think
clarifying other’s meaning or needs by reflecting our own
interpretation.
Indicates we are listening, interested and encourages others to
keep talking
Online Communication requires listening
You use the same listening attitude and skills when listening to
someone f2f
Increased online engagement can be an obstacle
Our devices threaten to overtake our lives
Exercise critical thinking
Ask critical thinking questions when accuracy is not guaranteed
and check other sources for consistency

When it comes to online communication we use the same
listening attitude and skills when we listen to someone in face
to face communication. All online communication requires
listening and attentiveness to the things you chose to see or
read. Video calls over social media are a big example of when
we use our listening skills because it reflects f2f communication
virtually. Our increased engagement can be seen as an obstacle
to listening. A majority of people have portable online devices
that they use on a daily basis. The more we use our devices the
less attention we give to tasks or people that require our
awareness. Through online communication we should exercise
critical thinking. It’s important to ask critical questions about
what we read or choose to read in order to determine credibility.
Accuracy is not guaranteed, therefore we should check various
sources for consistency before forming our own judgements.
Guidelines for Effective Listening
Be mindful
Adapt Listening Appropriately
Listen Actively
Be mindful
Adapt Listening Appropriately
Listen Actively
Communication Climate:
The Foundation of Personal Relationships

Features of Satisfying Relationships
Investment
the time, energy, thoughts, feelings, and commitments we make
with another person.
the irrecuperable time that is committed between two
individuals (and if a relationship you have with an individual is
ended, so too is the investment).

The effort that is required to maintain a satisfying relationship
with a significant other usually succeeds if the investment both
individuals make with one another is close to equal.
Commitment
the decision to stay in a relationship long term with the expl icit
intent of sharing a future with your significant other.
Partners in a committed relationship have more long term
responsibility in order to keep the relationship functional over
the long term future.
Trust
Trust is a person’s belief in the reliability of another person to
look out for each other’s welfare in a relationship.
Trust is a privilege that is given to people over time and is
eventually earned through proof of someone’s reliability.

The importance of trust cannot be overstated. If trust is
established between two individuals, than risks involving the
opening of one’s self – and thus greater intimacy - are more
likely to occur.
The opening up of personal information about oneself to another
person cautiously and over time.
Self Disclosure
Self Disclosure
Early on in a relationship providing some self disclosure to
another person is out of reciprocity and usually helps improve
the vulnerability that one or both parties are feeling in the early
stages.
Self disclosure is less of an important process after the early
stages of a relationship because once a relationship has been
established over many years the need for self disclosure lessens
as the relationship becomes more stable.

Comfort with Relational Dialectics
Opposing tensions and conflicts that are
constant & normal in personal relationships
Autonomy/Connection
“I want to be close with you.”
“I need my own space.”
Novel/Predictability
“I like familiar rhythms & routines.”
“We need to do somethi ng
new and different.”
Openness/Closedness
“I like sharing so much of our relationship.”
“There are some things I don’t want to talk about with you.”
Autonomy/Connection
Autonomy/connection is the need for balance between
independence (autonomy) and closeness (connection). This
balance is entirely determined by individual preferences and is
essential for balancing friendships and relationships.

The issue of autonomy/connection is one of the most common
causes of tension between friends and couples.
Autonomy/connection is expressed through openness/closedness
and is usually expressed by one person to another as “I love
spending time with you” (connection) “I need space from
you”(autonomy).
Novelty is defined as new or unique elements in a friendship or
relationship to maintain interest.
Predictability is as defined as consistency and predictability
throughout your day.
Like autonomy/connection, there is a certain amount of balance
required in order to have a healthy amount of
novel/predictability within a relationship.

A good way to balance novelty and predictability is to split
responsibilities between each other and to do new activities
with one another.
Openness/Closedness
Openness/closedness is defined as the amount of open
communication and closeness with a person (openness) and the
amount of privacy you want for yourself (closedness).
The key to balance with openness/closedness is the need to
communicate and set boundaries with a friend or close partner
how much appropriate openness you both want, and how much
privacy you want.
The Three Dialects
All three dialectics, and negotiating them, are the most common
disputes and discussions that people in close relationships have.
But balancing all three is an important requirement needed in
order to maintain healthy relationships.
Autonomy/Connection
Openness/Closedness

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions
The first response is neutralization, which is negotiating a
balance between the opposing needs.
The second response is selection, which prioritizes one
dialectical need over the other.
The third response is separation, which assigns a dialectic to
one sphere of interaction between two people and vice vers a.
The fourth response is reframing, which involves articulating
the opposite dialectics in a manner that is not oppositional. An
example would be when two romantic partners do not become
angry and confrontational when they disagree about a dialectic,
but instead use the tension to promote more intimacy.
Confirming & Disconfirming Climates

ConfirmingDisconfirmingRecognition“You Exist.”
“Hello.”“You don’t exist”
[Silence]Acknowledgement“You matter to me.”
“We have a relationship.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt”“You don’t matter.”
“We are not a team.”
“You’ll get over it”Endorsement“What you think is true.”
“What you feel is ok.”
“I feel the same way.”“You are wrong.”
“You shouldn't feel the way you do.”
“Your feeling doesn’t make sense.”
Three Levels of Confirmation & Disconfirmation
Confirming & Disconfirming Communication
(Gibb, 1961, 1964, 1970)

Evaluation v. Description
Evaluation
Making judgments about another's thoughts, feelings or actions.
Promotes defensiveness.
Description
Observing and describing another’s thoughts, actions, or
behaviors.
Promotes openness.

Certainty v. Provisionalism
Certainty
Includes language that is bottom line and absolute. Closed
mindedness.
Provisionalism
Language that suggests one is open to other ideas other than his
or her own.
Promotes an open, free, accepting environment.
Strategy v. Spontaneity
Strategy
Communicates manipulation and deceit.
Makes others put their guard up.
Spontaneity
Being outright with needing help.
Communicates openness, honesty, vulnerability.

Control v. Problem Orientation
Control
Conveys that one’s ideas and solutions are the only correct,
acceptable option.
Makes others feel inferior.
Problem Orientation
Teamwork and cooperation. Everyone plays a part.
Makes others feel included and valued.
Neutrality v. Empathy
Neutrality
Responding to someone in a detached manner.
Shows disregard for another's feelings, ideas and actions.
Empathy
Acknowledging and endorsing another's feelings thus making
them feel validated and understood

Equality
Allows both parties to feel equal. Felt when someone expresses
that they are our equals and not in competition with another.
Promotes a safe, relaxed and open environment.
Superiority v. Equality
Superiority
Communicates that one is better, wiser, more intelligent than
another.
Makes others become defensive and shut down.
Sustaining Confirming Climates + Social Media

Guidelines for Creating & Sustaining Climates
Actively Using Communication
Identify patterns
Accept tension
Honor our needs
Actively Using Communication
Autonomy vs. Connection
Novelty vs. Routine
Openness vs. Closedness
“Contradictory needs keep us aware and provide us with the
importance of fulfilling all.”

Accepting & Confirming Others
Be honest
Provide context
Validate their thoughts
Accepting & Confirming Others
Intimate talk vs. activity experience:
review & take perspective of how a person prefers to handle
conversations
“You might combine the two styles of intimacy by doing things
together that might invite conversation.”
Affirm & Assert Yourself
* Give everyone a voice
* Express feelings with
I language
* Respect different preferences

Affirm & Assert Yourself
Aggression vs. Assertion
Neglection of self vs.
of relationships
Needs: Subordinate vs.
Placing above
“Thought I was taking care of my relationships but really I was
hurting them, because I felt neglected.”
Be cautious about imposing meanings
Compromise closeness and autonomy
Western/Eastern self-disclosure

Dialects vs. Communication styles
Patterns vs. Relationships
Not sure? JUST ASK!
“There is a tremendous variety in what people find comfortable,
affirming, & satisfying.”
Seek more information
Consider the validity of critique
Determine how to move forward
Concrete information vs. Assumption
Keeps the door open for future dialogue
“It gives us insight into how others feel about us and what we
do. Allows honest expression of feelings.”

Failed to:
Use assertion
Gauge the situation’s
necessary context
Not impose meanings
Seek info on critiques
Respect preferences
Guidelines Example
Social Media & Communication Climate
Disclosure:
less secure
Confirmation:
poor acknowledgement
Interpretation:
limited nonverbal cues

Conclusion
People’s perceptions of how a climate should be interacted with
vary greatly. Take your time, assess the relationship, be honest,
and be respective.

Managing Conflict In Relationships
Chapter
9
➔ Define interpersonal conflict
➔ Understand all six principles of conflict
➔ Discuss multiple ways to approach and respond to conflict
➔ Recognize certain behaviors that fuel unproductive
conflict
➔ Apply chapter concepts to digital and online
communication
➔ Be able to communicate effectively when engaging in
conflict
Defining Interpersonal Conflict
➔ “Exists when there is expressed tension between people
who are interdependent, perceive they have incompatible goals,
and feel a need to resolve those differences”
➔ When one person feels the need to arguably persuade the
other person to see things their way.
Expressed Tension
Interpersonal conflict is expressed

disagreement, struggle or discord.
Ways of expressing conflict:
➔ Shooting daggers with your eyes = “I’m angry with you”
➔ Walking away from a conversation or giving silent
treatment = expressed hostility
➔ “Im furious with you!” = directly expressing disagreement
➔ Not responding to a text = indirectly expressing
disagreement
Interdependence
➔ Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who
perceive themselves as interdependent (I-Thou) at the time of
the conflict.
➔ This means that we don’t fight with people who don’t
matter to us. Arguing over certain things can be a sign that
people care about each other (to a certain extent)
Perceived Incompatible Goals
➔ Perceived incompatible goals means you’ve locked
yourself into a conflict script and so it is less likely to find a
mutually accepted outcome.
➔ Example: Bob likes barbecue but Sara likes salads. There
is probably a restaurant that has both those things on the menu
but if they already “know they don’t like the same restaurants”
then they are less likely to find one they both like.
Bob

Sara
6
The Felt Need for Resolution
➔ Conflict is started by differences but if those differences
don’t spark a need for resolving them then they are just
differences.
➔ Example: Bob loves BBQ. Sara loves salads. They’re
friends, but they like to play soccer together, not eat. So they
never have lunch together and it stays at just being a
difference, instead of a conflict.
Principles of Conflict
Principle #1
Conflict is natural in most Western Cultures
➔ It’s normal and inevitable in a relationship
➔ Engaging in conflict indicates people care enough about
each other to want to resolve differences

➔ Even the strongest relationships have underlying
disagreement
➔ Hidden conflict never gets dealt with
Principle #2
Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly
➔ Overt = out in the open and explicit
➔ Example: verbal arguement
➔ Covert = deliberately do something to hurt the other
person but not in a straightforward manner
➔ Example: passive aggression- acting aggressive while
denying feeling or acting aggressive
Principle #3
Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
➔ Social and cultural memberships shape how we respond to
conflict
➔ Mediterranean cultures: conflict = lively, normal and
valuable for everyday life
➔ France & Arabic countries: men debate for fun
➔ Hispanic: conflicts = opportunities for emotional
expression
➔ Asian: conflict = destructive
➔ Americans: conflict = assertiveness and individuality

Principle #4
Conflict can be managed well or poorly
➔ How we manage conflict influences its resolution and its
impact on interpersonal climates
➔ “You” language vs. owning your feelings
Principle #5
Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
➔ When constructive, conflict provides opportunities to
grow and to strengthen the relationship
➔ Deepen insight and ideas
➔ A time to consider different point of view
➔ Better understanding of the person with which you’re
arguing
➔Lack of conflict reflects limited amount of emotional depth
or unwillingness to work out differences
Orientations to Conflict
Lose-Lose
➔ The assumption that conflict will result in a loss for
everyone
➔ Unhealthy and destructive for relationships

➔ People who adopt the lose-lose orientation typically try to
avoid conflict as well
➔ Purposefully avoiding conflict now can actually lead to
worse conflict down the line
➔ Example: Not wanting someone to get mad at you for
something you did, so you refrain from telling them to avoid
the conflict. Two months later, what you did affects them in a
much worse way.
➔ Example: You broke your mom’s favorite serving dish.
You don’t tell her because you know she will be upset and that
she will get mad at you. Two months later, she throws a dinner
party and when the guests arrive, she doesn’t have her dish and
so she is furious with you
Win-Lose
➔ The assumption that one person wins at the expense of the
other
➔ There can only be one “winner”
➔ “Yes” or “no” mentality -- no third option will become
available
➔ Neither partner will make the effort to find a third
solution that fits both of their needs
➔ Example: We will either go skiing while on vacation, or
we will stay at home and do nothing, knowing that one person
loves skiing and the other hates it
➔ Win-lose can be appropriate when there is a high desire to
prevail, low commitment to the relationship, or little desire to
take care of your partner

Win-Win
➔ The assumption that there is a solution to your differences
where everyone involved wins
➔ Possible when both partners are equally committed to
finding a mutually acceptable solution
➔ When a compromise is made so that both partners win,
this signifies satisfaction, respect, and love of the relationship
➔ When a win-win view of conflict is invoked, often a
solution neither partner previously thought of will be
discovered
➔ Example: You want to go skiing while on vacation, but
your partner wants to go to rock climbing. You both
compromise slightly and agree to go horseback riding and camp
at the lake instead
Responses to Conflict
The Exit Response
➔ Physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing
from a situation
➔ Lose-lose or win-lose orientations
➔ Destructive and active
➔ Ignoring messages/phone calls

The Neglect Response
➔ Denies and/or minimizes the problem, disagreement,
anger, tension, etc.
➔ Lose-lose or win-lose orientations
➔ Destructive and passive
➔ Used if an issue cannot be resolved without further
harming the relationship, or if the person isn’t that committed
to the relationship
➔ Example: Ignoring a problem hoping it will go away on its
own
➔ Example: “You’re overreacting”
The Loyalty Response
➔ When you stay committed to a relationship despite
differences with your partner
➔ Loyalty doesn’t actively address conflict
➔ Lose-lose orientation (avoids conflict)
➔ Constructive and passive
➔ Example: Your partner wants to quit their job and pursue
their passion. You think it’s a terrible idea and you’d rather
them have the safety net of a job, but you also want to support
your partner no matter what, so you don’t voice your opinion

The Voice Response
➔ Confronting conflict directly in an attempt to resolve it
➔ Identifies the problems and makes it known that they need
to be dealt with
➔ Generally the most constructive way to deal with conflict
within a relationship
➔ Win-win orientation
➔ Constructive and active
➔ Example: Letting your partner know that you value their
passions and their happiness, but you think it’s best if they
keep their job until they are more financially stable
Exit
Voice
Loyalty
Neglect
Active
Passive
Constructive
Destructive

Communication Patterns During Conflict
➔ We have different patterns that we get use with during
verbal or physical conflict, Productive and Unproductive
Conflict patterns are the two patterns that can determine the
outcome of conflict itself.
Unproductive Conflict Communication
Conflict is centered around a preoccupation for oneself,
without any regard for the other person and their problems.
➔ Early Stages: Some examples of Early Stage Conflict
Patterns for an unproductive communication, are not
acknowledging or refusing to acknowledge the other person.
➔ Middle Stages: After the negative climate has been
established and set, it is fueled and enhanced by other forms of
negative communication.
Kitchen-Sinking is one example of Middle Stage Unproductive
Conflict Communication, which is where more and more
conflicts are created and tossed onto the already messed up
situation. Interruptions, and trying to throw the other person
off topic are some other methods of this.
➔ Late Stages: If the first two proposals failed to give the
duo a solution, then it will get to the point in where the arguing
duo will try and make propositions in an attempt to help
themselves rather than the other person. It will get to the point
of where since the duo has nothing to conclude on, then the
relationship has nothing to grow off.

Constructive
Conflict Communication
If one uses constructive communication during conflict, it will
be much easier for them to find relative ground to build off of.
Constructive Conflicts are a way of getting through differences
without harming the relationship.
➔ Early Stages: The early stages of constructive
management can be finding the problems and building over
them, trying to find out what each other is being bothered by,
and building off of that.
➔ Middle Stages: The Middle stages are finding ways to get
through other problems, while asserting other problems that
form along the way. Bracketing is a technique of taking a
conflict, and setting it aside to discuss later.
➔ Late Stages: Collaboration is key in constructive
communication. It’s a way of taking your problems, and finding
solutions together, rather than pitching a counterproposal.
Think of when someone has a lot of work, and has not spent
time with their partner, rather than trying to find things for
them to do, they both discuss a thing to do, while considering
each other’s work schedules.
Conflict Management Skills
➔ Attend to the relationship level of meaning: Tuning in to
the other person’s feelings about the relationship.
➔ Communicate supportively: Be empathetic, supportive,
and caring for the other, and do not show control, evaluation,
and superiority.
➔ Listen mindfully: Discover the other person’s intent,
goals, and mindset.

➔Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and issues:
Don’t flat out express your negative emotions, find a healthy
way of expressing them to those around you, probably by
reasoning with others.
Conflict Management Skills
➔ Check perceptions: Keep in mind of what the conflict is,
and see how severe the other person is taking it. It is best not
to overextend or underextend on your engagement.
➔ Looks for points of agreement: Find a common goal with
the other person, and a shared belief can solve problems in the
long run.
➔ Look for ways to preserve the other’s face: Don’t try and
down the other’s self image.
➔ Imagine how you’ll feel in the future: Think about
conflict, and how it will affect you in the long run.
Social Media and Conflict
➔ Conflict does not have to be face to face, and sometimes,
we take our fits of rage online to Twitter, Facebook, etc.
➔ One Advantage that Social Media has is that we are able
to step away from conflict. We can choose to delay the reply,
or just get out of the conversation all-together, and nobody is
gonna drag us by the hand back into the argument.
➔ Flaming is a word used to describe excessive insulting of
someone online, think of those people that comment on a video,
saying things like, “Wow, you are what’s wrong with Society.”

➔ Most of the time, the best way to avoid Social Media
Conflict is to simply IGNORE IT
Guidelines for Effective
Communication During Conflict
➔ Focus on the Overall Communication System: Conflict is
part of a larger whole, and we must make that whole healthy to
create a context in which conflict can be resolved without
jeopardizing partners or relationships.
➔ Time Conflict Purposefully: Time Conflicts carefully, and
make sure it is at the right time when choosing to confront an
issue.
➔Aim for Win-Win Conflict: Look for Conflict in which both
parties win, rather than trying to shoot for your own goal.
➔Honor Yourself, Your Partner, and the Relationship:
Relationships are affected by conflict, so conflict must take
into consideration the feelings and relationships of others.
➔ Show Grace When Appropriate: Grace is granting
forgiveness, however, it can’t be overused, otherwise people
will expect grace of you.
Constructive
Validation of each other
Sensitive listening
Dual perspective
Expressed support of each other

Recognition of other’s concerns
Asking for clarification
Infrequent interruptions
Focus on specific issues
Compromises & contracts
Useful metacommunication
Summarizing the concerns
Positive effect
Disconfirmation of each other
Poor listening
Preoccupation with self
Not supporting each other
Cross-complaining
Frequent interruptions
Hostile mind reading
Kitchen-sinking
Counterproposals
Excessive metacommunication
Self-summarizing by both partners
Negative affect
Unproductive
The End.
Chapter 4: The World of Words

The Symbolic Nature of Language
Symbols Are:
Arbitrary
Ambiguous
Abstract
Arbitrary - Words are not fundamentally connected to what they
represent.
Words seem appropriate because society agrees the definition
Meanings can change over time; language can change as new
words are invented.
Ex: “Sick” – meaning has changed over time, means different
things to different people
Ex: “Google” as an official word

Ambiguous - They don’t have clear cut meanings,
There’s an agreed-upon definition, because words don’t mean
the same to everyone.
Ex: “Affordable” or “Fun” - means different things to different
people
Abstract - They’re not concrete, nor tangible.
They stand for ideas/feelings/objects/people/events, but they are
not always what they represent specifically.
As words get more abstract, they get more vague.
Examples: “Love” “Motivation” “Work-ethic”
You can’t see them or touch them-hard to define
Principles of Verbal Communication

2. Principles of Verbal Communication
Language and culture reflect each other
Distinct values are expressed in adages from other cultures.
Ex: Which holidays are on your calendar vs. one from
eastern hemisphere?
Can lead to difficulties in work place
Ex: common sayings/adages
Social/cultural movements use language as primary tool
Ex: disabled person vs. person with disability
What is meant by
the American saying, “Every man for himself ”? Does it reflect
the idea that men,
and not women, are the standard? Does it reflect individualism
as a value? What
is meant by “The early bird gets the worm”? Does it mean that
initiative brings
success?
The meanings of language are subjective
Because words are abstract and ambiguous, their meanings
aren’t absolute.
We rely on words to think about what words and other things
means.
We continuously construct meanings (word making, word
association).

Language use is rule-guided
Communication rules: understandings of what communication
means and what kinds of communication are appropriate in
particular situations. Ex: quiet in a library
Regulative rules: specify when, where and with whom to talk to
about certain things. Ex: family rule to not cuss/swear, or must
say please/thank you
Constitutive rules: specify how to interpret and perform
different kinds of communication. These rules are shaped by
cultures and social groups.
Ex: We learn what is respectful/formal/informal communication
is in the workplace vs. around friends
Symbolic Abilities
The 5 ways symbols affect our lives
3. Symbolic Abilities
Language Defines Phenomena:
Language (symbols) define the world around us & help us to
perceive & think.

Language shapes perceptions
We interact with people based on particular aspects or
characteristics of a person.
Totalization
Responding to people as though they are defined by a sole label.
Language shapes and reflects relationships
The words we use to define our relationships determines what
happens in them.
2. Language Evaluates:
Language (symbols) is neither neutral nor objective.
Shaping perceptions
We tend to use positive language to describe ourselves and
others we like. We tend to do the opposite for people we do not
like.
Loaded language
Words can strongly slant perceptions and meanings.
Degrading Language
Hate speech is maliciously used to dehumanize members of
particular groups.
3. Language Organizes Perceptions:
How we organize experiences affects what they mean to us.
Abstract Thought

The organizational quality of language allows us to think about
abstract concepts.
Language can stereotype
Thinking in broad terms often results in generalizing or
stereotyping.
4. Language allows hypothetical thought:
Hypothetical thought allows us to dream, set goals, consider
alternative action, and imagine possibilities.
Thinking beyond concrete situations
Naming ideas and holding them in our minds to reflect on them
3 dimensions of time
past , present, and future
Ability to foster personal growth
Self-improvement
5. Language allows self-reflection:
Self-reflection - “I” aspect of self is spontaneous, creative,
responsive to inner wants and needs. “Me” aspect of self
reflects on the “I” from the perspective of others (socially
conscious).
Self-monitoring
Self-reflection allows us to monitor our communication and
make adjustments in order to be effective.

Manage our image
Reflecting on ourselves from others’ perspectives.
Speech Communities
4. Speech Communities
People from different social groups learn distinct ways of using
language and interpreting others’ language.
Members of speech communities share perspectives on
communication that outsiders do not have.
4. Speech Communities
Gendered speech communities
Gender socialization influences gendered speech communities
Women tend to talk more expressively centered around feelings
Men tend to talk in a more instrumental and competitive manner
Differing speech can lead to misunderstandings
Problems discussed between genders are sometimes
misunderstood due to differing speech communities.

This is evolving and there appears to be less difference in how
we are communicating based on gender roles
Social Media and Verbal Communication
The same Communication Rules apply online as well as IRL (in
real life).
5. Social Media and Verbal Communication
For example, we employ Regulative Rules when communicating
online.
Regulative Rules dictate how we speak to someone about what,
and where.
Scenarios: What tool would you employ in communicating with
the following people in your life?
Best Friend
Manager
Professor
Parent

Constitutive Rules have also evolved and apply to many online
situations.
Different behaviors are appropriate in different
contexts/scenarios.
EX: While most people wouldn’t post personal details about
their lives on a Facebook post, some people do choose to
divulge more detailed information on themselves through a
more personal blog website.
We also coin new words to describe experiences and other
forms of communication that are unique to social media.
Most new terms are combinations of words that already exist.
EX: Cyberbullying, Chat Room, “Going Viral”, Blogging,
Tweeting, “IRL”.
Guidelines for Improving Verbal Communication
Improving communication online is dependant on understanding
other people’s perspectives.
6. Guidelines For Improving Verbal Communication

Engage in Dual Perspective:
Recognize another person’s perspective and take that
perspective into account when communicating.
Dual Perspective honors both our point of view, and another’s.
Effective Communication is a relationship between people, and
we should be aware of others and their viewpoints when we
speak.
Own Your Feelings and Thoughts:
Avoid using language that absolves you of responsibility for
your emotions. Using “I” Language instead of “You” Language
helps you take responsibility for your own feelings.
“You” Language vs. “I” Language:
EX: “You make me feel small” vs. “I feel small when you tell
me that I’m selfish”
Respect What Others Say About their Feelings and Thoughts:
Even if you don’t personally agree with another person’s
feelings, you can and should still respect another person as the
expert on their own thoughts and emotions.
When we open ourselves to other people’s perspectives and

thoughts, we grow through their experiences.
Strive for Accuracy and Clarity:
Be aware of levels of abstraction.
Sometimes confusion stems from using excessively abstract
language. Clear, concrete statements are more effective for
conveying clear ideas.
Some level of abstraction can be helpful when communicating,
but only if everyone involved is familiar with the abstracted
terms.
EX: “Let’s hang out” is an abstract statement.
Qualify language in order to increase clarity when
communicating.
When generalizing: Most of the time, a general statement is not
absolute.
When describing and evaluating people: People are not static,
and describing people as if they are suggests that they are
unable to change.
Indexing: A technique developed in order to remind us that
evaluations only apply to specific times and circumstances.
EX: “Jake is irresponsible” versus “(In highschool) Jake was
irresponsible”.

Media Example
An example of excessively abstract language that causes
problems when not communicating face to face:
https://vimeo.com/121923151#t=27s
chap t er
one
A First Look At interpersonAL CommuniCAtion
© bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock.com
10
Chapter 1

Topics covered in this chapter
Define Interpersonal Communication Models of Interpersonal
Communication Principles of Interpersonal Communication
Social Media in Everyday Life
Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication Competence
After studying this chapter, you should be able to . . .
Give examples of the three types of relationships in Buber’s
view of communication.
Identify the key features that define interpersonal
communication. Distinguish content and relationship levels of
meaning.
Apply the transactional model of interpersonal communication
to a specific interaction.
List the range of needs that people try to meet in a particular
interaction.
Recognize eight principles behind effective interpersonal
communication.
Explain how the definition of interpersonal communication and
its features apply to social media.
Apply the guidelines discussed in this chapter to assess
communication competence in a particular interaction.
You’ve been interviewing for 2 months, and so far you haven’t
gotten a single job offer. After another interview that didn’t go
well, you text a friend. Instead of a terse response, your friend
texts back to suggest getting together for lunch. Over pizza,
you disclose that you’re starting to worry that you won’t ever
get hired because the economy is so bad. Your friend listens
closely and lets you know he understands how you feel and he
isn’t judging you. Then he tells you about other people he
knows who also haven’t yet gotten job offers. All of a sudden,
you don’t feel so alone. Your friend reminds you how worried
you felt last term when you were struggling with your physics
course and then made a B on the final. As you listen to him,
your sagging confidence begins to recover.

START… experiencing this chapter’s topics with an online
video!

11
Before leaving, he tells you about a virtual interview website
that allows you to practice interviewing skills, and he works
with you to communicate more effectively in interviews. By
the time you leave, you feel hopeful again.
Interpersonal communication is central to our everyday lives.
We count on others to care about what is happening in our lives
and to help us celebrate good moments and deal with
problems and disappointments. In addition, we need others to
encourage our personal and professional growth. Friends and
romantic partners who believe in us enable us to overcome self-
defeating patterns and help us become the people we want to be.
Coworkers who give us advice and feedback help us increase
our effectiveness on the job. And sometimes we just want to
hang out with people we like, trust, and have fun with.
In the workplace, interpersonal communication is critically
important. A 2010 national survey of employers reported that

89% of employers consider that college students should focus
on learning to communicate effectively orally and in writing in
order to be successful professionally (Rhodes, 2010). Similarly,
in 2012 employers said that key qualities for job applicants
were interpersonal skill, oral communication skill, and
adaptability (Selingo, 2012). A very recent poll (Hart Research,
2013) found that 93% of employers think a job candidate’s
demonstrated capacity to think critically and communicate
clearly is more important than their undergraduate major.
Leaders of organizations such as FedEx and GlaxoSmithKline
list communication as a vital skill for their employees
(O’Hair & Eadie, 2009). The pivotal role of communication in
health care (see first Communication in Everyday Life:
Workplace) makes it unsurprising that an increasing number
of medical schools base admissions, in part, on applicants’
communication skills, especially their ability to communicate
empathy to patients (Rosenbaum, 2011).
In this chapter, we take a first look at interpersonal
communication. We start by defining interpersonal
communication and providing a model of how it works. Then
we consider how interpersonal communication meets important
human needs. Next, we discuss principles of effective interper -
sonal communication and consider how social media affect
interpersonal communication. To close the chapter, we identify
guidelines for achieving competence in interpersonal
communication.
DeFining interpersonAL CommuniCAtion
When asked to distinguish interpersonal communication from
communication in general, many people say that interpersonal
communication involves fewer people, often just two.
According to this definition, an exchange between a homeowner
and a plumber would be interpersonal, but a conversation
involving parents and four children would not. Although
interpersonal communication often involves only two or three
people, this isn’t a useful definition.

12
Chapter 1
Perhaps you are thinking that intimate contexts define
interpersonal communication. Using this standard, we would
say that a couple on a first date in a romantic restaurant
engages in more interpersonal communication than an
established couple in a shopping mall. Again, this context is
not the key.
The best way to define interpersonal communication is by
focusing on what happens between people, not where they are
or how many are present. For starters, then, we can say that
interpersonal communication is a distinct type of interaction
between people.
We can begin to understand the unique character of
interpersonal communication by tracing the meaning of the
word interpersonal. It is derived from the prefix inter -,
meaning “between,” and the word person; interpersonal
communication literally occurs between people. In one sense,
all communication happens between people, yet many
interactions don’t involve us personally. Communication exists
on a continuum from impersonal to interpersonal (see Figure
1.1).
Much of our communication is not really personal. Sometimes
we don’t acknowledge others as people at all but treat them as

objects; they bag our grocer- ies, direct us around highway
construction, and so forth. In other instances, we
do acknowledge people, yet we
interact with them on a surface level and often in terms of their
social roles rather than personally. For instance, I often run
into neighbors when I’m walking my dog, Cassie. We engage
in small talk about weather and home projects. Through this
kind of interaction, we acknowledge each other as people, but
we don’t get really personal. With a select few people, we
communicate in deeply intimate ways. These dis- tinctions are
captured in poetic terms by the philosopher Martin Buber
(1970), who distinguished among three levels of communi -
cation: I–It, I–You, and I–Thou.
I–It Communication In an I–It relationship, we treat others
very impersonally, almost as objects. In I–It communication,
we do not acknowledge the hu- manity of other people; we may
not even affirm their existence. Sometimes we do not treat
sales- people, servers in restaurants, and
Diagnosis: Cultural Miscommunication
If you plan a career in the field of health, learn all you can
about different cultures. Patients’ cultural beliefs and values
affect how they perceive medical practitioners and how they
can be most effectively treated. Con- sider a few examples of
cultural misunderstandings (Galanti, 2000).
Some Asian cultures practice coining, in which a coin (often
heated) is rubbed vigorously over a sick person’s back to draw
out the illness. The resulting red welts are perceived as
evidence that the illness came out. However, on seeing red
welts on children’s backs, some American health professionals
have had Asian parents investigated for child abuse.
American culture emphasizes autonomy and each person’s right
to information about herself or himself. As a result,
physicians routinely share a poor prognosis directly with
patients before discussing it with other family members.
However in places such as Mexico, China, Iran, and the

Philippines it is considered extremely insensitive to burden a
person, particularly a sick person, with bad news. Instead,
family members should be told, and they, not the physician,
decide when and how to tell the patient.
One hospital got a lesson in cultural values when it tried to
assign a patient to Room 4. In the patient’s home country,
China, the character for 4 is pronounced almost identically to
the character for the word death. The Chinese patient did not
want to be in a room called “Death”!
WoRkpLACE

Do you think training in intercultural communication should
be
required as part of medical school?
13
clerical staff as people but only as instruments to take our
orders and deliver what we want. In the extreme form of I–It
relationships, others are not even acknowledged. When a
homeless person asks for money for food, some people look
away as if the person weren’t there. In dysfunctional families,
parents may ignore children and refuse to speak to them,
thereby treating the children as
things—as “its”—not as unique individuals. Students on large

campuses may also feel they are treated as “its,” not as people.
Jason, a sophomore in one of my classes, makes this point.
At this school, I get treated like a number a lot of the time.
When I go to see my adviser, he asks what my identification
number is—not what my name is. Most of my professors don’t
know my name. In high school, all the teachers called on us by
name. It felt more human there. Sometimes I feel like an “it”
on this campus.
I–You Communication The second level Buber identified is I–
You communication, which accounts for the majority of our
interactions. People acknowledge one another as more than
objects, but they don’t fully engage each other as unique
individuals. For example, suppose you go shopping, and a
salesclerk asks, “May I help you?” It’s unlikely you will have a
deep conversation with the clerk, but you might treat him or
her as more than an object (Wood, 2006a). Perhaps you say,
“I’m just browsing today. You know how it is at the end of the
month—no money.” The clerk might laugh and commiserate
about how money gets tight by the end of the month. In this
interaction, the clerk doesn’t treat you as a faceless shopper,
and you don’t treat the clerk as just an agent of the store.
I–You relationships may also be more personal than interactions
with salesclerks. For instance, we talk with others in classes,
on the job, and on sports teams in ways that are somewhat
personal. The same is true of interaction in Internet forums,
where people meet to share ideas and common interests.
Interaction is still guided by our roles as peers, as members of
a class or team, and as people who have common interests.
Yet we do affirm the existence of others and recognize them as
individuals within those roles. Teachers and students
often have I–You relationships. In the workplace, most of us
have many I–You relationships that are pleasant and
functional.
I–Thou Communication The rarest kind of relationship
involves I–Thou communication. Buber regarded this as the

highest form of human dialogue because each person affirms
the other as cherished and unique. When we interact on an I–
Thou level, we meet others in their wholeness and
individuality. Instead of dealing with them as occupants of
Jason
Impersonal
Interpersonal

It
You
Thou
Figure 1.1
The Communication Continuum
Cengage Learning
InSIghT
Poor Interpersonal Communication as the Number One Cause
of Divorce
According to a nationwide poll, a majority of people perceive
communication problems as the number one reason marriages
fail (Roper poll, 1999). Poll results showed that, regardless of
age, race, sex, or income level, Americans reported that
communication problems are the most common cause of
divorce; 53% of those who were polled said that ineffective
communication was the principal reason for divorce. Compare
this with the frequency with which people named other causes
of divorce: money problems, 29%; interference from family

members, 7%; sexual problems, 5%; previous relationships,
3%; and children, 3%. This finding is consistent with the
long-standing insight of marital therapists that good com-
munication is essential to satisfying marriages (Scarf, 2008).
14
Chapter 1
social roles, we see them as unique human beings whom we
know and accept in their totality. In I–Thou communication, we
open ourselves fully, trusting others to accept us as we are,
with our virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and strengths and
weaknesses. Buber believed that only in I–Thou relationships
do we become fully human, which for him meant that we
discard the guises and defenses we use most of the time and
allow ourselves to be completely genuine (Stewart, 1986). Much
of our communication involves what Buber called “seeming,”
in which we’re preoccupied with our image and careful to
manage how we present ourselves. In I–Thou relationships,
however, we engage in “being,” through which we reveal who
we really are and how we really feel. I–Thou relationships are
not common because we can’t afford to reveal ourselves totally
to everyone all the time. Thus, I–Thou relation-
ships and the communication in them are rare and special.
Building on Buber’s poetic description, we can define
interpersonal communication as a selective, systemic process
that allows people to reflect and build personal knowledge of
one another and create shared meanings. We’ll discuss the key
terms in this definition.
Selective First, as we noted earlier, we don’t communicate
intimately with the majority of people we encounter. In some
cases, we neither want nor need to communicate with others
even at the I–You level. For instance, if we get a phone call
from a pollster, we may only respond to the questions and not

engage the caller in any personal way. We invest the effort and
take the risks of opening ourselves fully with only a few
people. As Buber realized, most of our communication occurs
on I–It or I–You levels. This is fine because I–Thou
relationships take more time, energy, and courage than we are
willing to offer to everyone.
Systemic Interpersonal communication is also systemic, which
means that it takes place within various systems, or contexts,
that influence what happens and the meanings we attribute to
interaction. The communication between you and me right now
is embedded in multiple systems, including the interpersonal
communication course you are taking, our academic
institutions, and American society. Each of these systems
influences what we expect of each other, what I write, and how
you interpret what you read. Communication between me and
Chinese students taking a class in interpersonal communication
would reflect the context of Chinese culture.
Consider an example of the systemic character of
communication. Suppose Ian gives Mia a solid gold pendant
and says, “I wanted to show how much I care about you.” What
do his words mean? That depends in large part on the systems
within which he and Mia interact. If Ian and Mia have just
started dating, an expensive gift means one thing; if they have
been married for 20 years, it means something different. On
the other hand, if they don’t have an established relationship,
and Mia is engaged to Manuel, Ian’s gift may have yet
another meaning. What if Ian argued with Mia the previous
day? Then, perhaps, the gift is to apologize more than to show
love. If Ian is rich, a solid gold pendant may be less impressive
than if he is short on cash. Systems that affect what this
communication means include Mia’s and Ian’s relationship,
their socioeconomic classes, cultural norms for gift giving, and
Mia’s and Ian’s personal histories. All these contexts affect
their interaction and its meaning.

Everyday Skills To practice identifying types of
relationships, complete the activity “Communi- cating in Your
Relation- ships” at the end of the chapter or online.
15
Because interpersonal communication is systemic, situation,
time, people, culture, personal histories, and so forth interact
to affect meanings. We can’t just add up the various parts of a
system to understand their impact on communication. Instead,
we have to recognize that all parts of a system interact; each
part affects all others. In other words, elements of
communication systems are interdependent; each element is
tied to all the other elements.
All systems include noise, which is anything that distorts
communication or interferes with people’s understandings of
one another. Noise in communication systems is inevitable, but
we can be aware that it exists and try to compensate for the
difficulties it causes.
There are four kinds of noise. Physiological noise is distraction
caused by hunger, fatigue, headaches, medications, and other
factors that affect how we feel and think. Physical noise is
interference in our environments, such as noises made by
others, overly dim or bright lights, spam and pop-up ads,
extreme temperatures, and crowded conditions. Psychological
noise refers to qualities in us that affect how we communicate

and how we interpret others. For instance, if you are
preoccupied with a problem, you may be inattentive at a team
meeting. Likewise, prejudice and defensive feelings can
interfere with communication. Our needs may also affect how
we interpret others. For example, if we really need affirmation
of our professional competence, we may be predisposed to
perceive others as communicating more praise for our work than
they really do. Finally, semantic noise exists when words
themselves are not mutually understood. Authors sometimes
create semantic noise by using jargon or unnecessarily
technical language. For instance, to discuss noise, I could
write,“Communication can be egregiously obstructed by
phenomena extrinsic to an exchange that actuate mis-
representations and symbolic incongruities.” Although that
sentence may be accurate, it’s filled with semantic noise.
Similarly, the abbreviations typical in texts and tweets may not
be understood by people who use social media infrequently.
I wish professors would learn about semantic noise. I really try
to pay attention in class and to learn, but the way some faculty
talk makes it im- possible to understand what they mean,
especially if English is a second language. I wish they would
remember that we’re not specialists like they are, so we don’t
know all the technical words.
Some noise is more than one type. Listening to your favorite
music on your iPod while walking across campus creates both
physical noise and psychological noise. Social media can be so
distracting that people have accidents. One survey found that
1,000 people visited emergency rooms in a single year because
they tripped, fell, or walked into something while using a cell
phone to talk or text (Richtel, 2010). This is particularly
worrisome when we realize that people between the ages of 8
and 18 spend more than 7 hours a day using electronic devices
(Lewin, 2010a). In summary, when we say that communication
is systemic, we mean three things. First, all communication
occurs within multiple systems that affect meanings. Second,
all parts and all systems of communication are interdependent,

so they affect one another. Finally, all communication systems
have noise, which can
be physiological, physical, psychological, or semantic.
process Interpersonal communication is an ongoing, continuous
process. This means, first, that communication evolves over
time, becoming more personal as people interact. Friendships
and romantic relationships gain depth and significance
Carmella
16
Chapter 1
over the course of time, and they may also decline in quality
over time. Relationships on the job also evolve over time. Ellen
may mentor Craig when he starts working at her firm, but over
time they may become equal colleagues. Because relationships
are dynamic, they don’t stay the same but continually change
just as we do.
My daughter is my best friend, but it wasn’t always that way.
As a child, she was very shy and dependent. She was a sullen
teenager who resented everything I said and did. Now that
she’s 22, we’ve become really good friends. But even now, our
relationship has all of the echoes of who we were with each
other at different times in our lives.
An ongoing process also has no discrete beginnings and
endings. Suppose a friend stops by and confides in you about a

troubling personal problem. When did that communication
begin? Although it may seem to have started when the friend
came by, earlier interactions may have led the friend to feel
that it was safe to talk to you and that you would care about the
problem. We can’t be sure, then, when this communication
began. Similarly, we don’t know where it will end. Perhaps it
ends when the friend leaves, but perhaps it doesn’t. Maybe
your response to the problem helps your friend see new
options. Maybe what you learn changes how you feel toward
your friend. Because communication is ongoing, we can never
be sure when it begins or ends.
Because interpersonal interaction is a process, w hat happens
between people is linked to both past and future. In our earlier
example, the meaning of Ian’s gift reflects prior interactions
between him and Cheryl, and their interaction about the gift
will affect future interactions. All our communica tion occurs in
three temporal dimensions: past, which affects what happens
now; present, which reflects the past and sets the stage for the
future; and future, which is molded by what occurs in this
moment and past ones (Dixson & Duck, 1993; Wood, 2006a).
How couples handle early arguments affects how they deal with
later ones. Yesterday’s email response from a friend influences
what we write today and, in turn, what our friend may write
back tomorrow. In communication, past, present, and future are
always interwoven.
The ongoing quality of interpersonal communication also
suggests that we can’t stop the process, nor can we edit or
unsay what has been said. In this sense, com-
munication is irreversible: We can’t take it back. This implies
that we have an ethical responsibility to recognize the
irreversibility of communication and to communicate
carefully.
personal knowledge Interpersonal communication fosters
personal knowledge and insights. To connect as unique
individuals, we have to get to know others personally and
understand their thoughts and feelings. With family members

whom you have known all of your life, you understand some of
their worries, concerns, and personal issues in ways that new
acquaintances cannot. Longtime friends have a history of
shared experiences and knowledge that allows them to interact
more deeply than casual friends can.
Jana
AMC/Photofest
Walt (Bryan Cranston) and Jesse’s (Aaron Paul) relationship
during the course of Emmy award–winning drama Breaking
Bad changed dramatically from teacher–student to feuding
partners in crime.
Sharing personal information and experiences means that
interpersonal communication involves ethical choices. We can
use our knowledge to protect people we care about. We can
also use it to hurt those people, for example by attacking vul-
nerabilities others have revealed to us. Ethical communicators
choose not to exploit or treat casually personal information
about others.
Meaning Creating The heart of interpersonal communication is
shared meanings between people. We don’t merely exchange
words when we communicate. Instead, we create meanings as
we figure out what each other’s words and behaviors stand

for, represent, or imply. Meanings grow out of histories of
interaction between unique persons. For example, my partner,
Robbie, and I are both continually overcommitted, and we
each worry about the pace of the other’s life. Often, one of us
says to the other, “bistari, bistari.” This phrase will mean
nothing to you unless you know enough Nepalese to translate it
as meaning, “Go slowly, go gradually.” When one of us says,
“bistari, bistari,” we not only suggest slowing down but also
remind each other of our special time living and trekking in
Nepal.
Like Robbie and me, most close friends and romantic partners
develop vocab- ularies that have meaning only to them. People
who work together also develop meanings that grow out of
their interactions over time and the shared field in which they
work.
You may have noticed that I refer to meanings, not just one
meaning. This is because interpersonal communication involves
two levels of meaning (Rogers, 2008; Watzlawick, Beavin, &
Jackson, 1967). The first level, called the
17
Just as every person is unique, so is every interpersonal
relationship. Each develops its own distinctive patterns and
rhythms and even special vocabulary that are not part of other
interpersonal relationships (Nicholson, 2006). In the process of
becoming close, people work out personal roles and rules for
interaction, and these may deviate from general social rules
and roles (Duck, 2006; Dain- ton, 2006; Wood, 2006a). With
one friend, you might play pickup basketball and get together
for films. With a different, equally close friend, you might talk
openly about feelings.
As our relationships with others deepen, we build trust and
learn how to communicate in ways that make each other feel
comfortable and safe. The personal knowledge we gain over

time in relationships encourages us to know and be known: We
share secrets, fears, and experiences that we don’t tell to just
anyone. This is part of what Buber meant by “being” with
others. Personal knowledge is a process, one that grows and
builds on itself over time as people communicate interperson-
ally. Sometimes, we may even feel that our closest friends know
us better than we know ourselves, as Lizelle explains.
What I like best about long-term relationships is all the layers
that develop. I know the friends I’ve had since high school in
so many ways. I know what they did and felt and dreamed in
high school, and I know them as they are now. They have the
same kind of in-depth knowledge of me. We tell each other
everything, so it sometimes seems that my deep- est friends
know me better than I know myself.
lizelle
18
Chapter 1
content meaning, deals with literal, or denotative, meaning. If a
parent says to a 5-year-old child,“Clean your room now,” the
content meaning is that the room is to be cleaned immediately.
The second level is the relationship meaning. This refers to
what communication expresses about relationships between
communicators. The relationship meaning of “Clean your room
now” is that the parent has the right to order the child; the

parent and child have an unequal power relationship. If the
parent says, “Would you mind cleaning your room?” the
relationship meaning reflects a more equal relationship.
Suppose a friend says,“You’re the only person I can talk to
about this,” and then discloses something that is worrying him.
The content level includes the actual issue itself and the
information that you’re the only one with whom he will discuss
this issue. But what has he told you on the relationship level?
He has communicated that he trusts you, he considers you
special, and he probably expects you to care about his troubles.
My father needs to learn about relationship meanings. Whenever
I call home, he asks me if anything’s wrong. Then he asks what
the news is. If I don’t have news to report, he can’t understand
why I’m calling. Then Mom gets on the phone, and we talk for
a while about stuff—nothing important, just stuff. I don’t call
to tell them big news. I just want to touch base and feel
connected.
Cultures vary in how much they emphasize content- and
relationship-level meanings. In high-context cultures, great
emphasis is put on holistic understanding of meanings based
on a collective understanding of context. Words themselves
have little meaning until placed in the context of culture,
relationships, and people. Some cultures are low-context,
which means that communicators do not assume a great deal of
shared, collective knowledge. Because a high level of collective
knowledge is not assumed, the content level of meaning is
given great priority. Words and literal meaning are emphasized
and specifics are provided in conversation. The United States is
a low-context culture, whereas many Asian cultures are high-
context, which means that collective knowledge is assumed.
In high-context cultures, less emphasis is given to content-level
meaning and to providing specifics because communicators can
assume that others share their collective knowledge. For exam-
ple, in a low-context culture, a person might say to a
coworker,“Let’s get together to talk about our project. We can
meet in my office at 2 today and you can bring the draft. I’ll

order some coffee for us.” In a high-context culture, the
message might be “Let’s meet at 2 to discuss our project.” In
the high-context culture, the communicator assumes that the
coworker will share cultural understandings about where to
meet, what to bring, and whether there will be a beverage (Lim,
2002).
Scholars have identified three general dimensions of
relationship-level meanings. The first dimension is
responsiveness, and it refers to how aware of others and
involved with them we are. Perhaps you can remember a
conversation you had with someone who shuffled papers and
glanced at a clock or kept looking at a computer screen while
you were talking. If so, you probably felt she wasn’t interested
in you or what you were saying. In Western culture, low
responsiveness is communicated on the relationship level of
meaning when people don’t look at us, or when they are
preoccupied with something other than talking with us. Higher
responsiveness is communicated
ani

Everyday Skills To
practice distinguishing between content and relationship levels
of meaning, complete
the activity “Levels of Meaning” at the end of the chapter or
online.

by eye contact, nodding, and feedback that indicates
involvement (Richmond & McCroskey, 2000).
A second dimension of relationship meaning is liking, or
affection. This concerns the degree of positive or negative
feeling that is communicated. Although liking may seem
synonymous with responsiveness, the two are actually
distinct. We may be responsive to people we don’t like but to
whom we must pay attention. We may also be responsive by
glaring or scowling, which indicate we are attentive to the
other person but we are not affectionate. Also, realize that we
are sometimes preoccupied and unresponsive to people about
whom
we care. We communicate that we like or dislike others by what
we actually say as well as by tone of voice, facial expressions,
how close we sit to them, and so forth.
Power, or control, is the third dimension of relationship
meaning. This refers to the power balance between
communicators. Friends and romantic partners sometimes en-
gage in covert power struggles on the relationship level. One
person suggests going to a particular movie and then to dinner
at the pizza parlor. The other responds by saying she doesn’t
want to see that movie and isn’t in the mood for pizza. They
could be arguing on the content level about their different
preferences for the evening. If arguments over what to do or eat
are recurrent, however, chances are the couple is negotiating
power—who gets to decide where to go and what to do. In many
relationships, power is imbalanced: teacher–student, parent–
child, coach–athlete. Usually both people in relationships like
these recognize that one has more power, but sometimes the
person who has less power challenges the person who has more.
For instance, a student may question a teacher’s authority, and
a player may argue with a coach’s instructions.
Thus far, we have seen that communication exists on a
continuum, ranging from impersonal to interpersonal. We’ve

also defined interpersonal communication as a selective,
systemic process that allows people to build personal knowledge
of one another and to create meanings. Meanings, we have
seen, reflect histories of all interactions and involve both
content and relationship levels. To further clarify the nature of
interpersonal communication we’ll first discuss three efforts to
model the communication process.
Models of Interpersonal CoMMunICatIon
A model is a representation of a phenomenon such as an
airplane, a house, or human communication. Models show how
a phenomenon works. Early models of interpersonal
communication were simplistic, so we will discuss them very
briefly. We’ll look more closely at a current model that offers
sophisticated insight into the process of interpersonal
communication.
19
© Debby Wong /Shutterstock.com
20
Chapter 1

Linear Models
The first model of interpersonal communica tion (Laswell, 1948)
depicted communication as a linear, or one-way, process in
which one person acts on another person. This was a verbal
model that consisted of five questions describing a sequence of
acts that make up communication:
Who? Says what?
In what channel?
To whom?
With what effect?
A year later, Claude Shannon and Warren Weaver (1949)
offered a revised model that added the feature of noise. Earlier
in this chapter, we noted that noise is anything that interferes
with communication. Noise might be spam in online
communication, regional accents, or background conversations
in the workplace. (Figure 1.2 shows Shannon and Weaver’s
model.)
These early linear models had serious shortcomings. They
portrayed communication as flowing in only one direction—
from a sender to a passive receiver. This implies that listeners
never send messages and that they absorb only passively what
speakers say. But this isn’t how communication really occurs.
Listeners nod, frown, smile, look bored or interested, and so
forth, and they actively work to make sense of others’
messages. Linear models also erred by representing
communication as a sequence of actions in which one step
(listening) follows an earlier step (talking). In actual
interaction, however, speaking and listening often occur
simultaneously or they overlap. On the job, coworkers
exchange ideas, and each listens and responds as one person
speaks; those who are speaking are also listening for cues from
others. Online, as we compose our messages, instant messages
(IMs) pop up on our screens. At any moment in the process of
interpersonal communication, participants are simultaneously
sending and receiving messages and adapting to one another.

Figure 1.2
The Linear Model of Communication
Information Source
Receiver
Transmitter
Destination
Sender
Message
Message
Signal

Received Signal
Message
Noise Source
Receiver
Cengage Learning. Adapted from Shannon & Weaver, 1949.
Interactive Models
Interactive models portrayed communication as a process in
which listeners give feedback, which is a response to a message.
In addition, interactive models recognize that communicators
create and interpret messages within personal fields of experi -
ence (see Figure 1.3). The more communicators’ fields of
experience overlap, the better they can understand each other.
When fields of experience don’t overlap enough,
misunderstandings may occur. Madison’s commentary gives an
example of this type of misunderstanding.
I studied abroad last year. For the first couple of weeks tha t I
was in Germany, I thought Germans were the rud-
est people I’d ever met. They aren’t friendly with small talk and
saying hello; they push and bump into others and don’t
apologize. After I got to know some Germans, I realized they
are very nice, but they have different social norms than
Americans—especially Americans from the South!
Although the interactive model is an improvement over the
linear model, it still portrays communication as a sequential
process in which one person is a sender and another is a
receiver. In reality, everyone who is involved in communication
both sends and receives messages. Interactive models also fail
to capture the dynamic nature of interpersonal communication
and the ways it changes over time. For example, two people
communicate more openly after months of exchanging email
messages than they did the first time they met in a chat room.
Two coworkers communicate more easily and effectively after
months of working together on a project team.

Transactional Models
The transactional model of interpersonal communication is more
accurate because it emphasizes the dynamism of interpersonal
communication and the multiple roles people assume during
the process. In addition, this model includes the feature of time
to call our attention to the fact that messages, noise, and fields
of experience vary over time (see Figure 1.4).
The transactional model recognizes that noise is present
throughout interpersonal communication. In addition, this
model includes the feature of time to remind us that people’s
communication varies over time. Each communicator’s field of
experience, and the shared field of experience between
communicators, changes over time. As we encounter new
people and have new experiences that broaden our outlooks, we
change how we interact with others. As we get to know others
over time, relationships may become more informal and
intimate. For example, people who meet online sometimes
decide to get together face to face, and a serious friendship or
romance may develop.
The transactional model also makes it clear that communication
occurs within systems that affect what and how people
communicate and what meanings are
21
Field of Experience
Field of Experience
Encoder Source Decoder
Message
Feedback
Decoder Receiver Encoder

Figure 1.3
The Interactive Model of Communication
Cengage Learning. Adapted from Schramm, 1955.
madison
22
Chapter 1
created. Those systems, or contexts, include the shared systems
of both communicators (shared social networking sites, campus,
town, workplace, religion, social groups, or culture) and the
personal systems of each person (family, religious
association, friends). Finally, we should emphasize that the
transactional model doesn’t label one person a sender and the
other a receiver. In- stead, both people are defined as
communicators who participate equally and often
simultaneously in the communication process. This means that,
at a given moment in communication, you may be sending a
message (speaking or nodding your head), receiving a
message, or doing both at the same time (interpreting what
someone says while nodding to show you are interested).
The transactional nature of interpersonal communication im-
plies that communicators share responsibility for effectiveness.
People often say,“You didn’t express yourself clearly,” or“You
misunderstood me,” as if understanding rested with a single
person. In reality, responsibility for good communication is

shared. One person cannot make communication successful, nor
is one person totally responsible for problems.
Misunderstandings often
arise in email and online communication because feedback tends
to be delayed, a
problem that instant messaging can decrease. Another limitation
of online communication is the inability to convey inflection
and nonverbal behaviors, such as winks, that tell another
person we are joking. Sometimes we add emoticons—such as :)
or
:(—to signal emotions online. Because interpersonal
communication is an ongoing, transactional process, all
participants share responsibility for its effectiveness.
Now that we have defined and modeled interpersonal
communication, let’s consider important human needs that it
helps us meet.
The Interpersonal Imperative
Have you ever thought about why you communicate?
Psychologist William Schutz (1966) developed interpersonal
needs theory, which asserts that we create and sus- tain
relationships to meet three basic needs. The first need is for
affection, the desire to give and receive love and liking. The
second need is for inclusion, the desire to be social and to be
included in groups. The third need is for control,
which is a desire to influence the people and events in our lives.
Expanding on Schutz’s ideas, Abraham Maslow (1968) pro-
posed that we communicate to meet a range of human needs.
According to Maslow, basic needs must be satisfied before we
can focus on those that are more abstract (see Figure 1.5).
physical needs
At the most basic level, humans need to survive, and communi -
cation helps us meet this need. Babies cry to alert others when
they are hungry or in pain or danger. Beyond survival, children
Communication
Time1

Time2
Timen
Social Systems
Communicator A
Shared Field of Experience
Communicator B
Communicator A’s Field of Experience
Communicator B’s Field of Experience
Symbolic Interactions Over Time
Noise
Figure 1.4
The Transactional Model of Communication
Cengage Learning

Self-
Actualization
Needs
Self-Esteem Needs (Respect)
Belonging Needs (Inclusion, Fun)
Safety and Protection Needs (Shelter)
Physical Needs for Survival (Air, Food, Sex)

Most Abstract
Most Basic
Figure 1.5
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Cengage Learning
Communication also helps protect us from dangers and harm.
When foods are determined to be unsafe, news media inform
the public. Workers persuade managers to do something about
unsafe working conditions, and professionals
23
need interaction if they are to thrive. As we grow older, we
continue to rely on communication to survive and to thrive.
Good communication between doctors and patients is related to
effective treatment and to patients’ physical health (Fleishman,

Sherbourne, & Crystal, 2000). Our effectiveness in
communicating affects what jobs we get and how much we earn
to pay for medical care, food, leisure activities, and housing.
Furthermore, researchers have amassed impressive evidence to
document the close link between physical health and
relationships with others (Cacioppo & Pat- rick, 2009). College
students who are in committed relationships have fewer men-
tal health problems and are less likely to be obese (Braithwaite,
Delevi, & Fincham, 2010), cancer patients who are married live
longer than single cancer patients (“Cancer,” 2009), and people
who lack close emotional connections with others are more
likely to develop dementia than are people who have strong
relationships (Beekman, Deege, Jonker, & Schoevers, Stek,
Tjalling, van Tilburg, 2012; Brody, 2013). So important is the
connection between meaningful interpersonal relationships
and health that doctors John Cacioppo and William Patrick
(2009) assert that “social isolation has an impact on health
comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of
exercise, obesity, or smoking” (p. 5). Given this information, it
is unsurprising that people who have strong social connections
live almost 4 years longer than people with weaker social ties
(Holt-Lunstad, Smith, & Layton, 2010). We also rely on
communication to manage our practical needs and preferences.
We describe exactly where we want a tattoo; we negotiate for a
lower price at a con- signment shop; we explain our housing
preferences to a realtor; and we talk with a personal trainer to
develop a workout program that helps us meet our goals.
Safety needs
We also meet safety needs through communication. If your roof
is leaking or if termites have invaded your apartment, you must
talk with the property manager or owner to get the problem
solved so that you have safe shelter. If someone is threat- ening
you, you need to talk with authorities to gain protection. If you
take the car keys from a friend who has been drinking and say,

“I’ll drive you home,” you may save a life. We go online to
research symptoms we have and to learn about medical
conditions affecting friends or family members. After the tragic
shootings at Virginia Tech, many campuses around the country
developed plans for email alerts and sirens to warn students of
any dangers.
My mom is a worrier, and she was really concerned when I
decided to come to this big school instead of the one near
home. She calls me like five times a day just to ask what I’m
doing and if I’m okay. I get on her case about that a lot, but I
really like knowing she stays in touch and always has my back.
Chloe
24
Chapter 1
communicate with each other to do their jobs. Residents in
communities with toxic waste dumps rely on social networks to
organize and then communicate with officials and media to
call attention to environmental toxins that endanger their safety.
Belonging needs
The third level in Maslow’s hierarchy is belonging, or social,
needs. All of us want to feel that we fit in our work and social
groups. We want others’ company, acceptance, and affirmation,
and we want to give companionship, acceptance, and
affirmation to others. The painful feeling of being excluded or

rejected is often described as being “frozen out” or getting
the “cold shoulder.” It turns out, the cold sensation is not just
metaphorical, but is real. Researchers Hans Ijezerman and
Justin Saddlemyer (2012) found that our body temperature
drops when we feel excluded.
The connection between belonging needs and health is well
established. People who are deprived of human interaction over
a long time may fail to develop a concept of themselves as
humans. The “Communication in Everyday Life: Diversity”
feature summarizes two dramatic cases of social isolation. The
first case is that of Victor, a wild boy found in France in 1800;
the second case is that of Ramu, or “Ghadya ka Bacha,” the
“wolf boy” (Gerstein, 1998; Shattuck, 1994). Doctors who
examined Ramu concluded that he was a feral child, which
means he was raised in the wild with little or no human
contact. As a result, he did not have a sense of himself as a
person or a human being. His self-concept and self-esteem were
shaped by those with whom he interacted, presumably wolves.
Two other cases are documented by sociologist Kingsley Davis
(1940, 1947). Anna and Isabelle, two girls who were not
related to one another, received minimal human contact and
care during the first 6 years of their lives. Authorities who dis -
covered the children reported that both girls lived in dark, dank
attics. Anna and Isabelle were so undeveloped intellectually
that they behaved like 6-month-olds. Anna was startlingly
apathetic and unresponsive to others. She did not progress well
despite care, contact, and nutrition. She died 4 years after she
was discovered. Isabelle fared better. When she w as found, she
communicated by grunts and ges-
tures and was responsive to human interaction. After 2 years
in systematic therapy, Isabelle’s intelligence approached
normal levels for her age.
How do we explain the difference between these two isolated
children and what happened to them? There was one major dif-
ference. Anna was left alone all the time and had no human
contact. Food was periodically put in her room, but nobody

talked to her or played with her. Isa- belle, on the other hand,
shared her space with her mother, who
Social Networking on the Job
For years, employers discouraged workers from social
networking while on the job, but now many employers are
encouraging it. Social text and Microsoft’s SharePoint 2010 are
two of the leaders in online social tools for the workplace.
Employees who join create and maintain their own profile page
with personal information, photos, and information such as
birthday and college at-
tended. Rather than having “friends,” they have “colleagues.”
They can post real-time status updates on their profile page
and participate on internal wikis that allow team collaboration
(Swift, 2010).
SoCIAL MEDIA

Do you agree that social networking at work is good for
workers and employers?
was deaf and mute. The family had renounced both of them and
sequestered them in an attic.
Although Isabelle didn’t have the advantage of normal family
interaction, she did have contact with a mother. Because the
mother was deaf and mute, she couldn’t teach Isabelle to speak,
but she

did teach Isabelle to interact with
gestures and sounds that both of them understood. Thus,
Isabelle suffered less extreme deprivation than Anna.
Self-Esteem needs
Moving up Maslow’s hierarchy, we find self-esteem needs,
which involve valuing and respecting ourselves and being
valued and respected by others. As we will see in Chapter 2,
communication is the primary way we figure out who we are
and who we can be. We gain our first sense of self from others
who communicate how they see us. Parents and other family
members tell children they are pretty or plain, smart or slow,
good or bad, helpful or difficult. As family members
communicate their perceptions, children begin to form images
of themselves.
This process continues throughout life as we see ourselves
reflected in others’ eyes. In elementary school, our teachers
and peers influence our perceptions of how smart we are, how
good we are at soccer, and how attractive we are. Later, friends
and romantic partners reflect their views of us as loving or un-
loving, generous or selfish, open
or closed, and trustworthy or untrustworthy. In professional
life, our coworkers and supervisors communicate in ways that
suggest how much they respect us and our abilities. Through all
the stages of our lives, our self-esteem is shaped by how others
communicate with us.
25
DIvERSITY
Missing Socialization
Most of us take socialization for granted. We are born into
families, and
they socialize us as members of the human world of meaning

and action. But what if there were no humans around to
socialize you? Would you still be human? The question of what
it means to be human is at the heart of two extraordinary
stories of “wild children” who appear to have grown up without
human contact (Douthwaite, 2002; Gerstein, 1998; Shattuck,
1994). The first case took place in 1800. One day, French
hunters found a strange creature in the woods. They were
unsure what the creature was— perhaps a wild pig or monkey,
they thought. The hunters tied the creature to a pole and
brought it out of the woods for villagers to see. Quickly, it was
determined that the creature was a huma n boy—filthy, naked,
mute, and wild, but human nonetheless. When scientists were
consulted, they said the boy was severely mentally disabled and
unteachable. However, Jean-Marc Gaspard Itard disagreed. He
was a young doctor who de- voted many years to trying to
socialize the wild boy, whom he named Vic- tor. Itard was not
successful, perhaps because Victor had missed human
socialization during a critical developmental period early in
life. The story
of Victor is portrayed in François Truffaut’s film The Wild
Child.
A second case occurred in India in the middle of the 20th
century. A young, naked, starving boy found his way to the
hospital at Balram- pur, India. He showed no ability to interact
with people and had heavy calluses as though he moved on all
fours. In addition, there were scars on the boy’s neck as though
he had been dragged by animals. The boy, named Ramu by the
hospital staff, spent most of his time playing with a stuffed
animal, as a wild animal might in its lair. He showed no inter est
in communicating; indeed, he seemed to feel no connection with
other people. Ramu howled when he smelled raw meat in the
hospital kitchen more than 100 yards from his room—far too
great a distance for the human sense of smell to detect a
scent. Ramu also didn’t eat like a human; he tore meat apart
and lapped milk from a container. Most of the doctors
and scientists who examined Ramu concluded that he was a

“wolf boy”— “Ghadya ka Bacha” in the Hindi language—
who had grown up in the wild and had been socialized by
wolves.

Would you say Ramu was a wolf, a boy, or something else?
26
Chapter 1
Self-Actualization needs
According to Maslow, the most abstract human need is self-
actualization. Maslow (1954/1970) defined self-actualization as
fully developing and using our unique “talents, capacities,
potentialities” (p. 150). To achieve this, we need to refine
talents that we have and cultivate new potentials in ourselves.
As humans, we seek more than survival, safety, belonging, and
esteem. We also thrive on growth. Each of us wants to cultivate
new dimensions of mind, heart, and spirit. We seek to enlarge
our perspectives, engage in challenging and different
experiences, learn new skills, and test ourselves in unfamiliar
territories.
Communication fosters our personal growth. Therapists can be
powerful resources in helping us identify our potentials.
Friends, family, coworkers, and teachers can help us
recognize promise in ourselves that we otherwise might not see.
Adam recalls how such a person affected him in his first job.
Mr. Bentley really helped me when I had my first job. It wasn’t
much—just serving at a sandwich shop—but he mentored me.

He noticed I was awk- ward interacting with people, and he
said I could learn social skills. He showed me how to be more
effective—how to make customers feel comfortable, how to
notice subtle cues that they needed something. Before that job,
I’d thought of myself as kind of an introvert, somebody not very
good with people. But Mr. Bentley saw a possibility in me that I
hadn’t seen in myself, and, as a result, I developed social skills
and confidence that I never had before.
Another way in which we seek personal growth is by
experimenting with new versions of ourselves. For this, too, we
rely on communication. Sometimes we talk with friends about
ways we want to grow or with coworkers about ways we want
to advance professionally. At other times, we try out new styles
of identity without telling anyone what we’re doing. Some
people experiment with their identities online where visual
cues won’t expose their real race, sex, age, or other
characteristics. Lashelle’s commentary stresses the importance
of feedback from others in actual- izing our potential.
A person who changed my life was Mrs. Dickenson, my high
school history teacher. She thought I was really smart, and
she helped me see myself that way. I’d never considered myself
all that intelligent, and I sure
adam
lashelle
Cengage Learning

Understanding and interacting with diverse people is also
critical to success in professional life. Today’s and tomorrow’s
employers think it is very important
27
hadn’t thought I would go to college, but Mrs. Dickenson
helped me to see a whole new image of who I could be. She
stayed after school a lot of days to talk to me about my future
and to help me get ready for the SAT. If it weren’t for her, I
wouldn’t be in college now.
Others also help us self-actualize through inspiration and
teaching. Mother Teresa was well known for inspiring others to
be generous, compassionate, and giving. She had the ability to
see the best in others and to help them see it in themselves.
Mohandas Gandhi embodied the principle of nonviolent
resistance so gracefully and effectively that he inspired
thousands of Indians to define themselves as nonviolent
resisters. Years later, in the United States, the Rev- erend
Martin Luther King Jr. followed Gandhi’s example with his
nonviolent resistance of racism. Spiritual leaders such as
Buddha, Confucius, Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad also inspire
people to grow personally. As we inter-
act with teachers and leaders who inspire us, we may come to
understand their visions of the world and of themselves, and we
may weave them into our own self-concepts.
participating Effectively in a Diverse Society
In our era, the likelihood of meeting the needs Maslow
discussed depends on our ability to participate effectively in a
very diverse social world. Western culture includes people of
different ethnicities, genders, social classes, sexual orientations,

ages, spiritual commitments, and abilities. The United States is
becoming increasingly diverse. In 2009, almost 49% of births
in the United States were minorities, and 48.3% of children
under 5 years old were minorities (Nasser & Overberg, 2010).
In 2010 Caucasians made up 64% of the population, but by 2050
there will be no majority race in the United States (Cooper,
2012; Yen, 2012).
In a recent survey of first-year students at colleges and
universities, nearly half said that learning about other cultures
is essential or very important (Hoover, 2010). Research also
shows that exposure to students from a range of backgrounds is
one of the best predictors of whether first-year college students
return for a second year (Berrett, 2011).
Most of us realize that we expand intellectually and personally
when we engage people who differ in background, ethnicity,
age, and so forth. Dante notes the importance of this type of
communication.
My friend Bobby is about as different from me as a person
could get. He’s black; I’m white. He’s from a big city; I grew
up on a farm. He’s liberal politically; I’m conservative. That’s
what I like about Bobby—he doesn’t see a lot of things the way
I do. When we talk, we often start out at different points, but
we listen to each other and each of us learns other ways of
looking at things.
dante
Purestock/Jupiter

28
Chapter 1
for employees to be able to interact effectively with different
kinds of people. Job applicants who can do this have a keen
advantage.
Understanding and adapting to social diversity is critical to
professional success and even to
professional competence. Doc- tors, for instance, need to
realize that some Hispanic patients are reassured by eye
contact, whereas some patients from traditional Asian
backgrounds are uneasy when looked at directly. Social
workers need to understand that many people of Spanish and
Asian heritage have extended families that are much larger
than most Caucasian families.
In summary, interpersonal communication meets human needs
ranging from survival to self-actualization and growth through
encounters with a diver-
sity of people. Of course, our ability to meet our needs depends
on the effectiveness of our interpersonal communication. That
is why the final sections of this chapter identify principles that
enhance effectiveness.
prinCipLes oF interpersonAL CommuniCAtion
There are eight basic principles for effectiveness in
interpersonal communication.
principle 1: We Cannot not Communicate
A key principle to keep in mind is that we cannot avoid
communicating when we are with others because they interpret
what we do and say as well as what we don’t do and don’t say.
Even if we choose to be silent, we’re communicating. What
we mean by silence and how others interpret it depend on

cultural backgrounds.
Because Westerners typically are more verbal than many other
cultural groups, they are likely to regard silence as a signal of
anger, disinterest, or lack of knowledge. Some Native
Americans and members of many Eastern cultures might inter-
pret silence as thoughtfulness or respect. Either way, silence
communicates.
Communicating in a Multicultural World
Communicating effectively with diverse people begins with
learning how people in different cultures view communication
and actually practice it. One excellent resource for learning
more is the website of the Society for Cross-Cultural Research.
In addition to presenting a wealth of good information, this site
provides links to many other intercultural communication
sites.
Go to the Society for Cross-Cultural Research’s website:
http://www
.sccr.org/
Communicating comfortably and effectively with diverse people
is also essential to career success as organizations become
increasingly global and diverse. The Cornell University library
site, focused on workplace diversity, offers links to other
sites: http://www.ilr.cornell.edu
/library/research/subjectGuides/workplaceDiversity.html
DIvERSITY

Even when we don’t intend to communicate, we do so. We may
be unaware of a grimace that gives away our disapproval or an
eye roll that shows we dislike someone, but we are
communicating nonetheless. Unconscious communication of-
ten occurs on the relationship level of meaning as we express
feelings about others through subtle, often nonverbal
communication. Regardless of whether we aim to communicate
and whether others understand our intentions, we continuously,
un- avoidably communicate.
principle 2: Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible
Perhaps you have been in a heated argument in which you lost
your temper and said something you later regretted. It could be
that you hurt someone or revealed something about yourself
that you meant to keep private. Later, you might have tried to
repair the damage by apologizing, explaining what you said, or
denying what you revealed. But you couldn’t erase your
communication; you couldn’t unsay what you had said.
You may have had similar experiences when communicating by
email or posting on Facebook. Perhaps you read a message that
made you angry, and you dashed off a barbed reply, sent it, and
then wished you could unsend it. Perhaps you posted a picture
of yourself when you were not sober, and your parents saw it.
The fact that communication is irreversible reminds us that
what we say and do matters. It has impact. Once we say
something to another person, our words become part of the
relationship. Remembering this principle keeps us aware of the
importance of choosing when to speak and what to say—or not
to say!
principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical
Choices

Ethics is the branch of philosophy that focuses on moral
principles and codes of conduct. Ethical issues concern right
and wrong. Because interpersonal communication is
irreversible and affects others, it always has ethical
implications. What we say and do affects others: how they feel,
how they perceive themselves, how they think about
themselves, and how they think about others. Thus, responsible
people think carefully about ethical implications of their
communication.
Our everyday lives are filled with ethical choices. Should you
not tell someone something that might make him less willing to
do what you want? If you read a message on your social
network that makes you angry, do you fire off a nasty reply,
assuming that you will never meet the person and so won’t face
any consequences? Do you judge another person’s
communication from your own individual perspective and
experience? Or do you try to understand her communication on
her terms and from her perspective? In work settings, should
you avoid giving negative feedback because it could hurt
others’ feelings even if it might help them advance? In these
and many other instances, we face ethical choices. Throughout
this book, we note ethical issues that arise when we interact
with others. As you read, consider what kinds of choices you
make and what moral principles guide your choices.
29

30
Chapter 1
principle 4: people Construct Meanings in Interpersonal
Communication
The significance of communication doesn’t lie in words and
nonverbal behaviors. Instead, meaning arises out of how we
interpret communication. This calls our attention to the fact
that humans use symbols, which sets us apart from other
creatures.
As we will see in Chapter 4, symbols, such as words, have no
inherent or true meanings. Instead, we must interpret them.
What does it mean if someone says, “You’re sick”? To interpret
the comment, you must consider the context (a counsel- ing
session, a professional meeting, after a daredevil stunt), who
said it (a psychia- trist, a supervisor, a subordinate, a friend, an
enemy), and the words themselves, which may mean various
things (a medical diagnosis, a challenge to your professional
competence, a compliment on your zaniness, disapproval).
In close relationships, partners gradually coordinate meanings
so that they share understandings of issues and feelings
important to their connection. When a relationship begins,
one person may regard confrontation as healthy, and the other
may avoid arguments. Over time, partners come to share
meanings for conflict—what it is, how to handle it, and
whether it threatens the relationship or is a path to growth. The
meanings we attribute to conflict are shaped by cultural
backgrounds. Because standing up for your own ideas is
emphasized in the United States, many people who were born
and raised in this country value confrontation more than do
many Asians who
were raised in traditional Asian families. Conflict means
different things to each group.
Even one person’s meanings vary over time and in response to

experiences and moods. If you’re in a good mood, a playful
gibe might strike you as funny or as an invitation to banter.
The same remark might hurt or anger you if you’re feeling
down. The meaning of the gibe, like all communication, is not
preset or absolute. Meanings are created by people as they
communicate in specific contexts.
principle 5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings
The word metacommunication comes from the prefix meta,
meaning “about,” and the root word communication. Thus,
metacommunication is communication about
communication. For example, during a conversation with your
friend Pat, you notice that Pat’s body seems tense and her voice
is sharp. You might say,“You seem really stressed in our
conversation.” Your statement is metacommunication because
it communicates about Pat’s nonverbal communication.
We can use words to talk about other words or nonverbal
behaviors. If an argument between Joe and Marc gets out of
hand, and Joe makes a nasty personal attack, Joe might later
say, “I didn’t really mean what I just said. I was just so angry
it came out.” This metacommunication may soften the hurt
caused by the attack. If Joe and Marc then have a productive
© ampyang/Shutterstock.com
Acitelli also found that women are more likely than men to

appreciate metacommunication when there is no conflict or
immediate problem to be resolved. For example, while curled
up on a sofa and watching TV, a woman might say to her male
partner, “I really feel comfortable snuggling with you.” This
statement comments on the relationship and the nonverbal
communication
31
conversation about their differences, Marc might conclude by
saying, “ This has really been a good talk. I think we
understand each other a lot better now.” This comment verbally
metacommunicates about the conversation that preceded it.
Metacommunication can increase understanding. For instance,
teachers sometimes say, “ The next point is really important.”
This comment signals students to pay special attention to what
follows. A parent might tell a child, “What I said may sound
harsh, but I’m only telling you because I care about you.” The
comment tells the child how to interpret a critical message. A
manager tells a subordinate to take a comment seriously by
saying, “I really mean what I said. I’m not kidding.” On the
other hand, if we’re not really sure what we think about an
issue, and we want to try out a stance, we might say, “I’m
thinking this through as I go, and I’m not really wedded to this
position, but what I tend to believe right now is . . . .” This
preface to your statement tells listeners not to assume that what
you say is set in stone.
We can also metacommunicate to check on understanding: “Was
I clear?” “Do you see why I feel like I do?” “Can you see why
I’m confused about the problem?” Questions such as these
allow you to find out whether another person understands what
you intend to communicate. You may also metacommunicate to
find out whether you understand what another person expresses
to you. “What I think you meant is that you are worried. Is that
right?” “If I follow what you said, you feel trapped between

what you want to do and what your parents want you to do. Is
that what you were telling me?” You may even say, “I don’t
understand what you just told me. Can you say it another way?”
This question metacommunicates by letting the other person
know you did not grasp her message and that you want to
understand.
Effective metacommunication also helps friends and romantic
partners express how they feel about their interactions. Linda
Acitelli (1988, 1993) has studied what happens when partners
in a relationship talk to each other about how they perceive and
feel about their interaction. She reports that women and men
alike find metacommunication helpful if there is a conflict or
problem that must be addressed. Both sexes seem to
appreciate knowing how the other feels about their differences;
they are also eager to learn how to communicate to resolve
those differences. During a conflict, one person might say, “I
feel like we’re both being really stubborn. Do you think we
could each back off a little from our positions?” This expresses
discontent with how communication is proceeding and offers an
alternative. After conflict, one partner might say, “This really
cleared the air between us. I feel a lot better now.”
I never feel like an argument is really over and settled until
Andy and I have said that we feel better for having thrashed out
whatever was the problem. It’s like I want closure, and the
fight isn’t really behind us until we both say, “I’m glad we
talked,” or something to say what we went through led us to a
better place.
tara

Everyday Skills To
practice metacommunication, complete the activity “Improve
Your
Metacommunication” at the end of the chapter or online.

32
Chapter 1
between the couple. According to Acitelli and others (Wood,
1997, 1998), men generally find talk about relationships
unnecessary unless there is an immediate problem to be
addressed. Understanding this gender difference in preferences
for metacommunication may help you interpret members of the
other sex more accurately.
principle 6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and
Sustains Relationships
Interpersonal communication is the primary way we build,
refine, and transform relationships. Partners talk to work out
expectations and understandings of their interaction,
appropriate and inappropriate topics and styles of
communicating, and the nature of the relationship itself. Is it a
friendship or a romantic relationship? How much and in what
ways can we count on each other? How do we handle
disagreements—by confronting them, ignoring them, or using
indirect strategies to restore harmony? What are the bottom
lines, the “thou shalt not” rules for what counts as unforgivable
betrayal? What counts as caring—words, deeds, both? Be-
cause communication has no intrinsic meanings, we must
generate our own in the course of interaction.
Communication also allows us to construct or reconstruct

individual and joint histories. For instance, when people fall in
love, they often redefine former loves as “mere infatuations”
or “puppy love,” but definitely not the real thing. When
something goes wrong in a relationship, partners may work
together to define what happened in a way that allows them to
continue. Marriage counsel- ors report that couples routinely
work out face-saving explanations for affairs so that they can
stay together in the aftermath of infidelity (Scarf, 1987).
Partners often talk about past events and experiences that
challenged them and ones that were joyous. The process of
reliving the past reminds partners how long they have been
together and how much they have shared. As partners
communicate thoughts and feelings, they generate shared
meanings for themselves, their interaction, and their
relationship.
Communication is also the primary means by which people
construct a future for themselves and their relationships. For
intimates, talking about a vision of a shared future is one of the
most powerful ties that link people (Dixson & Duck, 1993;
Wood, 2006a). Romantic couples often dream together by
talking about the family they plan and how they’ll be in 20
years. Likewise, friends discuss plans for the future and
promise reunions if they must move apart, and work colleagues
talk about advancement and challenges down the road.
Communication allows us to express and share dreams,
imaginings, and memories, and to weave all of these into
shared understandings of a continuing relationship.
I love talking about the future with my fiancé. Sometimes, we
talk for hours about the kind of house we’ll have and what our
children will be like and how we’ll juggle two careers and a
family. I know everything won’t work out exactly like we think
now, but talking about it makes me feel so close to Dave and
like our future is real.
Karen

principle 7: Interpersonal Communication Is not a panacea
As we have seen, we communicate to satisfy many of our needs
and to create relationships with others. Yet it would be a
mistake to think communication is a cure- all. Many problems
can’t be solved by talk alone. Communication by itself won’t
end hunger, abuses of human rights around the globe, racism,
intimate partner violence, or physical diseases. Nor can words
alone bridge irreconcilable differences between people or erase
the hurt of betrayal. Although good communication may
increase understanding and help us solve problems, it will not
fix everything. We should also realize that the idea of talking
things through is distinctly Western. Not all societies think it’s
wise or useful to communicate about relationships or to talk
extensively about feelings. Just as interpersonal communication
has many strengths and values, it also has limits, and its
effectiveness is shaped by cultural contexts.
principle 8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can Be
Learned
It is a mistake to think that effective communicators are born,
that some people have a natural talent and others don’t.
Although some people have extraordinary talent in athletics or
writing, those who don’t can learn to be competent athletes and
writers. Likewise, some people have an aptitude for
communicating, but all of us can become competent

communicators. This book and the course you are taking should
sharpen your understandings of how interpersonal
communication works and should help you learn skills that will
enhance your effectiveness in relating to others.
soCiAL meDiA in everyDAy LiFe
As in every chapter, we will explore how social media are
relevant to the ideas presented in the foregoing pages. Consider
what the definition of interpersonal communication implies for
communication via social media. When we talk with people
face to face (f2f ), we are aware of their immediate physical
context, which is not the case with much online and digital
interaction. We may not know who else is present and what
else is happening around a person we text. When the systems
within which communication occurs are unknown to us, it’s
more difficult to interpret others. Also, because nonverbal
communication is restricted online and especially digitally, we
may miss out on meaning, particularly on the relationship
level.
Our definition of interpersonal communication also emphasizes
process— changes in communication that happen over time.
Think about how online and digital communication have
evolved in the course of the past two
33
© Ammentorp Photography/Shutterstock.com

34
Chapter 1
decades. When email first emerged, most people treated it much
like letter writing: An email started with “Dear” or “Hello” and
ended with a closing such as “ Thank you” or “Sincerely.” As
email became more popular and as all of us were flooded with
email messages, the opening and closing courtesies largely
disappeared. As email traffic continued to increase,
abbreviations started being used: BRB (be right back), LOL
(laughing out loud), and so forth. Texting brought more
innovation in use of symbols. Vowels are often dropped, single
letters serve for some words (u for you, r for are), and phrases
are more acceptable than complete sentences. The rules of
grammar, syntax, and spelling have been loosened for digital
natives who are accustomed to the autocorrect function that is
standard on most phones and computers.
Our definition of interpersonal communication also highlights
meanings, which are at the heart of our interaction via social
media. We blog and tweet to tell others what issues and events
mean to us; we follow others’ blogs and tweets to learn what
they think. Emerging norms for using social media also
challenge some long-standing meanings. For example, having
dinner with others tradition- ally has meant interacting in a
focused and continuous way with the people at the table;
attending a meeting has meant being mentally present in the
meeting. Yet people increasingly send or check texts during
meals and meetings, which may mean they are partially present
in multiple spaces, yet not fully present in any one.
We also discussed human needs that we satisfy through
communication, and these are met by interaction on social
media just as they are met by f2f interaction. For example,

Facebook and other social networking sites are a major sour ce
for satisfying our needs for belonging. You might take a
moment to reflect on the extent to which you rely on digital
and online communication to meet physical, safety, belonging,
self-esteem, and self-actualization needs and to participate
effectively in a diverse society.
Consider also how the eight principles of interpersonal
communication apply to online and digital interaction. For
instance, the principle that we cannot not communicate
implies that just as texting friends is communication, so is not
texting them. When we don’t answer others’ texts, they may
interpret this as meaning we are angry or uninterested in them.
Or consider the principle that interpersonal communication is
irreversible. Have you ever sent a text or tweet and then regret-
ted it but been unable to call it back? Have you ever wished you
could erase some of your electronic footprints—embarrassing
photos you posted years ago or flames that you regret? Our
online and digital communication is irreversible, just as our
face-to-face communication is.
A third principle is that interpersonal communication involves
ethical choices. Important ethical issues infuse the online and
digital world. Is it ethical to misrepresent yourself or your
goals when creating your profile for an online dating site? Is
exaggerating just a little (saying you are 5’10” when you are
really 5’8”) unethical? What about flaming or cyberbullying
and cyberstalking? How does the anonymity of much online
communication affect the ethical (or unethical) choices
people make? These are critical questions to keep in mind as
you communicate interpersonally using social media. Continue
this discussion by thinking about how the remaining five
principles we discussed apply to interaction via social media.

AMS 3316 Interpersonal Communication
There are 10 questions. If a question asks for you to give an
example or an illustration of a concept, use YOUR OWN

example, NOT the example used in the book. DO NOT SHARE
WORK OR SHARE ANSWERS.
Questions:
1. Explain briefly and in your own words, the features of
interpersonal communication. Discuss 3 of the key terms in the
definition and how you have seen them at work in your own
interpersonal communications.
2. Describe the four kinds of noise and give examples of each
kind of noise; YOUR OWN EXAMPLES, not those in the book.
Explain how these forms of noise can impact/interrupt our
communication interactions.
3. Discuss the influence of Particular Others and the
Generalized Other in creating individuals’ senses of identity.
Explain how these 2 sources influence our interpersonal
communications. Incorporate YOUR OWN concrete examples
into your response.
4. Explain the obstacles to communicating emotions
effectively, in your own words, and give a personal example of
each. In other words give an example of how each obstacle
could/would apply or how you have seen those obstacles play
out in “real” life.
5. Conflict: What components of managing conflict
(specifically) that we discussed in this class do you want to take
with you from the class and carry into your life and
relationships? Explain and describe how you personally might
do this as you go forward.
6. Climate: What type of climate do YOU set for people in your
life? How so? What aspects of the tone/climate that you set
would you change if you could? Do you set the same “climate”

in all areas of your life or are there different climates for
various parts of your life? Explain.
7. Listening: Why is it important? How do we screw it up? How
can we correct it and get good at it?? Use concepts we have
discussed in this class.
8. Your book discusses equality and the perception of equality
in relationships in a few different places/chapters regarding
relationships. Describe how you see this concept and how you
see its’ effect on relationships, the satisfaction in relationships,
etc. Give examples when and where possible.
9. What do you consider the most important/beneficial/helpful
thing that you learned in this class this semester? Explain why
you think it is helpful/beneficial or important. How do you see
what you have learned assisting you in the future? Do not just
regurgitate your discussion question, which was similar to this.
It is the end of the semester and we have talked about a lot of
things, so think!
10. Find the lyrics to a song that you think alludes to, gives
examples of or highlights concepts we have discussed in the
class regarding ourselves, interpersonal communication,
relationships, building relationships, the breaking down of
relationships, etc. (Can’t use John Mayer, Say What You Need
to Say). Google them or whatever and paste them, along with
the artist name and song title into your paper. Then, tie some
concepts that we have discussed in class and that are in our
book to this song. Discuss how you see the lyrics and concepts
relate to each other. Don’t make this too hard; it’s an
interesting way of looking at things - you can do it.

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