Why Lie At All
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The document discusses the reasons why people lie and different types of lies. It explains that the main reasons for lying are fear of harm, conflict, punishment, rejection, and loss. It also notes that sometimes lies are told for altruistic reasons to help others. The document then describes different types of lies, including pseudologia fantastica (compulsive lying), white lies, lies of omission, and indirect lies. It provides examples and advice on how to detect lies, such as looking for inconsistencies, insincere emotions, microexpressions, and too many unnecessary details. The document concludes by advising people to not believe everything they hear and for liars to be sincere rather than faking sincerity.
Why Lie At All
- 1. November 2015 CFOCONNECT 39 think tank (a semi-truth is a lie too), he protects the reputation of his beloved. Some habitual liars lie to enhance their status. Their purpose is not to harm anyone but to project themselves in a particular way. Usually, such people suffer from low self-esteem and end up name-dropping. This name-dropping is not restricted just to dropping names of people they know or have met. It may even include dropping names of the fine dining restaurants they have visited or imagined having visited or places where they went vacationing. Pseudologia Fantastica is a term applied by psychiatrists to the be- haviour of habitual or compulsive lying. Some others lie to themselves. Here is one story that illustrates this case. A man climbs a berry tree to pluck some fruit, but realises the berries are at the end of a branch that is difficult to reach. Silently, he promises to God that if he does reach those berries, he would offer an hour’s wage as alms at the tem- ple. He then makes good progress towards the berries and, when he is quite close, gets second thoughts. Perhaps, he promised too much for just a bunch of berries that was not very far from his grasp. He then feels, “Why did I have to bring God in the matter at all? Perhaps a fraction of the amount promised as alms would do.” Just at that moment, distracted by his thought, he loses his grip and falls. Looking skyward, he says, “You can’t even take a joke.” The strokes in malafide lying are: Stroke A — Add doses of veri- fiable truth to your lies. Big lies, T o be persuasive, we must be believable. To be believable, we must be credible. To be credible, we must be truth- ful. The capacity to lie has also been claimed to be possessed by non-humans in language stud- ies with Great Apes. One famous case was that of Koko the gorilla; confronted by her handlers after a tantrum in which she had torn a steel sink out of its moorings, she signed in American Sign Language, “Cat did it,” pointing at her tiny kit- ten. Babies are also known to fake crying even when they are just six month old. Why do we lie? We all lie, but why do we lie? Sure, lying is both useful and some- times even fun, yet there are fun- damental reasons why we lie. The main reasons are: Fear of harm: The easiest reason to understand why we lie is for self-protection, to prevent harm to ourselves. This harm can be either physical or mental. Fear of conflict: To some degree, we all fear having an argument. Fear of punishment:Whengrow- ing up, how often did we lie about who started a fight? How often do we cover up our mistakes and transgressions? Fear of rejection: Sometimes, our insecurities are the foundation of why we lie to each other, because we want to remain popular in our relationships. Typi- cally, it is harmless boasting to make ourselves appear more admirable to other people. Fear of loss: This is usually the loss of personal objects, such as money or expensive valuables. Greed is the foundation for this reason and can be found in each Pavan Choudary explains the fundamental reasons of why we lie WhyLieatall? We all lie, but why do we lie? Sure, lying is both useful and sometimes even fun, yet there are fundamental reasons why we lie. The main reasons are: Fear of harm: The easiest reason to understand why we lie is for self-protection, to prevent harm to ourselves. of us. When our self-esteem starts to decline, we even lie to ourselves as means to prevent loss of morale. Altruistic reasons: We often lie to help our friends and loved ones. How often do we flatter someone just to make them feel better? This is a selfless reason why we lie. Which means all lies are not bad. It is the purpose of the lie which ascertains whether it is good or bad. Here is an example of a good lie. Types of lies Richard Gere plays a millionaire in the movie Pretty Woman. He falls in love with a prostitute (Julia Roberts). When accompanying her to a party, he is asked by a friend, “What does she do?” Gere replies, “Oh, she is in sales.” Through this lie
- 2. 40 CFOCONNECT November 2015 think tank with some ring of truth to them, are gulped down more easily. A subtle variation of this stroke is to tell a truth that can be verified and at- tach it to the lie. The listener checks the former, finds it to be true and assumes the rest is also likewise true. But Vile takes care that even though it is a big lie, it is still kept short. Short lies, he knows, have less chance of discovery. Stroke B — lying by majority. Vile’s confidantes utter the same lie. Endorsement by the majority makes the lie more believable. Stroke C — Alluding. Here, Vile just hints towards something obliquely that is not true, and since he has merely hinted, his risk is covered. He can always retrace his steps in the event of a scrutiny. He often uses allusions to seed ani- mosity among people around him. Sometimes allusions are also used to protect oneself. Stroke D — Lying by omission. The crucial data is omitted. Naive introduces Vile to one of his influ- ential friends and would like to be posted on the proceedings of their meetings. The first few times Vile meets this contact, he reports the details to Naive, but soon becomes evasive, ensuring that he omits the key points discussed. Social climbers often indulge in this type of lying. Stroke E — Emotional lies. Vile gets extra emotional about the topic of discussion. His sudden, strong, emotional outbursts are a camou- flage for his lie. A monk visiting a fellow monk’s house, while having lunch, finds a much-stained mat on the floor. He asks his host, “Do you sleep with any woman?” Enraged, the host bellows, “I am a celibate. How dare you ask me that question? I sleep on my bed and not on this mat. Finish your lunch and get out of my house.” Shouting thus and fum- ing, the host monk leaves the dining area and goes to the courtyard. The Pseudologia Fantastica is a term applied by psychiatrists to the behaviour of habitual or compulsive lying. Some others lie to themselves.
- 3. November 2015 CFOCONNECT 41 think tank We often lie to help our friends and loved ones. How often do we flatter someone just to make them feel better? This is a selfless reason why we lie. Which means all lies are not bad. Pavan Choudary is CEO and Managing Director, Vygon India Pvt. Ltd. He is a leadership coach and an author of several books. The article is an extract from his book; How a Good Person can Really Win. He can be reached at pchoudary@vygonindia.com guest monk too leaves for his home a few minutes later. Next morn- ing, the host monk discovers that one of his silver spoons is missing. Doubting the guest of the previous day, he sends him the following note, “I won’t call you a thief, but if you find my missing silver spoon, please return it to me.” He promptly receives a note In reply that says, “I won’t call you a liar, but you would have found the spoon on your bed last night if you had slept on it.” Stroke F — White lies. When confronted with a situation where it is his word against that of another, Vile out rightly denies having said or committed a thing. It is for this reason that sometimes it is wise to carry a trusted one with you while negotiating a deal with Vile. Though it is a good precaution, it may not be sufficient to nail him to the truth, because to deny something Vile can even make it appear as if he was misunderstood. Stroke G — Indirect lies. In this case Vile does not lie directly to the person whose interest is at stake or the one he wishes to influence. Instead, he lies to a third party who is close to the one he wishes to lie to. He states the lie as though entrust- ing this third party with a secret, and hopes his lie would be system- atically passed on to the person of interest. Stroke H — Lying out of jealou- sy. Here Vile lies to bring down the achievements of another, because he feels incapable of emulating him. For example, he may belittle the other guy’s material success by denouncing him as greedy and dishonest. Such a lie stokes Vile’s ego and waters down his rival’s achievement. Some general tips on catching lies: When trying to spot a liar watch and listen carefully. When someone is accused of something and he is innocent, usually he would resent the accusations and want to explore the topic further. The guilty would want the subject changed and relax when it changes. When the evidence is fragile, the words a liar uses often become bold and solid to compensate. Skilled interviewers and interrogators know the following rule concerning contradictions. When a suspect uses a contradiction “It wasn’t me” in- stead of “It was not me” statistically speaking, there is a sixty percent chance he or she’s being truthful. Sometimes the Guilty, in an attempt to sound emphatic, don’t want to use a contraction in their statement of innocence; they want to emphasise the “Not”. Look for Insincere Emotions. Example an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile. Watch for Micro- expressions.A micro-expression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second that is always a concealed emotion. When a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it. Nothing beats perception and careful nuanced observation. Too Much Detail. The liar often provides too much detail to over- compensate. Remember it is always important to look for trends not just specifics. Don’t become too judgmental with- out observing patterns. Advice for Naive • You cannot believe everything you hear, even if you hear it twice. Advice for Vile • A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. • Be sincere instead of trying to fake sincerity. It takes the same amount of effort! Advice for the Ruler • People Lie to save face (Sorry I am late, but there was a huge traffic jam on the way), shift blame (It is my boss’s decision not mine), avoid confrontation (Fine Mom I will reach the airport three hours before the flight), have their way (Sorry I won’t be coming to work today. I am down with flu) or just be nice (That dress looks fantastic on you) • Don’t see all that you see, and don’t hear all that you hear. • Lying can be done with words and also with silence. Credit poachers often lie through silence. • If you feel someone is lying to you, look as though you believe him. This might encourage him to go on and on and in the end be- tray himself. If a person conceals something, behave as if you do not believe him. This could lead him to tell the truth. n