Two scenes compared and scene rewrite
- 1. Mr. Stripling Creating a Scene It is important for your short story to slow down at some point, giving moment-by-moment details. Tell what characters are thinking, add in some dialogue, and give descriptive details to help your reader see what is happening. Read the passage below and note how it doesn’t do the above things. This reads more like a short summary of what happened, rather than a scene from a short story. Passage 1 John and Allen had been friends since pre-school. They loved to do all the same things, played the same sports, and had all the same friends. They even liked the same girls. One Saturday they both went to the mall to buy some new clothes and saw this girl in the food court at the same time. They looked at each other, and instantly they knew it was on. John went up to her, but Allen tripped him before he could sit by her. Allen quickly took a seat before John could retaliate and asked the girl her name. “Sandy,” she replied. Allen told her his name as John took a seat on her other side and introduced himself as well. He told her that they had known each other since kindergarten and told her about how John had cried the first week of school. John could tell that Allen was just doing that to make John look bad, but he ignored it and tried to talk to Sandy. Allen kept interrupting and cutting John down, though, and eventually John got fed up and told Allen to stop being a jerk. Sandy then walked away, leaving the two boys standing there, glaring at one another. We have learned a little about the characters, but not much. Moreover, most of what we learn comes from the narrator just telling us the characters’ background, which isn’t very interesting. Read the same passage rewritten below and pay attention to how the details about the characters are revealed and how it moves more slowly and is a lot more detailed Revised Passage 1 I should have told her he wets the bed, John thinks to himself. Alone in his room, he stands there reminiscing about the day. Scanning through the objects scattered about his room, he finds constant reminders of Allen: the trophy their tee ball team won in first grade, the paper Waffle House hat they got their waitress to sign, even the bag that he had left the night before when he had stayed over. Suddenly, John kicks out at Allen’s bag at his feet. “Sh--!” he cries out as his foot collides with the unyielding mass of textbooks and binders. As he sits on the bed to nurse his stubbed toe, John thinks back to how the fight began. John and Allen had spotted her at the same time. Her clothes hugged the curves of her body, inviting John’s eyes to follow her contours. She sat alone at a table in the food court and glanced occasionally in John and Allen’s direction, obviously aware of their stares. Her look of bemused indifference told John that she was used to this treatment. “That girl over there is giving me the eye,” Allen interjected. “Sorry,” John replied, “that look she’s giving you is called pity. She’s scoping me out.” The two locked eyes for a second, and at the same moment they turned and started walking towards the girl. John had a slight lead, so Allen kicked John’s leg causing him to trip and fall on the hard, tiled ground. John threw out his hands in front of him to catch his fall and watched as Allen took the seat next to the girl. That seat should have been mine, he thought.
- 2. As he reached the seat on the other side of the table, he heard the girl tell Allen her name was Sandy. Giving Allen a look that told him exactly where he could go, John introduced himself. “John and me go way back,” Allen told her. “Known each other since kindergarten. Been friends ever since he stopped crying for his mommy that first week.” Hoping to change the subject, John asked Sandy, “Are you from around here?” “No, I just moved here.” “Of course she did,” Allen cut in. “Do you think legs like that could walk around here unnoticed? And speaking of legs,” he said now speaking to John, “why don’t you use yours to grab us each a smoothie?” “Uh, I don’t really—,” Sandy started to say. “John doesn’t mind at all, do you John?” Allen cut in. Without waiting for a response, he turned back to Sandy. “His last girlfriend whipped him into shape. Had him servin’ her hand and foot. Like a slave, really.” “Ex-girlfriend,” John said. “Right, ex girlfriend. I nearly died when I found out why she broke up with him,” Allen said returning his attention to Sandy. He’d better not, John thought, but even as he thought it, Allen’s voice rang out. “She caught him going through her underwear drawer!” John pushed back from the table so hard that his chair fell over and hit the floor with a loud clang. Clenching and unclenching his fist, he glared at Allen as the food court grew oddly quiet. Sandy muttered something about needing to go and walked away not looking back, but John barely noticed, inwardly willing his best friend to say something that would give him an excuse to let loose his fist. Now that you see how I want the passage to be rewritten, read the passage below and rewrite it in the same fashion. Try to include what the character is thinking, some dialogue, and passages of narration (when the narrator just states what is happening, like the last paragraph in the scene above). Passage 2 Mary had never been noticed much by the people around her. Ever since her parents got divorced, she always had been quiet and reserved. This year, though, she was going to be noticed by people she decided. On the first day of school she showed up in a hot pink skirt, hoping to attract attention. Also, in class she started cutting up to make other people laugh. Already more people were paying attention to her. Johnny, a cute boy who had never talked to her before, asked her between classes how her summer had been. At lunch, however, her old friend Elizabeth motioned for her to come sit by her. Mary ignored the invite, though, opting instead to sit with Johnny and his friends. Mary liked Elizabeth but decided she wasn’t cool enough to hang out with. Later that day, when Mary was walking with Johnny to Biology, Elizabeth came up and tried to join them. “Hi,” she said. “How was your summer?” Because she didn’t want Johnny to think she wasn’t cool, Mary shot Elizabeth a dirty look and called her a dork. Mary walked on past Elizabeth with Johnny on their way to Biology, but the thought of the hurt look on Elizabeth’s face kept bringing tears to her eyes.